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Original poster

Would you leave 3-year-old with Dad and grandparents for 10 days, if you'd come back a better mum?

58 replies

ChipsAreDown · 03/10/2007 18:51

My demons are catching me out every day in my parenting, and I need to put them to rest; it's miserable, for me and ds.

Counselling hasn't cracked it, and I've heard some great things about The Hoffman Process. I've seen friends really benefit from it. But it takes 8-10 days, with no contact with anyone 'outside'! Ds (3) would be taken care of by Dad and grandparents - the very best alternative - but given that he sometimes finds separations from Mum really tough, will the benefits of potentially Much Happier Mummy outweigh the risk of leaving him for 10 days?

I've thought of making little Mummy videos, recording stories for him, etc, to keep the idea of Mum 'alive'. Would you leave little one, if the odds were you'd come back a more chilled out, playful, loving mummy?

Thanks.

OP posts:

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TheWiltedRose · 03/10/2007 23:23

yep i just looked at the hoffman website and its a somplified version of the christopher howard stuff hes the best in the buisness so to speak.

I cried loads when i went but i managed to cut a lot of emmotional ties that i didnt realise were holding me back!

sKerryMum · 03/10/2007 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWiltedRose · 03/10/2007 23:27

yeah it does sound suss to me i found that the weekend i went on did me the world of good and there were 5000 people there! lol

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TheWiltedRose · 03/10/2007 23:30

Chipsaredown i suggest you take a look at my link to the thread.
You might feel a lot more at easy with only 3 days away

Blu · 03/10/2007 23:33

If you Google you get the website, which immediately looks culty because of the logo..but read the Oliver James critique. I don't partularly like OJ, but wouldn't imagine he would refer clients to a cult! (he says he does refer people to the Hoffman process)

Poledra · 03/10/2007 23:36

I travel for work, usually only overnight. However, I'm going away all of next week, and dh is taking the children (3.5 yrs and 18 months) to gps for the week. They will have a ball, even though they'll probably cry when they leave me. In fact, I'll probably miss them more than they'll miss me . So, go for it - itll be good for you and he'll have the opportunity to spend extra time with his father and gps - can't be bad!

havalina · 03/10/2007 23:45

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but I would say yes, a happier chilled out Mummy forever is so worth ten days.

I had to leave my 3yr old and 3 month old earlier this year for 2 weeks, it wasn't pleasant but necessary (my Mum was dying) it had an effect on my 3yo, she was clingy for weeks after, but this was overcome with a lot of time together and reassurance. I don't think it will have a long term effect on the children but if it will have a long term effect on you it's worth it.

Elibean · 04/10/2007 12:06

Very tough choice, Chips, hats off to you for making it whatever you choose (IYSWIM).

I think, if you do lots of preparing with ds, and are ready to do lots of reparation after (he will need space and time to have his feelings about the break), its probably worth it. DH did the Hoffman years ago, pre-kids, and it was a liberating experience for him, and others in his group.

Would it be worth talking this over with one of the Hoffman staff, if you're anxious about it?? Just an idea, but they must have lots of experience, so maybe they can reassure/assist in some way.

Good luck, I wish you well with whatever you decide

Hulababy · 04/10/2007 12:08

I couldn't but then I am not you.

Sounds like you do need this time out and away to get things sorted and better for you. And if you come back happier, then that will be better for DS too. In your situation, then yes - I may well do it.

Elibean · 04/10/2007 12:09

Not had time to read whole thread - and this is going back a decade anyway - but DH found the HP had some 'culty' feeling aspects to it but basically wasn't one. He's a psychotherapist himself, pretty grounded (if not cynical ) by nature, and he was ok with it. Basically, if they can tolerate challenging/questioning/criticism they're probably not a cult...

kindersurprise · 04/10/2007 13:18

I think that a 3yo is old enough to cope without Mum for 10 days. Especially if she comes back feeling much happier.

We left our 5yo and 3yo with GP last week to go on holiday to Rome for 5 days. I think I missed them more than they missed me (DH was laughing at me being so clucky). They had a ball with their GP, we had a lovely holiday and the reunion was fab.

LoveAngel · 04/10/2007 13:29

I left my son with my mum for 5 days when he was 4 months old. I was suffering from PND and needed a complete rest and some fun. Since then I have left him several times for up to a week with his dad / my mum / my sister for holidays / breaks etc (he is now 2 and a half). I adore my little boy and we are very close, but it is NOT crime to have some time to yourself. My PND is completely gone, but I am certain it would never have gotten better (or I wouldn't have started to enjoy motherhood) if I hadn't of had these breaks. I hope to ciontinue to be able to enjoy the odd wekend or even week away from my son as he grows up. Happy mum = happy kids. Don't for a minute beat yourself about this.

WaynettaVonBlood · 04/10/2007 13:31

Let's put it this way, if your DH had to go away (on business / golf trip) for 10 days, would he be worried? No, of course not.
Go go go. Your DS will be looked after, and you need to look after yourself.

Anchovy · 04/10/2007 13:39

I think it boils down to 2 things - how much your child's routine is affected, and the condifent approach you take to it.

Last year I had to go to Japan at very short notice for work. It was a bugger - I was gone for a week, back for a week, then off for 10 days, back for 2, then off for another week. My DCs were 2.8 and 4.8.

They were absolutely fine. I did speak to DS's teacher (coincidentally, there was a parent's evening after my first week away, and I told her it was likely that I would be away quite a bit over the next 3 weeks). She said in her view DS was a happy, secure, cheerful and confident child and she really couldn't see that this was going to have any significant impact on him (which proved right)

We have a nanny and my DH has always been very hands on with them, so in fact their day to day routine was not very much affected (other than me not being there, IYSWIM). I was very positive about it with them, kept reiterating that I would be coming back etc etc. I was also very effusively grateful to the people who picked up the slack - remember its hard for them as well.

My DD (the younger child) was a bit clingy when I got back, having been absolutely fine while I was away - but that was fine because I could work with that - much better that she needed reassurance when I got back than being doleful when I was away.

Good luck!

VeronicaMars · 04/10/2007 13:41

Chipsaredown I would be so stressed out at the thoughts of leaving. Every fear would be in my head BUT if it means getting better and getting back to yourself then you have to do it.
Look at it this way, what if there wasn't someone to look after her that you could trust? But there is so do it for you and her.

Original poster

ChipsAreDown · 04/10/2007 22:28

Thank you all for more thoughts on this.

Having come into contact with/read of therapies which pretty much are cults, I would agree with Elibean in that Hoffman may seem culty in parts, but essentially it isn't. It's a celebrated therapy process recommended by psychotherapists around the world. Whatever one thinks of them, Oliver James and Patrick Holford (nutritionist), among others, recommend it. Apparently it's akin to a year's weekly psychotherapy (not available near me), and is a kind of psychological detox - sounds just what I need! I feel assured it isn't a cult, even if it's a little weird.

Will look at this Christopher Howard thing, which I've never heard of before - though must confess I'm not after wealth or success; just peace of mind, calm and self-esteem ... and no guilt!

As one of you suggested, I have contacted Hoffman about leaving ds, and they say that it's very much my personal choice; they don't have an opinion on this.

Argh! It's such a big decision, but I'm encouraged by how many of you have said to go fot it.

Thanks.

OP posts:

FrannyandZombie · 04/10/2007 22:35

It's your decision, and I applaud you for wanting to sort out your problems in this way, but I wouldn't do 10 days separation atm, with a child this age, especially when you say he is scared of separation anyway. Children are affected by long separation (yes 10 days is a long time for a 3 year old). I would think it over very carefully.

barnstaple · 04/10/2007 22:44

Yes. Infinitely regret not getting away for decent length of time when mine was about that age...
Go for it.

Original poster

ChipsAreDown · 04/10/2007 23:21

FrannyandZombie, this is what bothers me, I think. I "get" attachment theory, and I parent towards the attachment end of the spectrum. This means that on the one hand, ds is very attached to me and a separation would, potentially, be difficult for him (and me!). On the other, because we're close and spend most of every day together, it means all my "issues" are having a concentrated effect on him - short fuse, resentment, crap at playing (atm, anyway), anxiety. Hence wanting to address them, albeit in a radical way.

I understand why the Hoffman process is as it is - eight days of intensive work, with no distractions (including phone calls). It seems to have a really positive effect on most participants. I just don't want the cost of this to be ds feeling insecure ... or is it better that he does, and I attempt to mend it, and am ultimately in a better place?

Oh dear, going round in circles a bit here . Thanks, though.

OP posts:

FrannyandZombie · 05/10/2007 09:20

I think a lot of posts on here are dismissing the effects of separation on your ds. I am sure it is possible that the benefits for both of you could outweigh the distress for your ds, but I think the benefits would have to be utterly profound for them to do this. A 3 year old boy's attachment to his mother, especially a 3 year old who has fears about separation, is not to be treated lightly IMO.

I think, whatever problems you are having, you are his mother and you ARE doing the job of mothering him. You are there for him and he relies on you. To remove that trust and security, unless there was danger of real and immediate harm to him would be a mistake, I believe.

If it was a weekend, or 3 days, or even 4, I would feel differently. But 10 days? I think it's too long. It really IS a long time.

PetitFilou1 · 05/10/2007 13:55

If you are clinically depressed, have tried everything, including medication then yes. It is probably worth it. You have to bear in mind though that no process/counselling technique or otherwise is ever a panacea for everything. Most of the work, if not all of it, will have to come from you no matter who is teaching/advising/counselling you.

Luella · 05/10/2007 14:12

Chipsaredown, I think that while it's great to get other people's opinions and perspectives on this, this is a decision that only you can make.

You have to go with your instinct on this one and don't be swayed. If you want to do the course then you should, you don't need anyone's permission to do this, and don't feel guilty. I know that's easy to say, but you aren't doing this just for yourself but for your whole family; you are doing it with the very best intentions.

I don't know anything about the Hoffman Process so can't comment on whether it's worth it or not, I only think you need to have the confidence to go with your gut reaction. And I do think the fact that your little boy will be with loving grandparents and his daddy is very different to staying with people who aren't related. HTH.

Anna8888 · 05/10/2007 14:13

Yes. Do it. He'll be fine.

bubblagirl · 05/10/2007 14:17

i would do whatever it takes to be that and if it means leaving for short while its better than not having a happy mummy

you do what you feel is best if you think it will make you better then go your ds and yourself will surely benifit from it and your only going to help your self so do it dont feel guilty and he wont forget you in that amount of time

hope you feel better soon xx

Vinegar · 05/10/2007 14:23

I really think your ds will be fine. I was(and still am) extremely close to my dd. Dh worked away from home and with no family closeby she was very attached to me. Dh took her on holiday for a week(when she was 3) to visit his parents. I couldn't go due to work obligations. I was so stressed on how it would affect dd. She did miss me ofcourse, but it was a million times better than I thought. Dh and her really bonded and there were no nasty side-effects. She was thrilled to see me after the week, however she was completely fine with her dad and grandparents(who she doesn't see much of). I really think the break will do you both good. It certainly did me the world of good. Dh took her this year and again it was fine.
Believe me thinking about it is alot worse than the reality.

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