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Original poster

Am I disadvantaging my baby by not sending him to nursery?

99 replies

nurserydilemma3 · 22/08/2020 07:14

My baby boy is six months old and I’m starting to think about going back to work. Financially it would make the most sense for me to become a SAHM until he’s three and gets the 30 free hours - and this is what I’d ideally like to do from a personal POV as well. However, a lot of my friends put their children into nursery from age 1 or 2, in most cases so they could go back to work.

I was chatting to one friend yesterday who said it has been very beneficial for her boy to go to nursery early as it’s something he really enjoys and it has made him more confident socially.

So my question is - would I be actively disadvantaging my child by not putting him into nursery before the age of 3? Should we try to find some extra money so we can send him one or two days a week when he’s 1 or 2? Or will it be ok just to keep him home with me for the first three years of his life?

Any thoughts/advice welcome.

OP posts:

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starpatch · 22/08/2020 07:31

From about 2 groups may be beneficial I would think, but socializing with friends and family with children is just as beneficial if not more so.

TitsOutForHarambe · 22/08/2020 07:32

I don't think it matters before the age of 3. Putting then in nursery certainly isn't going to do them any harm, but neither is them staying home with you. Just do what works best for your family.

BendingSpoons · 22/08/2020 07:32

No you definitely won't be disadvantaging him. I don't have the sources for this, but studies on children going to nursery before 3 found they had a small increase in some positive skills (language etc) and a small increase in some negative skills (aggression etc) but it largely balanced out. Children make massive leaps in development that often gets attributed to nursery, but would still have happened at home. Under 3 I believe you should send a child to nursery if you want/need to e.g. to return to work, need a break. If you are solely thinking about what is best for them, then they will do just as well at home with you (assuming you play/talk to them etc).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Childcare & nursery

KitKatastrophe · 22/08/2020 07:33

@nurserydilemma3

Just do what you feel is right for you. Babies have no need to socialise outside the family until they are around three.

Interesting, is that really the case? I thought it was important to start getting them used to meeting other people from an earlier age than that - around 1.5 or 2.

It's good to get used to meeting others, but they don't need to do this alone in a nursery setting. You can take him out and meet people at toddler groups etc.

ILoveStickers · 22/08/2020 07:33

My one year old will probably not be going to nursery - her dad has been made redundant and will be a SAHD for a year or so.

I had the same worries as you, because all my friends were raving about how great their nurseries are. I did some research, which suggests that nursery is neutral age 1-2.5ish, but starts being beneficial around 2.5-3. That's part of why the free hours come it at 3 - it's for the child's education, not childcare.

Obviously everything depends on the child, and it varies hugely, etc. But it seems like they can take or leave nursery until they're at least 2.

rottiemum88 · 22/08/2020 07:34

It's hard. No, I don't believe you're disadvantaging him by not sending him to nursery, providing he's given other opportunities as he grows to interact with other children of the same age. It's not so important now, but from around 18 months or so he'll start to develop an awareness of and want to interact with other children, which you should encourage for the development of his social skills.

Personally I put DS in nursery full time at 8 months because financially our situation didn't work unless I went back to work full time. I'm fully aware the first few months of DS's time in nursery were for my benefit, not his. But he's been fine there from day one and the transformation since he went back in June post-lockdown when he'd just turned 16 months was remarkable. He actually started to look forward to going, grabbing his bag from the hook and running in the door to nursery on a morning. We've also started to get pictures of him interacting with the other toddlers, which is really nice to see.

HairyToity · 22/08/2020 07:36

I don't think they have to go to nursery at all. DD's best friend is very sociable and her mum is a SAHM.

I returned to work part-time once my children were 1, even though it didn't pay that well with nursery fees. It was only for a short time in scheme of things, and I used to have 20% off nursery fees due to childcare vouchers. Personally if its a job you don't hate, I'd ask if you can return 2 days a week.

I'd also consider childminders. My DD had a lovely one, unfortunately by the time DS came along she'd finished. DS went to nursery. They were both happy in their childcare settings, but DD settled in quicker. Also the childminder was cheaper.

Enterthedragons · 22/08/2020 07:36

All my DCs have started preschool at 2/2.5 ish years and that seemed perfect to me. Any earlier felt a bit soon and any later they were a bit bored at home without that extra stimulation/socialisation that it gives. I was ready for a break by that age too.

Globalpandemicmum · 22/08/2020 07:38

I have a 2.5 year old and we made some mum friends at a baby class when dd was 4 months old. Dd is the oldest but there is only 3 months between all 4 babies.

When we all went back to work only one baby went to nursery, the rest were looked after by family. I would honestly say, the one who went to nursery knows his colours and numbers better than the rest but I wouldn’t say he is more socially confident. In fact he plays by himself a lot of the time where as the other 3 will take it in turns to play together but seems to be only two at a time at this age.

My dd has spent a lot of her time with her older cousins and as a result of this her speech is really advanced for her age. I would like her to start going to nursery as I think she is getting bored too often but I put a stop to this for now with everything going on.

Original poster

nurserydilemma3 · 22/08/2020 07:41

Thanks. I was very anxious in social situations as a child and it really held me back, so I’m trying to ensure my DS doesn’t go down the same path.

OP posts:

macaroniinapot · 22/08/2020 07:43

I wonder if people saying they don't need to socialise before 3 have older children now and are looking back? Because I don't agree with that at all.

Newborn groups are for the mums. But from around 1 I've found groups have been great for making my child more confident. What I mean by that is not hiding behind me etc and being happy to engage with others.

A bit of nursery has been great my for child, in addition to making her more confident through watching older children (I don't have any others, it's just her at home) I have got ideas about good activities for her development from there. It's been really lovely and I have zero concerns or regrets about it.

But you can achieve the same thing through activities at home / groups / play dates with other kids / siblings or cousins if there are any

Covert19 · 22/08/2020 07:44

In what way do you mean “disadvantaged”. At what age do you think this disadvantage will become apparent?

The goal of parenting is to produce adults who are equipped to live independently in the world. I’m sure, nursery or not, you will succeed.

Parker231 · 22/08/2020 07:45

Every child and every family is different. Mine went to nursery full time from six months as I wanted to go back to work. I’d have hated being a SAHM and baby groups are my worst nightmare so for us as a family, nursery was good

takenbywine · 22/08/2020 07:45

I was going to send dc when he was 15 months but read a lot about this and have now decided to send him when he is 2.5, as he Will then be able to make more use of the social setting in a nursery.

Original poster

nurserydilemma3 · 22/08/2020 07:46

In what way do you mean “disadvantaged”.

I mean missing out both socially and developmentally.

OP posts:

latticechaos · 22/08/2020 07:47

@nurserydilemma3

Thanks. I was very anxious in social situations as a child and it really held me back, so I’m trying to ensure my DS doesn’t go down the same path.

Nursery or home won't affect this, or rather you can NOT predict which would suit better.

Do what you choose and if your child is fine they are fine. If they are not fine, change.

Try not to project your issues onto your child, they may be naturally outgoing or naturally quiet, but as long as they are happy either is fine.

DancingCatGif · 22/08/2020 07:49

"Interesting, is that really the case? I thought it was important to start getting them used to meeting other people from an earlier age than that - around 1.5 or 2."

All the research points to it being unnecessary before 3. In many countries it is the norm.

Not saying it will do them harm, I'm sure many of them enjoy it, but definitely just do what's right for you.

Covert19 · 22/08/2020 07:50

@nurserydilemma3

Thanks. I was very anxious in social situations as a child and it really held me back, so I’m trying to ensure my DS doesn’t go down the same path.

But how do you know nursery would have cured your shyness? Maybe you just were that way and nursery would have been stressful for you as a result. Nobody can say.

I was also a shy child but I overcame it. I bet you have too. So will your child if they are that way inclined. Seriously, how many 25 year olds do you know who hide behind their Mummy at parties?

All (good) parents worry about their child having an optimum experience but really, barring keeping them in the cupboard under the stairs for ten years, there is no way of knowing whether one choice or another is “the best”. Do what works for you and your family at the time. Love your child, give them food and water, fresh air and fun and they’ll turn out fine.

DancingCatGif · 22/08/2020 07:53

"I was also a shy child but I overcame it. I bet you have too. So will your child if they are that way inclined. Seriously, how many 25 year olds do you know who hide behind their Mummy at parties?"

Many people are still shy as adults, and that's ok. They might not literally hide behind their mums but they do it metaphorically.

Unless they are unhappy with the situation, it's not something to get over.

Bringonspring · 22/08/2020 07:54

OP you are going to have to get behind your choices. You will be constantly judged and you can’t spend your life making comparisons to others.

BendingSpoons · 22/08/2020 07:54

I have already posted but am just adding my personal situation here. DD started nursery at 3.5 and thrived. Before that we would go places where she met children, park, swimming lessons, play dates etc. From 2.5ish she would class children we saw semi regularly as her friends and talk about them. I am happy with our choice and would do the same again. We didn't need to use nursery for work though, and would have done so if necessary. DS is 18m and currently shows passing interest in children his age. He prefers older children (DD now 4) who engaged with him in a more adult way. We are going to start doing more with him once DD starts school, but more along the lines of park trips, occasional play dates, swimming/soft play once we feel it's safer.

orangejuicer · 22/08/2020 07:56

My DS will be at home until school. I'm working and my DP is primary carer. They have a fantastic relationship and I'm really happy about it. We have taken DS to the odd group or soft play but that was pre lockdown. We could do with them re opening but it can't be helped. He's fed and happy.

Jent13c · 22/08/2020 07:56

I think you know your own child and what will work for them. My eldest DS3 went to nursery at 9 months out of necessity and he was the clingiest child until he went, perhaps he just was growing out of it but I feel like he has completely thrived from it and I really do believe it was good for speech development. I took him to about 2 groups a week from about 6 weeks old until toddler age but he spent the full time breastfeeding/refusing to be out of my arms so didn't get much from them!

Circumstances are different this time and younger DS wont be going to nursery. Hes so different and a happy little potato and will happily sit on the floor and play with toys or go to anyone so I'm not needing a break quite so much! I do wonder if his speech will be slower but with my chatty elder son and all the cousins about now he would have plenty more interaction that my eldest would have.

HarrietM87 · 22/08/2020 08:09

I read loads about this when making the decision about my son’s childcare (2 now). As a pp said, nursery is neutral from about age 1 to 2.5/3, and after that the child starts to benefit from the social side. Before then they can get everything they need from you. They are not developmentally capable of playing “with” (as opposed to alongside) other children before that age. (This is assuming good parenting and a good nursery obviously).

Just anecdotally, all of our NCT group went to nursery whereas my son had a nanny. In terms of their confidence, social skills etc they are all exactly the same as they were pre nursery - ie the shy one year olds are still shy 2.5 year olds, the confident ones are still confident. It’s down to personality not childcare. In terms of ability/development there’s no real difference.

BigRedBoat · 22/08/2020 08:14

Does it not also depend on your job? Will you be able to walk into another job when your child is 3? You only get 30 hours funding if you work so you wouldn't be able to claim your 30 hours then get a job to fit around this, you'd have to find a job first a pay for some childcare before you could get your 30 hours, is this affordable?

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