Want to walk away from baby - feel terrible

[Atticus500]

I’m hoping some of you will tell me this is normal, but I really want to walk away from my 12 week old DD. She is breastfed, has no major health concerns (maybe some reflux and bad gas) and is a happy, smiley and generally good baby. She sleeps well at night though never naps in the day, but is what I’ve been told is an “easy” baby. I go to bed and wake up every day wanting to run away from it all. I have found the last 12 weeks to be the hardest and worst weeks of my life and have been diagnosed with PPD, though was under the impression that this was improving. So I feel awful that I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to leave her and walk out. I want to walk back to my old life and pretend I never had her and just carry on with life. I have thought about leaving her with my parents, and leaving her with my husband - neither of which are realistic options - but I just desperately want to run away. Will this feeling go? Will I ever actually enjoy my child and not feel like I’m part of some awful endurance test? A counsellor told me it would happen at 12 weeks but so far, things have not improved... 😢

Oh dear. It's a normal feeling unfortunately. It's incredibly tough. You will get better.

And whilst you are still feeding baby and keeping it clean, then you are giving it all it needs, so you are actually being a great mum even if you don't feel that way.

I had the same feeling with my first daughter. I wanted to run away and would fantasise about where to. Can you get some help during the week? Even just a couple of hours so you can go for a coffee/ haircut/ run etc. I found getting a few hours to myself helped me enjoy being a mum and regain a sense of who I was again. Have you got baby friends? I found making friends with other mums also helped.

I had bad PND with my first and there were times I fantasised about leaving him with his dad, going off to the woods with a big bottle booze and just sleeping (maybe not waking up again). You will get through this - I love my boy to bits and it got a lot better once I got proper support? You are suffering an illness and you literally not in your right mind so the feelings you are having are not really what you feel inside but your body’s response to hormonal turmoil, sleep deprivation (no matter how well your baby is sleeping) and a distorted sense of your own worth. You are not only an excellent mother looking after your baby but you are climbing a sheer sided mountain at the same time. This is the time to call on your support network- partner (can he take emergency leave?), parents, friends etc. Get them to help you, talk to you, reassure you. Are you on meds? I found beta blockers really good as long as I didn’t take them too close to bedtime. You are enough - you are strong and you will get through this x

This feeling will pass.

I had this with my first and almost thought she was adopted somehow and I could give her back. I gave up breastfeeding as it was right for me at the time. I know it isn't easy to talk about but is there someone you could confide in real life who won't judge? Or post on here for some support?

Hi OP, becoming, and being a mum, can be overwhelming, and when we are or feel overwhelmed by something it is quite common to want to run away.

There seems to be a tendency at the moment to make parenting some sort of blame game, that if you are not perfect in every way then everything that ever happens to your child is all your fault. It is perfidious.

You've just had a baby, you need time to adjust and mental space to relax into the role of motherhood. Be gentle on yourself, relax and see if things improve.

Oh I hear you. I remember lying in bed one morning listening to my beautiful firstborn in her Moses basket waking up for the day and thinking to myself no, no I just can’t do this any more. I cannot get up and face this day.

But I did. And I continued to do so. And then I went back to work part time and she went to nursery and things got a little better. And continued to do so. I even had another newborn when she was 2.5.

Now she’s nearly six and she is FABULOUS. She’s great company and she’s so clever and funny. She loves school, she has friends, she loves to draw, she loves sea life (🤷🏻‍♀️).

Hang on in there. I swear to you, it will get better. It will gradually get easier. The baby stage is so hard but it is also so temporary.

Op I felt exactly the same way. It’s crap and makes you feel awful about yourself. Please believe it is so so normal and it will change.

We are all here for you. Get some RL support.
Remember you are not a bad person or a bad mum. Sending you strength

And even now I get little pangs of “life is so hard with kids” - lockdown was really hard with them and work. But on the whole life is so much better now.

I really feel for you. The first few weeks/months of motherhood can be so difficult for so many reasons (even if you have an ‘easy’ baby) and if you add lockdown into that scenario I imagine it’s even harder. I certainly did not enjoy many aspects of the early months and it’s fine to admit that. Are you under the care of a health visitor and if so, have you discussed how you are feeling with them? What support are you getting for the PPD?

I agree with what a PP said about having a break for a couple of hours if you can? Even if you just go for a coffee or have a bath or go for a run/walk. I desperately needed some time to myself where I could switch off and finding a way to do this really helped me feel more like myself and improved my mental health.

The very fact that you are meeting your baby’s needs, have sought help and you want the best for your baby shows that you are doing a great job. Take it one day at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself

It's so very hard at the beginning and when you're doing it for the first time.

I also remember feeling the way you do. All I can say is mine is now 5 and quite simply amazing. It gets SO much better. Hang in there

Oh I felt like this. I felt a million times better when I went back to work. Is that an option for you? I know she's young but your mental health is supremely important and plenty of childcare providers look after young babies. I took a year off last time but will be going back after 5 months this time because I know it's the best thing for me and therefore for the baby... even though he'll probably be the youngest in his nursery. If it helps though, I now absolutely adore my toddler ...he's 22 months old, the apple of my eye, nd I can't imagine life without him now. But I had to have childcare and time to myself to feel like that.

What treatment are you getting for the PND? I didn’t admit I felt like this til my dd turned 1 and I wish I’d got help sooner. The difference anti depressants and counselling made to me was incredible. That and stopping breastfeeding. But my dd was incredibly unsettled (putting it mildly) and I honestly felt like I was going insane. I love the bones of her now, she’s genuinely the light of my life and I only started anti depressants 4 months ago. Before that I started each day exactly as you describe, dreading it and planning ways to escape. Please speak to your GP today, I was told the counselling waiting list in my area at least is very short, and they prioritise anyone with a baby.

I felt the same OP. Wanted to take my son back to the hospital etc. I was grieving for my old life, and being able to do what I wanted when I wanted.

It did improve, and I didn’t feel anywhere like as bad with number 2! I think, for me, the turning point was about a year. I put my son into nursery and got a day a week back for me. I should have done it sooner.

You are not alone, and this is a ridiculously hard time to have a baby - no groups etc. keep talking, to anyone who’ll listen!

Please know you are not alone in feeling this way and it's doesn't make you a terrible person.
It does get easier I promise. As they get older and become less dependant you will start regaining some of your old life back.
It's great that you have seen someone regarding PPD, how are they helping you?

Do you have people around you that could help out?

It was incredibly damaging and unprofessional for a counsellor to tell you that you WILL feel better at some magic 12 week mark. No-one can tell you that but you will feel better incrementally. If you're on medication, it takes time to kick in.

I found the first 6 months incredibly challenging and I was really quite mentally unwell in the early weeks, but I am better now. Even so, like pp said, there are still times (especially in lockdown) when I think 'right, that parenting thing was interesting, now when does it stop?'. It's just so relentless, but you can't go back in time. You just have to go on one day at a time .

Keep surviving for now and one day (sooner than you think probably) things won't be so awful. You won't wake up with that dread in the pit of your stomach. You will start to enjoy small aspects of your baby. This all takes time though.

It's really tough at that age. What saved me was starting a baby yoga class and meeting other mums. Stuck in my tiny flat all day really brought me to the brink. Unfortunately it's hard to find classes but see if any drop in breastfeeding groups have restarted, often at cafes (or local pub in our case, restarts next week). It's a cliche but talking really helps, and your gp can prescribe if you need it

Go back to gp
And ask for a different counsellor
It will get better but you need additional help for pnd

I had this and in retrospect had PND. What helped was a bit of mixed feeding so I could leave the baby, yoga classes twice a week alone in the evening while DH looked after him, being outside most of the day (left by 10 back at 5! Just went to see anyone I could and all classes) and a babysitter once a week for 4 hours while I 'worked'. It's really hard; take all and any help you can.

It's really tough at that age.

In what way did you find the 12 week age tough and when did things start to get easier for you?

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way OP. My baby is a few weeks older than yours and it can sometimes feel quite relentless

I won't lie op, mine is 2 years old and I still have moments of feeling like that! But it does get better. He now chats to me, sleeps all night (well till 6am), and is a right character. Every stage when they are little is hard I think. Mine is going through a stage of tantrumming over everything and I'd be lying if I said I didn't count down the hours till bedtime some days.

I think kids get much easier when they are about 4 onwards... I hope! You have to remember however relentless it is right now, this isn't your life forever. One day you will start getting your life back.

I have no experience for the pnd side of things but I do have experience of clinging on to the "it will get better in x weeks" etc. I had a very difficult baby (screamed all the time due to silent reflux and milk allergy) and everyone told me she'd be happier when she weaned, happier when she could sit up, etc etc. I clung on to these and was so low when none of these things made any difference whatsoever. I wish I hadn't listened to them. It sounds like something a counsellor shouldn't promise.

Sorry you're having such a tough time. Please do carry on communicating with your family and medical people to say how you're feeling so they can find the best ways to help.

Yes, it will get better. Yes, you will get to enjoy your child. Well done for speaking up. It's tough to ask for help.
Be kind to yourself. Your baby is fed and clean, which is all that matters at this stage

I should add that it does absolutely get better. it's just impossible to put time limits and it also can be quite gradual or sudden. You can do this, you will do this.

I think putting a set timescale on things makes it worse because you set up an expectation that might not be met.

I have a 20 week old, and its so tedious. It has its lovely moments, but its mainly still tedious. I thought like you in the very early days, was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and had CBT. Id highly recommend it if you can access it.

Please, please know that this isnt your new life. In a few months it'll be entirely different, then it'll change again, and then again and so on. Hang on in there.