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Parenting

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Original poster

Social Services children

57 replies

HUGS65 · 25/08/2020 11:54

Lockdown has not been easy for my son with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and working from home. One extremely hot day his eldest would not go to bed and he slapped him. The child didnt even notice but it left a mark. They told childminder next day and it was reported to SS. My son had to move out and have no contact with his children. Its been 2 weeks and he has not heard a thing from them but his partner is becoming depressed and his eldest son has resorted to being naughty. I just dont know what to do as a grandparent

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

uglyface · 25/08/2020 15:33

Support your DIL with childcare etc. Cooperate with social services. Be there for your grandchildren. Accept that your son may not be blameless and that DIL’s mental health issues may be part of a bigger picture going on at home that you know nothing about.

Do not under any circumstances accept any kind of excuses for what he did. He is the adult, his son is 4. There are families living under considerably more stressful conditions than this who not resort to harming their children.

ballsdeep · 25/08/2020 15:36

I have to say, I'm getting so annoyed with the mention of mental health in every single post!!

Fredfrench62 · 25/08/2020 15:40

I know from experience that social services will only intervene if a child has been abused and it has left a mark.

That is what has happened. Your son has hit your grandchild so hard it marked them.

Social services have removed the danger fro your grandchild's home and I'm sure will be dealing with the matter as soon as they can. This may take a while and certainly longer than 2 weeks because they are bust stopping other children from also being abused like your grandchild has been. There is no urgency for them with your son's case as they have removed the abuser from the home.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 4 year olds Families General parenting

FlySheMust · 25/08/2020 15:41

I write this as a person who was never smacked as a child and who has never smacked my own or anyone else's. I don't believe in smacking as a form of discipline.

However, it isn't illegal yet, is it? If you go into almost any supermarket you will see a child getting a slap at some point.

I am not defending this but I am concerned that the man has accepted a caution when what he did wasn't illegal. I think the police have over stepped the mark, unless there is more to this.

I repeat - I am not defending hitting children but I am concerned what the actual legal aspect is. Does anyone know?

meow1989 · 25/08/2020 15:43

@flyshemust its illegal the hit hard enough to leave a mark or with an implement

zippityzip · 25/08/2020 15:44

@FlySheMust You are wrong.

You can, as such, use reasonable force to discipline you're child. IE restraint.

You cannot - use an implement or hit hard enough to leave marks - that is assault.

In all regards - time has moved from "that kid needs a clip round the ear". If an adult slapped you because you became over emotional it would be assault. Why should children, who cannot defend themselves, be expected to be slapped for discipline. All it does it show a complete lack of control by the adult.

zippityzip · 25/08/2020 15:46

And OP, I think your minimising and total and utter excuse making, and babying of your son is probably part of the issue.

If he slapped your DIL hard enough to leave marks on her face would you be saying "oh but it was so hot and he was tired". Get a grip. Advocate for your grandchildren for gods sake.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/08/2020 15:46

The child didnt even notice but it left a mark. Bollocks.
They told childminder next day and it was reported to SS. She deserves a payrise.

FlySheMust · 25/08/2020 15:47

Thanks @zippityzip and @meow1989

I thought there would be an explanation. Having never hit or been hit I wondered what was going on.

Thisismytimetoshine · 25/08/2020 15:47

You're minimising it, just like your son probably did. The child was left with a mark obvious enough to be seen the following day and you're trying to claim he didn't notice being walloped?
Shame on you.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 25/08/2020 15:47

@FlySheMust

I write this as a person who was never smacked as a child and who has never smacked my own or anyone else's. I don't believe in smacking as a form of discipline.

However, it isn't illegal yet, is it? If you go into almost any supermarket you will see a child getting a slap at some point.

I am not defending this but I am concerned that the man has accepted a caution when what he did wasn't illegal. I think the police have over stepped the mark, unless there is more to this.

I repeat - I am not defending hitting children but I am concerned what the actual legal aspect is. Does anyone know?

Pretty sure it's only legal if you don't leave a mark, because hitting as discipline isn't supposed to be harmful as long as all the damage is purely psychological you're good to smack your child as much as you like, but because OP's son hit his child so hard there was an obvious mark the next day, that absolutely is illegal.

OP, if i were you I'd tell your son to get some anger management help, tell him to call SS and ask for an update, and then I'd switch your focus to supporting your DiL and grandkids. Your son needs to stay away from them.

zippityzip · 25/08/2020 15:49

@FlySheMust No worries - and sorry if my post came across shitty towards you. It wasn't - I'm just in shock that this woman can be so stupid. "My poor son" bollocks. He shouldn't be allowed near his kids.

LonginesPrime · 25/08/2020 15:50

"They told childminder next day and it was reported to SS." She deserves a payrise

For following the law? Surely adhering to basic safeguarding rules is a given for childminders?

LolaSmiles · 25/08/2020 15:51

As a grandparent you need to stop minimising your son's actions, stop finding excuses as to why he assaulted his child and offer practical support to the family. If things are tough at home, offering to have the children for an afternoon to give your son and his partner some space and respite would be a good thing to do.

You really need to stop minimising this though. Anyone working with children is trained in safeguarding and has a legal duty to report any concerns about a child. The childminder didn't over-react. They did their job and following their legal responsibilities.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/08/2020 15:52

Haven't you posted this before?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 25/08/2020 15:54

@SnuggyBuggy

Haven't you posted this before?

She has, and she received a lot of people telling her it isn't OK for her son to hit his children, and so she didn't come back.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/08/2020 15:55

@LonginesPrime

"They told childminder next day and it was reported to SS." She deserves a payrise

For following the law? Surely adhering to basic safeguarding rules is a given for childminders?

Based on how many people wouldn't have reported it, would have minimised it, would have some to the parents and been told it was just once and so wouldn't report it.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/08/2020 15:55

Thought as much

AvoidingRealHumans · 25/08/2020 16:00

Similar happened in our family a few years ago.
My sis has mental health issues and really struggled being a mum, she smacked my niece (left no mark) and called my mum crying asking for support. My mum called the gp and they obviously called social services who arranged anger management and parenting courses.
My niece sadly had to go into care as my sister didn't let my mum look after her because she blamed her for calling the gp but she was only in care for 6 weeks and then back with my sister as they saw her to be engaging and able to care for her daughter again.
She also got a police caution. It won't be forever but he needs to get support for himself as smacking a child isn't how to deal with things and show social services that he knows he is in the wrong and willing to get help to sort out his issues.

popsydoodle4444 · 25/08/2020 16:02

*Your son is an adult and your grandson a 4 year tiny child.

*A 4 year cannot physically defend themselves against an adult.

*Your son hit his child in temper

*He hit him hard enough to leave a mark

*Stop expecting people to tell you it's okay because it isn't

*How many other incidents have their been that you don't know about?

*I was physically abused by my dad as a child,he'd "lose" his temper but was canny enough to only punch me on the scalp,top of my arms and top of my thighs where the bruises were less likely to be seen.I'd be in so much pain during these vile assaults I couldn't breath and would often vomit afterwards.

*Do you know what it's like to be assaulted by a parent?

*Stop making excuses for your son's actions

OnceUponAPotato · 25/08/2020 16:08

Step one is you and he stop minimising this. The ‘slap’ left a mark and the child was sufficiently upset to tell the childminder. Yet you claim they ‘didn’t notice’. Even you know that’s bullshit.

He will get support, but the first step is to recognise what he’s done and be genuinely remorseful . If you and he keep claiming it was nothing, that’s when he risks losing access to the children.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 25/08/2020 16:13

So a 4 year old child (on a hot day) struggles to go to bed and your son (an adult) slaps him. SS find out and child removed. Are you completely sure there hasn't been other incidents of slapping/hitting?

SS are looking to protect a vulnerable child. They have to be sure that the child is safe before returning. There are many children removed that are not hit and the child might have talked to adults about other problems experienced.....

Is your son being honest with you? He needs to contact SS and speak to SW and find out....

Mylittlepony374 · 25/08/2020 16:23

You asked "what makes a good parent?"

Not hitting your child hard enough to leave a mark is a pretty fucking low bar but let's start there.

Not a care for your grandchild in your posts, only for your precious abusive son.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/08/2020 16:27

A good parent would have left the room to calm down before dealing with the child.

zippityzip · 25/08/2020 16:39

@Mylittlepony374

You asked "what makes a good parent?"

Not hitting your child hard enough to leave a mark is a pretty fucking low bar but let's start there.

Not a care for your grandchild in your posts, only for your precious abusive son.

This with fucking balls on.

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