Preparing DH to be a SAHD

[Wimbledon1983]

We have a three month old son. He has a chromosomal disorder - he’s doing really well in all ways including milestones but I want us to really be ‘on it’ in terms of stimulation to give him the best chance of not developing learning disabilities in the future. All advice says that this really helps.

My DH has had a run of very bad luck in terms of jobs. He had one lined up before Covid hit and they rescinded the offer two days before he was due to start. They have made vague noises that the job might come up again in December. He is applying for other stuff and trying an online business but there are few opportunities out there - especially those that would cover childcare costs should we both go back to work.

I am on maternity leave and the original plan was for me to go back after a year. Now I will probably go back in four months (if no luck on the job search) and DH will be a SAHD.

DH generally does stuff around the house when asked and is ok with the baby - better than most dads I know. But he doesn’t exactly take on the mental load and I think if left to his own devices might spend a lot of time leaving the baby to coo in his cot whilst he reads the news on his phone. I am quite a type A person and have historically down most of the organising of things - especially now with medical appointments etc which DC has a lot of. I also think he will be pretty miserable taking on that role- he’d much rather be working.

I’m getting really anxious about going back - both in terms of money and the baby, even though my job is reasonable. I know people on MN always say both parties should be happy with the SAHP decision but we just don’t have that luxury.

Does anybody have any advice as to how to prepare DH for being a SAHD? I know I sound patronising but I am really comcerned. Current strategy is to continually ask him to do stuff and to try and not be so anal about mess etc but that’s quite exhausting tbh.

Please go easy. DH isn’t hopeless and I don’t want to LTB. We’re just in a really tough situation. Thanks!

@BiBabbles He needs to master the nappy squat! I find lots of shopping centres have a family room to change nappies, but they’re down the corridor of the womens toilets, so you often can’t use them.

Oh yes, the nappy squat, OP's DH is going to need that. My kids thankfully don't need that anymore, but it's a very important skill with how awkward these things (possibly more awkward now with a lot of public toilets closed...).

YEAH, anak thick skin for medical people asking about Mom. He just needs to be clear he is the primary carer which means he must know his stuff, have opinions and not rent on "I'll ask my wife"

Not our experience AT ALL. No stigma. Accepted into activities. That's not helpful advice

Do you have girls, out of interest?

Dh found “boy” activities more acceptable- sports, swimming, parks, out on bikes etc no one batted an eyelid.

“Girl” activities like craft, dance, changing nappies etc different matter. He also found taking dd to the hairdresser a nightmare, they’d be reluctant to do anything but trim.

@bluebluezoo

Not our experience AT ALL. No stigma. Accepted into activities. That's not helpful advice

Do you have girls, out of interest?

Dh found “boy” activities more acceptable- sports, swimming, parks, out on bikes etc no one batted an eyelid.

“Girl” activities like craft, dance, changing nappies etc different matter. He also found taking dd to the hairdresser a nightmare, they’d be reluctant to do anything but trim.

Yes, to be fair. However, they were 6 months and 2 so not doing anything relating to bring boys. We didn't expect it to be our life choice. DH is a (hate this phrase) "man's man" and fairly gregarious but I earned more, quite simply. And I'm not a patient stay at home earth mother. When it became apparent it was our best option, we both attacked it with gusto and hope and a positive attitude to it. I didn't enjoy baby groups at children's centres and neither did DH. He was much better than me at finding things that worked though. I'm sure it wouldn't have been everyone's experience but I think if we'd gone into it expecting it to be awful, it would have been. DH was prepared to be very, humorously frank about me earning more. He broke ice with jokes about being hen pecked (although he very clearly isn't) . He found leading with it took away the awkward looks. Honestly the best decision we never thought we'd have to make!

@SleepingStandingUp

YEAH, anak thick skin for medical people asking about Mom. He just needs to be clear he is the primary carer which means he must know his stuff, have opinions and not rent on "I'll ask my wife"

Agree. And DH still does the doctors, hair, general life admin. You have to "own it". If he was asked he explained and that was that. @SimonJT some people are downright rude and old fashioned. And sexist. Although doctors receptionist seem to be created to upset everyone judging my mumsnet threads!

Thank you all again, sorry it’s taken so long to reply. @SleepingStandingUp thank you very much for your advice. I have quite a few friends with SN children and people showing off about their kids drives them mad. Though to be honest even if I didn’t have an SN kid that would drive me mad. I really hope things like portage and play groups open up soon.

Totally agree that the only way to approach the situation is with enthusiasm. My husband has a fairly thick skin and is very extrovert (much more than me), and gets on with blokes and women very well so I think will do well at the socialising with other parents part. Probably actually a lot more than me - I’m quite shy. I think that once we just get on with it it won’t seem so bad.

Am also toying with the idea of suggesting we move out of London so that we can have a better quality of life on a smaller salary, but my DH has a sprawling London family who would be very supportive and helpful.