"Making a rod for my own back"

[Elliedh]

OK, this will be a bit long. Sorry in advance.

I've got a 4 month old DS. He's wonderful, amazing, gorgeous, but a bit high needs! He can never just 'be' on a playmat for example, he'll stay on it for maybe 5 mins before he cries to be picked up. I spend lots of time devising entertainment for him, toys, games, songs, you name it! His daytime sleep is somewhat OK, 3 naps a day at 2 hour intervals, two short naps and one longer one over lunch (most of the time, sometimes lunchtime nap ends after 40 mins and i can't get him back to sleep). All naps in his cot as he wont sleep anywhere else.

My dad and his wife visited at the weekend and both seemed to think the amount of time and effort I put into DS was both hilarious and excessive. The phrase 'making a rod for my own back' was used several times. Mostly I think thry were a bit exasperated that I said going out for lunch at the particular place they wanted was difficbecause we wouldn't be back in time for DS next nap.

Im doubting myself now. On one hand, I get it. I am essentially tied to the house, trapped by the nap as it were. Other mums with babies seem to make their baby fit in with their lives, where as I have adapted my life to suit my baby. On the other hand DS is usually happy and well rested, and we do go on short outings for walks and things. Nothing practical gets done during the day though, any housework has to wait until DS is asleep for the night.

My mum says that when I was a baby she just put me in my pram in the front room and got on with her day, checking up on me every now and then. Sometimes i would be asleep, sometimes awake. I appreciate parenting styles have changed, but I just couldn't do that with DS, he screams the place down if I leave him alone for longer than it takes to maybe go to the loo!

Slings/carriers have been suggested and i have tried, but DS hates them all. I've hired 4 different kinds and ge just arches and cries trying to get out. Again, when I told my mum thus, she just said he'll just have to cry then, he'll soon get used to it. Again, that phrase, 'making a rod for my own back'.

I'm a first time mum and generally quite anxious anyway. Now doubting everything! Am I being weak by giving in to my baby, or meeting his needs? I no longer know!

It's something they were taught when they were parents, my DH was told not to keep picking up our newborn by his DM.
Just smile, nod and carry on. For what works for you both and remember that we know more about secure attachments now

The only time you're making a rod for your own back is when you let them hit or similar without repercussion IMO, and he's nowhere near that yet.

*Do what works

I think if it's working for you, it's fine. But to be honest it wouldn't work for me, and as they get older it's harder to get them to be flexible if you're concretely routine-led. If i were you I'd work on pram naps and the sling, being trapped in the house will get old pretty quickly!

Hi OP. I have a 20 week old and life sounds fairly similar. I dont believe in just letting a baby cry whilst going about my day, but I do let my son grumble a bit if something needs doing. I dont think im doing him any harm in that.

Does your son like the carseat, or will he sleep if pushed around in a pram? I ask because I used to feel 'trapped by the nap', but now I time whatever I want to do with a nap, so he'll sleep in the carseat on the way to/from where ever it is. Hes only just got used to the carseat though after I forked out for a new one (he HATED the one I used to have), and its been liberating really.

As pp said, smile and nod. Babies change very quickly so what you do at this stage won't 'spoil' them.

My baby was very high needs and couldn't be put down for a second in the early months. She's a lovely 1 yo now, very independent and a great sleeper. Things change.

Playing with your baby is not making a rod, it's what your baby needs. My DD wouldn't play on her own at that age but was happy to do it when she was a toddler. I had people tell me that she wouldn't be independent but she's now a very independent little girl. His naps sound good but it could work out better if you can encourage him to nap not just in his cot to give you more flexibility but that's up to you.

I visited DM and she apologised for picking DS up while I bathed DD. DS was crying in his cot, she then said that she knows he needs to learn that we can't pick him up all the time. I replied that if we can pick him up we do. Obviously with 2 children I do have to leave him crying at points but I wouldn't do it if I could avoid it.

He's only 4 months - he'll get there. DS1 was quite like this - once he had a bit of mobility and could follow me/make his way around he was much better - he'd just pootle around the house after me, or playing with bits.

Mind you, even as a toddler he preferred playing with me (or someone) than playing on his own. Now he's 10 and I can barely see him some days, so as annoying as I know it sounds, enjoy it while it lasts!

I don't think you can make a rod - I think different babies have different personalities, and I'd prefer that my children know that if they need me, I'm there (within limits now they're older and it's time for some independence).

Haha, yes, just leave the baby in the pram to its own devices. Why not 🙄.

Seriously, though: my DD was like this briefly. Essentially during the time that she would be awake for longer, but not be able to play/grab because she was still developing that skill.

I concur, it was horrendous, as I was also trying to work at this point. DS and DD2 were/are better off, as they have siblings to watch or who'll bring them toys and they don't suffer from low muscle tone, which made the in-between phase longer.

As long as you leave baby to play once he's up to that, then that's fine. He'll learn to play on his own.

It's not a crime either not to want to tire baby out because you want to go for lunch. Baby sleep is important and you don't mess with it. Some babies will sleep anywhere and others won't. It's a fact of life and it won't last forever.

So basically, tell them to jog on.

My first dc slept brilliantly but needed her naps and schedule. Dc 2 was more flexible and would sleep anywhere or skip his nap and be fine. I think rather than making a rod for your own back you are responding to the child you have.
Why does your Dad and his Wife feel like criticising your parenting is okay?

I think it kind of depends on the baby tbh.

My first is like yours, couldn't be put down, only napped in his cot or on me, wouldn't nap in the car or pushchair and I was well and truly trapped by the nap. We couldn't miss a nap or all hell would break loose. He was half happy and smiley and half grizzly monster. He's still like it now, if he's up too early and can't get back to sleep then he's an utter knob the next day. But he is gorgeous and funny and despite some of the tantrums, the happiest little soul.

But with my second (9 weeks old - I do know things could change), well it's like night and day. He doesn't cry, except when I've missed the hungry ques and he wants his bottle NOW, but other than that, nope does not cry at all. He will happily lie in his crib or chair when awake whilst I potter about, and he will nap in the pushchair, the car, the bouncy chair, the crib in the living room, his cot in our room, the sling, our bed etc. He's just an easy baby, it's nothing I've done, it's not because he's "learnt" or "got used to it". It's just the way he is. So I can imagine if you've only ever had easy babies you might think that other parents are ridiculous for "pandering" to their kids. Luckily I had the grumpy baby first as I'd have got the shock of a lifetime the other way round 😂

Also he's only 4 months old, it gets easier the old they get as they go longer between naps and you can fit things in around that. Once DS1 was down to 1 afternoon nap the world was our oyster! We'd go out first thing for a walk/park/soft play, have some lunch then home for nap time.

I know someone whose almost 4 year old still naps, but only in her bed. It's so awkward trying to organise to do anything with them at the weekend as her nap is smack bag in the middle of the day and for at least 2-3 hours, so they all like to have a family nap 😂

I don't think what you do at 4 months has any bearing on what you will be doing in a few months time, so certainly not making a rod, but maybe living a bit more of a constrained life.

If you're happy to do it, crack on. In a few months time baby will be far more interested in crawling round exploring then in been entertained anyway. By 1 they'll be down to 1 nap, so you can go out for longer, and by 2 might have dropped naps altogether. So you'll end up in the same place as everyone else whatever you do.

However if your not ok been tied to naps at home, that's ok too. It doesn't mean you have to force baby into anything they hate, just keep experimenting until you find something that works for you both.

Neither of mine would sleep in a pushchair, but DD sleeps really well in a sling (I know this doesn't work for you). DS also didn't sling nap but slept in the car, so for for about 6 months all days out involved a drive at lunchtime (to a nice picnic spots generally). I also found at around 8 months, mine became more tolerant of the pushchair, especially if you gave them a snack to keep them distracted until they dropped off.

Bit of a ramble there but my main point is just find what works for you, and ignore the comments.

Having had 4 children, 1 was high needs, needed me every 5 mins and screamed blue murder... I hate crying and if after a few mins he got himself in a rage then I'd have to see to him. I had similar comments, next 2 children were more laid back in nature. 1 would fall asleep sat upright and always slept through... Didn't do anything different, the other one was quite placid but wouldn't take a dummy and turned into being a bit shy. 4th one, likes to come into our room at night still at age 2.5 years but is quite confident and handled pre school earlier than my others.
So really, I haven't changed anything I have done, it's just down to natural personality... And if you can't stand crying then you respond to them quicker, just depends on the parent.
Don't take anything that family say to heart, do it your way and remember everyone has an opinion, but not everybody has the experience of a high need baby!

Oh wow, he's 4 months. He doesn't have the mental capacity yet to remember what it is you do, so you're certainly not going to be creating bad habits (or 'rods'). Outdated nonsense.

With regard to the nap thing. It depends on you and your baby. Some people are not happy to be routine led or 'tied to the nap', it doesn't work for them. I have two children and I'm a sahm, which does make it easier to maintain a home based routine because I've never had childcare or work to worry about. Eldest was a stickler for routine, only napped in her cot but napped well and more importantly was an amazing sleeper at night. I was reluctant to do anything to disturb that, and didn't. It inconvenienced me occasionally BUT more than it inconvenienced me (missing the occasional lunch etc) it meant that I pretty much without fail got two hours peace in the day to myself and evenings to ourselves because the baby went to bed easily and slept well. The moaning I contended with as a result of my refusal to disturb her naps or bedtime worried me at the time and I had all the stupid Rod comments too.

She's now coming up five, obviously doesn't nap anymore and still sleeps well. She asks to go to bed at 6:30pm and sleeps until 7am.

Second child, I was willing to be more relaxed with and when she was tiny (up to about 6m) I was. I'd just chuck her in the pushchair and she'd sleep wherever we were no matter how noisy it was. Lovely. Then she got a bit more aware and like her older sibling, would only sleep in her cot at home. So we're back to being tied to the nap. Second child is nearly two now so she won't be napping for very much longer, and I'm just going with it. I now have two hours a day to play 1-1 with the older child and again, we have our evenings back and this one also sleeps 7-7.

So I would do what works for you and what you're happy with and sod what anyone else thinks. If it stops working for you then change it. They're babies for a short time and the nap stage will be gone before you know it.

Crikey I would never have survived being tied to certain nap times and locations. DD had no discernible schedule and would scream when I put her down anyway. Got our first decent ergonomic buckle soft carrier at 4 months and that was a lifesaver- especially back carries so I could crack on with jobs or walk while she slept or watched over my shoulder. Carried on with sling naps until she was 4ish and gave them up! And carried her generally in the sling until she genuinely got too big for the one with the 55lb weight limit. She was still carried occasionally at 6 or 7 which saved us some serious problems when she was in the throes of an autistic meltdown and couldn't walk. The sling was her safe place.

Top tip is to get a good one (nothing sold as suitable for newborn will work as they get bigger) where they face you (either front or back carry) and can snuggle in to hide or nap as appropriate. And when you first try it, get moving! In the sling and straight out for a good long walk. The motion and changing scenery distracts them from the new sensation of being in a carrier and they soon love it. Hardly ever used a pram for DD as she was miserable in it, but happy snuggled up against me.

Miss those days - she's nearly 10 now and didn't sleep until 1.30am last night. If I could have taken her for a bedtime sling walk I bet she'd have slept within minutes!!

Sleep will always be up and down throughout the years. Continue to play with your baby, housework can wait. I was quite routine led with my babies, but equally I wouldn’t necessarily let it dictate my day, so if lunch was suggested I would have gone and worked out naps around it, but everyone is different. I was quite strict with my first, with my 2nd I had no option but to be flexible, with 2 under 2 life was hard enough 🤣. Overall the 2nd is more laid back

I am having this at the moment. Often being told to put her down. MIL telling me that she needs to work out her night and day ASAP; even though she's only a week old. I am trying to nod and smile and I just say oh we're not there yet. It will happen.

Pah. Ignore. You’re doing great. It’s what is working for you - if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. Having a routine was the only way I could cope. It kept me sane.

These are precious days and it sounds as though you are enjoying them. There’s no making rods - that’s such bullshit.

Before you know it you’ll be awake in the middle of the night crapping yourself because A level results are being published next week. I read posts like this and it takes me straight back to those days. I can’t tell you enough to just do what works for you. It’s working.

Enjoy every moment.

You are doing what works for your baby. If you are ok with it, stick with it.
I had one that wouldn't be put down. Thankfully he liked the sling. He never slept either.
Hes now 11. Still likes cuddles, still doesnt like sleep, but is generally a happy, independent chap. Do whatever works best for the immediate family- and by that I mean you baby, Dad and any siblings. Not what the grandparents think life should be like.

Thank you everyone, so much of what you have said has rung true for me!

Truth be told i would like to be more flexible with my day, but haven't worked out how to do that yet without having a crying, overtired baby by the end of the day.

Also just to say that my parents are annoying but well meaning (and great people). They think they're giving me helpful advice (they're not).

I always find it easier when they get to over 6 months as the weaning plus more predictable sleeps on 2 or 3 naps a day make it easier to know when to go out. But I wouldn't have risked going out to lunch if it was nap time and I knew my baby would need extra help to sleep etc. Mine seemed to prefer napping in the car seat on the way to places but it would be hit and miss if they stayed asleep during the move from car to buggy... I'd take a different place or time to eat, over a grumpy baby for the rest of the day.... Or you could do as they had planned one day and then hand baby over to them for the afternoon 😁

Omg..... are you me??!! You literally just described my son! We had to do exactly what you’re doing, he didn’t cope with “being flexible” or sleeping on the move. We had to schedule our day around his cot naps or we paid big time for it later. Just do what you need to do. Yes, it’s a bit restrictive at times but ultimately you’re doing it to have a happier and well rested baby. Plus I have friends who’s kids only napped in moving prams..... guess which one of us endured nap time in rainy winter more!!!

*enjoyed not endured

O know that the phrase 'rod for your own back' is universally hated on MN, and for a 4 month old I'd agree. However, there does come a time when children need to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. For me, that was when I returned to work and needed my sleep. So I sleep trained and night weaned. Done and dusted within a week, everybody happy.

I don't believe you have to be ruled by the nap so much but depends on your kid. My baby sleeps fine in her pram. But it's different with lockdown, your baby has got used to a very solid routine.

I was worried that she wouldn't adjust well to going out now... Considering she's in her pushchair and all but i find ages still ok.

Obviously all babies different. But i don't believe in just abandoning the child to get on with housework. Uhm no, babies bed interaction to develop their brain. I was with my baby 100% of the time.