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Original poster

Granddaughter or son - why should I choose?

72 replies

g6zarkea6m652 · 01/09/2020 08:09

My son does not want me to have a relationship with my granddaughter. He has split from her mother more than 8!yrs now. Every time I have my granddaughter it creates conflict. He feel that I am helping his ex by having his daughter. He does not see his daughter regularly (choice).

He tells me she is his family and that I do not have the right to see her without his approval.

They have both moved. His ex wants their daughter to have a relationship with her nan and the fraternal family. He does not.

Why should I have to choose?

OP posts:
Wheresthebiffer2 · 01/09/2020 12:12

This is very sad. It is right you support your grand-daughter. How awful to be so rejected by her own father.

Yearinyearout · 01/09/2020 12:17

Your son is a crap father. Don't be a crap grandmother, ignore him and enjoy your relationship with your granddaughter.

frankiefirstyear · 01/09/2020 12:19

Absolutely pathetic excuse for a father who would stop any positive relationship between his child and her relatives. This is what my ex is like with some of his children. Jealous, controlling, narcissistic, disrespectful. Don't let him bully you. If you want a relationship with your granddaughter then you do it, it's good of the mother to facilitate a relationship despite (I bet) getting grief from your son. Also, I wouldn't vent to her or the child (I'm sure you don't do that but it's not their problem). Good luck and sorry your son is such a failure as a father and a son! 😢

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Minimumstandard · 01/09/2020 12:28

He once told me I am “ busy being a grandmother and not a mum”. Emotional blackmail. He is 33., my granddaughter is 12yesrs old. She loves her dad so much that she is receiving counselling to cope with his rejection.

What an idiot! No parent of a 33 year old should be "busy being a mum"...They're meant to be past the stage of active parenting by that point and able to be independent Hmm.

OP, continue being "busy being a grandparent" if it brings you joy. Let your son know you're spending time with your DGD because you love her company, not to help his ex, and go low contact with him until he can accept your decision gracefully. Your poor DGD is already dealing with rejection from an (unreliable) parent, don't make her deal with rejection from a loving grandmother as well.

workhomesleeprepeat · 01/09/2020 12:45

Your son sounds vile. Sorry.

Keep seeing your grandchild, it would be so cruel to stop seeing her now, just because your asshole son said so.

Sorry OP, he sounds really nasty. Why is he like that? Choose your grandchild over him for sure.

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 01/09/2020 12:50

Enjoy your granddaughter.

He’s made his choices and they are his, no one else’s. Don’t let him make you feel bad for being a responsible grandmother.

kidsdrivingmemad · 01/09/2020 13:10

I'd be telling him to fuck off for good and even go as far as cutting him out of your will and give his share to his daughter!

RaspberryToupee · 01/09/2020 13:47

Please stick to your guns on this one.

My dad didn’t want a relationship with me, my mum forced him to take me on weekends. Although where my situation is different is that he dumped me at my grandparents (his parents). My dad slowly got more interested in spending time with me, I was younger than your granddaughter but the damage is still done. I’m included in activities on my paternal side but I’ve always felt a little like the odd one out with them. My dad doesn’t get what I do for a job, he still says I should get a ‘proper’ job. Our relationship has improved over the last few years but I partly think that’s because my dad really likes my husband and now has something to talk about with me. With my grandma, I’ve never felt like the odd one out with her (or my grandad). My grandma is still a much bigger part of my life than my dad, even though my relationship is as good as it’s ever been. Since my grandad has died, she’s my favourite person on my paternal side of the family and that includes my half-siblings.

If you listen to your son on this one, you’re going to damage your relationship with your granddaughter and at 12 y/o, I imagine she’s not that far from being done with your son (and by extension you if you do as your son wishes).

Fortheloveofbob · 01/09/2020 13:59

[quote TigerQuoll]I wonder if this is the same family...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4010836-Grandparent-advice-desperately-needed[/quote]
What on earth makes you think that?

Original poster
g6zarkea6m652 · 01/09/2020 14:37

Not the same family. I’ve joined less than a week.

I am mentally worn. I love the responses as I begin to healed

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 01/09/2020 15:19

I am actually so, so sad for your GD that her Dad is so openly rejecting her like this.

I am sure she and her mum really appreciate you. Stick with the people who appreciate you!

needsahouseboy · 01/09/2020 19:47

My ex has done this to his family. It was utterly heartbreaking for my son. Please don’t reject your granddaughter.
I’ve told my son if he ever behaved the way his dad has done or any of that family, I would not be condoning it.

I’m not even that maternal but I’d never reject a child on another adults say so!

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 01/09/2020 20:02

Your son is a twat and obviously a shit dad. I'm so sorry, OP.

You're doing the right thing. Pick your granddaughter and ex-dil who is trying to do right by her. (And frankly, you can leave money in trust for your granddaughter instead of your son if you have any doubts down the line of him doing the right thing by her.)

ButteryPuffin · 01/09/2020 20:08

Keep pushing it back to him that these are all choices HE is making, not you. He is an adult now and needs to take responsibility for his own life. As for the 'you have to ask permission' line, I would stand as tall as you can and say in response 'I think you've forgotten who you're talking to. I am YOUR parent so don't imagine you get to lay down the law to me'.

Vodkacranberryplease · 01/09/2020 20:14

Oh you definitely chose your GD! No contest! Poor wee thing having counselling because her father has rejected her just to spite his ex. And thank god the ex is a decent reasonable person who encourages this - many people want nothing to do with the parents of an abusive ex and keep their children well away. Because he is abusive.

But that does raise the question of why. If both your husband and you are lovely people is it possible you could have spoiled him? Is he an only child? I'm shocked by how many truly horrible men are out there and they often have very nice parents.

Who were maybe a little too nice. They covered up for them, never really made strict rules, or talked about how not to behave. Thinking their son would automatically know, but I can assure you they don't just know. They treat women appallingly because their parents never really made them accountable.

I went out with one such spoilt toerag (not for too long as I don't put up with stuff) He split from his wife bitterly and when he was in the UK stayed with his mum. She used to put a chocolate on his pillow. Could have been a sweetie but being spoilt made him so incredibly selfish. He was the youngest son.

Yours sounds like a nasty little dictator who thinks he can throw his weight around. So time for you and hubby to stick together and tell him what he's doing to his daughter is appalling and you will not be stopped from seeing your GC.

Let him sulk and strop. He needs a lesson in how to behave. It's never too late!

Pobblebonk · 02/09/2020 01:07

He may feel rejected because I refuse to stop seeing my granddaughter therefore he feels I have chosen her over him

I really cannot imagine being jealous of my own child. It's absolutely extraordinary.

Original poster
g6zarkea6m652 · 02/09/2020 09:59

You have all lifted my spirit. My granddaughter is here with me and we are going for brunch. She is so amazing. She worries about her Nanny especially when she does not see me weekly

OP posts:
Harrysmum2020 · 02/09/2020 10:03

Please please choose your granddaughter your son is an arsehole

cariadlet · 02/09/2020 10:30

Glad to hear you're feeling better tiday. Hope you have a lovely brunch with your granddaughter; you both deserve a nice time.

Vodkacranberryplease · 02/09/2020 14:51

I loved my granny. Would have been lost without her. You sound like you are so close, & thats an incredibly important relationship for her to have especially as you are on her fathers side of the family. Her father is useless, & in fact is seriously damaging her. I hope you make that clear to him.

Pagwatch · 02/09/2020 14:57

You are right to value your relationship with your granddaughter above the petulant nonsense of your son.

I'd carry on doing exactly as you wish and tell your son its none of his business what you do. if he then chooses not to see you that is entirely his choice. Dont let him frame it as a choice for you to make - its all down to him

Original poster
g6zarkea6m652 · 02/09/2020 15:54

Thank you guys for all your responses and support. They have helped immensely.

Absolutely his choice. I was never torn but I struggled to make sense of his behavior towards his own child.

Thank you all sooooooo much.

OP posts:
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