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Original poster

Granddaughter or son - why should I choose?

72 replies

g6zarkea6m652 · 01/09/2020 08:09

My son does not want me to have a relationship with my granddaughter. He has split from her mother more than 8!yrs now. Every time I have my granddaughter it creates conflict. He feel that I am helping his ex by having his daughter. He does not see his daughter regularly (choice).

He tells me she is his family and that I do not have the right to see her without his approval.

They have both moved. His ex wants their daughter to have a relationship with her nan and the fraternal family. He does not.

Why should I have to choose?

OP posts:
cariadlet · 01/09/2020 08:55

I'm glad that you can see his emotional blackmail for what it is. I'd wondered if your son was really young and immature but at 33 he doesn't even have that excuse. How sad that his behaviour is having such an adverse effect on his dd. She's lucky to have a mum and nan who love her and put her first.

I really feel for you, not only because it's such a tiring, unpleasant situation to be in but because it must be so upsetting to see your child (who was once your gorgeous baby and then your loving little boy) grow up and become this vindictive adult.

MsSquiz · 01/09/2020 09:00

You are busy being a grandma and not a mum because your granddaughter needs you in her life and chooses to spend time with you. I'd imagine if he wanted more, regular contact the child's DM would allow it?

When my parents divorced, I was 2 and I had no contact with anyone on my dad's side of the family at all and only saw him 3 times a year! (He lived 30 mins away and drove, so just his choice)
I would've loved to have had a relationship with my aunts, uncles or cousins, but there's never been any connection to that whole side of my family.
And as my DM died 3 years ago (and I am an only child) I very much feel "on my own"

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/09/2020 09:04

I would cut him off if I were you.

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DidoAtTheLido · 01/09/2020 09:04

Oh OP, so sorry. I see you wrote ‘why should I have to choose’ not ‘who should I choose’.

If course you should not have to choose.

Your Ds is being so hurtful to you, it must be incredibly painful. The problem is that he has set up a dynamic of rejection set against rejection. Put you in a position of rejecting your Gc and being told that is rejecting him, or else being rejected by him.

Can you turn towards him and tell him that everyone can be included? You love your Gc BECAUSE she is his child? That he is your son and your love as a mother is always there for him, you can love him AND see and love your Gc.

Refuse the narrative of tit for tat rejection.

Tell him it is nothing to do with a relationship with his ex: there will come a time, not too far off, where your Gc will be able to facilitate her own contact.

How does he know when you see your Gc?

Is there any clue as to why he refuses to see his child? Does / did he have a relationship with his own father?

LittleMissRedHat · 01/09/2020 09:06

So he can complain that YOU are not being a mum to him at 33 years old, but it's okay for HIM not to be a dad to his 12 year old child?! Sod that for a game of soldiers! I'd point the irony out to him and then carry on being a lovely nan. He's a selfish, childish, pathetic excuse for a man.

Original poster
g6zarkea6m652 · 01/09/2020 09:13

He may feel rejected because I refuse to stop seeing my granddaughter therefore he feels I have chosen her over him. This has been an ongoing battle for the last 8 years and I feel I am at breaking point. On the verge of a breakdown. I have not seen her since March due to lockdown. I had her this bank holiday weekend. His question, how long is this arrangement for? I won’t be coming by. She is my family so I will make arrangements for you to see her. I am interfering etc. I am tired of this back and forth. I am not going to hide to see her

OP posts:
EsmeeMerlin · 01/09/2020 09:14

My family is in a very similar situation. Myself, my sister and our mum have a relationship with my niece, and a good relationship with her mum.

My brother does not see his daughter very often, he had drug issues and threatened her mum, his ex so now can’t see his daughter unsupervised. He also doesn’t pay anything towards his daughter’s upbringing.

He kicks off when we see his ex and daughter but we tell him tough. She is a member of our family, we love her and want a relationship with her. Our relationship with her is separate from one with him. Always put the child first.

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2020 09:15

SHe already is having counselling for being rejected by her Dad please dont add to that - you are doing the right thing

DidoAtTheLido · 01/09/2020 09:18

He may feel rejected because I refuse to stop seeing my granddaughter therefore he feels I have chosen her over him

But he has set that dynamic up. Tell him everyone is included, no one is rejected. Love and family is about including, not ‘either / or’.

Tell him it is not a competition between him and his child, all grandparents continue to love their grown up children while extending love to the next generation.

Stay very calm.

It may be that your relationship with the child shows up his own neglect.

Original poster
g6zarkea6m652 · 01/09/2020 09:18

Yes he has a wonderful relationship with his dad.

I wish I had a reason for him rejecting his daughter. I love my granddaughter. He told me I am just using her for the daughter I never had. I don’t think he can get any lower being vile. She is my granddaughter and granddaughter only. Never viewed her as a daughter. Never will

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/09/2020 09:20

I can’t believe you even have to ask the question.

I’d be telling your son exactly what I thought of him, tell him that his daughter has more maturity than him

TigerQuoll · 01/09/2020 09:21

I wonder if this is the same family...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4010836-Grandparent-advice-desperately-needed

netflixismysidehustle · 01/09/2020 09:24

You are absolutely doing the right thing by this innocent little girl.
Your son is a nasty piece of work who should be ashamed. He has a great relationship with his Dad but won't recreate that for his daughter? Words fail me.
He is very selfish if you can't see that his daughter benefits from a relationship with you. Well done for maintaining a relationship with your son's ex and thinking about the child and the same goes to the ex. Thanks

HUCKMUCK · 01/09/2020 09:24

If he as 33 year old man is feeling rejected by his parent, ask him how he thinks a 12 year old feels being rejected by hers.

I'm sorry you're in this position - you sound like a wonderful grandparent - keep seeing her and enjoy every minute. Go low contact with your DS if it makes your life easier.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/09/2020 09:28

Tell him to grow up and get some support for your mental health. Your granddaughter needs you, she needs to have no more rejection in her young life.

Do you think his behaviour will improve if you stop seeing your granddaughter? I don't think so, his bullying and gloating will just get worse. He'll probably also tell you what a crap grandparent you are too.

Elieza · 01/09/2020 09:38

He’s lazy manipulative. Sorry OP.

It’s a shame for the child he is shirking his parental responsibilities and using her as a weapon against his ex.

Bet he doesn’t pay her maintenance properly either.

What a prize of a man. You must be disgusted with him.
As a pp said the irony for him saying you’re not mothering him enough is unbelievable.
See your gd. Help your ex daughter in law. Rise above his shit. Tough if he doesn’t like it. He’s just a jealous manchild.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 01/09/2020 09:52

Hes 33. He has made his choices.
Your granddaughter is innocent in this and tbh probably much nicer to spend time with then her manipulative man child of a father.
Id always put the child first and tell him he isnt welcome at yours until he grows up and stops trying to use his child as a stick to beat his ex and mother with.

corythatwas · 01/09/2020 11:46

If he as 33 year old man is feeling rejected by his parent, ask him how he thinks a 12 year old feels being rejected by hers.

This. He can't go on arguing that he is his daughter's family when he refuses to even see his daughter. Family is exactly what he is not.

SpaceOP · 01/09/2020 11:49

Ooh, poor ickle pickle little 33 year old man who isn't getting 100% of his mummy's attention.

Honestly OP, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. He's immature and cruel and it amazes me that he's jealous of the time you spend with his daughter. You'd think he'd be grateful.

strawberry2017 · 01/09/2020 11:51

Wow, no offence to you OP but your son is a total b**tard.
Pick your grandchild everytime.
You will regret it 100% if you don't. Your son will always play these games. Your grandchild is innocent.
She will bring you joy, he never will.

gubbbbbddaaaa · 01/09/2020 11:56

Why doesn't he want to see her ??

OhCaptain · 01/09/2020 11:59

Does he not see her at all?? Why not?

Either way he’s a bastard and you should absolutely NOT stop seeing your granddaughter.

itsgettingweird · 01/09/2020 12:02

The problem seems to be he doesn't connect his daughter as being part of him?

He sees you as seeing her and rejection of him.

Whereas she's an extension of him so you're accepting both.

Have you ever asked him why he thinks at 33 his needs trump that if a 12yo?

Has he always been like this or did his behaviour change at some point?

TooTrueToBeGood · 01/09/2020 12:06

Pound to a penny his relationship ended because he couldn't handle not being the focus of hist partner's attention when his daughter arrived. He's an adult now. If he insists on behaving like a child that is his choice but you do not need to pander to him. Put your granddaughter first - as a child, her needs trump his wants in every regard.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 01/09/2020 12:09

Poor little girl Sad please keep seeing her

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