Help with my 6 year old child who is violent, challenging and manipulative

[Hellohun]

My son and I went into refuge when he was a baby. My ex has severe mental health issues.

We went to family courts and my son had unsupervised contact. He would come home and call me names such as fat, slag, ugly, whore and state his dad told him I ran away from them and my son will call meba liar because dad said. This still happens now. He disclosed physical abuse when having contact which was safeguarded but he still has indirect phone calls with dad. Dad has undermined my relationship via phone calls and again called me names etc which has been raised.

Fast forward to present day and my son is very violent towards me. He gets in my face, punches me. He said he has a voice in his head that tells him to get a knife and kill me. We went away for a few days this week and he said he wanted to throw me off a balcony and kill me. He threw a drink over me on holiday and punched me in the arm so hard it bruised badly.

We use time out as punishment and loss of TV time etc as well as reflection.

He will get angry and break things, smash things up. He's also tried throwing himself out of his window.

He shows very little empathy and will do things such as break his brothers toys because the voice told him to or go in the kitchen and empty food on floors for no apparent reason.

He wil come into my room at night and wake me up because I'm in his words "lazy and a liar". Sometimes he will wake me up 6 times plus. He tells me if I don't do as he says he will wake his brother up or hit me.

He's under school nurse for incontinence which is new and also healthy minds.

My 2 year old started mimicking his violence towards me now like his 6 year old brother. I feel anxious that he will start constantly on eggshells with him. Nothing is working...

Healhy minds think possibly an Attachment disorder but I'm concerned and at the end of my tether 😭😭

I thought Healthy Minds was for depression/anxiety/stress only?

I really think you need to log all this behaviour and go to his GP. The face he says he wants to hurt himself and you is worrying. Id be pushing for a CAMHS referral.

For a long time, your son will have been protected by his tender age, but as he grows and becomes more aware of himself and his experiences he will begin to act on his emotions.

You should be pro active in asking for support for the whole family, if you have a local children's centre they can help.

Camhs won't see him until he's done a thrive program via healthy minds. Healthy minds agree he is out of scope but they want to tick boxes so camhs will see him.

I've tried GP and they've refered it also to CAMHs who just say the same thing. I've actually taken him to A and E before to no avail. They seem to think he's too young to be seen by Camhs.

School nurse been great but didn't think of children's centres. I'll ring them Monday.

I've been told to ring Social services about 6 times who also say that it's not their remit....

Thrive is good- when will he start that?

Are you on FB? If so, I strongly recommend the Therapeutic Parenting group. And, if you’re not, it’s worth joining just for that group.

11th August he starts x

Thank you will join

Hi OP, I would recommend any books by the psychologists Dan Hughes or Kim Golding who have written some great books for parents whose children struggle with attachment and development trauma issues, which sounds very relevant for your son.

I'll look on amazon now. Yes he's definitely experiencing trauma and CAMHs thought attachment disorder due to abuse

It is out of social services remit.

Im an A+E nurse. I can tell you that we have no remit for those issues either, BUT the next time he threatens to throw himself out the window or harm himself, if you take him to A+E and say he has intent to harm himself he'll be seen by an appropriate psych clinician and have an assessment. Its not a perfect solution, but its another way 'in'.

We took him to a and e when he was swallowing coins to kill himself and he also injured a pet hamster with scissors saying he wanted to cut it in half....

They just refered to crisis team 😭 crisis team just refered it to CAMHs who then declined application..

I am in my final year of my teacher education degree and also work in a school. I'm literally using all my tools and getting nowhere. I've studied child development and psychology and I'm worried about him. We never use violence and I'm very pro positive reinforcements.

We have a worry monster and work on positives but the positives are becoming minimal

I would suggest Connective Parenting through NVR (also on FB). We are an adoptive family and found this really helpful (where the therapeutic parenting felt more like it was brushing the behaviour under the carpet).

Will be joining shortly... Many thanks

You need professional help. It’s good that CAMHS will see him once he’s done the Thrive programme with Healthy Minds.

If I were you I would be blocking all contact with his dad, damn the consequences. Could you get ss on your side to make sure consequences to you are minimal if you block contact?

Injuring an animal to me is very concerning. Good luck with the healthy minds course hopefully that will help def sounds like there are issues. Is there a new partner if you have a 2 year oild (but left ds dad as a baby) . Just it,s another development in childs life. Sounds like he has a lot going on in his mind. (If dad had ental health issues some of these are heredatry as well.)

Unfortunately SS don't want to be involved. They've said that it's a private law matter. If it stop contract they could change residency or prison 😖😖

Yes met my partner when son was 18 months old. We've since got married and bought a house so it is textbook stable for him.

Dad has significantly elevated scores for antisocial personality disorder so I'm very conscious of the generic links and eager to get help

I feel like I'm screaming in a room full of people and not one person even looks up.

I hope you get some help soon. My DS age 6 is on the waiting list with CAMHS neurodevelopment and has some similar symptoms sometimes. He has said terrifying things to us in the past and has had no traumatic experiences like yours, so I reallly dont know how he thinks of them but he says he has a good brain and an evil brain. I've noticed it gets worse when he is excited or when there are changes, even small ones like a new TV.
Do you think things like that might affect your DS? Being on holiday would be way too much for mine. He has got a lot better in the last year as we have put him in less uncomfortable situations (for him) and been very gentle and open "are you upset because if the new TV? It does look different doesn't it? It will take a few days to get used to. It's ok not to like it." It really seems to help.

I agree with you about the ASPD angle, sadly OP. I hope CAMHS can see you really soon.

Yes, when excited he is alot lot worse.. Out of control at times. If we have people round it's chaos. He gets very excited over stuff and everyday we are counting down to Christmas still lol. X

Thus sounds like a really tough situation you are all in.

I work as a social worker in children's services and I feel that this is entirely in our remit to support your family. I'm not sure why your being told by your local social work department that it's not. If it was my department we would absolutely be taking this up to support. If I were you, I'd ask your GP or school (or both) to make an official referral to social work as a professional putting in a referral will have more weight than a self-referral.

My specialist area in my job is domestic abuse and provide training in this area. It concerns me that your ex is clearly using your son as a means to further perpetuate his abuse by belittling you, calling you names and making comments about you to your son. Just because you are no longer in a relationship doesn't mean he won't try and control you. This is now clearly having an impact on your child and his wellbeing. If I were you I would be requesting that all contact between your son and ex is supervised entirely, including phone calls (or not allowing indirect contact).

Your sons behaviours could stem from trauma because of your ex's abuse. Your son will be feeling so confused, conflicted and anxious and this will come out in his behaviours as he doesn't have any other way to articulate how he's feeling. CAMHS definetly have a role, but in my experience it can be a long, long time before he's seeing anyone from CAMHS. Trying to get your son involved in Play Therapy may be a good option as it's a therapeutic support to allow your son to work through his feelings and some of this trauma.

I would also get in contact with Women's Aid for yourself. They can give you great support and can help you link your ex's actions to being coercive control. I know that many Women's Aid services also have children's workers who could do some work with you son around his experiences.

Right now, it's important that you really unpick wiht your son what he's feeling and why. Because he's 6 this will be hard for him to do as he won't understand or be able to name his feelings. So perhaps trying to help him with this is the way forward. There's a website called social worker toolbox that is full of activities, games etc that you can do with kids around this stuff and to help him talk through things. Just remember, even though your son's behaviours are difficult, they aren't his fault.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Hi,

Thank you for your comment which is very informative. You seem to be a social worker that is one of a kind. They've told me that it isn't a front line Safeguarding task. Basically, they feel cafcass should be dealing with this.

Cafcass are recommending contact - direct. Despite my ex being removed from the centre for fighting and consequently banned they are still promoting contact. Unfortunately, no contact centre will accept him because he has been banned from the previous centre. So they are now left with community as the only option or supervised which is £100 hour and apparently he cannot afford this!! I've suggested a no contact order but then I am hit with alienation.

If his Dad sought treatment for his mental health things may be different.

My son told cafcass his dad strangled him but because it was 2 years ago they're saying is "historic".

I have also tried TAC and they've also declined my referral.

School have been great and he has a nurture mentor. I've recently sought advice from private counselling services, it's costly but maybe the only way forward.

Hi OP,

I'm afraid I have no useful experience or advice to share but just wanted to say what a tough situation this sounds like, and I'm sorry for you and your sons that you are in it.

You also sound really proactive and determined to find the right help. Hang in there and keep fighting. I'm sure things will improve. @LinzF has provided what sounds like incredibly helpful advice.