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Original poster

Being made to feel bad

40 replies

MummaJ32 · 31/08/2020 13:35

Hi. I am a single mother to my three and a half year old son, his father is not involved. I work at a hospital 24 hours a week but two back to back long day 12 hour shifts Friday and Saturday. I rely heavily on my sister for childcare and she has said she will be bringing him back to me Saturday night soon as I’ve finished work he’ll be there asleep.

I give him to my sister Thursday night, I go to bed. I wake up at 4.30am on Friday to get to work for 7am to finish at 8.15pm.
I get home, and do the same again for Saturday.

I then have my son until Thursday again. This is not up for negotiations with her, as she says she has him two days and is knackered and needs a break.
Where is my break? 😥

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Crylittlesister · 31/08/2020 13:39

I say this kindly - you are being unreasonable. Your sister is providing a lot of child care. I appreciate you work long shifts, but many working parents work 5 days a week, so at least you get a break from work.
Presumably, he will start school next year, so not much longer to go and then you will get a break while he is in school.
I get it, I'm a single parent and have no help or respite at all, so I do understand, but your sister is really going the extra mile already.

negomi90 · 31/08/2020 13:42

I'm sorry you're overwhelmed but it's not your sister's responsibility to provide childcare. If she's tired/overwhelmed/ just doesn't want to do it then you need to find an alternative arrangements.

Ignomen · 31/08/2020 13:45

Of course you're being unreasonable. Your sister doesn't owe you a break. Your sister is providing you with a lot of childcare, including overnights, as it is, regardless of whether or not you pay her -- are you seriously suggesting that after having your baby from Thursday night till Saturday night, she should also have him at some other point?

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Ihaveoflate · 31/08/2020 13:46

I understand how tired you must be feeling but your sister is doing a huge amount for you, and on weekend as well.

Surely your child is old enough for the free nursery hours. Could you not put him in a nursery for a couple of days during the week to give yourself a break?

LightDrizzle · 31/08/2020 13:48

Sorry, I agree with the previous posters.
Have you tried requesting a change in shift pattern?
Many single parents have to manage without any break, this is your child, not your sister’s. It is great that she is helping out to the extent that she is. In your shoes, I’d be very mindful of not taking her for granted and pissing her off.
I do sympathise with how tired you are and how relentless it feels, but it isn’t your sister’s responsibility.

Purplequalitystreet · 31/08/2020 13:49

Unfortunatley, I don't think you can ask you sister to do any more than what she's doing.

As he's 3, could you use the free nursery hours so you can get a break during the week?

Ignomen · 31/08/2020 13:50

Absolutely, as a pp said, I'd be very mindful of not taking for granted or pissing off someone who looked after my baby overnight to allow me to work shifts!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/08/2020 13:51

Yabu to question her need for a break. He isn't her child. He is your child. This is no longer working for her. You need to find a solution.

SummerHouse · 31/08/2020 13:56

It's not clear what you want. Do you want your sister to have him more? To be honest she sounds amazing for what she is already doing.

QueenofmyPrinces · 31/08/2020 16:26

Hi OP,

I’m a nurse working 25 hours a week and I do my 12.5 hour shifts back to back too. It’s really tired, you have my genuine sympathy.

I have two children who are 3 and 6 and I find working long shifts and looking after children draining and I have a partner and school/childminder days for respite.

You must feel like every day is Groundhog Day.

I really do feel for you but as everyone else has said, your sister already does so much for you - she goes above and beyond what many other people would.

What is her situation? Does she work? Have children of her own?

I get that you want/need a break but it’s not your sister’s job to give you that on top of what she already does for you.

As other posters have said, what about his free childcare hours? Why are you not utilising those?

And maybe you do need to think about swapping your shifts? I get that it’s nice to do your shifts back to back because it helps with childcare and it’s nice to get them out of the way in one chunk, but if you are struggling with the physical demands of it then maybe two separate days may be better.

Brieminewine · 31/08/2020 16:42

Sorry OP but you are being massively unreasonable. He’s your son, your responsibility. I can’t actually believe you think your sister should have him longer than she already does!

OddBoots · 31/08/2020 16:48

Does he wake a lot in the night? I am trying to work out why you want her to have him longer then she does.

YouNeedASpaDay · 31/08/2020 16:55

OP, you are massively taking the piss out of your sister! You need to buy her a bottle of wine and apologise before you lose your (free?!) childcare!

cptartapp · 31/08/2020 17:16

It's the father of your child you should be angry with. Your sister has been massively accommodating and YABU.

Yellowcar2 · 31/08/2020 18:49

Wow!

Soubriquet · 31/08/2020 18:59

He isn’t your sisters child.

I’m sorry you don’t get a break but unfortunately it isn’t her job to give you a break.

You are lucky enough that she has your child for 2 days as it is

bg21 · 31/08/2020 19:01

I'm sorry , what ????

Ylvamoon · 31/08/2020 19:04

Welcome to parenthood!
It's a massive struggle but it will get better in time, I promise you. Flowers

OverTheRainbow88 · 31/08/2020 19:08

Soon he’ll be at school, you just need to get there. Does he get free hours? Can’t you use those for 2 days you are off work and get a break then?

Fatted · 31/08/2020 19:14

If you paid for child care provision at a nursery or CM, they would probably not have your child overnight. Or on a Saturday for that matter.

You're getting over 24 hours free childcare from your sister every week. A lot of people don't get this from family and have to pay for the privilege.

ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 19:14

It sounds tough, I feel for you. But two full days with another person's child including overnight every week so they can hold a job down is a massive massive commitment and she is being a total superstar giving you that as it is a hugely significant amount of support.
That said I'm sure she loves you and her nephew and knowing you don't have the father's support she must not want to see you fall too far. Maybe you've even given her huge support in the past also, I don't know about that of course but I would certainly appreciate what she does and not imply there should be more.
Solo parenting is such hard work, it will get easier as DC gets older. Hang on in there and love your sister to bits she's a rare one.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 31/08/2020 19:15

Get a grip. Your son, your responsibility. Be grateful for the childcare you have and thank your sister.

Laaalaaaa · 31/08/2020 19:34

Your child is not your sisters responsibility - sorry but that’s the hard truth.

BendingSpoons · 31/08/2020 19:37

She has your son fir 48hr, presumably unpaid. YABU to expect her to do more, although I do get it's tough. Surely you can make use of 30 hour funding and that would get you a break, and possibly reduce the hours your sister has him too.

ScarMatty · 31/08/2020 19:40

Really?

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