Feeling like I have missed the boat!,

[Daisz]

Does anyone else feel totally bewildered at having missed the boat with the close bonds that are formed at antenatal class?

My dd will be 3 in September and I did attend antenatal class however due to work commitments I attended a slightly later class than I should have for my due date, I ended up missing the last class because dd came slightly earlier than expected.
Anyway I wish someone had taken me aside and told me just how important these classes were for forming close bonds with other mothers. It seems that Facebook is a wash with friends and mutual friends falling over themselves to arrange meet ups with their antenatal peers, all now so ever more important since they missed eachother during lockdown. I have met mothers through various groups, but a lot have made it plain that when an antenatal buddy pitches up, one must make themselves scarce. Am I just being naive? I am now pregnant with baby number 2 and I really wasn't going to bother with more classes, but if this is really the only route to forming any type of bond with anyone, then perhaps I may need a rethink!
Thoughts would be lovely.

I have friends I met through NCT. During Mat leave we met weekly. Now mat leave is over I see on regularly, would like to meet maybe 2 others more but lockdown put a stop to that. I also have a friend I see regularly who I met at baby groups, and had another who I met at baby yoga, but unfortunately she now works full time so meet ups are hard.

Antenatal classes were great, but I think it’s just as easy to make friends at baby classes too :)

I’m not in touch with my NCT friends any more; we spent time together during maternity leave with my first DD but we just didn’t have that much in common. I’ve recently had a second DC and live in a new area and have met some mums both through my DDs nursery friends and a local app

Making mummy friends at anti natal classes would have been my worst nightmare, so I think you are definitely not missing anything. It depends on what your own circumstances are though, do you feel particularly isolated?

Deffo not missed the boat OP. I never did NCT, didn't really 'get it' tbh.
When DS1 turned 1ish I started taking him to a few regular church hall type playgroups and met some mums that way. Before lockdown I'd see them at playgroup and usually a playdate a week too.
You do have to put yourself out there a bit though.

Dont believe Facebook! If they feel they have to show off about it, it probably isnt a routine part of life

During maternity leave, I saw the NCT crowd most weeks. But I haven’t seen any of them or spoken to them in well over a year, and in all honesty it fizzled pretty quickly after maternity leave ended, particularly once some of them started on 2nd babies. My DD will be 4 in September. My mum friends now are from toddler groups and activities - sure there’s more of an age difference, but DD will happily play with kids a year older or younger as the age difference doesn’t matter so much now, and having similar interests is much more important.

I also think that there aren’t many that do antenatal classes for the 2nd baby, so I suspect even if you joined a group you might be rather an outsider.

It's not long to go until your DD starts school: the friends I made at the school gate feature much more in my day to day life now than my NCT peers.

I did NCT and as PP said it fizzled out after maternity leave. It was toddler groups in the local area I made friends.

Don't worry, I did too & in the end it quite irrelevant. School relationships you make are much more important. Children don't remember who they played with as babies & toddlers. Whereas you can both make friends for life at primary school.

I think NCT do “refresher” courses for second (or later) time parents - my friend did one because she had moved areas after her first child and specifically wanted to meet other new local mums. Because it’s aimed at non-FTMs she met others who also had toddlers so it was great for her.

I did make really good friends from my NCT group, but also really close to a neighbour with a baby a few months younger and someone I met in a baby massage class, so antenatal isn’t the be all and end all.

I'm the kind of person who worries about having no friends so I always make a massive effort to try and meet new people.

I went to my ante natal class and was the annoying one who asked everyone for their numbers to make a WhatsApp group as I was so determined that this was how you make friends. The chat lasted until we all had our babies and then died a death and I was pretty gutted that it hadn't taken off.

Then I joined a baby massage class when DS was about 6 weeks old. Again, everyone there all swapped numbers and met up regularly during mat leave and I thought I had found my people. Then they all went back to work whilst I was a SAHM. Contact dwindled and though we do still message occasionally, I hadn't seen any of them for ages pre lockdown.

We moved house 2 years ago and I was still a SAHM at that point so I joined some toddler groups. The friends I've made there are probably the closest ones I have right now. Will it last? Who knows, especially as we're intending moving again before the end of the year and I'm now back at work, but I intend to make the effort to keep in touch.

My point is, you will make friends at various points. I'm sure when we move I will make a massive effort once more and once we're settled and DS starts his new nursery and then school and activities, I'm sure new friendships will follow.

Don't panic!

I'm still close friends with one last from NCT but most of my mum friends are actually people I met at my mother-baby fitness classes instead.

I suppose I am feeling it because my dd will be having a birthday soon, and I have literally no one to invite in her age group, so a bit of mum guilt. Also I have been told by three individual people that I can't be included in their "meet ups" because it was antenatal specific. I did get quite friendly with one mother, but she made it plain I had to do a disappearing act if she happened to bump into a NCT friend as they would be things they wanted to discuss alone. That made feel slightly uncomfortable like I was back in the playground, so I distanced myself. I suppose at the time I did not realise it was such a "thing" and feel like or rather dd is paying the price now.

I’m a FTM and just had to do my NCT via zoom, due to lockdown. Tbh it was a complete waste of money and I don’t think any of us will keep in touch

OP those people sound like twats. You are much better off without them.

It can sometimes be a really good thing. I’m still friends with some of my NCT group and DD is 20! You may strike lucky.

I'm still in touch with my NCT friends, but we don't meet often since two have moved away and one has since had twins so finds meeting up impossible with a toddler and two newborns . Hoping she will reappear sometime when the logistics get a bit easier since I like her a lot ! But I know what you're saying because, despite being a mismatched group with not a lot in common, we sort of 'belong' to each other all the same...

I have around 8 friends with children with whom I meet up regularly (every few weeks or so). Two are old uni friends, four I met at baby classes, one I got talking to at a breastfeeding clinic and the other one we met in the playground.

My experience is that you have to be a bit less 'British' about the whole thing and treat it like speed-dating. For every fifty people I've met since having children (we've done a lot of groups/classes), I've probably stayed in contact with two or three and am good friends with one.

You need to be a bit more ruthless about it:

• Step 1 - identify friendly-looking mum who has a child similar to yours in the playground. I have a naughty, boisterous two year old, so there's no point in trying to make friends with the mum with the shy kid staring at your little hooligan in horror .
• Step 2 - engage in conversation to see if you can stand talking to each other for more than five minutes.
• Step 3 - say you're new to the area and looking for playdates because your child is lonely. Ask if they'd be interested in a playground trip at some point (neutral territory).
• Step 4 - swap numbers.

The worst that can happen is that they think you are a weirdo and back away politely...

she made it plain I had to do a disappearing act if she happened to bump into a NCT friend as they would be things they wanted to discuss alone.

That is so incredibly rude I'm speechless.

I didn't bother with NCT - I didn't see the point - we met a few parents at an initial evening thing and they were guardian reading "I don't intend to let my child play with weapons in case they turn into serial killers" - so NOT our kind of people. we knew we were having a c section and NCT pushes midwife led practically free birthing 🤣 - also something we wouldn't have in common with the NCTers it's also expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Also in my area most mothers don't work and I'm the main earner so don't have that option so didn't see the point in using as an expensive friends dating service

My DD met small friends at her Childminder's and again at pre school. At her age she's really
Not going to give a stuff who is and isn't at her bday party

You definitely haven't missed the boat. My babies were all born too early for me to make it to an anti natal class. Luckily I was able to go to a post natal group organised by the HV and met people there. Most of us have grown apart but funnily enough we're bumping into each other again as our kids start secondary.
Most friends I've met from school, or one from post natal group who then went to same preschool and school.

@ivfdreaming

I didn't bother with NCT - I didn't see the point - we met a few parents at an initial evening thing and they were guardian reading "I don't intend to let my child play with weapons in case they turn into serial killers" - so NOT our kind of people. we knew we were having a c section and NCT pushes midwife led practically free birthing 🤣 - also something we wouldn't have in common with the NCTers it's also expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Also in my area most mothers don't work and I'm the main earner so don't have that option so didn't see the point in using as an expensive friends dating service

My DD met small friends at her Childminder's and again at pre school. At her age she's really
Not going to give a stuff who is and isn't at her bday party

Just to say for anyone else reading this that NCT absolutely does NOT push “midwife led practically free birthing” (as that poster would know if they had actually done a class). We had a whole session on c sections and 4 out of our group of 7 had one (2 planned and 2 emergency).

@Indecision2020

Clearly my post was tongue in cheek! And yes it was made very very clear when I discussed NCT with the midwives that their preference was for non c section births with minimal drugs.....

So was it tongue in cheek or do you believe it’s true because the midwives said it?!

Either way it’s categorically not true, as you can see from their website.

@Indecision2020

I was TOLD by the midwives who discussed the NCT that only 1 section would be about c sections - the majority of the rest was preparation for "normal" births eg breathing techniques etc therefore I was TOLD that in my situation since we knew early on we would need a c section that we wouldn't find large parts of it relevant and certainly not for the ridiculous amount they charge for the classes

That’s fine, so you weren’t being tongue in cheek then?!

All I’m doing is confirming for other people reading this that you (and the midwives who said that to you) were wrong about that.