Failed breastfeeding

[Sarahb1991]

Hi,

I only managed to feed
My first child the first couple of feeds and was worried she wasn't getting enough so switched to formula, I have beaten myself up about this ever since and she is 3 now, has anybody been in a similar situation as everybody I seem to speak to keep saying it is not a big deal, it really is to me!

Xx

It's not a big deal, forget about it. Is she healthy and happy now? Can you tell which other kids were breastfed or formula fed?

Oh sweetheart. You haven't failed. You did what you could with the information available to you. If you've never breastfed before it's so hard without experienced support to tap into.

You can telephone the breastfeeding support lines at any time for a debrief. They aren't just there for people having problems feeding. They are there to listen.

It matters to you and I'm sorry you didn't have the experience you wanted. But you are a fabulous mum and your baby loves you.

For the love of God, I hate things like this. I hate that some of society makes new mothers feel this way!!
You HAVE NOT failed in any way, shape or form!
You feed and nurtured your baby. She’s three now so you clearly did well!!

You've not failed, there's a huge industry that aims to make people believe their milk isn't good enough and it's been going on for a long time.

If your child is happy and healthy then you haven't failed at all.

Am I thinking way too much into this?

@Sarahb1991

Am I thinking way too much into this?

Yes. But you can’t help how you feel.

It was a huge deal for me, I tried tongue tie op, supplements for milk, begging the GP for a medication that increases milk flow (it wasn't the main purpose of the drug, only a secondary thing so she said no), I even bought this contraption with tubes which us supposed to encourage the baby to suckle. By 3 months of combined they were on 100% bottles and I felt so awful. I was in tears at the BF clinic when the woman next to me had a 'problem' of too much milk, and every picture of BFing set me off. I kept thinking if I was in a 3rd world country my babies wouldn't have survived. If I could do anything now I'd go back, happily give them bottles from day one and enjoy every second of the feeding, because the babies were perfectly happy! It really really doesn't matter. Fed really is best

I tried breastfeeding but the pain was unbearable for me and DD was unhappy with it too. She had a tongue tie and even cutting it at 5w didn’t help. I expressed until she was around 3m and then switched to formula. I still feel bad about it now and I’m going to try again with DD2 (due in September).

We shouldn’t feel bad though.

@Sarahb1991, if you would like to speak to someone about this then you could consider phoning one of the bf helplines. They are not just for people who are currently bf - they'd be happy to talk to someone about their past feeding too, without any pressure.

I also 'failed' with my first two children. It was the advice to mixed feed that set me on the path to formula and I didn't have the same support I had with subsequent children who I have managed to breastfeed. I even overcame a week of mixed feeding, which makes me think I might have managed with the first two.
Bit late to breastfeed them now lol and thankfully we live in a world where there is a substitute for breast milk should it be needed.
It's about giving the DC the best you can manage. You can do that for your daughter now in the way you choose to feed her ie foods that grow naturally rather than ones out of packets.

Should I be reassured that she got some colostrum at least?

I think every time you breast fed should be counted as a success. Those early feeds are really important so definitely be positive about that. 'Mummy guilt' is a really difficult thing - if it is not how you feed then there is often something else - I felt guilty that I had a c-section with my first but then learnt to accept that if I had not have had a c-section then either me or ds1 could have died,

We can never be the 'perfect parent' as we want just have to be 'good enough'.

Do you really think so? I'm 36 weeks with baby no 2 so I don't know if that is making things a bit harder emotionally? Do we always feel guilty about something? I know that she is healthy and bright and that should be all that matters, I am worried she will love me less because of it too, most of my friends have bottle fed and don't seem to know where I am coming from with this. I think it helps knowing that I am being irrational but it's hard to put it into perspective x

I think the combination of pushy breastfeeding promotion and lack of support leaves a lot of people feeling like this.

What if I manage to feed this baby, will I feel even more guilty? X

No one can tell you how you'll feel. This is a new baby with their own ways and needs.

I remember meeting one lady with her 9th baby. Her first 8 had breastfed beautifully. Baby 9 was really struggling. As a parent we need to adapt our parenting styles and techniques to the child we have in front of us. It's great to have plans and want to do things a certain way, but sometimes our children have other ideas.

If it's important for you to want to try and breastfeed this baby, try and use the next couple of weeks to research local breastfeeding support options.

If you prefer to go with what you know, that's fine too. This is your baby and your choice.

Who cares! It really doesnt matter!

I also never managed to breastfeed despite really wanting to. There were just too many things working against us!

It has really upset me at times when other people talk about doing it themselves. But ultimately, I ended up with a well fed, happy baby.

I do think though, if baby number 2 ever happens I will be even mor determined to breast feed this time!

Do not beat yourself up about the past. You made the right decision for your baby to ensure that she was well fed.

OP it's OK for this to matter to you. Some mums have a strong preference for how they feed, others don't and neither is wrong.

Mine didn’t even get colostrum. Four separate midwives failed to get any from me. She’s now a happy, healthy 20 month old and you couldn’t pick her out in a line up of her EBF peers.

Looking at the children in my class of eight year olds, I haven’t the first clue who were BF and who weren’t.

Please don't feel bad, your DD has the colostrum which is the most beneficial part anyway. The first few weeks are really hard, give yourself a break and don't dwell on it, your DD is fine.

Regarding giving your baby breastmilk, don't feel guilty if you decide to go this way. Lots of mothers FF their first and BF their second, it's fine. I've only had one child but apparently it's a lot easier to breastfeed the second and generally mothers are a lot more confident.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

I breast fed my first child, formula fed the second and breast fed the third. I struggled a lot with breast feeding but managed with no. 1 and 3 but just didn’t with no. 2. I have the same bond with all three kids, they are all healthy and no one would know which one was formula fed if they did all the tests in the world on them.

Give breast feeding a go with your second child, don’t stress too much about it. If it goes well then keep it up, if not, you could mix feed or formula feed. Babies just need to be loved, fed, and kept warm and comfy.

Also, it’s completely normal that you have all these feelings about it. I felt awful about not breastfeeding my FF child, it wasn’t till later that I realised that in reality it was fine.

Feeding your baby is one of the first (and main) things you do for them in the first few months and so it can seem so so important to do it exactly as perfectly as you had planned. In reality you actually have 18 years of parenting (and feeding them) ahead of you and how your child is fed in their first few months is just a tiny part of that.

I breastfed my first child for 7 months and he was miserable on my breastmilk (I was one of those women with the "problem" of oversupply- it really is a problem!!). The moment we switched to formula at 7 months old, he was a million times better and much happier. In my case, formula feeding would have been the right thing to do from the start, and breast really isn't always best. Don't best yourself up about it. A lot of the breast is best stuff is propaganda. What I hate most is the pressure placed on women to breastfeed, the the lack of support to help you actually do so. You haven't failed at anything and I bet you're a much better mum than me! :)