Failed at breastfeeding again

[HarperLight]

Not really sure what I wan to achieve by posting this but I need to get it off my chest and my husband just doesn't understand.

I have an 19 month old son, his birth was traumatic.. I attempted to breastfeed but we had a horrendous journey, he had severe tongue tie which was missed he literally made me bleed his suck was so strong but he had poor technique due to the tie. Everyone told me I had it right, he literally latched 'perfectly' immediately but by day 3 I was cracked, bleeding and crying in pain every-time, my husband made me stop as it wasn't good for any of us. I sought help, I pumped while his tie was cut but I never managed to pump more than a few drops. it became an obsession I was pumping most the day. The feeding team sent me to my GP for a prescription of domperidone but she refused it and said I needed to stop I'd had a traumatic birth and I needed to rest and stop pressuring myself. She was right I accepted it and stopped with all attempts. I felt better but my little one was poorly often.. minor childhood illnesses seemed to be severe in him and I always felt guilty that it was because he wasn't breastfed.

I had my second on Wednesday last week.. I had a section due to the trauma of my first birth. I told myself I would try to feed but if it didn't work I wouldn't stress and just give formula. This baby just doesn't want to latch.. I had so much help in the hospital, I even stayed in an extra night to have the feeding support.. but he just doesn't latch.. he keeps his mouth wide open and won't close it. With help in hospital it would eventually work.. but at home I don't always have an extra pair of hands to help and I can't get him latched alone. I've been supplementing with formula and the more bottles he has the less he even attempts to latch to me, he cries, I cry.. it's so stressful. My midwife spent an hour with me yesterday but we had no luck in getting him latched. If he has his chin tickled he will eventually latch on but I just don't have enough hands to do it alone, add an intrigued toddler to the mix and it's just impossible.

I promised myself I wouldn't stress and I wouldn't get worked up and if he ends up on formula then it's ok. But it's not ok, I feel like a failure and feel guilty that I've failed yet again to give my baby the best start in life.

Try nipple shields. Some professionals are very anti them but they allowed me to breastfeed successfully.

@Doyoumind I've tried them.. has the same effect. He just won't close his mouth and suck!

You've put your baby to the breast, tried over and over to bf. Your baby won't latch. If anyone has 'failed' it isn't you, its your baby. That might seem daft but it's true, you've tried your best and you have a perfectly viable alternative. Please don't beat yourself up about it (glare at FailureBaby perhaps?) (Joke obviously!)

If its any consolation my DS was fully breastfed and he ended up admitted to hospital with bronchiolitis at least once a month from the age of 3 weeks old, had about a million ear infections and ended up moderately deaf from glue ear before he had grommets fitted at 2.10. The health benefits of bf'ing are minimal when you have access to a clean home, plentiful clean water, vaccinations etc and are only noticeable on a population level rather than by comparing individual children.

Good luck with your baby

Sending a virtual hug OP. You have done your best, please don’t feel guilty. Your little one will be absolutely fine with formula and if you take the time and stress this is causing you out of the equation you will have more lovely time to spend with the children and will feel much happier in the long run.

I couldn’t bf my DS either (he’s 8 weeks now) as he had severe tongue tie and it caused me a lot of physical pain and unnecessary stress and tears. Plus he was hungry and unhappy! He has been on formula since he was 4 days old and is happy and thriving. Yes it’s disappointing but if DS is happy then it’s all good.

Congratulations on baby no 2!

Don't worry about it, easier said than done but it can't be helped if baby won't latch. Have you still got your pump, could you pump a couple of feeds a day once your milk comes in? Studies have shown mothers tend to produce more milk with their second babies if unable to bf with their first

If it works, great, if not formula is fine and in a few years time you won't think about it at all. Lots of advantages of bottle feeding too like sharing night feeds etc

What do you want to do?

If you want to continue I can give you help, but if you're done that's absolutely fine, your baby will be fine x

My DD never latched - you never read anything about it but it seems fairly common. You're not letting your baby down at all. What's the best start a baby can have? Being loved, being cared for, having a safe, warm, secure environment. You're doing that.

Take the pressure off, mixed feed for a few days- tickle him under the chin so he latches. Try and start him off on the breast every time, then swap to a bottle if you need to.

After a few days, he'll either get the hang of it or you can go full bottle.

If you can, think of it as him having chosen to be bottle fed. He's just a little opinionated!

Bless you, i dont know if this helps in any way but out of my siblings and I , I was the only formula fed one and ended up with the least allergies/best immune system. I'm not dismissing the value of breast milk at all but formula works too and your baby will still be healthy happy and loved which is what counts .

Success here is acceptance. You need to find the best way to feed your baby and suit your family life. I had a non latched and expressed for five months. Not sure this was the right decision in hindsight in the gains verses losses but one thing I know with absolute certainty - I could not have done it for my second DC with a toddler in the mix. Success is ditching the guilt, success is enjoying being a parent, success is feeding your baby. Well done. You deserve a gold medal for your efforts but you know when enough is enough.

You've tried your absolute best so you havent failed at all. This is the exact situation formula was invented for - lots of babies struggle to breastfeed and 100 years ago they wouldn't have made it but your babies are healthy and loved and cared for. Formula is fine, they work really hard to make it as good as it can be. There are also lots of advantages of formula feeding for you and your family.

However if you really want to carry on, face to face breastfeeding support is starting back up in my area and in my experience the proper breastfeeding consultants are far better than midwives at helping with initial issues, so that may be an option. I do understand the sadness, I stopped feeding my oldest before I would have liked to and 12 years later I still feel sad about it. But you've done what's best for your baby so please don't feel bad

I haven't tried to breastfeed him since yesterday lunch time. If I didn't have my toddler then I'd probably still be trying but I'm aware that it takes so much time away from him as I'm so focused on feeding the baby.. if it came naturally to us then I could still be interacting with my toddler but as it doesn't it feels like I have to chose between them which isn't nice.
I considered pumping.. but this is where my issues started last time and my husband said I wasn't to even consider buying a pump if it didn't work it didn't work and that's that. Worried if I start pumping it's just a constant cycle of changing/feeding/pumping and again this will take away from the time I have for my toddler. It's ok now my husband is at home but when he goes back to work and it's just us it will be hard to maintain that cycle.
I just imagined a perfect little baby, without a tongue tie that would instantly latch and off we go.. I think if he had a tie or something obvious that stopped it then it'd be easier to move on.. but it doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm doing it right still feel like it's my fault it's not working. People always tell you it's natural and a babies instinct but it's definitely not coming naturally to this little fella.

Oh my love - I’m in a similar boat. “Failed” with DS 4 years ago who was always mixed fed after developing jaundice but something was wrong with our latch because it was so painful and I HATED breastfeeding him. The failure had such an impact on my mental health in those first few months and anytime I met someone new I felt I had to confess to them my sins before they found out themselves. Fast forward 4 years and he’s bright and charming and hilarious and the sweetest, most kind caring boy who literally eats everything and I don’t even remember how he was fed at first!

DD is 8 weeks old and throughout pregnancy I was telling myself to be more chilled about feeding but was hopeful to do things “right” if I could this time but not beat myself up etc. and then the moment she was born I became a mad woman obsessed with trying to nail breastfeeding at the expense of my mental health, relationship with DH and time spent with DS. DD has a tongue tie, recessive jaw and v weak suck. I’m feeding using nipple shields and pumping 4-7 times a day. We have had the tie divided but by laser privately because it was deep and it still hasn’t helped. So far I’ve spent ££££££££ on private support and we’re still here struggling. I can’t really leave the house because of how frequently I need to pump. I’m finding it hard and so lonely and made worse due to COVID and baby groups not running.

Long winded way of saying it’s so hard, I get it but you have not failed. Your baby has not failed. And we’re so mean to ourselves. I keep trying to think objectively about it my best friend was in this situation and came crying to me, what would I say to her? I’d be kind and compassionate and give her a break. We need to do that to ourselves. What would you say to a friend in your situation?

Sending hugs. X

I failed twice too. First delivery was a week stay on delivery as I had sepsis, dc wouldn't latch ended up pumping for a few weeks before switching to formula.

Dc2 latched and I fed for a week but I had horrific cracked nipples, blood everywhere and dreading the next feed. I pumped for the weekend to give myself the time to heal and decide what to do. I had help for latching and got a few issues solved during that first week but she just had such a strong suck that every evening when my supply was lower that she wanted my nipples would open up again. I switch to formula day 10 or so, I didn't pump because I wore myself out the first time doing that and with a toddler and a newborn I knew it wouldn't be sustainable.

Occasionally I get mum guilt of I didn't manage it but it was the best thing for my children.

It isn't a 'fail' if you follow your baby and give him/her what s/he needs. You're doing that. Responding to your baby is not a fail.

I felt the same way after 'failing' with my first. I had a traumatic event happen to me just before her first birthday and getting through that sort of helped clear my head of the guilt and shame and realise that actually it makes no difference how she was fed. She was happy, healthy, thriving in every way (apart from sleep) so last year when I had my next baby I made a plan that I would express for 2 weeks and baby would get whatever but I would not punish myself again. We had quite a bumpy start with our health but he got some expressed milk for 10 days and that was it. You have not failed at anything. Feeding makes such a little difference in the grand scheme of things. Try to pursue if you wish but only if it doesn't damage your mental health. Being a mum is a tough (but wonderful) gig so give yourself a break and do what you need to do.

If you want to give it one last try, Google deep latch technique. They need to reach up and over so their bottom lip is pushing against your breast- they look like they're eating an apple rather than sucking spaghetti. Realistically it wouldn't be like this forever, just a few more days until you both crack it. You could keep going until bank holiday Monday and see how you get on? Also Rugby ball hold is good. If you're stuck you can dm me your number and I'll call you to talk it through. X

I had a tough time breastfeeding mine too. My nipples were cracked, bruised, blistered, bleeding. I remember her crying out of hunger in my partners arms and I was crying too out of frustration. I wanted to feed her, but the pain was so intense. My partner kept encouraging me, and I kept pushing through. Eventually we got through it... then I got a blocked duct and mastisis! I kept thinking, "seriously, if this is supposed to be natural why is it so damn hard!". Pushed through again, and now I'm happily breastfeeding. Keep pushing if you can. It's so so hard, you have my sympathies

Give the formula, enjoy the cuddles with your children.

And this is why I weigh in on those 'breastfeeding pride' threads on MN to bring up the inconvenient truth that breastfeeding does not give you a better bond with your baby, and the health advantage is absolutely minimal. So small it is only seen on a national level. There is nothing about breastfeeding that is worth sacrificing your precious newborn days or mental health for.

OP, you have not failed. Neither has your baby. It just hasn't worked out - a bit of bad luck, which in the long run will make zero difference to your relationship with your lovely baby.

Let yourself off the hook, you sound like a great mum to put your baby's needs before your own ambitions. Enjoy your new little one, it goes so fast doesnt it xx

@Razpoot 'Keep pushing if you can', really? You should be ashamed of yourself. OP needs reassurance that she does not need to feel any guilt over bottle feeding. Not a smug 'I got through it, so you can too'.

@Wolfgirrl

And this is why I weigh in on those 'breastfeeding pride' threads on MN to bring up the inconvenient truth that breastfeeding does not give you a better bond with your baby, and the health advantage is absolutely minimal. So small it is only seen on a national level. There is nothing about breastfeeding that is worth sacrificing your precious newborn days or mental health for.

OP, you have not failed. Neither has your baby. It just hasn't worked out - a bit of bad luck, which in the long run will make zero difference to your relationship with your lovely baby.

Let yourself off the hook, you sound like a great mum to put your baby's needs before your own ambitions. Enjoy your new little one, it goes so fast doesnt it xx

@Razpoot 'Keep pushing if you can', really? You should be ashamed of yourself. OP needs reassurance that she does not need to feel any guilt over bottle feeding. Not a smug 'I got through it, so you can too'.

Wtf? I was only trying to provide encouragement. You don't need to make this a breastfeeding vs formula battlefield as people seem to love to do

You have literally tried your hardest and you’ve even sought help in many places you can not do much more than that so please do not beat yourself up about it! You have not failed in any shape you have succeeded in doing what you can to make it work. Please go back to your original thought of not stressing about it and doing what it is that’s needed to ensure baby is fed.
You will be a wonderful mother who creates bonds in all kinds of ways. The pressure then lack of support for bf is overwhelming. You’ve got two young babies give yourself some slack and enjoy your time with your new little human.

@Razpoot

OP didnt ask for encouragement to continue breastfeeding. She has made the decision to stop for many reasons and is looking for support with that decision. It isnt for you to heap the guilt on further.

[quote Wolfgirrl]@Razpoot

OP didnt ask for encouragement to continue breastfeeding. She has made the decision to stop for many reasons and is looking for support with that decision. It isnt for you to heap the guilt on further.[/quote]
From what I've read, OP is still trying to breastfeed. They don't say say they have made the decision to stop but rather they are attempting breastfeeding and finding struggles e.g. "if they end up on formula" and that they were with the midwife trying yesterday

You can't possibly have failed because it's not a test.

You're being to hard on yourself!!
You tried, you did your best and it didn't work out.

Of course breast milk is great, but so if formula. A healthy baby, who is gaining weight appropriately is the only desired outcome when reflecting on feeding choices.

Well done for trying again OP, it is what it is, be happy 🌸🌸🌸