Should I be enjoying being a mum?

[BoomyBooms]

Just that really. I am a first time mum. I love my little girl, she's great. I want her to have everything she needs and I do my best to give her that. She is six months old and although not a great sleeper she is healthy, happy and very sociable. I'm confident we have a good bond. Sometimes we have fun, or she does something that makes me happy. But most of the time I find parenting her to be drudgery, stressful and generally not a nice time.

My husband thinks she's the best thing in the world ever, but I can't summon up that strength of feeling for her. My life is undoubtedly worse now compared to before having a child.

Before having a child I definitely counted on a strong maternal love appearing that would see me through the boring days and the difficult nights, but I don't feel that so strongly.

I did have a bit of PND after she was born but I while I feel a lot better now, I basically feel like I'm grinning and bearing about 99% of my day right now and it's just not what I expected from being a mum. I thought I'd enjoy all this time with my child. Was I overly optimistic? Is this normal?

I would say it’s normal. Small children are tedious and not v interesting. Playing with them is often quite boring. They bring with them a ton of housework which is also boring. Having to spend all day with a non verbal person is also not always intellectually stimulating. I found everything after 15-18 months much better- they could communicate, I could teach them things. And toddlers say hilarious things. I was willing to put up with toddler tantrums because it was so much better than the dull baby stage.
I did however go back to work and that saved my sanity.

I totally feel this. DD is 2. I went from an independent globe trotting professional life and breadwinner to staying at home with a gorgeous blob. I find 99% of the tune soul destroying. I can see it improving as she grows and becomes more of a little person though and am clinging to that! But I am not having another and am not the type of mother who misses the totally dependent baby years.

I think this is really normal and not talked about enough. I found the first 6 months soul destroying and only really started enjoying her at around 9 months. I remember saying to my husband 'I actually love her now' at around that time.

Balance is best for me: we both work p/t and she goes to nursery 2 days a week so we get enough time for ourselves as well. I could not look after her full time - it would just be so relentless.

Completely normal. I am the mother of 2 adult sons who I love beyond words and my life revolved around (quite rightly).
To be very blunt, as babies they were really just boring parasites. Life wreckers. I wondered what the hell id done tbh. (I'm being very honest, please don't judge me).
After they were one it all changed and they became little people who I adored and willingly gave 20 years to, completely and utterly.

I can kind of relate. I love being a mum (DD is 13 months) and I do for the most part enjoy it. But when I was on maternity leave I missed my job so much and felt like there must be something wrong with me for not being 100% fulfilled by motherhood. Back now and wfh so kind of have the best of both worlds for now (although it has its own challenges of course!)

100% normal. No one ever talks about how shit babies are as I guess otherwise no one else would be daft enough to have them 😂. You’re really in the doldrums right now; IMO 6-12 months is FAR more laborious than the newborn stage, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! 1 and 2 is brilliant, 3 a bit trickier but still far less work than the baby stage! It gets better!

My son is a couple of months older and I'm just starting to enjoy it on a daily basis now. The first three months I could barely formulate a thought or emotion I was so tired. Three to six months, I felt pretty bored most days as he just whined about not being able to move. Now, he smiles and laughs and demands food and crawls about wildly and bashes his crib to wake us up in the morning while grinning wildly, and it is much easier. I mean it's just a bit more entertaining although it's still hard.

I really didnt enjoy the newborn days. I scraped through the 2m-6m, but I really started enjoying my daughter at around 9m+ (she is 1+1 now).

They suddenly get a lot more interesting, start crawling/toddling, start learning words, and playing games which is lovely; you get to know their little personality better, and once they can sit properly and reach for toys they can entertain themselves a bit better.

It sounds like you're doing great, so hang in there.

Thanks so much for replying and for being so honest, I feel reassured. No judgement here, I too have spent time wondering whether I had made a monumentally awful decision by having children.

It's good to hear that most people enjoy it more as they get older. I have already noticed that actually, as my baby is doing more interesting (interesting being relative, of course) things and interacting more I am finding it better. I have in my head that 12 months seems to be quite a turning point so hopefully by the end of my maternity leave I'll be feeling differently. I plan to go back to work doing 4 days over 3 so hope that will help me. I finally understand all my colleagues who are mother's who say they come to work for the rest!!

No, you shouldn't.

You may, some people do, but it's not a must. A lot of parenting is basically being a skivvy. But the love for our child(ren) gets us through that to the good parts.

However, if there's a partner/co-parent involved who isn't pulling their weight, then it becomes a lot harder to enjoy. Both parents should be sharing the drudgery.

I enjoyed it around about 6 months BUT the major thing I was enjoying was the social aspect - getting out to baby&toddler groups and meeting other mums and chatting to them while we played with our babies. Seeing my child alongside others was far more interesting, and also reassuring - you can see that they all develop skills are different times and rates, which helped me stop googling milestones!

Pregnant again now, and if the children centres etc are still closed and the baby groups that are running are maintaining distances and minimising social opportunities, I know I won’t enjoy it like I did last time. Being a mum stuck in the house all day with a baby is very confining until they are old enough to really interact with you.

I think it’s relatively normal; I enjoyed parenting a lot more as my DD got older and formed more of a personality. I’m on maternity leave with my second baby now and enjoying it a lot more as my 3 year old DD is a lot of fun (while also being hard work and frustrating) and is also company compared to spending the day with a baby.
It’s perhaps not popular to say but I was quite happy to go back to work, have a day off with my DD and weekends with us as a family.

@BoomyBooms One of the reasons I (mostly!) enjoyed my DD's baby days (she's now 2) was all the mum and baby groups I did. I met some lovely mums and babies, and am friends
with lots of them now. I would have really really struggled with a young baby during lockdown. I'm due DC 2 in January, and am already worrying about nothing running. Zoom just doesn't do it for me!

Very normal, and definitely intensified by being in lockdown for the earliest weeks. My DS is 7 months and I am fascinated by his development, skills etc, but keeping a small baby entertained, with far fewer friends & family around and no groups, swimming or anything like that, has been very tedious.

I chose to return to work after six months and I have found that quite good for the soul - I appreciate DS much more now I’m not with him for hours every day, for sure, and look forward to ‘our time’ going for a walk at lunch, or cuddles just before bed.

I adore DS now he is 3 but still sometimes have time where I'd rather just, for a day or two, not have the responsibility and mental load.
He's at nursery 2 days per week and this is a great help for balance for me being actually ME

And yes I did have PND and didn't adjust to my change of identity very well

Thank you. I do think having some groups to go to would have been lovely. I'm on the waiting list for one starting in September so I hope that comes off.

What doesn't help is that she's a terrible napper so I have to be home for all of her naps. So while I get out at least once a day it's not for as long as I would like. When she drops her afternoon nap I'll have a lot more freedom and will be able to relax and enjoy my coffee meet ups!

Yes my partner does 50% when he's not at work. I do think it's the fact he's at work that helps him enjoy her more. I'm sure I could go back, I guess I'm not ready to completely give up on my maternity leave yet.

Haha if she turns into a stroppy teenager after I've worked this hard on her then I will not be impressed!!

I totally sympathise @BoomyBooms! I found the first 12 months totally grim and felt very like you do - although what I would say is that my PND went deeper than I realised and when I started anti-depressants when my son was 11 months old it was game-changing. I was only on them for 7 months but they made all the difference. And as others have said, the toddler stage is WAY better - my son is 2 now and my sun rises and sets with him. He’s funny and entertaining and so much better company than he was at 6 months!

The other thing I’d say is that sleep deprivation is a killer for making you depressed. If you’ve got the cash, would it be worth getting a sleep trainer to sort your LO’s naps / night sleep? We did at 10 months and it revolutionalised our lives. No cry it out (each to their own but that wasn’t my thing) and he LOVES his cot now - goes down happily and plays with his animals for an hour before falling asleep. Good sleep also made a huge difference to our lives.

Good luck - and hang in there - it does get better!

xxx

I would consult your GP because you do sound like you may have some lingering PND symptoms. However, babies are dull and hard work. My 9 and 6 year old are amazing, funny interesting and hard work.

My baby had terrible naps til 7 months. It is so much easier once that is sorted

Welcome to parenting! It's pretty crappy isn't it??!! 🤣🤣

Totally normal! It gets so much better.

I think it is a really tricky time to have a baby, especially a first one with so much shut. I used to really enjoy getting out the house to groups, farms, parks, Swimming, National trust places etc for a change of scene. I’ve always found it hard to sit at home all day and having a baby amplified that for me so I found it much easier to keep busy.

I can relate to this! My son is now 12 months, I am working 3 days a week from home - and it's much better. Still a bit dull, but it's like each week gets better and better. Agree with a pp, around 7 months naps got better (and the last one was dropped) so i became a lot more flexible! Hang in there it does get better!

"I think it is a really tricky time to have a baby, especially a first one with so much shut."

It is hard. I had plans to do one thing each day eg meet a friend, go to a class, have my PILs over, just for an hour or so each day. As it is, we go out maybe once a week, none of my friends with babies or young children want to meet at all, even at home.

The worst part is the uncertainty. I can't tell how reasonable I'm being staying in. Some people are shocked that I go out to a cafe with my baby. Others are shocked when I don't. If it was just me, I wouldn't mind much but it does make you question your parenting.

And it's hard not having other mums to compare with. Not milestones or anything but things like is it normal that he cries like a maniac whenever I leave the room or is it ok that he fell over? You can read online all day about these things, but seeing it in person is totally different.