Almost 8 and won't poop in toilet

[2cats2kids1manchild]

My daughter is turning 8 in a few months and still won't poop in the toilet. She is ok with wees during the day and has been day trained since around 3ish. She used to suffer from constipation when she was little and that isn't a problem anymore. She will only poop in a nappy or pull up. She is still wet at night so wears a nappy to bed . So she mostly waits until night nappy is on and then goes in it or she will go first thing in the morning in her nappy. We have tried rewards bribery and taking away the nappies but she will just hold it for days and make herself sick. We can't even get her to sit on the toilet with a nappy on which is what her paediatrician advise us to do. She has no other issues aside from being very stubborn and sometimes defiant. My husband and I can't even have a few days away without the kids because his mother refuses to change our daughter when she poops. And our daughter will only let my husband and I change her anyway. I feel like a failure as a mother and don't know how to fix this. Most people I know who have kids who refuse to poop in the toilet their kids work it out by 5 or 6 at the latest

There is a Facebook group called Movicol Mummies that is great for supporting and providing advice on poo witholders. Lots of older children with this issue on there.

@ProfInkly

There is a Facebook group called Movicol Mummies that is great for supporting and providing advice on poo witholders. Lots of older children with this issue on there.

thank you. I forgot to mention she hasn't been on stool softener for some time as her diet is much better now so she doesn't need it.

You need to make the conscious decision that it's better for her to go through the tantrumming phase than stay in nappies. She won't thank you later for indulging her so much. You might be a younger parent but you are a parent so need to parent her. Don't give in to her manipulation, she's old enough to understand.

That's good. My little one is 4 and we had to make sure it was 'too' soft so that she couldn't hold it and had to go to the toilet. We're still working on it and I'm dreading her starting school in September in case she starts holding again. It has taken the whole of lockdown to get her back on the toilet after her last set back.

Dear lord op, stop putting her in nappies. She may give herself an upset stomach in the meantime, but you need to think ahead. How the hell have you let it get this far? Loads of toddlers have this problem when toilet training. I started when dd2 was 2 and she shit her pants for nearly a year before she’d poo on the toilet, she got there in the end though because like 99.9% of parents I just cracked on with it. You don’t carry on giving them nappies until they’re 8 years old ffs!

Yes we have tried all the bribery. She ended up going on the toilet a few times and we thought we had finally cracked it. Then she got sick with a stomach bug and we were back to we we started again. I don't believe this is a case of fear of going I think it is just control. She is very defiant. She is mean to her brother, she argues back, doesn't listen she is sometimes destructive. But she can also be the sweetest kid.

Sounds like previous posters are lacking in sympathy, OP. Sounds really tough. I'm sorry I don't have any experience of this. It doesn't have anything to do with you being a "bad" parent. I'm sure you're a lovely mum and do your best, like all of us. I think if other posters have not had experience of a particular problem it's easy for them to judge others harshly. It makes them feel good and smug.

I would probably go to a doctor and psychologist to get some advice. It sounds like a deeply entrenched problem that might not be quick to solve.

I hope someone who has experience of this will be able to give you some advice. Good luck.

Does your other child use the toilet? I agree with other posters, she needs to clean herself up, if she gets in a mess, tell her to get in the shower. You've let this go on for far too long.

What you need to think is what If there was an emergency and you and your partner weren’t around for a bedtime. How would she feel pooing in a nappy in front of someone else? If anyone finds out about it at school she’ll never live it down.
With both children use the summer to get tougher. Read parenting books and change what you do. Otherwise it’ll be battle after battle

Oh also parenting courses that your local council may run are great. I did one called Incredible Years a few years ago and was about to do one now called Strengthening Families but it's been cancelled cos of covid.

@user1493494961

Does your other child use the toilet? I agree with other posters, she needs to clean herself up, if she gets in a mess, tell her to get in the shower. You've let this go on for far too long.

Yes but he was late to train too. He was 4 but once he showed interest he was fully completely toilet trained in about a month except for night time. He is 6

I agree with PP’s, take a week off work and tell her to deal with the mess. I imagine after a couple of nappy changes she will deal with this by using the alternative that we all use.

Has she got any other additional needs? My cousin had aspergers and had problems with toileting as a child.

@DocusDiplo

Sounds like previous posters are lacking in sympathy, OP. Sounds really tough. I'm sorry I don't have any experience of this. It doesn't have anything to do with you being a "bad" parent. I'm sure you're a lovely mum and do your best, like all of us. I think if other posters have not had experience of a particular problem it's easy for them to judge others harshly. It makes them feel good and smug.

I would probably go to a doctor and psychologist to get some advice. It sounds like a deeply entrenched problem that might not be quick to solve.

I hope someone who has experience of this will be able to give you some advice. Good luck.

thank you for being understanding. I feel like a shit mum as it is. But I do appreciate everyone's honesty. I know I need to be more strict. My mother in law is always criticising my parenting so I am kind of used to it haha.

I very much doubt this is either a physical issue or just stubborness. Apart from anything else by age 8 most neurotypical children feel peer pressure very accutely and don't want to be different from their friends.

I'd push very hard with your GP for a referral to a psychologist. Autism, sensory processing issues, trauma following undisclosed abuse, oppositional defiance disorder - all possibilities worth looking into.

But I really don't think aged 8 that putting this into the "wilfully naughty behaviour, tough love needed " box will help. Plausible at age 4, really not plausible age 8.

@nosotro

Has she got any other additional needs? My cousin had aspergers and had problems with toileting as a child.

No. She is very intelligent. She's artistically gifted and does well at school. But can be very defiant. Well behaved mostly at school but a nightmare at home

thank you. I will get a referral again for a psychologist.

Have you looked up encopresis?

Hope it gets resolved. Must be difficult.

Hi just had to work out how to sign in to say. ..our kid had problems with constipation (and I am older mum with supportive partner and we both found it really hard ) anything around former constipation and Bowel habits especially as she is also not yet dry at night I would check before assuming it is how you parent that you have good advice on this - can be really hard to sort. Suggest you try ERIC. - the children’s incontinence charity. Loads of good advice online and a great advice line though it may take a few tries to get through. And also go back doctor and psychiatrist. It may in the end be stubbornness but once kids have had constipation they can be weird about it for years even if nothing now physically wrong and I would check out all the other stuff before you go full on with discipline only (that may be right answer in the end but check the other stuff first!)

I had this with my DS however he has additional needs/autism but I wouldn't be indulging this with an NT child. DS would only poo in a nappy and would hide when he did it. When he reached six I decided that was enough and it had to stop. I told him that they no longer made nappies that fit him, bought him pants which we chose together and had a very difficult week while he screamed and cried and held it in. It was awful. However, there came a point and he did eventually go to the toilet and was so pleased with himself! It was as if a spell had been broken. I still have to help him with cleaning and he's 9 now but it's a small thing in comparison to the control he had over nappies. I strongly suggest you do the same. It's tough but worth it. Good luck.

There is a charity for children's bladder and bowel issues called Eric, I think you would get more helpful advice there.

You said she had constipation in the past - it could have created a fear that escalates. Don't listen to those telling you to be stricter etc that won't help you at all and neither are you a bad parent!

I agree with PP that she's too old to be in a nappy, I would take them away and have a tough approach as she's old enough to understand.
Why does bet wetting require a nappy anyway?

@LovingLola

Hope it gets resolved. Must be difficult.

Thankyou. Me too. I wish there were an easier way