Advice for first-time mums?

[bananabeachhouse]

Hi there, I'm wondering if anyone has advice for first-time mums regarding conception (or pre-conception), pregnancy, childbirth, child rearing etc etc. I'm not pregnant as of yet- will be probably trying to conceive in a year and a half to two years dependent on getting a house. I'll be quite a young mum and don't have any access to sisters / a mum of my own for support, so any advice is appreciated. Please try to keep it positive! Thank you! ☀️ x

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

It was my partner that noticed things were becoming an issue. It all revolved around guidelines and worrying about deviating from them. For example, if a guideline said that my baby should take 100ml per feed, and my son took, say, 80mls or 150mls, id worry. I didnt want to leave the house because id be so worried my son wouldnt be ok and I wouldnt know how to cope. Ive found CBT really helpful, but it has taken a lot of personal work. Id liken it to having to do physio exercises because of a broken leg - you need to put effort into the exercises in your personal time, not just in the sessions. I found the same thing with CBT.

I honestly wouldnt worry about child development things too much. All babies develop at their own pace.

[YessicaHaircut]

Get yourself into good shape healthwise before trying to conceive, and consider coming off hormonal contraception a good while before you actually want to be pregnant as your body can take a while to settle down. Use Ovia app to track your cycles, it’s really helpful.

Stock up your fridge and freezer before your due date as cooking and eating proper meals falls pretty far down the to do list during the first few weeks.

If your husband is able to take longer than 2 weeks off when you give birth then do it! Those 2 weeks go nowhere and honestly I would have really struggled alone after that as was in hospital for 4 nights and then had quite limited mobility for a few weeks following an epidural/forceps birth.

Above all, take all advice with a pinch of salt! All babies are different, all families are different, and what works for others may not be the best fit for your baby or for you. There is lots of helpful advice on MN which I found invaluable. Good luck!

[bananabeachhouse]

@Letsallscreamatthesistene I'm definitely worried about my anxiety levels going through the roof as they're pretty high as is. Have things gotten more manageable for you as time's gone on? xx

[bananabeachhouse]

@YessicaHaircut I'm planning on hopefully dropping a few stone prior to TTC - I'm not heavily overweight, but I had an eating disorder when I was younger and the recovery process lead to me over-gaining a bit. I was on the pill from I think 14-16 and then the implant for about 8 months at 16, but haven't been on anything since (probably won't go back on unless my periods become unbearable again, or I start having casual sex which is very very unlikely ). He'll be able to take off quite a lot of paternity time, and will hopefully be able to also arrange his annual leave around the time of the baby being born. Thanks so much for your help, I appreciate your advice! xx

[Sayitagainwhydontyou]

19/20 is very young. What's your hurry?

[bananabeachhouse]

@Sayitagainwhydontyou There's no hurry necessarily. At that point we will be financially and emotionally stable within our relationship, enough to justify facilitating a family. It is young I agree, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it as the lifestyle that everyone should adopt, but I think we are stable and emotionally ready enough to make it work.

[Sayitagainwhydontyou]

How old are you now? Your idea of emotionally ready and stable could change a lot as you mature.

[Sayitagainwhydontyou]

You'll also completely decimate your future earning potential if you don't establish a career first.

[Carouselfish]

I would say don't sweat the small stuff, everything is a phase and changes and try to go with what feels natural, forget clinging doggedly to any one theory or method you might read about. Also, try to be at your fittest before pregnancy so you dont pay quite such a physical toll.

[bananabeachhouse]

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I'm 17, coming up on 18 soon. I appreciate that you may have expectations of what an ideal age to have children is, and I respect that opinion, but I'm making choices with my DH based on our own personal lifestyle. If you have any positive advice, feel free to share it. Thank you . xx

[bananabeachhouse]

@Carouselfish I think even now I've definitely absorbed lots of different parts of different parenting methods - I'd like to be involved as much as possible, while also respecting my kid (s)'s autonomy and need for independence. I definitely need to work on the getting fit part though Do you have any tips for getting healthier prior to conception? Quarantine definitely hasn't helped xx

[plplz]

This

[FuckingBlippi]

Put yourself first. You're no use to a baby if you're stressed and worried about every single aspect of motherhood.

Picture yourself in a years time and ask, will it even matter? 99.9% of stuff won't, so don't spend them precious first few months obsessing over trivial stuff.

[bananabeachhouse]

@plplz Funny, but please try to keep it positive! Thank you xx

[bananabeachhouse]

@FuckingBlippi What is some stuff you'd consider trivial? I definitely want to try and remain calm, but I also don't want to be overly lax and not pay enough attention to my baby. Interested to hear what things you think are not as important as made out to be - thanks for adding to the thread! xx

[FuckingBlippi]

Everything. As long as your baby is fed, clean and loved it does not matter how you did it.

That includes dummy or no dummy, breast or bottle, designer pram or cheap, expensive clothes or second hand, baby classes or not, SAHM or working mum, sleep training or rocking to sleep! It doesn't matter. The years are short and the days are soo bloody long. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything in a way you don't want to just because they think it makes you a better mum.

Just take each day as it comes and do what you think is the most appropriate on that day. Your baby will love you no matter what.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Wow 17.....OP completely your choice and I really don’t want to be negative, but honestly I think you will turn round and find yourself completely alienated from the working world, your peers, mums too if I’m honest.
You can live your life then have kids, it’s much harder to have kids and then live your life.

[Pipandmum]

One piece of advice: routine routine routine.
As soon as you come home, start one. I was flexible during the day, but at night I was struct: bath, story, read (or make up a story), feed then down when still a little awake, lights out, leave. You may have to go in (I never let my kids cry for more than a minute or two), but do jot pick up baby, just sooth and then leave again. After a few weeks the baby gets it. Wake up before you go to bed for a quiet sleepy feed, then back down.
I also woke my baby during the day if naps went on beyond an hour and a half.
My babies slept very well and from three months had no issues getting them down, and very few bad nights. I never co slept either.
This will allow you baby free time with your husband in the evening.
You will obsess over certain things but as soon as that goes by, something else will happen to obsess you.
Dont rely on health visitors- I had mine in an affluent London suburb, and only had one visit per child (and I had cesareans). But I did go to the local family clinic most weeks initially, but it will always be someone different.
I'm sure you will do a great job, keep your partner in ok ed as much as possible, remember to accept help, try and get some couple time, and enjoy getting to know this new little individual.

[bananabeachhouse]

@FuckingBlippi Thank you so much for your positive advice! It's reassuring to be reminded that there's no "one right way" to do things, and that most of the time babies won't even notice as long as they're happy xx

[Sayitagainwhydontyou]

@bananabeachhouse I'm speaking from experience here - i was with the same boy from 14, married at 18, thought we were mature and stable and ready to have a baby, ignored everyone who said we weren't... We were separated by the time i was 20, divorced by 21 and i have never been anything but thankful that we didn't have a baby.

That aside, my advice to you would be that even if your plan is to be a SAHM, you need either a qualification or some career experience that will mean you're employable later down the line. If your DH leaves, or gets sick, or can't work, you need to have a backup plan. Make sure you both have life insurance, and a pension. Ideally, you'd also have a mortgage.

Make sure your mental health is rock solid, as having a baby can really screw you up.
Get therapy for any childhood issues, things with your parents etc, put all those demons to bed thoroughly. Put time and effort into your friendships and family relationships now, you'll need them when you have a baby. Make a bucket list of places you'd like to see/go, things you want to do, and make sure you tick of at least a handful of them. Have lots of fun sex, you'll be down to silent quickies once the baby arrives.

[bananabeachhouse]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I appreciate your opinion (really, I do) but I guess it's easy to latch on to one specific part of my life and then build a picture of what it looks like based on that one part. For the working world, I don't have a big career passion- I don't think it makes me weak or like I'm letting myself down to admit this, but I don't have a desire to have a high-powered career. I'm pursuing a degree, and I will work if I need to in the future, but it's not a particularly important aspect of life for me (please don't go into the whole "don't depend on a man" spiel, this is another thing I understand fully but I also would not have married a man who I didn't think I could depend on). As for the friends- I haven't had friends in probably about a year, by choice. Even without children, I've made some life choices that don't necessarily equate with other young people's experiences- for example, I don't go out drinking, I got married young and I don't live my life under the rule of "being young". I've had my time for fun, and now I'd like to pursue my time for genuine long-term life satisfaction and obtaining some goals of mine. If other mums don't want to relate to me because I'm young, then I will accept that and I'm in no way reliant on the friendship of other women to get through pregnancy or motherhood (though, of course, would love some supportive friends if the opportunity presented itself).

I know my situation is relatively unique, but I've genuinely had an earful of (probably well-intentioned) information about how to live my life from women on Mumsnet who haven't experienced anything like my life. I acknowledge that being a young mum is often the wrong choice through a lot of women, but similarly my pregnancy would be planned - clearly well in advance!- and actively wanted, by both me and my DH. So, genuinely thank you for expressing your opinion and I don't think you're wrong by any means, but positive advice & tips is much more beneficial to the health of me and my future children than any "generalised" advice about being a younger mother. I know you don't mean it negatively though - thank you. xx

[plplz]

All jokes aside. I have a 3 month old. I'm 36, have travelled, have a good job, money and an ok-ish relationship.

I thought I was prepared for motherhood, I went in aware it would be hard. But it is actually way harder than anyone can even tell you. All I can say is be ready; make sure your relationship is bloody rock solid, and have a LOT of support around you.

I have no support beyond my husband, as my parents are overseas and my in laws are two hours away, and have three other grandchildren. I would give anything for someone I could trust to take my baby for a few hours. So make sure you have help, and take any offers of help. You don't need to be a superhero.

Also, if you're planning on breastfeeding, be ready for cluster feeding, its fudging brutal. Also, introducing a bottle of expressed milk every day means you will get a well deserved break. I say to express and do it every day because expressing will ensure a good milk supply, and prevent bottle refusal. My 3 month old plain refuses a bottle so 14 weeks in and desperate for a break, and not getting one is very hard.

[bananabeachhouse]

[quote Sayitagainwhydontyou]@bananabeachhouse I'm speaking from experience here - i was with the same boy from 14, married at 18, thought we were mature and stable and ready to have a baby, ignored everyone who said we weren't... We were separated by the time i was 20, divorced by 21 and i have never been anything but thankful that we didn't have a baby.

That aside, my advice to you would be that even if your plan is to be a SAHM, you need either a qualification or some career experience that will mean you're employable later down the line. If your DH leaves, or gets sick, or can't work, you need to have a backup plan. Make sure you both have life insurance, and a pension. Ideally, you'd also have a mortgage.

Make sure your mental health is rock solid, as having a baby can really screw you up.
Get therapy for any childhood issues, things with your parents etc, put all those demons to bed thoroughly. Put time and effort into your friendships and family relationships now, you'll need them when you have a baby. Make a bucket list of places you'd like to see/go, things you want to do, and make sure you tick of at least a handful of them. Have lots of fun sex, you'll be down to silent quickies once the baby arrives.[/quote]
@Sayitagainwhydontyou Trust me, I know that being young can give you rose-tinted glasses when it comes to relationships and motherhood. However, I do think there have to be exceptions - for which I truly believe I and my husband are one. You can perceive that as naive if you'd like, but I think if you met both of us you would understand that we have grown together and built a life that highlights and strengthens our core values. He is just as serious and committed to our relationship and parenthood as I am, and if I'm honest our parents' poor relationships have both cemented the ideas of loyalty and dedications in our heads. As for qualifications, I'm going to be obtaining a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing (possibly not the most highly valued degree in the world, but is a passion project of mine). On a lower level, I'm also obtaining an HNC in Social Sciences this year. My DH has life insurance through his career, and I will look into getting it soon - as for pensions, similar circumstances. We are planning on getting a mortgage prior to a baby, and unless we have to put off getting a mortgage for a very long time, we will try to avoid raising a child in a flat.

I've had (almost excessive haha!) amounts of therapy and counselling, and have managed to pull myself away from negative people or environments that would prohibit my growth. I had an abusive childhood, which I am still in the process of recovering from, but further cements my ideas and knowledge about the importance of love and care for your children. I don't speak to any of my family anymore, due to aforementioned problems, but my partner and I are used to solely being reliant on one another and so I think we will be able to push through difficulties.

As for the fun "prior" stuff- yes, sex and rollercoasters are high on the list xx

[bananabeachhouse]

@Pipandmum This is great advice, and thank you very much for your positivity! I appreciate it, and will try and remember as much of it as I can hahaha! xx

[bananabeachhouse]

@plplz

All jokes aside. I have a 3 month old. I'm 36, have travelled, have a good job, money and an ok-ish relationship.

I thought I was prepared for motherhood, I went in aware it would be hard. But it is actually way harder than anyone can even tell you. All I can say is be ready; make sure your relationship is bloody rock solid, and have a LOT of support around you.

I have no support beyond my husband, as my parents are overseas and my in laws are two hours away, and have three other grandchildren. I would give anything for someone I could trust to take my baby for a few hours. So make sure you have help, and take any offers of help. You don't need to be a superhero.

Also, if you're planning on breastfeeding, be ready for cluster feeding, its fudging brutal. Also, introducing a bottle of expressed milk every day means you will get a well deserved break. I say to express and do it every day because expressing will ensure a good milk supply, and prevent bottle refusal. My 3 month old plain refuses a bottle so 14 weeks in and desperate for a break, and not getting one is very hard.

@plplz My DH and I actively work on our relationship, one of our strong points being communication and openness. I don't mean to trivialise the concept of motherhood AT ALL, I think it's one of the most important jobs in the world, but we've been through more "conventionally difficult" hurdles and have always managed to pull ourselves through the other end. If opportunities of (trusted) help arise, then I will make sure to accept them gratefully but I am not totally reliant or dependent on other people for assistance - hence why I am doing as much prep work as I can ahead of time.

Re; the breastfeeding I've been learning a lot of interesting things about it - (this is probably old news to you) but breast milk in the morning vs at night has different hormones in it like melatonin, so if you freeze your breast milk it's good to write when you pumped so you can feed your baby it at the right time! Sorry, probably not so interesting to you now, but I just think female bodies are fascinating honestly hahaha. Thank you for the advice though, I'll make sure to keep all of this in mind! xx