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Parenting

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Original poster

How to get my child back

29 replies

AngelForAll · 15/08/2020 20:44

Hello everyone. My first time on here so I hope i'm doing this right, here goes...

2 years ago now, I was suffering bad with my mental health. My oldest son who was 6 at the time, went to live with his father (all court arranged by mutual agreement) with me having him weekends.
My youngest (4 at the time) went to live with my mother and step father (again, court ordered and by mutual agreement) as his legal guardians and regular contact with myself.

My partner and I have our own house and my mental health has gotten a whole lot better to the point where I would be very confident to look after my children full time. I made a huge mistake giving them up, they want to live with us and we have no idea where we stand.

My mother and step father are legal guardians and have said they would not allow me to have him back so it would mean a big fight. Their house is a disgusting mess, my son is left up in his messy room on the xbox all day (for 10 hours straight alone just today). He has been wearing the same pyjamas since I dropped him back there a whole week ago and in this whole week, he has not even had a bath. He's not spoken to all day (unless my partner plays online xbox things with him). At 6 years old, they still cut up his food (he struggles using cutlery here), he doesn't know how to ride a bike, his speech is awful, presumably because no one speaks to him all day. His food is from a tin (tinned meatballs for lunch every day) and dinner is usually chicken nuggets and chips.

I dont know if any of this is neglect or if I have any rights in court to get him back with me?
If anyone could offer any insight I would be eternally grateful. I trusted these people with my son and now I can't sleep at night thinking he's not being looked after properly and I have no idea with way to go.

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:

chipsandpeas · 15/08/2020 20:48

if hes been neglected like you say id be on the phone to social services to start the ball rolling to get him back

slipperywhensparticus · 15/08/2020 20:57

Go back to court circumstances have changed

Is it temporary on the court order? It should have been reviewed often

BertieBotts · 15/08/2020 20:59

You need legal advice. But I would say that it's likely if you go back to court you would have a chance at changing the status quo.

I would not go through social services - I think it will look petty (even if you are right). I would focus as the PP says on the fact your own circumstances have changed.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

CodenameVillanelle · 15/08/2020 21:04

@chipsandpeas

if hes been neglected like you say id be on the phone to social services to start the ball rolling to get him back

It's not social services who she needs to speak to here. It sounds crap where he is but not to the threshold that social services would intervene and even if they did they can't overrule a court order.

OP you need legal advice. I'm afraid you aren't in a strong position as the threshold to remove children from their legal guardians is very high even if it's to return them to birth parents.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/08/2020 21:05

@slipperywhensparticus

Go back to court circumstances have changed

Is it temporary on the court order? It should have been reviewed often

Court orders aren't made to be temporary and reviewed often. That would not be in children's best interests.

Sunrise234 · 15/08/2020 21:45

I dont know if any of this is neglect or if I have any rights in court to get him back with me?

Firstly you need to think very carefully if you believe he is being neglected or if you are looking for reasons as you want him back.
If SS get involved and you are deemed unfit to have him full time he may be put into foster care.

You also need to be careful when saying to the people who have helped raise him for you that you now want him back because you don't think they are looking after him - you were fine to leave him there when it suited you.

If I was them I would be worried about the fact you went from not being able to look after either of them at all to now wanting them back fulltime.

It would be unfair to your DCs that they have gone from living with you, to living with them fulltime to back to living with you fulltime - and then if you can't cope back to them fulltime.

So I would start by trying to get 50/50 access, maybe start with 25/75. This way they will be able to see for themselves how serious you are and how well you are coping.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 16/08/2020 06:56

Its awful parenting, but it isnt neglect. Social services wouldnt intervene.

It sounds basic and obvious, and maybe you've done it, but have you sat down and had a proper conversation and outlined all the things that you've mentioned here?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 16/08/2020 06:59

Also - why do you just want your youngest back? Not your eldest too?

Greysparkles · 16/08/2020 07:08

At 6 years old, they still cut up his food (he struggles using cutlery here), he doesn't know how to ride a bike, his speech is awful, presumably because no one speaks to him all day. His food is from a tin (tinned meatballs for lunch every day) and dinner is usually chicken nuggets and chips

OK so the cutlery think sounds like he has trouble with his fine motor skills, not surprising as he's only 6.
You could always teach him how to ride a bike yourself
Speech, is he under a speech therapist? If it's very bad I would assume school would've picked up on it and made the necessary referrals. Has this been done?
The food, is he a fussy eater?

Bringonspring · 16/08/2020 07:14

Can’t you just start initially increasing contact and see how you get on. My son is beyond loved at 5 but can’t master riding a bike and can’t use a knife. No offence OP but those comments do come from a navie point of view around what you expect of a DS/fine motor skills etc

Original poster

AngelForAll · 16/08/2020 12:38

Hi everyone. Thank you for your replies.

My eldest is coming back to me in 12 months. His dad and I have discussed and he has said he would be happy to hand back full custody providing I show stability for a year.

When my youngest lived with me, he was almost off stabilisers and cutting up his own food so in my point of view, he has gone backwards since he has lived with them. His confidence has completely gone.

I have brought these things up a few times but it either ends in arguments or they buck up for a week and then things slip back to normal.

I am beyond grateful for them helping when I was in a dark place and I have worked so hard to maintain a good relationship with my children as well as trying to get myself back on top. I'm just finding it really difficult now.

The thing with increasing contact is that they live in another county (3 hour drive - 6 hour round trip) which isnt a problem at the moment but obviously things will get a bit more difficult when school starts again.

OP posts:

minnieok · 16/08/2020 13:06

Speak to his social worker about getting parental responsibility back, don't mention the possible neglect at this point, it's down to whether you are able to be a full time mum again. I'm guessing your dp isn't your dc's dad hence dc living with your parents, is he willing to share the parenting, this will strengthen your case. Going straight in with their possible neglect is more likely to result in foster care being considered, it's about whether you can now be a good mum and your ability. (Plus messy houses, cutting up a kids food and playing too much Xbox is unlikely to alarm social services, they would be run off their feet if they acted on every report of that!)

Original poster

AngelForAll · 16/08/2020 13:18

No my partner has built up a great bond with my children. They all love each other and he also has a child of his own from a previous relationship. We’re all a big dysfunctional family at this point! He’s happy for me to stay at home whilst he brings in a wage and he’s great with the children and happy with parenting my children.

Thank you for your insight. The last thing anyone wants is foster care! They haven’t seen/heard from the social worker since court was all done with so I guess it’s just a case of calling their local social services and speaking to someone about reopening the case?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 16/08/2020 13:22

@minnieok

A) he won't have a social worker B) OP still has PR C) what makes you think this child will end up in foster care based on anything OP has written? Especially as you say that the OP's description wouldn't interest social services!

CodenameVillanelle · 16/08/2020 13:23

@AngelForAll

No. They won't reopen the case now that your parents have the residence/special guardianship order. Social services have no role here. You must get legal advice to find out what options you have.

midnightstar66 · 16/08/2020 13:32

I agree this is not SS remit now unless you want to report neglect. This doesn't guarantee that you will be the one who gets your dc if they see reasons to remove him (which is unlikely based on what you have said). You need legal advice from a family law specialist. If this was all mutual decisions and intended to be short term why were permanent court orders granted?

converseandjeans · 16/08/2020 13:39

Do your parents get money towards looking after DS? Perhaps they would lose the income?

Original poster

AngelForAll · 16/08/2020 13:41

I honestly don’t know. At the time I wasn’t thinking straight and on all different kinds of medication that we’re making me poorly so I just let the court stuff unfold. I don’t remember having much to do with it all. I didn’t know that it could be a temporary thing? I don’t remember a temp thing being mentioned but as I said, I mainly let my mother and step father deal with it as I was in a very dark place. I guess it’s just a solicitor thing now.
I don’t think he’s being neglected as such. Just when you hear that’s the life your child has it’s but a bit crap

OP posts:

Original poster

AngelForAll · 16/08/2020 13:42

No they don’t get any money from it. I pay maintenance but they just have their normal work incomes. As far as I know, they’re worse off as my mother had to cut down her work hours and have to pay for holiday clubs when he’s not in my care

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 16/08/2020 13:45

A court order isn't temporary, unless it's an interim order, and if that were the case you would have a solicitor and a final court date.

LolaGrace · 16/08/2020 13:47

Are the children under special guardianship orders?

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/08/2020 13:48

Do you actually have the court orders?

Why dont they want you to have him back?

Original poster

AngelForAll · 16/08/2020 14:19

My youngest is under the special guardianship order with my mother and step father yes.

I have the court order. They don’t want me to have him back because my mother has grown very attached to him and the deal was at the time that if they were to take him on then that would be it, there would be no having him back.
Again, at the time I was just focusing on keeping myself alive every day. Things like that didn’t matter back then.
I’ve made a huge mistake and have no idea how to get him back now

OP posts:

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/08/2020 14:21

Seek legal advice OP, as soon as you can. Having your son live with you, needn't mean your mum never seeing him. How much contact do you have?

CodenameVillanelle · 16/08/2020 14:46

Bear in mind your son is settled with his grandparents. It might not be in his interests to move AGAIN.

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