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Original poster

Too Old ??

44 replies

whoisit · 16/10/2004 16:30

Changed my name here - I'm almost 38 - have a DD whos almost 4 and can't decide whether to try for another. DH says he would like another but is not pressuring me. I keep jumping from yes to no with no really strong feelings either way. My age worries me a bit with the increased various risks but I would hate to find out in 10 years time that I regretted not having another. I love DD dearly but currently work full time (which I like ATM)& with another one, bigger changes would have to be made I guess. I need some wise words MNetters.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

gothicmama · 16/10/2004 16:32

whoisit if you have no strong feelings either way then why not ditch the contraception and see what happens - how do you feel about all the changes

Yorkiegirl · 16/10/2004 16:32

Message withdrawn

bundle · 16/10/2004 16:36

dd2 was born last april, when i was 38. go for it (my cousin has just had her 1st at nearly 42..)

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Original poster

whoisit · 16/10/2004 16:46

How do I feel about the changes - bit scared I think. Thats probably what worries me more than the health things. We are settled & have sort of got 'back to normal' if you see what I mean after DD. I like my work & wonder if I have another will it knock my career on the head?

OP posts:

bundle · 16/10/2004 16:49

whoisit, yes something has to give so you have to know that you really want to do it, and decide whose career is going to maybe take a knock for a while. atm i work 3 days a week in a lovely place but my ambition is v definitely on hold. dd2 is the best present i've ever given to dd1.

OldieMum · 16/10/2004 17:26

I gave birth to dd on my 41st birthday. When my mother had me she was 39. Her mother was 44 when she was born. No surprises, then, that I feel positive about being an older mother. I honestly can't see a downside to it.

OldieMum · 16/10/2004 17:27

On careers - well, there's no best time, is there? I am reasonably well-established in my career, in a permanent academic job, but I still had a battle over going part-time.

CountessDracula · 16/10/2004 17:29

blimey whoisit you could be me! (apart from I don't like working f/t!)

I would go for it, we are. I have grave reservations about my health being up to it and the horrors of dd's birth repearting themselves but I figure you've got to go for it really.

bonym · 16/10/2004 19:05

Whoisit - I am 38 and expecting no. 2 next March. DD will be almost 7 by then. We deliberated long and hard before deciding to go for it - we have a nice life, two good salaries, lots of hols and don't have to worry about money. Also as dd is not dh's, we get time on our own together when she goes to her father (although this is not that often). In the end we decided that the pros outweighed the cons, and didn't really want dd to be an only child. Like you I kept jumping from yes to no, but now I am pg am so excited and dh is over the moon (even though he was less certain than me at first). At as far as risks and age are concerned - i wasworried too, but the only difference I have found so far is taht I am more tired than last time. Had a nuchal scan which changed my Downs risk from 1 in 117 to 1 in 1136 so that was reassuring. You will see from mumsnet that there are loads of mums our age and older who have had healthy pgs & babies and no regrets. Hope this is some help - good luck with whatever you decide.

biketastic · 16/10/2004 19:20

am pretty mich wondering the same, whosit.
But my bog concern really is how to afford childcare for 2 little ones. My ds is 1yr now and I work 3 dyas a week and we are back to feling comfortable financially.
We can't afford to live on my dh salary, so I need to work, and the bit after childacre pays the mortgage.
How can we afford a second??
I am 39 and dh is 48. Is this too old??
How old is your dh, whosit?

WideWebWitch · 16/10/2004 19:45

Blimey bonym, are you me? Lots of similarities! Whoisit, I'm 37 and had my dd (second child) a year ago. My son is 7 now, so he was 6 when she was born and we had most definitely got our lives back, plus ds isn't dp's so we got time to ourselves every other weekend when ds went to his dad. But I so, so, so don't regret having another, it's 10 x easier the second time round, there isn't the shock of new parenthood to deal with and you know what you're doing a bit more. I love her to bits and her brother does too. My family feels complete and we are all really very happy. I know it may not be the same for you though, just thought it was worth telling you. I was a SAHM for years but recently went back to work full time and dp is now a SAHD. I wouldn't have wanted to be a sahm this time round. If you want to keep working could you? Have you looked at the various childcare options? Don't forget at some point they will both be at school and childcare will therefore be cheaper. (I know, you haven't even conceived the second yet and here I am, talking about it going to school!)

bonym · 16/10/2004 19:57

WWW - spooky!

unicorn · 16/10/2004 19:58

give it a go..(if you are even half way thinking about it). because, you may find it might not be so straightforward to get pregnant second time around.
38 is a mere baby anyway!!!!!
good luck

hercules · 16/10/2004 20:03

Do it!!!

My mum had me in her early 40's. No problems.

Davros · 16/10/2004 20:10

Worrying about your age is just an excuse cos your're not quite sure imo. I had DD last year age 43 (me, not her!). You'll be fine, mind you I was clear about having tests and what I would do if there were probs. Maybe ditch the contraception and see what happens as someone else suggested, you might find out if you're very disappointed or not if it doesn't happen. Good luck and happy trying!

WigWamBam · 16/10/2004 20:18

I'm an older mum and I think I'm making a better job of it than I would have done had I been younger. I have more patience, more experience and am more relaxed than I was when I was young - although it's more tiring, it's definitely something I have enjoyed more than I would if I had been young. I was 38 when I had my daughter, my husband was 44 and it was the best thing we ever did. We nearly didn't do it, and I think with hindsight I would have regretted it forever if we hadn't had her.

mummylove · 16/10/2004 20:24

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT!

Oh I wish I could have another baby, my dd is 18mths and I have a pain in my chest everyday and think about another baby.

I cant because of financial reasons and we live in a small flat on third floor, it would be selfish of me right now, hopefully our circumstances will improve soon and I can try.

If you say your woory whether or not you would regret it then that means you most prob will so get luuuuuuuuuuuurve makin

Nobody ever regrets a baby when they finally arrive (well maybe during a wakeful night)

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!.... im jealous

Earlybird · 16/10/2004 20:57

I'm a bit of a fatalist with these things, so I say go for it, and it will happen if it's meant to be.

I had dd when I was 42.5. Clearly I didn't have time to hang about if I wanted another child, so after a year I started trying again with help from a fertility clinic. I finally achieved a pregnancy via IVF which sadly ended in a miscarriage. My doctor told me that their clinic has had NO success with IVF in women of 45 or older, so I am unable to try again unless I am willing to use a donor egg.

As much as I would have liked a sibling for dd, I can honestly say that I gave it my best attempt and that it clearly wasn't in the cards for me. I am very glad however that I tried because I know that in future I won't be faced with niggling thoughts of "what if" or "I wish I had....."

It is so hard to make the decision of whether or not to try for another child because you can logically come up with all the reasons why to do it/or not. But, you know that if you do have another child you will somehow make it work and then will find it hard to imagine your life without that child. Best of luck, and keep posting.

Polgara2 · 16/10/2004 21:07

whoisit - I would probably say go for it. I was almost 37 when I had dd2. My Mum was 41 when she had me. I had a bad pregnancy with dd1 and really, really didn't want to go through it again BUT I really, really didn't want her to be an only child either (as I had been). I can honestly say having a second child has given me no regrets whatsoever and dd1 has benefitted tremendously from it. Also we didn't think we could manage on dh's salary but so far we have - sacrifices have to be made but they are more than worth it.

yurtgirl · 16/10/2004 21:12

Message withdrawn

tabitha · 17/10/2004 00:54

Go for it. I think that since you've got to the point of asking/wondering whether you should, you'll regret it if you don't try.
I had dd when I was 41 and my next youngest child was 6 1/2 so we certainly had got our lives together. I won't say it isn't hard work at times, but dd is a star and has stopped us becoming 'old and staid and boring'

sleeplessmumof2 · 17/10/2004 10:36

whoisit, im sitting here aged 39 with my ds2 aged 8 weeks. Like you i deliberated for a fair while about having another. For me in the end it came down to the fact that my ds1 was overindulged and spoilt. I was unhealthily attached to him (for both of us in the long run!) and did not want him to one day have to be on his own without siblings when his parents were old and infirm. So bit the bullet and had another!!!

Was really worried about age, patience, energy etc and most of all about another bad pregnancy and birth. Have to say the pregnancy wasnt great but at least i knew about that already and most of all the birth was FANTASTIC completely different to ds1.

8 weeks down the line, i have know regrets, the upheaval is much much much less than i expected second time around and yes its so much easier 2nd time blah blah blah blah ( i heard all that too!!!)

Hope this helps you think along other lines and that you come up with the decision that is right for you

sobernow · 17/10/2004 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallulah · 17/10/2004 13:53

sobernow, we've been thinking about this & wondering if it's just a mid-life crisis, as we already have 4 who are now all grown up! Our biggest consideration is that we both work full-time & the mortgage takes up virtually one whole salary. The financial implication would be that neither of us can give up work or even go part-time, so the only other option is full-time day care which obviously costs money! (and a lot of it). How do people get around this huge obstacle? (obviously can't downsize to a smaller house as we only have 3 bedrooms for 6 of us as it is..and ours is not a particularly large house)

essbee · 17/10/2004 13:58

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