Want to walk away from baby - feel terrible

[Atticus500]

I’m hoping some of you will tell me this is normal, but I really want to walk away from my 12 week old DD. She is breastfed, has no major health concerns (maybe some reflux and bad gas) and is a happy, smiley and generally good baby. She sleeps well at night though never naps in the day, but is what I’ve been told is an “easy” baby. I go to bed and wake up every day wanting to run away from it all. I have found the last 12 weeks to be the hardest and worst weeks of my life and have been diagnosed with PPD, though was under the impression that this was improving. So I feel awful that I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to leave her and walk out. I want to walk back to my old life and pretend I never had her and just carry on with life. I have thought about leaving her with my parents, and leaving her with my husband - neither of which are realistic options - but I just desperately want to run away. Will this feeling go? Will I ever actually enjoy my child and not feel like I’m part of some awful endurance test? A counsellor told me it would happen at 12 weeks but so far, things have not improved... 😢

I didn't have PPD (did have PTSD, all linked to the experiences in hospital where I gave birth) but I still look back on that time and just think it was fucking weird and fragile and that I was teetering on the edge of something very weird. There's a kind of horror when you're left alone with a tiny baby. It really does change. I found mine really switched up at the 4 month mark, not 3 (I described it as him waking up from the matrix, it really was like he just stopped being a prawn being with basic needs and suddenly realised there was a world and he was in it) and then at 6 months, I think he really felt like a teeny person. However. I think you need additional help, and to go back to GP and tell them what you're feeling. The not napping thing could be exacerbating it, which doesn't mean she should be, just that you're not getting that zoning out reprieve where you can just have a break. But I'm no expert, and I think you need to speak to someone and see what additional support they have available.

I felt exactly the same. Everyone told me it would get better at 12 weeks - that the reflux would ease and I’d feel better too. I didn’t feel better until about 6 months although I never sought help or got any treatment. At 6 months I started to feel better and started to bond more with my son. Now he is a year old and I’m completely obsessed with him and can’t believe I ever felt that way at the start. What I’m trying to say is - no one can tell you when you will feel better, you need to keep getting help and take support from friends and family wherever you can. Do whatever you need, to get through the day. And don’t feel guilty, you are doing amazing as a mother.

Becoming a mum for the first time is a complete shell shock and I remember thinking what the hell have I done. But it will get better and you’ll come through it. Sending hugs.