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Original poster

does anyone have an unpopular kid?

34 replies

user1493039269 · 26/07/2020 17:57

Just that really - does anyone have an unpopular kid, how old were they when it became apparent they were unpopular, and what do you do to support them?

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Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 17:58

Define unpopular, is it a friendship issue?

modgepodge · 26/07/2020 18:40

This is sad 🙁 what do you mean by unpopular? I’m a teacher, must have taught 100s of kids over the years and while there’s always some I can see as ‘popular’ (and often I can’t really work out why!! - not that they’re horrible or anything I just can’t see why everyone wants to be their bestie) I can think of very few who have no friends or are actively disliked by lots of children. The only one I can think of who the other children really didn’t like was so disruptive and badly behaved that the others just were frustrated (and there was some untreated SEN so it wasn’t entirely his fault). Some children only have 1 or 2 close friends but I wouldn’t say they are unpopular. Some struggle with making close friends, generally get on With most but no specific best friends. Again, not sure I’d say unpopular though?

WeMarchOn · 26/07/2020 18:43

My daughter is the token Autistic kid that everyone ignores

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lunar1 · 26/07/2020 18:51

My eldest has a good group of friends right now, but I really worry how the transition to senior school will go for him in September. He has very different hobbies to his peers, this will only widen as he gets older.

clopper · 26/07/2020 18:57

Yes I have an unpopular DD of 16. Always on the edge of friendship groups, often left out of plans. She is kindhearted and now just doesn’t trust people. I suspect she has some asd personality traits and she can be quite quiet and a bit aloof. She was bullied by social exclusion and body shaming ( naturally very slim) which has resulted in very low self esteem and an eating disorder. She gets on much better with younger people and adults rather than her peer group. It was in Year 7 when I first became aware of some of the exclusion. We just try and build her confidence and talk about things but she is often reluctant to open up. To be honest her part time job has been a godsend and she seems more popular and confident through working. I am hoping uni will be better for her but am also worried that we won’t be around. It’s so so hard to see them upset.

CrocodileFondue · 26/07/2020 18:59

My nephew is quite immature and although he's a lovely kid, he's seen by his peers as the annoying one who no one really wants to be friends with. It makes his mother very sad but his dad doesn't seem to think it's a problem.

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/07/2020 19:01

The popular kids in DDs school year were all horrid backstabbing each other trying to outshine each other show offs.

She just wasn’t like that. She had good friends.

thunderthighsohwoe · 26/07/2020 19:09

I wasn’t popular at secondary school, due to being rather ugly. No one was actively unpleasant to me (to my face) though, luckily, as my younger sister quickly became queen of the school.

I would never have breathed a word of this to parents, it was too mortifying. Be careful bringing it up, if you are thinking of doing so OP.

ChateauMargaux · 26/07/2020 19:25

My eldest was quiet and bookish and his year group were quite simply just not his type of people. When he went to secondary he found his niche and now has a lovely group of friends who are clever, sporty and really nice kids.

My middle child always preferred the company of boys and at one stage was totally ostracized at school which was awful. They boys enjoyed her company but didn't see the importance of including her in their social structures while they were happy to hang out with her one to one and she just didn't have anything in common with the girls, I remember her asking for help as one of her class mates was over to play and they needed help to find common ground. Now she has a small group of friends but still prefers one to one interactions and the company of boys. She finds things other people want to do so she can spend time with people she likes even if she doesn't enjoy those activities. I would say, she struggles to just be herself and find companionship in that. She finds school difficult as people are too annoying, too noisy and just don't follow the rules.

Kaiserin · 26/07/2020 19:28

Make sure you tell them that how popular they are among other kids at (I'm assuming teenager) does not in any way define their value as a person. Point at classic examples, from fiction (e.g. Harry Potter spends most of his time being unpopular) or reality (can't think of anyone famous right now, who was an "ugly duckling" at school, but it's really not that unusual)

OhioOhioOhio · 26/07/2020 19:34

This is really sad.

BrieAndChilli · 26/07/2020 19:35

How old is your child?

DS1 has ASD, and because he was so intellectually ahead of his peers and wasn’t interested in playing or running around he just wanted to read he was not popular and had no real friends. He wasn’t unliked per se but equally wasn’t (and still isn’t) bothered about hanging out with friends.
When I’m he was little obviously we did do lots of play dates and meet ups as I had a group of friends and we all got together with our kids.
Year 3/4 when people start doing play dates minus parents and parties stopped being whole class etc DS went on no play dates or parties.
Then year 5 a couple of the other boys had caught up with him in interests and ability to have a conversation/debate on subjects that DS was interested in. Those couple of friends Were lovely and for example one went to the rugby for his birthday but as he knew DS didn’t like sports he arranged a seperate birthday sleepover with DS.
He’s now about to go into year 8 and has less than a handful of friends. During lockdown he’s barely spoken or texted anyone. But he’s happy which is all that matters .
DD and DS2 on the other hand are much more sociable

autumnboys · 26/07/2020 19:41

Ds3 (10) has ASD and lock down has been quite eye opening in terms of how indifferent most of the other kids are about him. He seems largely unbothered and he does have one really good friend. I am worried about secondary school in 2021, as the friend Is unlikely to go to the same secondary (catchment issues).

Raimona · 26/07/2020 19:42

I was the unpopular kid. I worry that it’s genetic and my DC will be unpopular too.

gracepoolesrum · 26/07/2020 19:48

@Raimona same here! Not bullied as such just poor social skills, quiet and mousey. Your daughter reminds me of me @clopper . I think for some kids adolescence is just to be endured sadly. Things improved for me once I went to sixth form and university, I made some close friends at uni who have been my friendship group ever since.

northstars · 26/07/2020 20:00

I was unpopular (very quiet and didn’t have many friends) and my mother made it very clear that she disapproved of the way I was. That only made me less confident and even more withdrawn. Is your child actually unhappy? If they are happy, please don’t make your DC feel that there is something wrong with them and try to accept them as they are

Herja · 26/07/2020 20:02

I was the unpopular kid. I quite liked my own company actually (when people weren't being dicks anyway) and still do far prefer being on my own. I think the most important thing is to make sure that a child with fewer (or in my case none at some points) friends, is to make sure they have found pass times and activities that are good alone too.

Whilst it is good to find friends, and try to meet new people at different things, you can't actually make people like you. I tried many things as a child and teen, most of the time, most people just didn't like me. It has been helpful to have the things I enjoy the most, also being things that don't rely on having anyone else to take part. I have more fun on my own most of the time. This meant that while I have spent my life often alone, I have very rarely been lonely.

cantstopsinginglittlebabybum · 26/07/2020 20:03

My son was unpopular at his old school. Lots of nastiness. Him sitting next to the playground attendant smiling at other kids to try and get them to play with him or ask him to join in.

He has asd and adhd. It breaks my heart to think of him like that at his old school at playtime and lunchtime.

We moved his school and he has a small group of friends in his year and a larger group of friends in the year below who he plays with. He's much better at his new school.

FeeBeeBooh · 26/07/2020 20:05

DC1 just finished year 7 and has been really unpopular not made a gang name calling for being nerdy & geeky.
Yet wasn't a problem in primary & had a good group of friends.
Lockdown & school closure was a relief. I do worry about September & starting year 8 after such a long break

lljkk · 26/07/2020 20:08

Yes I had 2 unpopular DC. I was one, too.
Started age 6-8.
My parents failed to support me & I probably failed DC.
Sometimes trying your best is still a total fail.
Not unpopular any more once we each left primary school.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 26/07/2020 20:21

@WeMarchOn

My daughter is the token Autistic kid that everyone ignores

Yeah, mine too. I find her fascinating - but I'm not 8.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/07/2020 20:32

People are often judgemental about anyone different.

Children can be horrible about it.

LazyDaisy10 · 26/07/2020 20:54

My ds is 14 and has no friends. Hasn't spoken to anyone since lockdown, no texts/ calls nothing.
I find it so sad, he seems happy enough but I'm dreading him going back in September.
My dh tries to take him out and do things with him, he stays with grandparents and uncles/aunts for a change of scene. I've tried clubs but he never sticks to them. He doesnt like sport which is what most clubs seem to focus on. I just try and let him be himself and support him the best I can. He gets on better with adults than his peer group.
I'm quite introverted and enjoy my own company so maybe he does too

TheSunIsStillShining · 26/07/2020 21:10

The term is very vague.
Is my kid one of the popular kids? No. From grammar aspect this puts him in the unpopular category. Is he that? No.
So unpopular as in not the center of attention: yes.
unpopular as in not having too many friends: yes
unpopular as in being bullied, picked on,...: sometime, but is growing out of it as he goes into 5th form.

FindingNeeeeemo · 26/07/2020 21:24

I was, though at secondary I had one good friend and later a boyfriend.

My 8yo is. He has ASD and just doesn't get social "rules" - eg wants other people to join in with him but won't accommodate their ideas, will sit and read a book whilst supposedly on a playdate and so forth. He doesn't really notice as his classmates talk to him and he gets invited to whole class parties, but other kids don't really want to hang out with him 1:1.

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