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Parenting

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Original poster

reported to social services- feeling devastated

76 replies

Thurinius · 27/08/2020 09:13

I am absolutely devastated. I had a phone call from social services yesterday saying someone had phoned them with concerns I was neglecting my boys.
Apparently they are worried I'm not feeding them and they don't have appropriate clothing for the weather.
I have two boys, the eldest is 9 and autistic and the youngest is 7.
I'm assuming this is all about the younger one, since my autistic son isn't one for leaving the house much.

We live in a quiet cul de sac so now my youngest is 7 I thought I'd give him a bit more freedom to explore and play outside without me supervising him. He's had a terrific summer running round in his shorts exploring the bushes and trees and having adventures on his own or with some of the kids down the road.
He's enjoyed the terrific rain storms we've had, he calls it his expeditions and plays in the water, splashing and enjoying the deluge.
I grew up in the countryside and it's the sort of childhood I had, just playing outside all day.
I thought I was doing the right thing, encouraging a bit more independence (he does not leave the street and I check where he is at regular intervals) and letting him explore nature. Apparently not.

Despite being a massively picky eater he gets plenty of food. In fact i've had to ration crisps and other junk food because on lock down he was eating far too many and has put on quite a bit of weight.
We make pancakes most days together and we bake cakes and biscuits and stuff like that. The other day I drove 4 miles to a petrol station Subway as a treat so he could get a sandwich he tried on holiday and liked.

I can't believe that anyone would think I wasn't feeding my children. That I would neglect them in any way. I am just absolutely devastated by this and I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 27/08/2020 12:21

I wouldn’t let a 7 year old out alone either. Someone has obviously reported concerns.
I’m not sure what you are devastated about.
Has be been visiting neighbours or friends houses and having lunch there? If he’s out pretty much all day people may worry he’s missing lunch??

Choppedupapple · 27/08/2020 12:22

How did your son come to be interacting with your neighbours? Playing with their kids or something else? Do you know your neighbours in the culdesac?

My DD is 7, I don’t let her wander around unsupervised, we have had a great summer, investigating local woods, walks by the river, around a lake etc. I also live in a quiet culdesac, about 20 houses, I only know a few neighbours, I also know that in a house in the culdesac is a convicted sexual offender, in and out of prison.

formerbabe · 27/08/2020 12:25

I think people only see a snapshot of someone's life in situations like this.

A seven year old child out and about on his own, not fully dressed, out in all weather including heavy rain and taking food from his neighbours. Quite honestly if someone posted their concerns on here about a child in that situation, lots of people would be telling them to report it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds 9 year olds Families General parenting

ekidmxcl · 27/08/2020 12:31

I am sure that SS will find that you aren't neglecting them OP. You can explain how you check on him and were trying to give him some safe independence.

But take the stuff on MN with a pinch of salt. MN usually advocates letting children 'play out'. In reality, letting a 7yo out unsupervised for hours is not something that anyone I have even met would allow, even if they had checked on the whereabouts of the child.

blackcat86 · 27/08/2020 12:36

It's never nice to have the finger pointed but 7 is very young to be playing out for extended periods, even with intermittent checks. I am hoping he had appropriate clothing for the heavy rain and wasn't just out in his shorts and t shirt or wherever? Its unusual to be out in the rain like that i should think but if he has wellies and a jacket then there is no harm if he can come in when he wants. The reality is that SS allow a lot of really shitty parenting to go unchallenged so I doubt they'll be too worried but that one report.

Brieminewine · 27/08/2020 12:36

To be fair OP, I think it’s good someone has reported this. In your case the child is well cared for and the case should be closed but a 7 year old out alone all day every day is worthy of a report to social services.

MitziK · 27/08/2020 12:39

@Thurinius

A neighbour. Either one of two he's been happily chatting to. One gave him a ham sandwich once which he told me was far superior to the ham sandwich I had given him an hour earlier

Yeah, he probably told her that he was starving/you didn't feed him and they thought they were doing the right thing (which, technically they are, as it would be worse if they ignored it and he had been telling the truth).

Kids do that. One of mine told her teacher that she hadn't had any breakfast at all (and got given a KitKat for her trouble). She'd left her toast, she'd created over my putting some milk on the Cookie Crisps and then fannied around for twenty minutes when she should have been getting her shoes on. The other one refused to eat at home in the mornings from age 11 onwards, so I gave her money to get a bacon roll every day. Still told people she wasn't given breakfast and that she had to feed herself after school. Because she used the money I gave her to buy chips and sweets on the way home and wasn't hungry for dinner.

Don't be upset. Somebody cared enough about your lad to risk the consequences of you realising they'd made a report.

PatriciaHolm · 27/08/2020 12:43

@formerbabe

I think people only see a snapshot of someone's life in situations like this.

This. One of your neighbours has, I would imagine, caught sight of your son soaking wet and muddy, and then seen him a few more times over a few days, over meal times, and no sign of you. They perhaps know your eldest doesn't go out, and are assuming you are in with them, leaving the other to his own devices.

What you are saying could easily be spun another way - your son is out in all weathers, perhaps not in appropriate clothing all the time, over meal times and for hours either side, and cadging food from neighbours. I can see why someone might want a third pair of eyes on him, can't you?

InsaneInTheViralMembrane · 27/08/2020 12:45

I guess it depends where you live. OP the children in my village live like that - and where I used to live, the kids were out from 4. “It takes a whole village to raise a child” and all that.

I know it’s harder said than done, but try not to worry - If SS were to remove the children of every woman who’d ever taken anti-depressants, or the kid is in odd socks or CLAIMS to be starving, there’d be none left.

I had the police with SS come charging through the door one night after someone put in a report. After about 5 seconds they said “no problem “. Seems battered, scared and neglected kids aren’t leaping off the backs of the sofas and offering the police the well-fingered muffins they made earlier.

I do know who reported me and it was a kick in the guts because I thought we were friends and we’d had a chat and a joke earlier that day. 😔

lumberingaroundthehouse · 27/08/2020 12:48

It might depend where you live, it doesn’t mean it’s particularly brilliant parenting, though. Just as it was normal at one time.

JER27 · 27/08/2020 13:02

you are entitled to get copies of all official documentation. This will not include the name of the person who made the report. I suggest after the Social Worker has been, you apply for a copy of all the records, and anyone involved with social services should do the same; you can than challenge any inaccuracies. Also I suggest recording the SW'[s visit.

JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss · 27/08/2020 13:03

@QualityFeet

Whilst a shock, it literally makes no difference. Someone you don’t know who might make malicious reports all the time, who might be the kind of person irritated by kids phasing who wants them kept inside, who might not like to see a child messy and wet reported you. It could be Someone who doesn’t like where you park or done I’ve with a misplaced but genuine concern - raise your kids how you think best. It literally makes no difference to you if Someone else doesn’t agree. Go easy on yourself and don’t let it worry you and SS if yiu and SS are happy with your choices that’s all that matters

This is so true. Could easily be malicious or exaggerated by a person that gets irritated rather than genuine concern. It must be hard for you, OP.

getsomehelp · 27/08/2020 13:04

There was a thread on here yesterday about neighbouring boys running riot in the cul de sac... or similar. she wanted to report the kids as they were noisy & running on her land. Was this you ?

StarUtopia · 27/08/2020 13:10

Age 7 is far too young to be out wandering the streets - sorry!

I live in a lovely area , fab neighbours ALL of whom I know really well but when my 6 and 7 yr old are playing on the front, I sit on the wall and watch them. Otherwise, they're playing in the back garden. If I want them to be out enjoying nature, I will take them to a local stream where they can play to their heart's content.

You can't just chuck a 7yr old outside and leave them to their own devices all day - not in the this day and age and not if he clearly has autism. Would have been alright in the 80's I agree! And that's because lots of other kids would also have been out playing.

I would imagine it's a report by a concerned neighbour - not one who's a busy body as such.

lumberingaroundthehouse · 27/08/2020 13:10

Oh, come on. Seven year olds shouldn’t be roaming the street half dressed and begging sandwiches from neighbours. I feel sorry for the OP, but let’s not pretend that this was an act of malice.

FOKKYFC · 27/08/2020 13:11

Her seven year old doesn't have autism; it's the older one who does. And there's nothing new under the sun - sex offenders were around in the 80s, too.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 27/08/2020 13:11

You're not this person's neighbour, are you?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4005670-can-i-report-little-boys

lumberingaroundthehouse · 27/08/2020 13:15

@FOKKYFC

Her seven year old doesn't have autism; it's the older one who does. And there's nothing new under the sun - sex offenders were around in the 80s, too.

Yes, and many children fell prey to them.

RealityExistsInTheHumanMind · 27/08/2020 13:15

I think it's brilliant parenting and exactly what kids need.

People have other views and that is fine for them but I can't see a situation where a SW will be worried by this.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/08/2020 13:15

You can't just chuck a 7yr old outside and leave them to their own devices all day - not in the this day and age and not if he clearly has autism.

OP made it clear in her post that this is not the autistic child. She also made it clear that she is checking on him at regular intervals, not “leaving him to his own devices all day”, and that he doesn’t leave their cul de sac.

StarUtopia · 27/08/2020 13:15

Sorry I misread. Even so, 7 is far too young. Ridiculous to just let him roam in my opinion. Can't believe there's a whole page of people saying it's just fine!

StarUtopia · 27/08/2020 13:17

I thought I'd give him a bit more freedom to explore and play outside without me supervising him

Checking on regular intervals? Well, we all know what happened to MM! Dont' be naive. He has probably left the street in-between being checked on!!

lumberingaroundthehouse · 27/08/2020 13:19

What’s most concerning to me is that he’s clearly bothering the neighbours and in and out of their houses. That’s not ‘checking at regular intervals.’

Yes, there are villages where everyone knows everyone. Or think they do. But still, that’s asking for trouble.

Echobelly · 27/08/2020 13:26

Try not to worry - a report isn't a road to kids being taken away or anything. If they do take this any further I am sure they will have a discussion with you and not take it any further at all because they'll understand you just wanted him to have what you had and to enjoy independence and being outdoors, and he wasn't out because you were unconscious after a dozen vodkas by lunchtime!

It's sad some people don't feel kids can have the freedom you gave him, which sounds perfectly safe and positive for his development to me.

Grrretel · 27/08/2020 13:27

If he's out alone and talking to/accepting food from people he doesn't know, then that's probably what the concern is.

At 7, personally I think he shouldn't be out completely alone. What would happen if he got hurt or stuck in a tree? Or went off with someone?
I would let him go and call for his friends but have him come home if no one's coming out to play.

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