Am I disadvantaging my baby by not sending him to nursery?

[nurserydilemma3]

My baby boy is six months old and I’m starting to think about going back to work. Financially it would make the most sense for me to become a SAHM until he’s three and gets the 30 free hours - and this is what I’d ideally like to do from a personal POV as well. However, a lot of my friends put their children into nursery from age 1 or 2, in most cases so they could go back to work.

I was chatting to one friend yesterday who said it has been very beneficial for her boy to go to nursery early as it’s something he really enjoys and it has made him more confident socially.

So my question is - would I be actively disadvantaging my child by not putting him into nursery before the age of 3? Should we try to find some extra money so we can send him one or two days a week when he’s 1 or 2? Or will it be ok just to keep him home with me for the first three years of his life?

Any thoughts/advice welcome.

At 6 months no. I've got 3 children and feel sure that the second two would have gained from going to nursery as my eldest did. My middle child is hugely fussy with food and my youngest's speech was slow. Both problems I think nursery settings help with.

I don’t think it disadvantages at all OP but you need to do what’s right for you too. You may find as DC gets a bit older a morning or 2 in nursery is majorly beneficial for you to have some adult time, get the house sorted etc. My DC went to nursery 3 days a week from 8 months when I returned to work and it’s been fab for us as a family yet my sister has a DC the same age almost to the day and they haven’t used nursery at all until pre school with funded hours and they are both confident happy 4 year olds now. As a PP mentioned returning to work can have benefits for you and that’s something to consider equally some people are really happy to be SAHP-for me I felt returning to work was really important I love my job, enjoyed the adult time and interaction and appreciated my time with my DC all the more for being out at work. Also a career break isn’t really feasible in the job I do I would have to do a course to go back to it and likely go back down the pay scale and lose hard earned qualifications and my DP is self employed so we like the security of one ‘regular’ income. In the current post covid financial climate I may well be worth ‘keeping a foot in the door’ so to speak when it comes to work depending on what you and your other half do.

Ds didn't go to nursery until he was 3.then he went for the minimum 15 hours.

Hes now 5, one of the most popular in his class and his school report was glowing about his social skills in particular.

Saying your child will be disadvantaged because they don't go at 6 months is abject nonsense and says more about others projecting their guilt at going back to work than anything to do with their child's development.

Theres no right way to do this. Your child will be fine either way.

Learn to start ignoring people who spout bollocks.

@honkytonkheroe

At 6 months no. I've got 3 children and feel sure that the second two would have gained from going to nursery as my eldest did. My middle child is hugely fussy with food and my youngest's speech was slow. Both problems I think nursery settings help with.

I hoped that nursery would sort out my fussy eater. It didn't.

Personality not just parenting / education does come into play at some point. We seem to have slipped into this mentality that we can control or educate every element of our person when thats just not the case.

My 1 year old goes to nursery two days a week and has done (apart from lockdown) since she was 6 months old. Obviously when she started it was because she had to when we were working, but now she loves it. Two days is just enough for her and us - she does lots of exciting sensory things and is confident with other adults.

It's been really good for her development and she's noticeably more confident socially than a little friend of a similar age who stays at home. This might simply be personality though, and it's definitely been exacerbated by lockdown, i.e. no groups running for friend's baby.

Could you afford a couple of sessions when your baby is a bit older? As pp said, for your benefit as well as theirs.

I sent DS to preschool for 4 half day sessions (about 3 hours each) from 2 years old. He did get a lot out of it and has missed it since lockdown. It also gave me a break.

I'm a nursery using parent for work purpose, and I think nursery has primarily been for my benefit until the children are about 2 to 2 1/2. This is when they really start forming bonds with each other and making proper friendships.

I don't think it's done them any harm, and they're all really confident around people having been looked after by a lovely team at the nursery, and I think this has been good for them. I think the disadvantage is the amount of time they get individual attention for things like language development- they're sharing their adults all the time of course.

I absolutely don't think children need nursery - groups and other ways of informal socialising are just fine - but I am a bit shocked by people saying that it would be fine for a child to just socialise in the family until 3. My 2 year old definitely benefits from seeing other children in a group setting (which he happens to do at nursery). I think the 'other countries' where this is the norm probably have much bigger, connected and extended families than is the norm in the UK. If DS only socialised in the family then he would see one other child, ever, and a handful of adults.

@honkytonkheroe

At 6 months no. I've got 3 children and feel sure that the second two would have gained from going to nursery as my eldest did. My middle child is hugely fussy with food and my youngest's speech was slow. Both problems I think nursery settings help with.

Yes I think it’s impossible to know if nursery would have helped with these things. I suppose the food thing on the basis that peer pressure might make a difference? But for some children it wouldn’t.

On speech, I would have thought having one on one attention at home with your child being constantly listened and responded to (which can never happen in nursery) would be preferable. Toddlers don’t learn to speak from other toddlers.

He won't be disadvantaged by not going because he isn't in a nursery setting. However he might be in broader ways if money is tight, or you struggle to regain your earning potential - and the effect could be felt for alot longer.

If money was no object then I see no reason to send to a nursery. That said, don't underestimate how challenging you might find it to go from being someone with a career, independence, recognition etc to being a full time SAH parent.

It's a dilemma. No, you arent disadvantaging him until he is about two. If, by then, you haven't managed to fund some little friends for him, to go to regular groups, etc, then personally i would be thinking about nursery.

I've just started my DS at nursery age 19 months, he goes 2 mornings a week and it costs a FORTUNE haha. But I want to get him used to it so I can search for work properly when he is 2 y.o.

For 18 months at least you have nothing to worry about.

We had no intention of sending our twins until we got free hours at 3. Then both were diagnosed with ASD, got DLA and qualified for the free 2 year old hours and I was struggling to cope so sent them for respite more than anything else, didn’t honestly expect them to get much out of it. It definitely helped them so much. We have noticed a massive difference in them over lockdown where they don’t have the change of scenery / different people - now they’re back for two short mornings a week and they are doing so much better.

I think so much depends on your situation. We don’t have much family and none nearby. It’s really difficult for me to take them places by myself. So for us it has been massively important, but then I have friends who have twins and do all this but they’ve still benefitted from nursery.

If I had another child I would be planning to send them for a couple of sessions a week from about 18 months for their benefit.

On speech, I would have thought having one on one attention at home with your child being constantly listened and responded to (which can never happen in nursery) would be preferable. Toddlers don’t learn to speak from other toddlers.

My twins are non verbal but they make more attempts to communicate vocally at nursery than they do at home. Probably because the nursery staff can’t interpret their communication attempts as well as I can.

I feel you have to take the whole of your family environment into consideration. Are you doing developmentally appropriate activities, seeing other children, happy for DC to do messy play etc at home. If so, nursery doesn't add anything at a young age. At 6 months they definitely don't need to go. None of mine started until 2. I felt any sooner was too young, as I'm a SAHM and not using for childcare. Mine went for 2 mornings a week with lunch at home. It was to give me a brief break to focus on younger siblings and to expose my DC to lots of activities/forest school that we don't do at home. None of it is needed, but lovely for them to do.

Speech wise, I do think nursery helps. Both my boys have been slow with speech and nursery has brought them on. I think because at home I can understand the mumbles and know them well enough to guess what they want to eat etc, but at nursery they have to work harder to make themselves understood. You absolutely could still do it at home, but it was good for me to have the support of nursery too.

From 3 onwards I think it's useful to get them used to following instructions from teacher figures, being independent etc ready for school.

Mine went when he was 2. It appeared to have had a positive impact on his development but of course there is no way to know if it was just his age or whether ot was nursery that is responsible for this.
I'm glad we sent him though, we both work shifts so nursery helped us to get some sort of routine in place that we struggled with before.
You have to do what feels right for you and your family though. Parenting comes with opinions from all sides, its the old cant do right for doing wrong situation.

I will say that a massive advantage of nursery is they do activities we either can't or aren't willing to do at home like messy play.

@SinkGirl

On speech, I would have thought having one on one attention at home with your child being constantly listened and responded to (which can never happen in nursery) would be preferable. Toddlers don’t learn to speak from other toddlers.

My twins are non verbal but they make more attempts to communicate vocally at nursery than they do at home. Probably because the nursery staff can’t interpret their communication attempts as well as I can.

Yes, because they get less individual attention at nursery and the key workers don’t know them as well as you do (a disadvantage for most children). You could recreate that environment at home by not responding so readily, but nursery will never be able to change the set up there.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with nursery at all, but statistically it doesn’t benefit children before the age of 2-3.

That said, don't underestimate how challenging you might find it to go from being someone with a career, independence, recognition etc to being a full time SAH parent.

Realistically, though, if OP's salary won't cover nursery for one child is it a career or a job? Everyone on MN seems to assume that the choice is between being a high-flying career woman with a guaranteed progression if you stay at work that'll be very hard to recover if you leave work. But the majority of the population don't have that kind of career, they have jobs that don't offer obvious progression, that are quite low paid and that don't offer much satisfaction, recognition, etc. Stepping off the 'career ladder' isn't really a thing if you work as a shop assistant, doing basic admin, etc.

My son went from 11 months. He was totally fine and happy with it but I would say it was around the time he turned two that It became clear it was actually benefitting him rather than just neutral. He would have been climbing the walls without nursery by the age of three. Personally I think most kids need something more than immediate family before three but they’re all different. At six months they don’t NEED nursery. They might be fine with it, but they don’t need it. But I agree with PPs that you should think very hard before becoming a SAHM, in the current climate especially.

My LO goes to an experienced childminder and started going just before she was 10 months. Mainly because spaces become free before the school summer holidays but not after.

She was the youngest in the group for about 7 months on the normal days she went, so she got lots of attention including from the older children there.

In terms of movement being with older children has helped as she walks much further than we think she can walk. In terms of speech development, sociability and concentration I suspect it is nature as my nephews and nieces in completely different households had similar development.

Normally, I’d say no. You can socialise them at toddler groups, toddler classes such as local sensory or gym or swim or ballet or football classes, softplay, friends & family. They don’t need to go to nursery to gain social skills.

However, that’s all stopped at the moment & who knows when it’ll be back. Especially going into winter when we may be stopped from going into peoples houses again etc. So actually, I don’t think nursery is a bad idea at this current moment in time.

My daughter went to nursery at one and it’s been fantastic. She’s a confident child & has thrived on the attention & care provided. I’m not very good at crafts & all the creative bits which she gets in abundance at nursery! It’s also given her the confidence to be away from me & know she’ll be ok, have fun and I’ll always come back. I only have anecdotal evidence but a couple of my group of mum friends who haven’t sent their kids to nursery have extremely clingy 3 year olds who struggle when mum even goes out the room! One has just started her boy at pre-school & he’s been hysterical..

6 months is young for nursery & if you can afford to stay on maternity for a year, I totally would. But maybe see what the world is like in another 6 months. If you can get out to toddler groups etc by then, then fab! But if we are still battling through a pandemic with limited social contact, it might be worth considering just to give your little one some social contact!

@Hardbackwriter

That said, don't underestimate how challenging you might find it to go from being someone with a career, independence, recognition etc to being a full time SAH parent.

Realistically, though, if OP's salary won't cover nursery for one child is it a career or a job? Everyone on MN seems to assume that the choice is between being a high-flying career woman with a guaranteed progression if you stay at work that'll be very hard to recover if you leave work. But the majority of the population don't have that kind of career, they have jobs that don't offer obvious progression, that are quite low paid and that don't offer much satisfaction, recognition, etc. Stepping off the 'career ladder' isn't really a thing if you work as a shop assistant, doing basic admin, etc.

Perhaps, but it's easy to conflate it not covering the cost with the perception that it's not worth it because so little is left. And if the OP does have the type of job you suggest it might be even more important not to let go of it given the impending recession - getting a lower skilled job back might be very difficult.

It’s entirely up to you but I don’t believe babies benefit from institutional care and are better off with their mother until they are developmentally ready to be sociable.

Imo when they are 2 max they need to do "something" do they still have drop and go playgroups near you? My DS is partially deaf so he has benefited massively from learning how to interact with others/getting support and different stimuli etc from nursery but this could also have been achieved from a really good playgroup.

I'm going back to work when DD is 1, I'm not sure if she will like nursery so giving it a go and seeing how She finds it.

6 months not needed but 18 mo+ they benefit from some kind of groups, nursery or playgroup/classes

On speech, I would have thought having one on one attention at home with your child being constantly listened and responded to (which can never happen in nursery) would be preferable. Toddlers don’t learn to speak from other toddlers.

People often think that the widespread use of childcare is the historically and culturally unusual thing about our current culture. But it isn't - the really 'outlier' thing is how much individual attention children get. In most times in history, and in most places now, if the mother of a three year old described looking after that child as her primary occupation it would be considered both odd and incredibly indulgent. In the 1970s women with a child aged 0-4 said they spent 80 minutes a day 'on childcare' (it's now an average of three hours, despite the huge increase in the number of women who work outside the home). Those women saw themselves as homemakers who kept an eye on a child, not primarily as the nurturers of toddlers.

There have been big gains from the rise of active parenting - clearly the most significant is the huge drop in serious accidents in toddlers and children now that they're supervised much more closely - but it's too soon to say that it's 'the best' way to parent or raise children and there's some evidence (rising rates of mental illness in very young children) to suggest it isn't. There's at least a case to be made that time not being instantly responded to and not being the sole focus of adult attention is actually a major advantage of group childcare settings.

@Hardbackwriter

That said, don't underestimate how challenging you might find it to go from being someone with a career, independence, recognition etc to being a full time SAH parent.

Realistically, though, if OP's salary won't cover nursery for one child is it a career or a job? Everyone on MN seems to assume that the choice is between being a high-flying career woman with a guaranteed progression if you stay at work that'll be very hard to recover if you leave work. But the majority of the population don't have that kind of career, they have jobs that don't offer obvious progression, that are quite low paid and that don't offer much satisfaction, recognition, etc. Stepping off the 'career ladder' isn't really a thing if you work as a shop assistant, doing basic admin, etc.

This, it's always presented as SAHM vs high flying career woman on here with nothing in between