Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

A way to discipline dd if she starts misbehaving during play dates

26 replies

Givemeabreakpls · 26/07/2020 20:43

Can I ask for some advice as to discipline when at friend’s houses or when friends come to us? My 6yo dd has started to get very disruptive during these situations (Not every time, but I’m starting to worry whenever we make plans with others) and I find myself warning my friends that we may have to leave early, which I feel sets the wrong tone for the visit for everyone. It’s even worse if people come to our house, I get so nervous. Should I warn, then simply follow through and take her home? Or, if a visit to our house, take her friends home? (No doubt to astonished parents!) I absolutely hate being the parent who has to up and leave, or have to explain why we may need to - I often then spend the next ten minutes having to chat about her behaviour and what they think might be wrong with her or what I’m doing wrong. I don’t want them to see her as a potential problem all the time and I don’t want her thinking she has to come with a health warning! Is there a better/ more productive way to deal with this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Topseyt · 26/07/2020 20:48

Yes, you follow through and leave to go home if you are at friends' houses.

If you are at home then put her in her room until she is able to behave. Friends' children can carry on playing. They don't have to leave.

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 20:50

Just leave if you have to. Don't pre warn, it sets a stress sort of tone before you even begin.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 26/07/2020 20:51

@Topseyt

Yes, you follow through and leave to go home if you are at friends' houses.

If you are at home then put her in her room until she is able to behave. Friends' children can carry on playing. They don't have to leave.

Just what I was about to say.

You don't have to explain to anyone, as presumably they will have seen her behaviour.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families General parenting

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/07/2020 20:52

Does her behaviour warrant going home? At 6 years old she’s old enough to be punished once home and remember why.

HotPenguin · 26/07/2020 20:53

Could you not give her a two minute time out rather than going home? That might help her calm down and control her emotions.

NerrSnerr · 26/07/2020 20:54

What is she doing? Are there any other punishments before being taken home?

FindingNeeeeemo · 26/07/2020 21:17

I would do a quick time out on the first offense then go home if its repeated.

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 26/07/2020 21:22

nerrsnerr she seems to get frustrated and then starts to become very angry, it’s all vocal rather than physical, so she’ll become very rude and start backchatting, shouting, crying that I prefer the other child to her and generally rather unpleasant. We’ve discussed it often, and I’ve tried to explain to her that I understand that she gets frustrated but she needs to stay calm - I’ve actually suggested that we have a secret word that she can say to me when friends are around so that I know that she’s had enough and needs to leave , that worked yesterday when we were out with others. Once she’s got herself into a state there’s no calming her, I could cry sometimes. I’ve tried taking her to one side or asking her to stay in her room for a few minutes to calm down but she just seems to get worse and incredibly angry - at the moment it seems that the only way to deal with it is to get her out of the situation completely, which is embarrassing for everyone. She’s a lovely little girl and can be very sociable, but sometimes it feels like she just can’t cope with being around children for too long. With adults she is absolutely fine, and school haven’t noticed any issues with her behaviour there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 26/07/2020 21:24

I’ve found it’s worse when friends are at our house, thinking about it. Those can be bad times for her.

OP posts:

Lougle · 26/07/2020 21:28

Do you think that perhaps the play is too 'free' for her? Perhaps she'd cope better with a supervised activity? For example, 'let's bake some biscuits with Lydia.' That would give you the opportunity to make sure you give attention to both girls, which would reassure your DD.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 26/07/2020 21:29

At 6 yo I was leaving my DD during most play dates at her friends and vice versa. Her behaviour improved enormously when I was not there. Not sure if that would be doable, it depends on what friends carers want too. And yes, if you are at home, send her to her room.

I did take my DS home from a few play dates, which did work. And I had one conversation in front of him with a pre - warned mum that he could not go on a play date because he wouldn’t behave. I think we rearranged a date for a couple of weeks later on.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/07/2020 21:30

How is she with play dates out of the house eg. At the park?

Tonkerbea · 26/07/2020 21:31

I don't have advice, but lots of empathy, my 6 year old finds playdates difficult. It's like she turns into a different child.

PolterGoose · 26/07/2020 21:31

I would look at ways to make play dates positive and enable her to have happy play dates, as, for whatever reason, she's getting stressed and anxious and struggling.

A couple of ideas:

Make play dates shorter, if she starts up after an hour, make play dates 45 minutes. If she can manage 2 hours then make play dates an hour and a half.

Have a snack break or planned activity for just before when she's usually get stressy.

Chocchoc2020 · 26/07/2020 21:33

Following with interest. The same happens with my DS who is 5. I don’t enjoy taking him anywhere anymore 😳

Lougle · 26/07/2020 21:37

Ooh yes, you've reminded me that DD3 used to get incredibly 'hangry' at that age. It was to such an extreme that I had to talk to her when she was calm and agree with her that if I said 'DD3 eat!' she had to eat whatever was in my hand. Similarly with 'DD3 drink!'.

She was beyond all reason when she was hangry and that simple agreement meant that I could get a little bit of orange juice and a biscuit into her. Within 5-10 minutes, she would be her lovely self again. It was like a sugar crash - she just couldn't regulate herself.

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 26/07/2020 21:42

Out of the house play dates are generally much more relaxed - and yes shorter play dates are a great idea. Again I feel like I should explain to the parents (both those who are staying and those dropping off) that it’ll be a short one - is there a way of explaining this that doesn’t make my dd sound like a nightmare child? I feel so awful having to ‘warn’ people but a lot of our friends or her friends’ parents would find it surprising that I have to call it a day after an hour or two, most want to come over or meet up for a full morning or full afternoon. As I type I realise that I am sounding extremely neurotic about this but it stresses me so much! I am worried that I’m starting to create a lot of negative energy around meeting friends and I perhaps need to stop overthinking, just tell people it’s going to be a short visit and that’s it.

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/07/2020 21:46

Just say “we’ll be round about 2 as we have to leave by 4 to pop in on my mum/ aunt/ sister or to pick something up”....don’t overly worry or elaborate

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 26/07/2020 21:54

Thanks all, some great advice and no judgement which is actually a real relief!

OP posts:

Fishfingersandwichplease · 26/07/2020 22:28

My dd used to play up more at home than at someone else's. I would have a word with her before you go to tell her what the consequences will be - start with a warning, then time out, then to leave. My daughter would be mortified if she had to leave anywhere before her mates so thay would def shock her into behaving. If it helps, she doesn't do it any more so should just be a phase x

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 27/07/2020 10:01

Does she actually want the play dates and is she choosing the children? Is she saying can Grace come to our house to play, and you then arrange it, or are you setting them up for her without her asking?

Branleuse · 27/07/2020 10:06

Maybe shes not enjoying the playdates as much as you think she should be. How many children are usually involved. She might be getting quite overwhelmed with the noise and action.
What does she like doing?

Divoc2020 · 27/07/2020 10:08

DS (now 18 ) used to get completely overwhelmed at playdates and hated having other kids round at ours 'touching his toys' etc.

Was later found to have dyslexia and processing/sensory issues - not very good at managing the unexpected and all the hustle and bustle that playdates can bring.

Sounds like you're doing the right things - perhaps keep the playdates short and sweet.

MorningManiacMusic · 27/07/2020 10:14

At 6 and NT she's definitely old enough to receive and understand consequences for bad behaviour.
Are the "playdates" all a bit too much like "organised fun"?
Definitely relax it a bit. Ask her if she'd like to invite X to come round and play for a bit.
You said she's worse at her own house- because she's used to getting her own way, it's her territory and she's marking it. (It's OK, it's fairly natural to be like that, but at 6 she should be acquiring the more "welcoming/sharing" skills. )

peterpan765 · 27/07/2020 13:51

I think shorter play dates and ideally out of the house - e.g park Would be better ?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread