Did anyone else feel sad in their first year of being a new mum?

[newmum2999]

NC for this.

I feel so bad about writing this but I just feel exhausted all the time.

I love my son and he's an absolute delight, smiles, claps and happy all the time. He's just lovely and coming on so well. Nearly 11 months!

However, I just feel permanently exhausted. I'm so tired and just have no get up and go anymore. He just started teething again and is keeping me up all night and I just feel like I can't do it.

I'm trying to stay positive and happy. But I barely even have time for a shower as he's now dropped his morning nap.

I'm so fed up

Did anyone else feel like this? I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

Yes, I cried almost every day for the first year. Looking back, if I could change anything, I would give myself more time off. I would pay a babysitter every week to come during the day, or even a cleaner as well, and just go out. Also, might be worth checking your iron levels.

About feeling guilty, I think don't worry. The kids are fine.

Yes! It was a huge shock.

In my case DH wasn’t doing his fair share at night / early mornings, and I wasn’t paying sufficient regard to my health/wellbeing. (Nor was he).

I don't think I felt sad, but I was completely exhausted constantly. I really wanted to go out and do things all day, which i did, which in turn made me even more exhausted! Looking back I should have 100% napped every time he napped and caught up on all of the lost sleep. Gone to sleep earlier etc. He's 18 months now, still wakes every 2 hours and I'm more exhausted than I was in the first year but my love for him is so strong which outweighs any sadness I feel. Knowing it will pass and that it goes quick is reassuring for me

Wow, thank you for this.

@Ghoste My husband has him till 9am every morning and is so good at helping out but I just feel like it's never enough.

He's starting wrestling me when it's nappy changing time and I just feel like I could lose my shit with him. I feel so bad for saying that but he tries to throw himself off the changing table constantly and I've just had enough.

I feel absolutely exasperated by it all. Sometimes I wonder why I even had him and it makes me feel absolutely horrendous as I love him more than life itself. I just don't think I'm cut out to be a mum.

I feel exactly the same OP! My DD is 14 months now and being a mom isnt how I envisioned it would be, it's been mentally exhausting and I've felt guilty at how much I've not enjoyed it sometimes no matter how much I adore my DD. It can be relentless at times, especially when they're teething, but just know that you're doing great and your baby is happy

I find giving my daughter a toy or book to hold whilst I'm changing her stops the wriggling, worth a try if you haven't

Thank you @Lsquiggles. That makes me feel so much better.

Everyone thinks I've got my shit together and I'm such a great mum. But inside I'm falling apart 😢

I'm sat feeding him now and he's so beautiful. My love for him is overwhelming but I just want some time away or some space.

I just feel like everything is becoming too much. My husband and I are arguing all the time and I just didn't expect this to be my life. 😢

I hear you OP, DD is 13 months now and I’ve had many a hard day in the past year.

My advice is to make life easy for yourself, get a cleaner if you can afford it, have a day out with just DH if you can and regarding nappy changes - pretty much all of ours are done standing up now with nappy pants which are a game changer for us!

What do you mean your H ‘has him til 9am’? Is your DH sharing the night parenting with you? If not, then he should be!

Not enjoying sleep deprivation and hard work of parenting a baby doesn’t mean you’re not cut out to be a mum.

I felt like this. Still do sometimes now and my boy is almost three. I think it gets better as they get older

I think every mum goes through some version of this OP parenting is the hardest job in the planet but also the most rewarding. Don’t feel guilty it’s ok to feel knackered and to want a break. Are you returning/have you returned to work after mat leave? That was a game changer for me I went back when DC1 was 9 months and for 3 days a week I was a functioning adult again and it really gave me some ‘go’ back and I appreciated my time off more. I realise working isn’t an option for everyone but for me it helped and DC loved and still does love nursery. If it’s not work can you agree with DH/DP a section of time in the week for you? Maybe an afternoon at the weekend or a day per week in nursery/with a family member when you can have a few hours for yourself to nap/meet a friend for coffee/get out for a walk/gym whatever your thing is? Also anything to make life easier if you can like a previous poster suggests a cleaner even once a month or fortnight (I would marry my cleaner ) nappy pants and CBeebies for nappy changes etc. I think as mums we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and enjoy every minute when in reality it’s really hard to find another 2am wake up and nappy’s where the poo has escaped up their back all unicorn magic and sparkles it can quite literally be 💩 at times! You are clearly a fab mum as you have taken the time to create this thread and worry about it and as you have said yourself you have a wonderful child who is developing well!

Agree with the PP who said that going back to work can be a very good thing. Depending on your job, work can even feel like a break from mothering if it means you get to sit at a desk with an uninterrupted brew. Part-time can offer the best of both worlds if you have high quality childcare. When I went back to work, it was just such a relief to hand the DC over to someone else for just a short time.

Going back to work after mat leave was v v hard for me, after both DC. In retrospect think this was due to sleep deprivation and discrimination after going PT. But wouldn’t have wanted to SAH due to the massive personal financial / employment risk.

I struggled for the first ten months then turned a corner and everything became easier. I have a friend who struggled for longer, you are not alone. I hope things get easier soon

If you can put your changing mat on the floor he can’t throw himself off the changing table. Plus give him a distracting toy to hold. It’s really tough but you’re doing so well OP

I felt like this. Things got a lot better for me when she started sleeping through the night (which WILL happen!!) and when I went back to work. Having some time to myself again was crucial for my mental health.

Can you find a local crèche that you could leave him in a couple of times a week so you can have a break? Or a babysitter if crèches aren't open.

My baby is also 11 months and I feel the exact same.

It gets so much better soon but buy in as much help as you can and lie down on the sofa as much as possible in the meantime x

DS is 12 months and I'd say the last two months have been the most challenging and demanding. Rewarding too obviously but I'm exhausted from being in high alert all the time as DS cruises round the place and causes havoc. His naps used to be my 'me time' but they are getting much less frequent now. DS starts nursery part time in a couple of weeks although I'm not back to work until the new year and I really can't wait for a few hours a week totally to myself. I think it will make all the difference in the world.

Yes, I definitely felt like this. I still do, with an 18 month old. Parenting a small child is hard work, physically and mentally.

Do you get breaks? I mean like a few hours at a time, when your husband takes over and you can do your own thing? If not start that straight away - go out for the day and enjoy that someone else is doing the nappy changes. It's much easier to cope and be patient when you've missed them.

Definitely get a cleaner if you can, and go back to work. If not, consider a morning or two at nursery. You are not alone, I think most people feel like this at least some of the time.

I found having time apart (work, nursery) made me enjoy being with my baby again in the evenings and I didn't even mind feeding in the night so much! Also, babies change so quickly if you can just hold on with the nappy wriggling, they'll grow out of it soon. Hope things look up for you soon. It is super hard trying to meet your needs and baby's xxx

You are far from being the only person who feels like this. I've also got my own 11 month old, and she is the most delightful little monster I occasionally want to chuck out the window.

As others have said, parenting is hard. And that's in regular times. We're parenting in a sodding pandemic. We've virtually had all support stripped away from us for the past few months. Being unable to visit or be visited by family, no baby groups, no classes, community services becoming non-existant. Before I had my baby, I never understood "it takes a village to raise a child". I bloody well do now.

You are doing wonderfully. You might not feel like it, but you are. You obviously love your son, and he adores you in return.

Advice time:

Ditch the changing table. Put the mat on the floor and change him there, it'll be so much safer and less stressful for you both. If DS gets too overwrought and wriggly, let him loose, and have a little crawl around. I've found sacrificing speed for less stress much more worth it. There's been a couple of stray wees, but nothing worse than that.

When you say DH has DS until 9am, is that to allow you to have a lie in? Does he help in the night? Does he take DS for any other time in the day? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm getting the impression that other than that period in the morning, you're not getting any time to yourself. That needs to change right now. After DD goes to bed, if she wakes within the first couple of hours, it's DH's job to resettle her. Those couple of hours are protected me time to do with as I wish.

Are you returning to work? While I haven't yet, I'm in full agreement with PPs that that time away is invaluable to helping you feel like yourself again. If not, then is there any chance of getting DS into some childcare? Even one morning a week will make huge difference.

If you haven't already, lower your standards. A bit of CBeebies every day won't hurt either of you. Independent play is a useful skill for any child to have, and should be encouraged. A bit of dirt is good for boosting immature immune systems. DH takes out DD for a couple of hours every Sunday so that I can blitz the house. The rest of the week, I have neither the time nor the inclination for anything other than keeping on top of the essentials, and DH helps with that.

It will get better, I promise.

@Dozer yes, he shares the night parenting but my son used to sleep through the night. He is teething and waking up and my husband is the first to get him!

He brings him to me, I feed him and he puts him down. He gets up at 7-9am with him and doesn't start work till 9am so he can help. DH is VERY supportive.

It's me that's the problem. It's never enough. I'm just exhausted with it.