Competition between baby friends

[Nobeautysleep]

Hi all,

My baby is 10 months old and still waking through the night for a feed. A regular night and he is up 5 times. He is breastfed.

My friend had her little girl two weeks after my son was born. She sleeps through. A bad night for her is 2 or 3 wake up. She bottle feeds.

I’m getting a bit conscious of mentioning my baby’s sleep pattern. I’ve had comments back like “it’s funny as a good night for you is a bad night for me”. I don’t particularly find it funny. And I’m told to give my baby a bottle quite often as apparently this will stop the wake ups. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t tell my friend about my baby’s ups and downs as the return comment is always a comparison or a negative one about me still breastfeeding.

My hubby says I should just stop telling people but I feel annoyed as I wouldn’t make these remarks to other people. Your baby, your choice! But I always end up annoyed.

Am I being sensitive?

You're defo not being overly sensitive and this is exactly why I didnt go out of my way to make any 'baby/mummy friends' specifically. Ill have chit chat with friends who have babies but will move away from the conversation if it starts to get like you've mentioned. I have a friend who told me her baby seems really to walk at 5 months. Whilst I think this is a bit her being all PFB, I just didnt get into it. My baby is 4.5 months is nowhere near even showing an interest in walking (obviously).

Im with your husband. Either dont mention it or find people who are a bit understanding/less competitive.

I had thia with one of my friends too, added with I should just let him cry and you will still be breastfeeding when he's a teenager? I stopped seeing her for abit as it really annoyed me and I knew she would never change her view so wasn't worth the argument. You do what you think is right for your baby, they all sleep through in the end-interestingly mine did at 14months when I stopped breastfeeding but I kept this to myself!

People always make comments. I bottle fed from day one. My baby slept through at 11 weeks. I still got comments about 'oh but her sleep regression will be horrendous' like they were wishing my life was hard. They commented about my choices with sleeping, feeding, work, disciplining when the time came. I think no matter what choices people make, there is always judgement, especially amongst mummy friends, although it does ease up with mummy friends after a certain age once they all realise that babies do their own thing no matter what parenting technique you use.

I say just try to brush it off and just focus on what is good for you and what you want to do. It's just part of modern parenting I think. Everyone is is an expert who needs to make their opinion known.

My first was bottle feed and my second is breast feed. My breast feed baby feeds more often but it’s so much easier, I don’t have to get out of bed, after 10 mins she has finished both boobs and few taps on her bum she snuggles back to sleep. With my first I had to go downstairs make a bottle while baby cried, feed the baby using both arms so no watching iPlayer or faffing on the Internet, sometimes make more milk and then try and get her back to sleep. How many times a baby wakes up is not necessary the challenge it’s the getting them back to sleep which can be the difficult bit.

I don’t think you’re being over sensitive; my best friend had a baby just before me and he sleeps through the night whereas mine is similar to yours. She is sympathetic to me being tired but never in a patronising way and she doesn’t try to give me advice.

Thanks for all your replies! I think I’m just going to distance myself from the chat for a bit.
I’ve got lots if friends with babies who’ve done breast/bottle/combination with lots of mixed sleep patterns so I do know it’s not my fault, it’s just the way my baby is.

They all have the thing that they're bad at and the good. Sometimes it's sleep, sometimes eating etc.

It's just the same ad toddlers too. Mine can correct my grammar but not know when she needs a wee.

You'll have moments in the future when your DC is ahead at something different and you can smugly take the moral high ground.

We all become know it alls and tactless with first babies. Feel free to point it out to her.

Yes breastfeeding babies sleep is typically worse than bottle fed babies BUT breastfeeding is better for the baby (I know this is a sensitive subject but that is a scientific fact that shouldn’t be hidden away). Don’t say this to your friend as she has made her choices and thats up to her but don’t let the fact that you are putting your baby’s wellbeing above your own sleep escape you. It’s a good thing to do.

Depends if you’re moaning about your lack of sleep or not.
Perhaps she thinks she’s helping?

I don’t have to get out of bed, after 10 mins she has finished both boobs and few taps on her bum she snuggles back to sleep. With my first I had to go downstairs make a bottle while baby cried, feed the baby using both arms so no watching iPlayer or faffing on the Internet

My baby is bottle fed and I don’t get out of bed to feed either Sorry your baby is waking so often through the night OP, but your post does rather come across as a subtle dig at mums who bottle feed.

Well it’s not meant to peasoup8. I said in my original post your baby, your choice. I’m sorry that you think my post is a subtle dig at mums who bottle feed. Subtle because the dig isn’t there. I actually don’t think it’s anyone else’s business how you choose to feed your child.
I’m sensitive because I feel like I’m being judged for breastfeeding and that maybe I’m doing the wrong thing in not giving my child a bottle! I’m not moaning, this friend asks how baby sleeps and I reply matter of factly, I rarely even say that I’m tired.

OP I bottle feed and I dont feel like your post was a dig a formula/bottle feeding

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

OP I bottle feed and I dont feel like your post was a dig a formula/bottle feeding

Thank you.

Some people have good sleepers, and are very quick to attribute it to something they have done. Avoid these people like the plague! Some that I know have had to eat humble pie when #2 came along and was completely different

Do what YOU think is right for your family and your baby. If you want to breastfeed at night, go for it. If you want to try a bottle at night and see if it makes a difference, you could give it a try - I suspect for some babies who are genuinely hungry at night it might help, and for others who need the comfort and reassurance it won’t. I know some people who found introducing a bottle helped with sleep problems, some where it made no difference and some where it made things much worse (baby taking too much and screaming from reflux when really all they wanted was comfort).

Personally, I did everything “wrong” according to sleep websites etc. I fed DD to sleep for years (it worked for us). I never left her to cry at night. We coslept for 2 years (again, it worked for us) and occasionally did it after we’d stopped at home because it was easier on holiday/visiting friends etc. I didn’t make any changes until it suited US to do so. Part of me worried that I would have created awful habits... nope. No drama at all. No crying. At the age of 3 she was going to sleep independently with no problems, sleeping through the night (except initially for the occasional wee, which she woke up for but went straight back to sleep after) and will happily go to sleep for someone else if I’m not at home. Do what works for you for as long as you’re happy with it. Change it if/when you’re not happy in a way that works for you.

If you’re feeling tired, are you someone that can manage a nap during the day? (I’m crap at these, and wake up feeling awful). Do you have anyone that can take your DS for a few hours? Otherwise I strongly recommend just going to bed when baby goes to bed - sod the housework!

Yeh I didn't feel like you were making a dig at bottle feeders either. And it's all to do with the baby not the feeding method: my first baby slept through the night from 4 weeks old (crazy I know) and was exclusively breastfed! And I know some bottle feeders whose kids still didn't sleep through after a year... breastfeeding doesn't necessarily lead to constant wakeups!

I totally get the competition thing though. That would have annoyed me if the shoe was on the other foot. But also, there's the possibility that she feels defensive about bottle feeding when you're breastfeeding? Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm.not saying she has ant good read on to feel defensive- but society puts pressure on women to bf and perpetuates a feeling hierarchy where ebf is seen as the gold standard. So she may feel defensive about not breastfeeding and therefore trying to highlight what she sees as the positives of it. I get that - I had a tough, miserable baby but he slept so well at night. Whenevee i felt defensive about how much he cried during the day, I'd often say 'but st least he sleeps through the night!' to try to feel less of a failure. I'm sure thst annoyed people! Obviously I don't know your friend but worth considering!

@Nobeautysleep I sympathise. I BF too but he also gets a bottle whenever (9,5mo). It makes zero difference, he is still up 2-3x a night. Me and my brother were BF only and slept through from birth (and I never will hear the end of this from my mum...). I also have a friend who sleep-trained hers at 6m and he now sleeps 7-7.

I say to each their own but if they do make comments (my friend never does) I'd give them some distance.

Babies are just all different, I BF and DS slept through from 12 weeks, the sleep regressions were a few nights of waking frequently then back to normal. I didn't do anything in particular, it's just the way he is, nothing to do with how he was fed. I know ancedotally more people seem to find that FF babies sleep 'better', but there is nothing to prove that is the case. I had a friend who was similar, she would always mention feeding when I mentioned anything, even though it wasn't a big deal to me and I never spoke about it, it was frustrating but she probably had her reasons. I found it wearing and we drifted apart. Sounds like you're doing great OP.

How often do you mention it? I have a friend who I communicate with every day on whatsapp. Near enough every day she gives me a run down of how frequently her baby woke up in the night and for how long. I've run out of things to say in response! I can't tell her about my comparatively good sleeper, I am out of advice, so all I can do it say "how annoying" or "I'm sure it will improve soon" but there isnt much more to say. Maybe they just dont know what to say?

The inference I got from your OP is that you’re having to feed 5 times through the night but should be lauded for that because you’re breastfeeding - whilst your friend has it comparatively easy but she’s bottle feeding, so isn’t doing the best for her child and should be waking 5 times a night to breastfeed like you are. Sorry if I’ve misinterpreted, but that’s how it comes across to me.

@peasoup8

The inference I got from your OP is that you’re having to feed 5 times through the night but should be lauded for that because you’re breastfeeding - whilst your friend has it comparatively easy but she’s bottle feeding, so isn’t doing the best for her child and should be waking 5 times a night to breastfeed like you are. Sorry if I’ve misinterpreted, but that’s how it comes across to me.

OP didn't say anything like that. I'm sorry that you have obviously been made to feel very defensive about bottle feeding or if anyone has been unkind to you about it, but it's really unfair to put that on to the OP. This is your issue, not hers.

That is not what I said at all peasoup8, I’m really not sure where you got that inference from. I don’t think I should be lauded for feeding my baby and I don’t want my friends baby waking 5 times a night. I just don’t want my baby to seem like the “bad” baby in comparison to her “good” baby.

Thank you hardbackwriter for your comment.

Thank you to everyone else for your comments, there’s some interesting perspectives that I hadn’t thought about. My friend and I have never discussed why/how we made our feeding choices, I don’t know if she feels worried about her choice like I feel worried about mine. I think post natally the only question we each asked was if our babies were feeding OK, not how they were feeding. I don’t offer information about my baby’s sleeping pattern unless asked, but we often share the exciting things our baby’s do maybe she just doesn’t realise how she’s saying it.

Perhaps from now on I’ll just say my baby is sleeping fine. I think deep down I’m worried about how ill manage going back to work if sleep is still like this but we often co sleep so hopefully I’ll get enough.

@peasoup8 The point of mentioning feeding was that the OP is being told to bottle feed because the 'good' baby who sleeps is bottle fed.

OP, I get this a lot, and mine are always the 'bad' babies because they don't sleep (the ff and the bf one never slept so nothing to do with feeding choice), they are messy eaters (baby led weaned), they don't nap on schedule, they aren't happy shoved in a pushchair for hours... basically I don't have rigid schedules and they have their own personalities so were/are always compared to the 'good' babies. I just stopped giving details and answered questions with 'oh yeah they are doing well thanks'.

My little one is 8 months, breastfed and awake half the night so it's always 'isn't it time to stop the breastfeeding now?' and the like. He's baby led weaned so that gets a lot of tutting, he's also pretty active and prefers a sling or carrier to the pushchair and the amount of people who comment on him being 'difficult' and 'spoiled' is unbelievable. I'd like to think they just don't realise they way these comments come across.

@majesticallyawkward this is similar to us! We have no rigid schedules and just go with the flow. The amount of times people say to me what time is nap time and I’m like “ummmm”. Also not a huge fan of the pushchair, often end up carrying if we’ve forgotten the sling and that gets a lot of stranger comments about being spoiled! Seems us parents can’t so right for doing wrong.

@Nobeautysleep we really can't. When my dd was a bit older she had a self imposed routine and when I had to change plans because of it I got criticised for letting her 'dictate' and not being flexible enough 🤷🏼‍♀️

My ds has no routine, he leads and he's happy with it. Why wouldn't I go with it when we also have a 5 year old to factor in? Yesterday he fell asleep eating his lunch, today he might not nap at all (he was up 6 times last night so I'm hoping he does 😂).