Competition between baby friends

[Nobeautysleep]

Hi all,

My baby is 10 months old and still waking through the night for a feed. A regular night and he is up 5 times. He is breastfed.

My friend had her little girl two weeks after my son was born. She sleeps through. A bad night for her is 2 or 3 wake up. She bottle feeds.

I’m getting a bit conscious of mentioning my baby’s sleep pattern. I’ve had comments back like “it’s funny as a good night for you is a bad night for me”. I don’t particularly find it funny. And I’m told to give my baby a bottle quite often as apparently this will stop the wake ups. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t tell my friend about my baby’s ups and downs as the return comment is always a comparison or a negative one about me still breastfeeding.

My hubby says I should just stop telling people but I feel annoyed as I wouldn’t make these remarks to other people. Your baby, your choice! But I always end up annoyed.

Am I being sensitive?

In our NCT group we had one mum with a really bad sleeper. She used to ask how long the good sleepers had slept. It got to the point where I told the rest of the group not to tell her, as it was negatively affecting her and she’d get really upset.

Not in a nasty way, just I’m not telling you because it will upset you.

Unfortunately they’re 5 now and that baby still doesn’t sleep.

The inference I got from your OP is that you’re having to feed 5 times through the night but should be lauded for that because you’re breastfeeding - whilst your friend has it comparatively easy but she’s bottle feeding, so isn’t doing the best for her child and should be waking 5 times a night to breastfeed like you are. Sorry if I’ve misinterpreted, but that’s how it comes across to me.

That's quite a reach.

Just a thought, they might be trying to help! Having to get up that often in the night must be really difficult and exhausting and maybe they are mentioning the bottle because it helps with sleep.

Wow @peasoup8 - you’ve obviously got some unresolved issues re feeding choices there - your interpretation of the OP was way off the mark.

OP it’s really annoying. I had the same thing with friends with babies of similar ages. Not feeding actually but many other things. There’s a tendency to think that the way you’ve done things is best, and if you happen to have an easy baby in some respect you automatically put it down to your superior parenting when actually it’s just luck. I see it on here loads as well.

I think you could just tell her it’s not a competition and yours will get there in the end. FWIW I ebf my son and his sleep really improved when I night weaned at about 11/12 months, but do what you feel comfortable with.

I would tell her it's not a competition and you're not going to stop breastfeeding or let your baby cry so she needs to stop with the 'advice'. Babies either sleep or they don't. In our NCT group there is a mixture of shit sleepers, some breastfed, some bottlefed 🤷‍♀️

@Nobeautysleep @majesticallyawkward, you guys are my people! There will always be someone wanting to comment, especially on our lack of routine. But I usually find it's mostly older people. Our nct group is really mixed and we all just give support and funny stories to cheer up the ones having a bad day. Some sleep, but don't eat well. Some are happy but aren't interested in moving yet. Some are crawling but not very 'chatty'... It's almost like they're their own little people 🙂 Your baby will get there op, I'm sure.

Also, I'm sorry but @peasoup8, who hurt you?! The op clearly wasn't 'digging' at anyone, you're really reaching in your comments.

I bottle fed and my babies slept. All my nct friends breastfed and sometimes all they would talk about was breastfeeding and how amaaaazinng it was and how they were so happy they were giving their babies the best start in life and how breastmilk was made of liquid gold and unicorn tears yadayadayada and it got a bit grating to be honest so I did occasionally mention that I was happy I chose to bottle feed as my babies slept through the night. She might be defending her choices or she could just be being competitive. It’s hard to know without the context really.

I’d just add, nothing about your post made me think you were having a dig at bottle feeding mums but I know when I had ds1 I was very sensitive to any inference that I wasn’t doing the right thing by my baby so I was a bit defensive so saying maybe that’s what your friend is doing. Or she might just be a dick, who knows, there are a lot of very competitive parents!

@letsmaketea bottle feeding doesn't magically make babies sleep and babies are supposed to wake in the night. It's normal human behaviour to wake in the night especially for infants.

Some babies will sleep better than others the same as adults but it isn't bottle= sleep, please don't tell any breastfeeding mother that.

This obsession with wanting babies to sleep for 12 hours every night is unhealthy and unrealistic.

All my nct friends breastfed and sometimes all they would talk about was breastfeeding and how amaaaazinng it was and how they were so happy they were giving their babies the best start in life and how breastmilk was made of liquid gold and unicorn tears yadayadayada

Do you think this might have been just a little, incy bit in your head?

@Hardbackwriter in retrospect probably a little. However they knew I had had a massively hard time breastfeeding and the guilt at not being able to, and knew full well I was the only one in the group bottle feeding so I do think sometimes spending hours on end talking about the wonders of breastfeeding was a bit insensitive. I’m 3 years down the line so I’ve absolutely made my peace with bottle feeding. I know how in the early days feeding is such an all encompassing thing which feels so important but the hours and hours they would spend discussing it still feels excessive.

"My first was bottle feed and my second is breast feed. My breast feed baby feeds more often but it’s so much easier, I don’t have to get out of bed, after 10 mins she has finished both boobs and few taps on her bum she snuggles back to sleep. With my first I had to go downstairs make a bottle while baby cried, feed the baby using both arms so no watching iPlayer or faffing on the Internet, sometimes make more milk and then try and get her back to sleep"

And you totally miss the point of the thread and do what the OP is describing! I didn't get out of bed to bottle feed and I didn't have to use both hands so what? My experience is different to yours and that's the point.

@Minai sorry you had this experience, it definitely sounds a bit insensitive, especially if they knew what a hard time you’d had.

I had a hard time.. was in hospital for just over 2 weeks. My sister had a baby boy and she keeps comparing.. I just ignore it. They were born at different times different situations. I find it annoying and don't take part in it. I have also distanced from a cousin who kept comparing and asking me if my at the time 5 month old starting walking wtf