Preparing DH to be a SAHD

[Wimbledon1983]

We have a three month old son. He has a chromosomal disorder - he’s doing really well in all ways including milestones but I want us to really be ‘on it’ in terms of stimulation to give him the best chance of not developing learning disabilities in the future. All advice says that this really helps.

My DH has had a run of very bad luck in terms of jobs. He had one lined up before Covid hit and they rescinded the offer two days before he was due to start. They have made vague noises that the job might come up again in December. He is applying for other stuff and trying an online business but there are few opportunities out there - especially those that would cover childcare costs should we both go back to work.

I am on maternity leave and the original plan was for me to go back after a year. Now I will probably go back in four months (if no luck on the job search) and DH will be a SAHD.

DH generally does stuff around the house when asked and is ok with the baby - better than most dads I know. But he doesn’t exactly take on the mental load and I think if left to his own devices might spend a lot of time leaving the baby to coo in his cot whilst he reads the news on his phone. I am quite a type A person and have historically down most of the organising of things - especially now with medical appointments etc which DC has a lot of. I also think he will be pretty miserable taking on that role- he’d much rather be working.

I’m getting really anxious about going back - both in terms of money and the baby, even though my job is reasonable. I know people on MN always say both parties should be happy with the SAHP decision but we just don’t have that luxury.

Does anybody have any advice as to how to prepare DH for being a SAHD? I know I sound patronising but I am really comcerned. Current strategy is to continually ask him to do stuff and to try and not be so anal about mess etc but that’s quite exhausting tbh.

Please go easy. DH isn’t hopeless and I don’t want to LTB. We’re just in a really tough situation. Thanks!

We did shared parental leave - I went back to work after 3 months and DH took over for the next 3 months before she went to nursery.

I am a very organised and practical person and DH is not, so I found it quite challenging. The only way to approach it (unless you want a divorce!) is a non-threatening way which empowers rather than undermines his parenting abilities. For example, I might say ‘so have you thought about what you might enjoy doing with X?’ rather than ‘you need to do things with the baby and not sit on your phone all day’.

Honestly though, you really have to step back and let him find his own way. It might not be the way you would do things, but that’s ok as long as they’re not actually harmful, which I’m sure they wouldn’t be. I realised it was basically my problem, not his, and required a shift in my expectations as well as a shift in his behaviour.

It all worked out fine and now we are genuinely equal parents with an equally good bond. He still does things differently, but that’s ok.

My DP and I both work part time and split childcare between us. He is a good dad but needs that push from me to actually do stuff! So I made sure he knew what days various playgroups were on/ arranged swimming lessons (dads love swimming) and he has a list if household chores that are his. I don't do them no matter what. And I have my own list. And I dont get too stressed if everything isn't perfect! Having a routine helped him and the kids! He falls apart a bit in the hols without structure

Make a list of everything you do in a day with the baby and a rough routine or signs to look out for re cues. At 7 months old though he won’t be able to just watch him coo and be on his phone, he’ll moan, he’ll roll and perhaps even crawl. Look at stacking toys, baby books, cheap fold down ball pits ( I got one and a paddling pool on a 2 for 30 quid deal at Argos), activity tables or a Lamaze high chair toy if activity tables are too expensive. Watch bookbug on youtube. Encourage them to play at the moment, all 3 of you could. Sing nursery rhymes.

Thanks both those comments are really helpful. I know a lot of what I need to work on is control from my part. I have an annoying habit of stepping in when he’s struggling or redoing it if he’s hoovered for example. I am really really annoying.

I’ve also started to just leave him to it for a few hours here and there which is building his confidence. I also think he’s just not that into the newborn stage because of the crying (obviously) and the mum boob dependence. He is amazing with slightly older kids in the family - a lot more patient than me in teaching them things etc.

Maybe I just need to reframe what I thought my life would be (I grew up with v traditional roles). I’ve been pretty successful in my career so far and I guess some women would really appreciate the opportunity to focus on that. I don’t know. In an hour I’ll probably starting feeling anxious again!!

DH is really good if I leave a list of some sort. Yes I know I shouldn’t, yes it takes me time etc etc, but I don’t mind and it helps him.

Also sometimes we google stuff the night before to find stuff for him to do the next day

But mainly, just the understanding that not everyone behaves the same way and will do the same things you do.

Just because your DH will do something differently, it doesn’t mean it is wrong or needs changing

Can you choose 2 or 3 activities a week and set expectations that he goes? Bookbug baby session at local library (assuming they reopen soon), a nice playgroup and a baby swim class or something like that? Baby music? Baby yoga?

You could pick the class together? There don’t abs to be lots of activities but setting routine of class/playgroup/book bug session and park leaves less room for misunderstanding.

DH became a SAHD when DS was 4 months old and it worked out brilliantly. However, pretty much all of the other SAHDs he met have been 'forced into it' due to circumstances (a bit like your DH) and they've admitted they wouldn't have done it if they had a choice... and perhaps because of that they never seemed to really embrace the role.

However - presuming your DH has really bought into this it's something that will almost certainly create a wonderful lasting bond between the 2 of them . I'm a bit like you and tend to try to over-organise everything ie I'm pretty inflexible so I really had to take a mental step back and accept that:

• DH will learn how to do things
• there is more than one way to do things, mine isn't necessarily the best or right way
• it doesn't matter how oddly my child has been dressed as long as he's fed and happy

Also, I made sure I took a bit of time at weekends to do some 'alone time' with my baby, even just going for walks/to parks/ sitting in a coffee shop having 'breakfast' etc

If you both embrace it you could really enjoy this time. Good luck!

I worked for when mine were little and they had nursery and a nanny for various stretches, and I cut back later when we could, I felt guilty but we all do what we have to. The care has to be adequate, you can get into a great career position in the next n years and cut back down the line, there isn’t a point where they don’t need attention.

Current strategy is to continually ask him to do stuff

He needs to start thinking for himself re. What needs doing. If you keep telling him, he will just keep needing to be told.

We were in pretty much the same situation a year ago. I just went to work and left him to it. He figured it out because he had to.

He does work in a different way to me. I clean/tidy/do stuff as I notice, he finds having set days to do things better, so bathroom on thursday, hoover on tuesdays etc.

He’ll adjust

@anon444877

Can you choose 2 or 3 activities a week and set expectations that he goes? Bookbug baby session at local library (assuming they reopen soon), a nice playgroup and a baby swim class or something like that? Baby music? Baby yoga?

You could pick the class together? There don’t abs to be lots of activities but setting routine of class/playgroup/book bug session and park leaves less room for misunderstanding.

If my DH had done this I'd have been furious! I tried baby groups, they really weren't for me and made me quite sad. I hated going and realised after a few weeks that actually I didn't need to. The baby was equally happy pottering with me as when I was woefully singing 'wind the fecking bobbin up'

Everyone parents in different ways. Don't try to impose your way on him. Ultimately he will find a way to make it work.

For me I took the baby to adult things like shopping, lunch, cinema (baby screenings), we went to art galleries and I travelled lots to see family.

The house was never immaculate but it would be mostly tidy and dinner ready for when DH got home. Some days either happened if we'd had an awful day, but we all survived.

DH is much more 'on it' than I am, but we've both learnt to adjust and find a way that works for us both.

I would sit down and have an honest conversation. 'This isn't what we imagined. It's going to be really hard for us both. What can we do to help each other?' And make a plan from there.

I initially left a little book with lists of things I had done in my day over a few weeks. Not to control but to fall back on if he got in a fizz. As it happens, he did different things to me, made loads of new friends that we still see with their kids and both DCs adore him still!
Wiping up Weetabix off the floor didnt happen but that was as bad as it got!
It worked for us with 2 under 3!

I have an annoying habit of stepping in when he’s struggling or redoing it if he’s hoovered for example. I am really really annoying.

At least you recognise how annoying that is.

If he is going to be a SAHD (does he actually want to be one?) then you let him do it his way in his own time. It might not be like you would do it but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

lots of advice on helping dh but it was your comment about learning disabilities that jumped out at me. I have a child with a chromosome disorder too so i totally get it, BUT please be aware that you may not be able to stop him having learning disabilities. Yes yes to doing very active parenting, but if he is behind as he grows, please don't feel you are to blame or DH.

Do you get any community nursing or specialist HV? Ask about portage but i think they have to be 6 months.

re husband, yes to writing down your routine so he can see and ADAPT it. Yes to making sure he has him fot increasing periods of times. Does baby have additional care needs and can dh do them?

wall diary for all appts and letters sttached as he will need to do them..

any online support groups if your ds has a diagnosis that he can join?

Maybe I just need to reframe what I thought my life would be as a mom of a complex child, this is something you def both need to do

He will feel very isolated and the stigma against SAHDs is immense. For his own MH, I’d try and find him a friendship group of other SAHDs that he can text and chat and eventually meet up with once Covid over.

He will need a support network that is not you.

@PlanDeRaccordement

He will feel very isolated and the stigma against SAHDs is immense. For his own MH, I’d try and find him a friendship group of other SAHDs that he can text and chat and eventually meet up with once Covid over.

He will need a support network that is not you.

Not our experience AT ALL. No stigma. Accepted into activities. That's not helpful advice.

My friend was a SAHD and he found the same as Plan. It might not be the case for everyone but some SAHDs may feel isolated, like some mums do too of course. My friend went to baby groups and hated being the only dad. He often felt singled out for being different - praised for being a SAHD or left out of mum cliques for the same reason.

So I'd make sure he has time on his own to meet with friends and family, covid allowing, or do some activities on his own to relax and protect his mental wellbeing. If there are any dad groups locally then maybe steer him to these.

@Todaywewilldobetter

Glad to hear it was not your experience, but not every SAHD is as lucky as you think. My DB in the US is a SAHD and his experience has been very different. He would go to play groups to be told it’s a “moms group” and not really for dads to attend. He was at a playground with his daughter and a woman called him a pedophile, told him to leave and threatened to call the police. His neighbour stopped talking to him and when talking to his wife, encouraged her to leave her “jobless bum of a husband” and similar comments. Most times when he went out and about he’d get comments from acquaintances about “what kind of man let’s his wife support him” or “I wish I could find a sugar mama”

Even aside from that, there are many articles written by SAHDs expressing all these types of things and the isolation and lack of support they feel.
Stay-At-Home Dad Unite: Coping With Stigma and Isolation (18:38)
www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/13647/volumes/v35/NA-35

SOCIAL ISOLATION; IT’S A DAD THING TOO
Social isolation and the stay at home dad (video)
dadbloguk.com/social-isolation-dad-thing/

5 Stay-at-Home Dads Share Their #1 Biggest Struggle
www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/2164610/stay-at-home-dad-struggles-stigma-isolation/

Have to say my sahd friends struggled to settle into groups and he's fairly thick skinned /oblivious and very friendly and chatty. I think add in a baby who is complex and might be "behind" the other kids and I'd def see if you can, with his agreement, buddy him up with a friend you've made, name or female.

Thank you all, and sorry to be slow in getting back to you.

@SleepingStandingUp I completely agree on adjusting how I see things with a child with special needs. I think as so many other less ‘big’ things are going on atm (and I class unemployment as that to be honest) I am probably anxiously focusing on them. I am finding it so hard to strike a balance between being grateful that he is doing so well now and not being naive / preparing myself for the future. We’ve known since I was 25 weeks’ pregnant so this is an ongoing battle really. Do you have any tips in that department? We’re waiting on our local community therapy appointment and have a supportive health visitor so far. Also very plugged into the London clinic for his syndrome. I didn’t realise there were specialist hvs so will ask about that, and we’ll get onto portage when we can.

@PotteringAlong no he doesn’t really want to be a SAHD which is the problem really. And I don’t want to be the main breadwinner. It’s circumstance which has driven us here unfortunately. Bloody covid.

Sorry @SleepingStandingUp didn’t answer your other question. No additional care needs currently. He will need a ( not major / not open heart) heart surgery a few months after I go back but I will take some time off for that. He may have vpi which is an (again comparatively minor) palate problem he will need speech therapy for but we don’t know for sure yet. Mainly it’s taking him into loads and loads of monitoring appointments and blood tests which is a bit of an ordeal and requires a lot of organising and chasing people up

Do you have any tips in that department? DS was diagnosed at 4 weeks and lots of people told me what he wouldn't do or probably wouldn't do, which ranged from survive to not having a learning disability. I tried to absorb their view of our future life then act like I'd never heard it.
We're lucky that we have specialist HV here (they aren't everywhere and DS came home from hospital on o2 and NG feeds) and community nurses for his NG and o2 who were amazing. Everyone expected to walk in and see an absent child starting into thin air. Instead he had these huge dark eyes and a grin. Our postage woman only ever saw what we COULD do so we did the same. At 2, still none verbal, on o2 and OEG fed, we could have applied for alexia school but we took a leap of faith. He's 5,about to go into Yr 1, still on o2 and partly PEG fed but he's middle of the class in mainstream education. Learnt to talk from about 3.5, which massively improved how others saw him in terms of attainment. So never say never, push him to be the best he can be because he's perfect already.

If he has no external "tell" in his appearance then at least people will accept them without awkward questions but then if he is delayed people can be such dicks with the "oh petunia knew her alphabet by 9 months and took up basket a month later, she's the lead in swan lake at 18 months, the 15 year old are quite jealous!" so thick skin needed. There's nothing wrong with him, he's just picking it up in his own time.

I went to a special play group but because actually his presentation is quite mild, when he started walking, when he could eat orally, when he started talking and going to mainstream school, I didn't feel like we fit. But then we've spent months shielding, he does through periods of hospital after hospital appt, he has physical stuff he needs help with at school due to the o2 so I don't really fit the either so it can be lonely in the middle.

Sorry that's very long, I'll shut up now 😂

Oh the good thing about all the bloOds etc is that when I have to hold him down for minor stuff (injections etc). I'm fairly chilled as I've pinned him to the bed for far worse 😂

@Todaywewilldobetter People need to be realistic though.

As a lone Dad I have very rarely been welcome at toddler groups, at many it was just a case of being ignored, at others the mums would actively move their child/ren away from me/my son, others were verbally unpleasant to my face. I’m sure most of the mums were nice, but in groups strong characters tend to set the tone. The only groups that weren’t like that was one run by a man and one that was for children with additional needs.

Doctors can be rude, I’ve had consultants suggest I book another appointment so my sons (imaginary) mum can attend rather than me. The GP wouldn’t register him at first because again he needed to be registered with the same doctor as his (imaginary) mum.

I’m taking over a rugby tots franchise in September, my son has been a member for about 18 months so lots of the parents know me. Three have quit because they’re concerned I might see their children getting changed. They’re the sort of people in a play group setting that tend to take over and set the tone.

We planned for DH to be a SAHD, but like you it was not really our ideal choice- we would have preferred 50:50 but at the time I earned significantly more than DH so couldn't have paid all the bills without my full time wage. We had some open and honest conversations about expectations and also DH stopped work a few weeks before I was due to return to give us some 'handover' time. In these few weeks I showed him DDs routine and some of the practical things he'd not had to do before, but he took the lead caring for DD during the day. Could you do something similar?

Re SAHDs being accepted- we found DH was welcomed in coffee mornings/playdates etc and made some good friends. I know of one or 2 SAHDs in our area who had a different experience but when I met them they had a tendency to mansplain/take over conversation etc (not saying all SAHDs who experienced negativity are like this- just my experience of 2 I knew).

My first thought at the title was 'find baby changing stations out and about that aren't in stores' because my spouse got so much flak for trying to use them in places like Boots when my kids were little. Much like Simon, he got a lot of comments with medical professionals, when my oldest was being assessed it was repeatedly marked down when I wasn't in attendance (but never the other way around) and even now, if he takes the kids to the dentist, I'll get asked the next time I go why I didn't. Having others friends to talk to was vital to his well-being, even if just online.

My spouse was a SAHD for 9 years and the main thing was a varied routine and involving the baby in what he was doing. With tiny ones, that can be a lot of stimulation. Walks in the baby carrier and talking, time kicking on a blanket under a tree or later open space to move can give a lot of experiences, and so on. Groups never worked for either of us, and I'm not sure how much they're a thing right now, but the library ones that were open drop-in tended to be the best both for the kids and were more relaxed about dads.