Parents of two and parents of one...talk to me

[summerinthecity22]

Hello... deciding whether to have another baby or not.

My gorgeous DD has just turned 2.

In two minds to try for another baby.

Would love to hear from parents of one and parents of two. Why you are one? What's the positives and negatives? And same with parents of two. I know we can only make this decision but I'd just be intuit hear from other parents....

I don't know whether it's because DD has been sleeping through since she was 18 months and I think it's all so easy now...those early months are long forgotten. I just don't know...

Thank you

My situation is different as DD11 was adopted as a baby. We did get the chance to adopt again but turned it down for various reasons. It can be difficult with one child & DD often says she would love a sibling ( she has a half brother but he’s been adopted by another family). It’s hard work entertaining get sometimes & she tends to argue with us because she doesn’t have brothers or sisters to battle with!

Get?! Her that should be lol 🤣🤣

Everything a second child has is stolen from the first.

What is so unacceptable about the first, to make the mother keep trying for a more satisfactory one?
Who would want to live in a home of non-stop hatred, as is common between siblings?

@20mum

Everything a second child has is stolen from the first. What is so unacceptable about the first, to make the mother keep trying for a more satisfactory one? Who would want to live in a home of non-stop hatred, as is common between siblings?

Wow. Bit jaundiced.

I have one age 4, would have loved another but don't think it's going to happen due to infertility. She is amazing but hard work and wants constant entertainment from me. I think she would benefit from a sibling as her focus may shift from me then!

But I guess there are pro's and con's to both, she does play lovely with other children as she's always happy to see other kids

Two children have exhausted me. I get there are benefits to having siblings growing up and I hope they are always close but I do look at my eldest sometimes and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't had my second (who utterly has my heart!). I know I would have an awful lot more time, money and energy for a start. Sounds mean, I adore my kids but life is now a juggle and I don't think I was fully prepared for how hard it is having another child. Think very carefully.

I have one, 4 year old DS. I do get a pang every now and again and wonder whether we should have another but a combination of traumatic delivery, awful sleep, PND, developmental issues with DS which have pushed me to my limit mentally and emotionally, meant we decided about 18 months ago to just stick with one.

Practically we have more space, time, money, plus I feel like I'm getting more and more of me back, my parents always happy to have him which they may have not with 2. Everything is so easy now he's older compared to when we made the decision but for us it's the right one.

Currently pregnant with number 5.

I don't really remember it being difficult as such. Each baby brings sleepless nights and each child is different with their needs and likes. I definitely knew I wanted more than one. I love having a big family.

But I do sometimes feel a bit jealous of my more sensible friends who stopped at one. (Or two!)

If you don't feel intensely that you want another, just enjoy the one you do have. Families come in all shapes and sizes - none are right or wrong.

I have one. She is 18 now. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility and wasn’t able to have another but I’m okay with that.
I think it may of worked out for the best anyway. We’ve had a more comfortable life because at times money has been tight (job losses, single parent due to relationship breakdown) and I remember thinking what would of happened if I’d had two mouths to feed etc...But obviously that’s been my own personal circumstances.
I also do remember my Mum almost constantly refereeing between my sister and I as we were so very different personality wise. I haven’t had to worry about this
However tinges of sadness do arise when my sister and I talk and laugh about our memories of our childhood and I realise that my daughter doesn’t have that. But like another poster said, not all siblings get on so who would know! I know of two people who really would prefer not to be in the same room as their sibling sadly!

If you've going to have another one, do it soon! I think anything bigger than three years is too much of a leap for you as a parent and is harder for your eldest to get their head around as well.

I have a two year age gap between mine. It wasn't as hard to go from one to two, as it was having my first. The first couple of years was exhausting and both of mine slept through early on!

I'd say the biggest issue is factoring two with childcare and work. My circumstances worked out that I was able to work part time evenings around DH's hours. So we didn't need to pay for child care. We were financially better off doing this instead of paying for to lots of full time childcare. I went back full time the September after youngest's 3rd birthday when we got funded hours.

They get on most of the time. They fight as well. They play together. They have similar interests. Childcare aside, I don't think it's been any more expensive than just having one. We kept everything from our first. Having three would mean bigger house, bigger car etc. Yes it's hard when they both want my attention, but DH and I work together to divide our time with the DC, so they are able to get one to one time with us as much as possible.

@20mum

Everything a second child has is stolen from the first. What is so unacceptable about the first, to make the mother keep trying for a more satisfactory one? Who would want to live in a home of non-stop hatred, as is common between siblings?

This has a very bitter tone to it. It sounds as though someone, presumably the writer, had a somewhat wretched childhood and puts it down to having a younger sibling. I am one of two, dh is one of three and we have two dcs ourselves. Yes, it can be financially difficult but, as 20mum so eloquently puts it, you can steal re-use a lot of things from dc1 for number 2. I don't see it as dc1 being imperfect and needing to improve on them, rather , it was that we wanted to repeat the experience as we had so much enjoyed being parents to dc1. Also, contrary to 20Mum's assertion, i ime, the home is not filled with non-stop hatred. I don't doubt that some siblings don't get on, but my experience, both as a sibling and a parent, is that children do get on. My children are now adults and my only regret is that due to health issues during pregnancy, we ended up stopping at two, rather than the four we'd always planned.

Currently pregnant with my second and this thread is vaguely depressing in places 😆 oh well, too late now!

Mine are 9&7.
Everyday for the past few months I have been thankful there's two if them. It might have been twice as much homeschooling, entertaining etc... But they have had each other. They have fought... But they have also had a friend going through the same thing.
I'm not saying have another in case of future pandemics- but the sibling bond can be brilliant.

I found going from 1 to 2 children easier than from 0-1. I knew what I was doing second time round which helped. The hardest part was the sixth months between DD1 starting school and DD2 starting preschool- she lost her playmate (they had attended nursery together prior to that, even though DD2 did 2 sessions to DD1s 5 sessions.

I always wanted a sibling for my first child and when I see them together it feels like my heart could explode with love.

They have such a special relationship with each other, they are the best of friends and can’t bear to be apart.

Watching a sibling relationship develop is truly wonderful and I’m so, so glad that they have each other.

I have a sister who I’m very close to. We grew up together, had all the same friends, spent all our time together and my childhood was wonderful because of it. We can spend hours and hours reminiscing about our childhood and we have so many laughs together about it. I know there’s no guarantee that siblings will get on, but it was important to me that DS1 have the opportunity to form a life long sibling relationship, and experience (possibly) being an uncle too.

My husband wasn’t initially keen on a second, in fact he was very against it and it took me a long time to convince him otherwise, but even now he will say that having a second child was the best decision we ever made.

I have just had DC2 and have a 3 year 11 month gap. I personally couldn’t have done a smaller gap for practical reasons but wanted 2 children. Practically the 4year gap works well for us, DC1 is in funded nursery hours and will be at school when I return to work after mat leave so not having to pay for 2 lots of nursery is one practicality. I get one on one time with DC2 while DC1 is at nursery but during the early weeks we have had more flexibility with nursery than you get with school for DC1. I personally have really enjoyed DC1s toddler years and it’s been fab having those before DC2 has come along. I also benefitted from having a few years back at work between pregnancies/mat leave- I really enjoy my job and being back massively helped my PND, family routine and ultimately put us in a better position for DC2s arrival. Being quite honest I just don’t think I would have coped with a smaller age gap on the flip side Dsis has 3 under 4 and thinks I was nuts starting again when you can just get the baby stuff out of the way! I think it’s not just the one or more children that you need to consider carefully but the gap between them.

I am a very happy only child and have a very happy only child.

A sibling is no guarantee of a life long friendship. DH loathes his brother and I have too many friends with fractured sibling relationships to take the risk

DD is 7 and an absolute joy. She has friends galore and also gets to come home to a quiet, calm house. We can travel wherever we want do and have an excellent quality of life as our finances are not stretched by one.

We are one and done. It was always the plan anyway but I definitely wouldn't do the baby bit again - it was hideous: traumatic birth, unsettled reflux newborn, PND.

My husband's had the snip. If it failed I would have a termination.

It’s sad to say this but I wish I’d thought more carefully before having my second child. She is a lovely, adorable baby but even with a fairly large age gap of 3.9 years her older brother hasn’t got any easier. He won’t play by himself at all and wants me to run around chasing him while lugging an increasingly heavy baby who can’t be left unwatched for a moment if I put her down. The virus has taken away any hope of support, not just from family but from playgroups, soft play, preschool classes etc that used to entertain my eldest. It’s physically draining to be up all night feeding a baby four or five times a night, then chase around two small children all day and deal with all the tantrums of the eldest one. I just hope it gets better one day.

I have one and am sticking with that. Due to a range of factors I need a relatively stress free life and there is no way I could cope with sibling fighting.

I absolutely love being able to give all my parenting time and energy to DS and we have an incredible bond. I love parenting and don't struggle with it whereas I find that in most cases those with more than one do struggle more.

I loved being a mum of two toddlers. It was such a happy but hard time but I did feel I was constantly letting one or the other down. I try to make up for that now they are older and I can do 1:1 time more easily. They are friends but they also wind each other up and can be ambivalent about each other - which I think is fairly normal!

For myself, I would have had more than two!

Pregnant with number 2- my eldest is potty trained and communicates well. I will be on mat leave during her last year at nursery before starting school so I only pay 1 extortionate child care at a time.
I Am aware my life will be challenging for a few years/exhausting but for me I couldn’t bear to get to the greater independence on 5/6 years old and have to start all over again. I want to be done with babies and toddlers within a couple of years. I wanted two to ease the pressure of being my first child’s only play mate (alongside her dad).

I think I’m going to be one and done too - I’d always imagined having two kids but the reality of parenthood was much harder than I’d thought it would be! I love my 9mo so so much but she is hard work!! She screamed constantly for the first 5 months of her life and I got pretty bad depression as a result. She’s still very intense and a bad sleeper though it’s a lot more rewarding now. It does make me a bit sad as I’d love for her to have a sibling but I don’t think I could go through the baby stage twice, even if the second one was easier!
My sister has developed some severe mental health issues and really struggles with everyday life, so after my parents pass away I’ll have to care for her for some extent (although she lives in sheltered housing at the moment) so I’m aware of not taking on too much.

I have two teenage daughters with a 3 year age gap. They are both the best of friends and the worst of enemies.

They both do the same hobby, so have shared interests, and generally are close. They still have sleepovers together, and can stay up all night giggling. It's been a godsend over lockdown as they have really depended on each other - going for bike rides, swimming in the local river, doing jigsaw puzzles or just bouncing on the trampoline and hanging out.

But like all sisters, they know exactly how to press each other's buttons. They can fight like no one else.

But they wouldn't be without each other.

However, I think they are in part close because they are same sex, do the same hobby (girl based) and have similar interests. They love to go out clothes shopping together for example. They also have complimentary personalities in that the eldest is more domineering and the youngest is much more laid back and happy to go along with whatever the eldest says.

I was in your position OP and I even started my own thread about it (I think you can still find it if you search).

Anyway, we deliberated for a long while. Like you, everything had got easier, I was enjoying life with one child and I didn't want to rock the boat. I was worried about having another difficult birth and repeating the newborn phase which I hated first time round.

In the end we didn't start trying for another until DD1 was almost three. I was fortunate to get pregnant pretty much immediately and DD2 arrived at the start of this year

For us, it was perfect. DD1 has adapted brilliantly, she loves her baby sister and there has hardly been a hint of jealousy. I was much more prepared for the stages I found difficult last time. Birth was fine. I'd actually consider having a third (DH not so keen though!)

It was a real shame that lockdown came just a few weeks after DD2 was born. Before that, DD1 had been in full time preschool and those early weeks were just perfect, having the time with DD2 during the day. Obviously during lockdown it's been really tough but that's the case for pretty much everyone with kids I guess.

My advice would be try to look honestly at your own motivations/situation/current DC and take your decisions based on that. It's such a personal thing and people see these things really differently, so it can be hard to get advice. For example, for us the larger age gap has been ideal but I know a lot of people think it's great to get all the baby stuff out of the way in one go. I can see that argument but I know there is no way I could have coped with that! Equally, we had a hunch that DD1 would cope well with a sibling, and so far it seems we were right, but you know your child's personality best.

Good luck

We had 2 (one girl, one boy, both now in their early 20s). Definitely the right thing for our family. Bit rocky at first as big sister got over-excited/jealous so had to work hard on that and watch her like a hawk, but the next 20 years more than made up for it.

Those two have had so much joy from each other, so much fun together, so many memories of caring for each other and looking out for each other, so many shared jokes.

I have known many happy only children too, so I don't for a moment imagine that having siblings is either the only source of joy or a certain one, but for my dc it certainly has been one. They are not at all like each other, they don't have a lot in common, but they know they have a bond that transcends that. For them it works.

I was one of 4 and we certainly never went short of attention or academic resources. Don't think my dc have either.