To ask you when life with baby gets easier

[2020ns]

I'm a first time mum to a 15 week old baby.

I've been coping okay with everything up until now, but I got to this weekend and suddenly feel frazzled. I think it's hit me just how deeply tired I am.

There's just so much to do all the time - looking after baby first and foremost, keeping the house presentable, a constant never-ending flow of laundry, trying to keep in touch with friends from LBB (life before baby), which I'm doing very badly at. DH and I split a lot of the work but I still feel exhausted.

We're off on holiday soon and the amount of organisation involved with a baby is just overwhelming, not to mention how daunting it is that he'll be in a completely different routine and sleeping in a strange new cot, which could potentially be very unsettling.

If I'm honest I'd rather just stay home than face all of that and the potential sleep disruption to myself when I'm already totally knackered, but it's too late to cancel now.

I know people say that something's got to give, but the only thing I could do less of is the housework and that to me is essential - mentally I get very low if I'm surrounded by mess and untidiness.

I also thought that things were meant to get easier around the three month mark, but that hasn't happened - if anything DS is crankier and cries just as much as ever. I've no idea what's causing this - I've had him examined by the doctor and there's nothing physically wrong with him. He naps quite well in the day usually too (with a lot of intervention from me).

DS slept from 8pm-4am yesterday so it's not like I'm not getting any free time. But it still all just feels so endlessly demanding.

Not sure what the point of this post is really - I just needed somewhere to vent. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

@dementedma thats a really unhelpful and thoughtless comment, especially to someone whos clearly struggling

That's completely inaccurate Dementedma and as scream says really unhelpful to someone struggling. I struggled massively with the baby stage and when people told me it was the easiest stage it just filled me with despair. As I said previously my DS is 4 and I have huge amounts of my life back and what I don't have back is actually better as I get to do loads of fun activities with my wonderful DS.

My apologies. I struggled hugely with my first so I do know what it is like. I have 3. No offence intended but it is easier when they are older and independent. Of course it does.

It is always hard work. Eventually you get use to the lack of free time we all had before children. I have a range of ages when they start nursery and school is the time when we get consistent time away under usually curcumstances. This covid period has been hard with schools closed. My friend told me teens are worse with leaving things messy , eating all the food and endless washing and worrying were they are so guess when they leave home and we can get the time back to ourselves and less washing, ironing, cooking cleaning and mess . Kids who'd have em 🤣🤣🤣

@dementedma

My apologies. I struggled hugely with my first so I do know what it is like. I have 3. No offence intended but it is easier when they are older and independent. Of course it does.

Why did you have more children if you disliked them being dependent? Seems pretty cruel to me.

The getting easier is gradual. And there are tougher patches along the way that crop up occasionally. You sound quite lucky with sleep so far, fingers crossed it stays that way. Tiny babies are mentally draining because of the endless repetition. They get more interesting as they get older.

My DD is 3 and I recently went to a farm park with a friend who has a 2 year old. We were both really enjoying how little you need to bring for a day trip once they can eat normal food and are reliably potty trained, it’s brilliant! Also had a couple of toddlers over to our garden with the paddling pool out - we just sat in deck chairs and relaxed for hours on end as they played together. Bliss.

However, it won’t ever be the same as before children. You always have to factor them into your plans, and some things are much more complicated - the need to get a baby sitter that you are happy with, or to be home by bedtime. The disruption to your sleep if they are ill. The MESS (yes, I know I should get my 3yo to tidy up her toys. And she does, but she has the special awareness of a 3yo, so the door doesn’t shut and I have to redo it after she’s in bed...).

dementedma I made a comment like that the other day and got shit for it too. I know what you meant. No biggie.

Just to add the toddler stages and upwards have their own challenges but for me the early baby months will always be the hardest due to sleep deprivation. After 1 they also get a lot more fun which balances it out a bit.
Also this isn’t to be nasty but mumsnet is full of people who hoover and clean their toilets every day and that’s fine for them but it’s also fine if you don’t do that; I genuinely know no one in real life who does that (I’ve asked my friends).

Easier with every milestone. Sitting up at 6 months improved things then crawling at 10 months then finally walking. Now he's a delight... though still exhausting! I didn't feel myself until I returned to work though.

I’ve been coping better since baby has been in her own room.

She’s usually asleep by half 7 so I blitz the house for half an hour like a ninja, every evening ready for the next day. Then having a couple of hours in the evening to relax is a life saver!

I'm so sorry to say but for me those early days were a breeze compared to when my son started crawling then walking at 13 months. He's 18months and It's so exhausting now. Just non stop but he's not old enough to play "proper" games... Hes just obsessed with the same 5 books I read them 15-20 times a day. I really miss the days where I could sit on the sofa feeding and watching Netflix!

I had friends who found the newborn stage horrendous so everyone is different but for me I'd say appreciate the time when your little ones needs are just milk, sleep, nappy repeat.

Vent away! I’m 18 months in and felt exactly the same as you when my DS was around your DS’ age. In the end I think I just got used to it. Things are easier in some respects but harder in others.

The thing about going away - you are just looking after a child in a different location so I felt exactly the same as you but then I went on holiday and realised it’s really nice to have a change of scene, especially if you are going somewhere scenic or staying in a nice hotel/villa etc.

Every age comes with its up and downs. I thought the newborn stage was hard at the time, now my DD is 13 months and I've never felt more run down in my life! Needing constant attention 24/7, climbing onto everything she shouldn't, fighting bed time every single night... it's exhausting but it'll pass.

Try to accept that things won't be tidy and organised for a long while, maybe declutter some things so there's less to sort out everyday?

OP I sympathize. Personally, I find in retrospect it definitely gets easier as every week passes. You just have to look at the bigger picture (hard I know), not the day to day screams and non sleeping. You will get a lot of ups and downs like teething, sicknesses, regressions for the first year or two. But the overall trajectory is that with every passing week they get more curious, more easily engaged with toys, more interactive, more smiley, and that changes everything.

My first (now 4) was a horrible screamy baby who was never happy until about 5-7 months. Then at 6 months he could be entertained for a few minutes in the Jumperoo. Weaning was the next stressful bit for us... but then he was much more of a delight once he started walking and talking at around 14 months.

Just saying it will all pass, there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

I was very meticulous about routine with both of my babies, and although things are easier now, I think I did myself no favours early on. I would turn down things because they would make my babies/life more difficult short term but my friends that just 'went for it' stayed way more sane in the early years. Please try to do the holiday, even if for only 10 minutes it feels like a holiday and the rest is a drag. The most important thing is that you still feel able to do things. Soon your baby will be older and, of course, things get way easier. Just try to get out of your comfort zone every now and then so you don't end up being boring like me !

With my second child 4 months was the magic figure for me. That was when I emerged from the fug of blurriness. Can't actually remember anything during that time.

TBF with my first it was really easy. I just slept when she did, and it was never really hard.

It gets a lot harder, then it gets easier by about 2-3 as long as you agree to their every whim, otherwise still harder.

My 15 month old is much much easier still than my 3 year old (during the day at least) but my 15mo is much more challenging than she was at 3mo. Now she still doesn't sleep, but gets into mischief too.

I'm sorry, this is a marathon and not a sprint.

I think the key thing is sleep tbh.

If you have a baby that starts sleeping longer stretches as time goes on, then you are likely to start finding it easier as you'll have more rest and energy for the day.

If you have a baby that is well over a year and wakes as much as when they were a newborn or more (which is still pretty common) then adding on returning to work, chasing them round, less naps and their newfound ability to try and kill themselves, then its much harder. My toddler has done 8-4 twice in her life, and didn't sleep until 4am yesterday.

So yeah, it depends. But you do get better at coping most of the time.which helps.

Gosh some of the replies to this are so dispiriting!

OP, it really does differ for different people but a lot of people do find the very early days the hardest as you get very little back from young babies so it should get easier as times goes on. I have a 16 month old and I would say from 6 months onwards things have gotten more and more fun.

The whole ‘holiday with kids is just looking after them in a different place’ thing is nonsense - of course you can have a great time. Yes it will very different to a pre-baby holiday but it can still be a lovely break if you go with a positive attitude and don’t spend the whole time dwelling on the fact that you don’t get to lie into 11am.

The thing with babies is everything is a phase. In a couple of month, your baby will be very different from how they are now so try to hang in there xx

I remember doing so, so well when my baby was a newborn. Like a duck to water. But hit a low point about where you are now. For me, it got loads easier when he got to about 9 months. Now he’s 18m and so much fun.

When ds was 4 it became much easier. I'm a single parent now and we had always travelled extensively as a family , which I carried on when I split from his dad. He's 6 now and we've been so many places together just me and him ,its dead easy .
I do think though , it took me those 3 or 4 years to finally come to terms with the fact life is different now and that's why it became easier!
Holidays and travel is totally different to what it was before I had him and I go to places I would never have even considered before, but it makes for a less stressful time

For me 'easier' isn't as helpful a narrative as 'better'. It wasn't so much that the work decreased, but more that he became more and more rewarding and more and more fun. A newborn gives so little back that the work:reward ratio is really crap; a toddler isn't necessarily less work but they're so much more fun and rewarding that the ratio improves considerably.

Ignore the people who tell you that the newborn bit is the best bit. That might have been true for them (in which case, sucks to be them because it doesn't last long!) but saying it to a struggling new mother is so cruel that you can tell that they have nothing of value to add and presumably just enjoy getting other people down.

Give yourself a break. Let the washing pile up. Dont worry about the house being massively presentable. Stress is a large part of what's going this to you. You are tired yes, but you have a lively baby, try and spend some time enjoying him and not worry too much about these things.
Docs tough tot ip of what you might need for holiday. Chuck nina tube of travel hand wash so if you run out you can just rinse stuff through and you'll be fine. A change of scenexwill ge good for your mind and it wont be as bad as you think. Admittedly its not a holiday as they used to be but leave the housework as such and do the packing. Dont over think it. Dont worry about meeting other people or even ringing them at the moment (send them a postcard instead). Its about realising you have yo changecthexway you to things once you have a small baby and not trying to do everything and more ho to sleep when the baby has a nap even if it us 11am instead if tidying up. Youcexworked hardxand been sleep deprived for months you need it, also make sure you are eating proper food with decent nutrients (or take a good vlmultivitamin) as you could be running on empty too. Holiday will be a nice break. I hope you enjoy it.

I understand you not wanting a house that's a tip OP. I'm the same and even when I had babies I couldn't bear piles of dirty dishes or dirty laundry or stuff everywhere. People who can tolerate that don't understand it at all, but other neat freaks do!

As to when it gets easier - in increments is the answer. The first six months is a bit of a blur in my memory (my DC are 12 and 9 so it was a while ago), but by about six months you're getting the hang of it a bit better. The exhaustion didn't change until my DC reliably slept through the night and that happened at nine months both times, because that is the point at which I cracked and sleep trained them! It only took a few nights and my god it changed my life - I could finally sleep and as an adult that is what you need. Until that point I was a bit like a zombie.

As for the holiday, no it won't be the same as pre-baby - tbh it never will be again and I'm sorry to have to break that to you - but 'holidays', especially when DC are small, just aren't. A change of scene can be nice though and hopefully your DH will pull his weight. If he doesn't, tell him to bloody well step up.

Tbh it doesn’t get easier until they become more independent and aren’t as demanding which is around 4ish BUT you do get used to it and it becomes the new normal if that makes sense. Babies get easier but then they turn into toddlers and that has new challenges!

I really struggled with the adjustment after my first dc and everything just seemed like such hard work and needed so much planning it was exhausting but as I say eventually you adjust and your expectations change. By my 2nd dc I was already in mum mode and it was much easier.