Not even 4 weeks in and I already feel like I don't want to be a mum anymore

[anon1387]

The first week seemed easy enough even with some health issues for baby. She's now almost 4 weeks and I keep getting the 'what have I done?' feeling. All I can see for my future is feedings, nappies, crying and no sleep. I always see people say it gets easier and better but then see constant posts on MN about how it's still really hard 12+ months down the line! I feel trapped and hopeless even though I wanted this so much. I do love her so much but can't kick these feelings.

This feeling is totally normal. You do adapt xx

Can I ask what specifically it is that you’re struggling with? The lack of sleep? The responsibility.? Crying? I’m due my first and just want to try and understand xx

I remember feeling this way as well. Some days I still do! I think it's quite normal, especially around the 1 month mark as it doesn't feel quote as special as it did at the very beginning. It must be extra difficult at the moment, I really feel for you.

And as they get older it does get easier in some ways, and harder in others. I have a 6yo and a 2yo and they're both challenging but not like a newborn. They sleep better than they did then, there's less nappy changes and less crying... but they can also be cheeky and stubborn and never sit still. As a PP said, you do adapt.

If it doesn't get better in a few weeks or it feels worse, please speak to someone about it. I hope things start feeling better soon, and congratulations!

@vinoelle The lack of sleep is definitely one of the hardest things. I thought I was tired during pregnancy but I was SO wrong... it's not so much the crying but the crying is usually caused by baby being over tired and fighting sleep which means we're both awake for longer, I think I get about 4 hours sleep at the moment, maybe 5 if I'm lucky and grab a nap in the afternoon. The part that gets me is how endless it all seems, the last 4 weeks have been the same day on repeat, add that to the 3 months of being in lockdown and out of work with nothing to do since I was heavily pregnant. I also have no family close to me to help with some of this, I have my husband but he's working. It's all very overwhelming.

I HATED the newborn phase. Hated it. Im not having a second because I hated it so much. Its utterly relentless and you get absolutely nothing back from your baby. It really does get easier though. I think at around 8 weeks my son got easier to put down for naps, and feeds got shorter. Night sleep became better after that. At 16 weeks it was easier again because he was able to entertain himself for a bit under the playgym. I think you mourn your old life, I did anyway. My baby is still only 19 weeks and ive largely got used to things now. I think you see all those other posts about it being hard down the line at 12months+ because its never plain sailing. I think its important to know that. There are little challenges along the way at every stage, but in my mind nothing compares to how awful the newborn phase was. For example, ive come to realise that 4-6 months is a tricky age because they're wanting to explore the world around them but they're not mobile yet, so they get grumpy and frustrated. Then later down the line you'll have weaning problems/teething/toddler behaviour etc etc. Im rambling a bit, but I suppose my point is that despite other issues down the line that can be tricky to navigate (hence the posts on here), nothing compares to the relentlessness of a newborn. Hang in there, your baby will be totally different in a month or two.

I felt the same as you with both my babies. Around 6 weeks I hit the deck with my first. Remember crying to mom telling her I had made a massive mistake. As pp's have said, you do adapt. Mine are 6 and 3 now and whilst some days are complete Groundhog Day and I count down the seconds til bedtime, the random hugs and complete belly laughs they give me are amazing. Being a mom is bloody hard work. Hard hard work. And the shit show that 2020 has been hasn't made our job any easier.

@anon1387 sorry to hear OP! It is hard. It's not anything you can ever prepare for. But yeah, make sure you do tell someone! HV, partner, friend, or even a helpline. You need to speak about how hard this is.

PND is something to look into, it is very real and can be worked through.

To make you feel nicer, it does change for better. It's only as hard as we make it (I know this sounds stupidly condescending but mindset is a lot). What helped me on dark days (and mind I am the most positive person ever) was getting out. Getting coffee, sitting in a park on a bench with my phone, and the buggy (and a sleeping baby!!!).

I’ve always said that if you don’t want to send them back several times in the first month you’re doing well.

It’s a huge life change, but it does get soooo much easier at 6 / 12 weeks and by 6 months it’s totally different.

I was on my own with husband at work with no family help, but it DOES get easier!! Everything changes, nappies get less then go away, feeding gets shorter, naps get longer and a pattern so you can gain some control.

Hang in there, this IS the hardest bit. Mine are 7 and 3 and I’m confirmed as somebody who really isn’t bothered by babies, toddler plus is more me!!!!!!

In France the 4 week mark is known as "the wall". The surge of hormones that got you through birth and the first few weeks goes and you're left exhausted. It gets better it really does.

The first three months are horrendous. 'Torturous' was the word I used a lot. Completely normal to be scared you have ruined your life and want to give her back. I honestly felt both. People don't talk about how common this experience is, which leaves you feeling worse.

My daughter is nearly six months now and I promise promise print you everything is so much better. Still hard work and I still miss my selfish old life sometimes, but honestly my little girl is brilliant now. Took us a while but we got here, and you will too.

I had a challenging baby with reflux who wouldn't nap and is a fussy feeder always crying at the breast. I also thought it would be tough forever and missed my prior life. I remember that at 4 weeks I barely had time to eat and certainly almost no time to shower. However, it does gradually get better. My baby is now 17 weeks old and I have worked at getting him to have longer naps, etc. He's completely different. Babies change a lot over time and it gets more rewarding when they can engage, smile and laugh. At 4 weeks, it is repetitive but soon the baby will do more than feed and sleep. You are at a gruelling stage at the moment.

I also have moments of missing my pre-baby life. It's only natural.

If you are feeling really down, it could be baby blues or post natal depression? I hope you have some family support around you to help

How much support are you getting from your husband?

It is awful in the early weeks and time goes very slowly but it does get better. Take it a day at a time and do anything you can to survive knowing that it will change. Turning points for me came at 8 weeks, 4 months and 6 months, but the change was gradual. Don't hang in for a miracle at 12 weeks or you might be disappointed.

I felt traumatised by the newborn phase to the point where I couldn't look at photos of that time without crying. I'm just over 1 year on from that and it's a distant memory - but I'm never doing it again!

It will get easier really soon - the newborn phase is hard, but much more so with your first; you're adjusting to having constant responsibility for a whole other human, and that's an enormous shock. I remember sleeping while my husband took my newborn for a walk, and then waking up and weeping that they'd soon be back and it would start all over again! It's very normal to feel like you want to run away at this stage, and it DOES change very quickly, I promise - it just all seems chaotic and forever when you're four weeks in.

Make sure you speak to the HV and get support, though - even if you/they don't end up thinking it's PND, if you can find a good HV to lean on, they're like gold.

Hang on in there, OP, and keep posting for support.

@anon1387 I'd also really, really recommend shoving the baby in a sling if you can and getting out for a couple of walks a day. It feels SO much more manageable if you get out of the house and feel like normal life is continuing. Can't imagine how mentally difficult it's been for all you new mums with lockdown x

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. My DD is 6 months now, I’m a FTM too. I just want to echo want others are saying. I don’t know how it is after six months, but I can tell you from a little further down the line, it is so much better now. My DD makes every day joyful, even when she’s teething or having me up half a dozen times a night - there’s still so much joy. I felt exactly how you did to begin with - the first four weeks are utterly horrifying, especially if you’re breastfeeding and even more so if you’re having any difficulties with feeding. I don’t think anything can really prepare you for it. But it changes, it gets easier, you get used to it, your baby becomes a lot more interesting. The thoughts you’re having are so normal. Talk as much as you can to other mums - on here or in real life. They are such a source of support and they will understand you like none of your child free friends, or even your partner. You are doing an amazing job.

New borns are like little jailors! And you feel like you will never get out. But it passes very quickly. Once their little personality starts developing, and you start to build up a personal relationship, it all gets so much easier

The newborn phase is relentless! It's a neverending cycle of feed-wind-change-sleep repeat. And if you're unlucky (like me with ds1) the sleeping bit is very short! You also don't really get anything back from a newborn but once they start laughing/developing their own little personality it gets a lot easier. I would say really take care of yourself: eat well, rest, sod the housework (as long as you shove clothes in the washing machine every so often and there a clean dishes to eat from then forget about all the rest), take some time for yourself when your partner is around (even if it's just 20 minutes to shower or bath) and you honestly will get through this! It feels endless now but in another 4 weeks it will be different and in 4 months everything will have changed. I do honestly think some people either forget what newborns are like or had super easy babies because I don't think anything compares to that endless, sleep deprived, hormonal state you're in after birth, not to mention the total and utter dependancy of a newborn. Things will get better!

Just adding my voice to say I hated the baby phase (and some of the toddler stuff - yes, they are cute, but oh my, they are SO unreasonable!!).

My very very experienced HV said to me at the 3 week mark with DS1 who cried A LOT 'Don't worry, most babies get so much better at the 6 weeks mark' and all I could hear was 'ANOTHER 3 weeks of this?!". It was awful and while he is now a delightful 17 year old I can still give myself palpitations thinking back to quite how bad his crying was. Most unsettled baby. With hindsight, I am sure I only got through it because I did not know any better.
NB I had DS2 exactly a year later, he was premature and there were all sorts of health concerns, but he was the easiest baby, ate, slept, pooed, repeat.

anon, hang in there.
The correct answer to anybody saying 'let me know if I can do anything to help' is 'Oh yes, could you held the baby while I shower/go for a walk/shout in to a pillow on my own in my room'.
Help is there but you are going to have to reach out for it - speak to your HV, your GP, your partner if you have one, your family if you have one, your neighbours (an older neighbour saved my sanity when she started coming every Thursday and taking DS1 away in his pram for an hour or 2. For many weeks that was the only time I washed my hair that week).

Consider whether you might be at risk of post-natal depression?? Depression is quite different from being unhappy/exhausted/completely thrown by the life change a first baby is, but one can turn in to the other.

Do whatever you can to be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. Remind yourself in many cultures the first 6 postnatal weeks/40 days are a time in which the new mother and newborn are protected from 'normal life', get to have a 'baby moon', rest and get to know each other.

Oh yes, get a sling. And co-sleep if that helps you to maximise on everybody's sleep. There ARE safe ways of doing it.

Honestly I think the first 6 weeks is the hardest; once they start smiling and interacting a little more it feels a lot better as you’re getting something back. For me the 12 month mark is when it started feeling a lot better but over that year it got a little easier with every month and I got more into the swing of it.

My kids are 2.5 and 5. I look back on the newborn days and shudder. Yes life is still relentless and often stressful and boring all in one, but you couldn’t pay me enough to have another baby. And all the things that made it bearable and kept me sane - baby group, coffee with other mums, soft play when my eldest was a toddler are not available now.

Honestly it does get better!

It’s a normal feeling. It gets easier and easier and better and better.

Totally normal. I felt completely suffocated by the lack of respite and could feel the walls closing in from about mid afternoon onwards.

You basically have to go through a period of mourning for your old life, which was probably quite nice. And you probably think you hate your new life. But it won’t always be like this, even if it feels like it now. I felt a weight lift as the weeks went on. It’s gets easier when they go a bit longer between feeds, when they sleep for a longer stretch, when you get your evening back, when they finally fall into a routine... I even had another one a few years later! Not doing it ever again through

Hi,
I'm a FTM and felt the same!
Had quite a tricky first few weeks, terrible silent reflux and constant crying, wind, etc. This resulted in night upon night of NO sleep. I cried daily for about a week! I was a zombie. I was so in love with my baby and didn't want anything bad to happen to them, but I was also thinking... Am I going to be this anxious for the rest of my life?! Am I ever going to sleep again?!
To cut a long story short, those days are now a complete blur. I am so upset that I couldn't share my baby with others and have family help out like normal and missing out on this support at a very emotional time.
Lots of people will say this.. But it does get easier.
For me, sleep got better once reflux was sorted. I really was going bonkers at home on my own, hubs at work, and no help with a baby that couldn't sleep and was ill every time he drank milk. I felt like I couldn't cope or wasn't a very good mum as I couldn't settle my baby.
I started to feel more human again once I could sleep a few hours at night. I would go to bed when baby goes to bed. In fact, I still do this now! That way, I am always getting a good chunk of sleep. This helps massively.
Remember, newborns need feeding constantly. Soon, they can go longer without a feed and it shouldn't feel so draining. I remember trying to breastfeed, with no luck. This stressed me out a lot. I then tried to express at least 8 times in 24 hours. Again, this stressed me out as I just wasn't producing nearly enough milk to sustain my milk monster. I put too much pressure on myself.
Hope things start to feel more normal for you soon.

Very very normal. But if you are struggling to shake it off it could be a hormonal reaction and it might be worth keeping an eye on yourself as post natal depression is pretty common, is no failing of yours if you get it but really needs help to sort out as it can cause havoc by giving you issues in that needn't be there otherwise.