reported to social services- feeling devastated

[Thurinius]

I am absolutely devastated. I had a phone call from social services yesterday saying someone had phoned them with concerns I was neglecting my boys.
Apparently they are worried I'm not feeding them and they don't have appropriate clothing for the weather.
I have two boys, the eldest is 9 and autistic and the youngest is 7.
I'm assuming this is all about the younger one, since my autistic son isn't one for leaving the house much.

We live in a quiet cul de sac so now my youngest is 7 I thought I'd give him a bit more freedom to explore and play outside without me supervising him. He's had a terrific summer running round in his shorts exploring the bushes and trees and having adventures on his own or with some of the kids down the road.
He's enjoyed the terrific rain storms we've had, he calls it his expeditions and plays in the water, splashing and enjoying the deluge.
I grew up in the countryside and it's the sort of childhood I had, just playing outside all day.
I thought I was doing the right thing, encouraging a bit more independence (he does not leave the street and I check where he is at regular intervals) and letting him explore nature. Apparently not.

Despite being a massively picky eater he gets plenty of food. In fact i've had to ration crisps and other junk food because on lock down he was eating far too many and has put on quite a bit of weight.
We make pancakes most days together and we bake cakes and biscuits and stuff like that. The other day I drove 4 miles to a petrol station Subway as a treat so he could get a sandwich he tried on holiday and liked.

I can't believe that anyone would think I wasn't feeding my children. That I would neglect them in any way. I am just absolutely devastated by this and I can't stop crying.

I think you don't have to worry. Kids will often look skinny when they're actually a healthy weight. People just have a wrong idea of what a healthy child looks like because so many of them are overweight.

If social services come out, they will see he's a healthy weight.

I was brought up in the countryside too and would wander out in the fields, all over the place.

People often don't let their kids go anywhere much on their own now, but there aren't any more paedoes now than they were then. Plus most paedoism is from relatives/someone the child knows, not strangers.

I think going up and down the cul de sac wouldn't be counted as wrong by the social, even by today's bizarre standards.

So, try not to panic. xxx

Does anyone seem to have it in for you, that they might for some reason report you?

Not going to weigh in on the issue of whether or not he should be out alone.
Just wanted to say I've had some experience of being maliciously reported to SS (by my ex husband with untrue and highly damaging allegations about my boyfriend). It was extremely worrying and upsetting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but SS clearly identified early on that it was malicious.
I'm sure they get a lot of malicious or inappropriate complaints and probably are quite good at sorting the wheat from the chaff. If you are open with them and work with them you shouldn't have anything to fear.

Just tell social services what you told us op. It will be fine. The only bit I would be concerned about is that he is talking to the neighbours (unless you know them well) and accepting food from them. I would instruct him not to do that again and to tell you if they approach him.

Doesn't sound like a malicious report. Sounds like a concerned neighbour if they're handing your son sandwiches and worried they're not eating and are out all hours in all weathers.

So you make it all sound very charming etc (and I'm sure it is!) but we all have a duty to report things regarding children that concern us. Clearly SS will chat with you and it'll be cleared up so I wouldn't worry too much but it's definitely time to think about how things may look to other people. I'd be concerned to see a young child out all day in all weathers, inappropriately dressed and taking food from me and yes, I'd have reported you too. Not maliciously but out of concern

I'm slightly confused by the playing out all day exploring nature and it all being on this cul-de-sac. Where exactly is he roaming, OP? As with others, I wouldn't let a 7yo play out unsupervised and only now let my 9yo play out with his 12yo brother, and I still worry about him crossing even quiet roads without me there. This is very different to when I was a kid and played out with my friends in local fields and parks from around age 8, but as has been noted, the caution today is a response to the lessons learnt back then, and every kid I knew back then had some unsavoury incident with a flasher or scary older kids or an accident. So it's not outrageous for someone today to show concern for a little boy out all day unsupervised (they may not have spotted you checking up occasionally). Plus the fact that it got as far as him getting a sandwich off a neighbour should have rung warning bells that people felt the need to step up. Didn't you chat with the neighbour after that to thank them, and suss what exactly happened? Because if your DS wasn't on a play date there, it's a bit weird and I'd want to reassure them he'd been fed.

I mean, can you really, in all truthfulness, not see how a 7 year old dressed just in shorts in the pouring rain might look to someone else? He's young, unsupervised and is often seen outside in the street all day?

I think your main issue will be your 7 year old roaming by himself he's still young and should be supervised really.

If I saw my neighbours littles ones out unsupervised I would call ss

I can't imagine letting my kids out alone at that age but only you know how safe your cul-de-sac is and what your child is like. We have always lived in through roads so there is pretty much no way they could have played out in that way due to traffic. I only let my kids walk alone to school in Year 6 so maybe I am not a good person to ask!!!

I remember kids calling for me when I was about 7 or 8 to play outside and I hated it. I used to try to get my parents to answer the door to say I couldn't go. This was because there were horrible older kids around who would taunt us or try and get us to do naughty things like ring on doorbells and run away or spray paint on walls (I was a goody two shoes and this would mortify me)!! I never told my parents this though and often went as my parents tried to get me to play out all the time!

That does sound like a lot of freedom for a 7 year old and it would be an unusual sight in my neighbourhood.

It is lovely that someone felt willing to step in and check that a neighbour's child is ok. Most neighbours are really reluctant to say anything until far too late.

They were wrong in their ideas about what is going on in your son's life because they have limited information but if they had been right, he would have been saved from a horrible life and perhaps a distressed mother might have been given support too.

You have nothing to worry about - your child is being loved and looked after. The outdoor childhood is a wonderful thing! Social-services will be able to see that straight away.

Yes. Which is why I was saying it wouldn't necessarily have been alright in the 80s, which some MNs seem to think was a bucolic safe space filled with benign and avuncular strangers.

Yes. Which is why I was saying it wouldn't necessarily have been alright in the 80s, which some MNs seem to think was a bucolic safe space filled with benign and avuncular strangers

@FOKKYFC None of us are saying that. We're saying there's no more 'stranger danger' than there was then, and it's actually quite rare.

I will stick up for OP a bit here - she said “a bit more freedom” not “I let him out at breakfast and he came back at 6”. He has also been playing with other children. I’m in a cul de sac too and the children have been playing out this summer, I then here grown ups (I can match some of the families up) calling out to them and checking their ok - the pavement has been covered in chalk drawings. It’s been nice to see. As a nice neighbour I have also kept watch out my window and haven’t really thought twice about the odd boy with no shirt when the temperature was 30 plus. I’ve also heard a couple call out “car” at full volume and seen them running between houses.

Was the neighbour with the sandwich another parent OP? It could have been a parent giving their own child lunch and offering some to her son. I would have taken an extra as a child.

7 is young but each situation has to be judged accordingly - where you live, how well you know the neighbours, traffic, child’s ability to be sensible, green space.

Don’t be devastated OP, and don’t worry. I’m sure it was well meaning rather than malicious. Some people insist on a full rain suit for a water play tray so a child jumping in the rain will cause alarm - I would also likely check a child was ok if I saw them out in the rain without a coat! People have judged on a snap shot, plenty of things happen that make parents look terrible when it’s really not the case. If SS do a home visit, carry on as normal. They’ll see there’s nothing to worry about.

Sounds like someone who is quite anxious with their children projecting what they would feel comfortable on to you. I very much doubt that SS will do any more than ask you what's been happening. If you tell them he plays with others in a quiet area and you regularly check on him. He is well fed and indeed you are mindful of ensuring healthy eating along with some treats like home made pancakes and cakes....I doubt any more will come of it.

Some comments are harsh I think. The OP has stated they live on a quiet cul-de-sac; if it's anything like mine it's small and we all know each other pretty well. My son is 8 (so only a little older) and he'll happily play outside on the grass and speak with our neighbours. I keep the door open, check him often, can hear him outside playing etc. Sometimes our lovely neighbours will offer him a drink or a treat as they are being lovely and neighbourly and we have a sense of community; granted we are extremely lucky. It's important to encourage early exploration, independence and a sense of freedom. My son also loves to whip his top off and will often go outside without his shoes on (despite me telling him otherwise!). He's a child...this is what children should be allowed to do in a safe and appropriate environment and it sounds like these boxes have been ticked.

@SoulofanAggron

For some reason the quote didn't appear in my post but I was responding to a poster (@StarUtopia I think) who specifically said "Would have been alright in the 80s I agree".

I dont think 'paedoism' is a word, btw.

What time does he go out? What time does he come back in?
All day in a small cup de sac doesn’t sound much fun and does sound like he’s just out fo your hair for the day.

I wouldn’t do it, I would report it.

OP this happens a lot. Happened to us years ago. Also have an asd child. Just cooperate.

When they turned up here out of the blue they had some fantastic allegations.

It's funny when we look back but obviously at the time it made us ill.

They checked we had food in and looked in children's rooms.

Don't sit worrying please. I ended up in hospital because of it all.

Once they realise it's malicious they will soon leave you in peace.

It's easy to say, but try not to worry about it. Social services get lots of bullshit reports. I got reported by my mother for feeding my DS a diet of junk food and refusing to take her advice Junk food to my mum is anything she won't eat, so pasta, rice, pulses, weird veg such as broccoli, fish (unless it's from a chip shop), any cheese other than cheddar, milk, any herb or spice etc. The advice I refused was that it's perfectly normal to let a 6 week old baby have chocolate buttons. That's why they're shaped like they are, so they're easy for babies to suck.

My DS also likes to dance around in the rain with no wellies or coat ( he has a shower afterwards)!

I think everything will be fine, OP, but it’s a reminder that times have changed and what was viewed as perfectly fine during our childhoods isn’t anymore. I also grew up in a village and used to roam all over the place during the holidays. My friend and I would cycle to other villages and play in trees/streams for hours ( think we were 9/10 then). As long as we were home by 6, no one was concerned! But it’s not like that now.

My money's on ham sandwich and that it's kindly meant.

To them he may look both under-nourished and unsupervised.

A neighbour reported us during sleep training, concerned about all the crying they could hear.

And honestly. I'd always rather^ people did^ report their concerns about children.

Where there is nothing to worry about, it is cleared up quickly with minimal fuss and bother.

Where there is a concern it's best that SS are made aware of it.

Sorry OP but look at it from the outside. The younger of your 2 children is allowed to play outside all day with very little supervision, including in the rain in shorts and a t shirt whilst the other child they don’t really see. A neighbour has given your younger child a sandwich which it sounds as if they ate and enjoyed - which might have been due to the quality of the meat/spread/butter in it but the neighbour doesn’t know that. I can understand why concerns have been raised.

I do think 7 is young to be out alone to play. I was allowed out with an older sibling at that age but not alone and I can see why someone who doesn’t know about your older child’s diagnosis would question why one is allowed out but not the other.

I was reported maliciously years ago by the nursery manager where my son went (after we had a disagreement she made up a false allegation)
Social services took it seriously but did a good job and no concerns were found it was very upsetting but I found them to be very fair and it was cleared up quickly although no action was taken as they told me they can’t be seen to come down harshly on these type of referrals as it could put someone off making a genuine one and a child could be then left in a dangerous situation

Your child is 7 years old. They shouldn't be unsupervised to such an extent that a neighbour is making them a ham sandwich. I would probably report you too.

Just want add a caveat to my pp. I didn't allow mine out alone. We have a back garden and they were taken to the park nearby.

However, when ss rocked up here they argued I was being too over protective.

Yeah, with a five year old with ADHD and a 9 year old with autism. Plus a ten year old and thirteen year old who did go out to the park with friends.

Bonkers