What is the ‘best’ age gap between children?

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Just that really.. we’ve recently had DC1 and would love more if we’re able (took > 1 year to conceive DC1).

But what are other people experiences with the positives and negatives of having a short or long age gap between siblings?

We’re trying to figure out what would be best for both us and DC1 in terms of attention and him having a ‘friend’ a similar enough age to do similar activities.

Are there any negatives to having them close together? Financially we’re fine, emotionally we’re stable and are enjoying parenthood.

What are the negatives of having a large age gap (large to me is > 4 years)? DC1 would obviously have more attention from us and get to have more in terms of clubs/activities since there would only be one.

Thanks in advance 😃

Following

whilst some way off less than three year gap could see more than one at Uni at any given time. Have a look at accommodation costs today and imagine what they might look like in 18 years time.

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer - 5 and 3 years was the way it worked out for us, and worked in reality.

Whatever one you end up with

There are positives and negatives to any age gap and a lot will depend on their individual personalities and your circumstances too

In my opinion, 4 ish years. That way you get to give the second one the same attention during early years before they start school, the older one should be fairly independent by then, and looking further ahead, they won't have difficult school years at the same time (we had year 6, year 10 and year 12 at the same time. I don't recommend it)

@DeepTreacle

Whatever one you end up with

There are positives and negatives to any age gap and a lot will depend on their individual personalities and your circumstances too

But also this.

I have 4 years between mine. I can honestly say so far there have been very few negatives. I have a girl and a boy age 6 and 2. My DD is amazing with my with little one. No jealousy issues. Was much easier in the small baby days because she could do a bit more for herself - wipe own bum, do a jigsaw on her own while I was feeding etc. Now my little one is a bit bigger they play together. My older one is old enough to indulge him and will play some more toddler games etc with him to keep him occupied. The only downsides at the moment are - sometimes they are a bit far apart to enjoy the same things in terms of days out/activities eg I can’t take them both in the same bit at the trampoline centre. But we don’t generally struggle too much. There’s lots they can both enjoy and in a few years DS will have caught up. The other slight downside if you see it as such is that it’s sort of dragging out the nursery/expensive childcare years. Some of my friends with smaller gaps are a bit more “free” to work more hours and get on with their careers now. But again long run I don’t think this matters hugely as he’s only a couple of years younger than my friends smaller ones. I have a younger brother who is 4 years younger and I’m not particularly close but that is I think more personalities and other family dynamics. I don’t think it would be different if he was only a year younger. We have a sister in between who I am close to but she is also not particularly close to my DB. I have friends with siblings with bigger age gaps who are close. There’s no right answer. You’ve just got to do what you feel works for you and there will be pros and cons either way

We have a 22 month age gap (we were aiming for 2 years). We have friends with a 6 year gap which was awkward when their two didn't want to do the same things so the parents ended up doing different things with each kid each week. The ages always seemed difficult, when we first met them it was 6 and newborn, then 3 and 9, 8 and 14, 11 and 17...the two kids seemed like they weren't even raised together sometimes and were so different. After observing them, we went for a smaller age gap - it also got the nappy years out of the way quicker, as we had 2 in nappies for a year so 3 years of nappies total (used cloth so it was ok, just a lot of washing that year!). now ours are 6 and 8 they spend hours playing together and enjoy the same things.

BUT - I know others with kids even closer in age than ours who fight like cats and dogs. So it's total luck I think.

I think there is no right answer!!

I'd say 2 to 3 years if possible. It's easier as they grow up to find something to keep them both happy (eg. games, holidays, days out) if they are relatively close in age.

Depends on their personalities.

But if I had to choose, I'd go for a 3yr gap. Small enough for them to play together when youngest is 3+. But also means you don't have a baby and a toddler, which is a bit of a nightmare! Most 3yr olds are semi-civilised and can understand basic instructions etc

Pros and cons to every gap and much depends on their personalities.

My favourite gap was the 14 months between my middle two!

I think childcare costs are a factor for many

There were 17 months between my 2 boys. The first 2 years were a blur but now they're 4 and 5 and they're the best of friends and interested in the same things. It was definitely hard at the beginning, however, I like the dynamic we have now.

What you end up with, yes. We were about to have a 3 year gap but I had a MMC (after 5 other MC). I got pregnant again and we now have an almost one and five year old so a 4 year gap. It's been pretty perfect for us, better than a 3 year gap would have been. Eldest is in school, doing her own thing, can make herself drinks and food, go to the loo on her own, can now read herself books and keep herself entertained (all this is if she has to, of course I still do all this 99.99% of the time!) She adores her brother and loves to play with him even though he just crawls about and giggles. She's old enough to understand he isn't replacing her etc. And the big thing, she is FINALLY sleeping through at 5yo so i only have one child waking me.

3 and a half years was perfect for us.

Oldest started school nursery just as the new baby arrived so there was one-one time with the baby and the older child was also independent enough in some ways that they weren't desperate for my attention all day the way a toddler might.

I don't think I would have coped very well with a smaller gap. And now they are 6 and 3 they just about manage to play welll together and their interests, while different , aren't a million miles away.

If I could do it again, I think I'd go for 4 years. There's just over 2.5 years between my 2 and I think if I'd left it longer I think I would have had a better time with no 2, more one on one time with her as a baby with eldest at nursery. I also would have had more of a break between 2 bouts of breast feeding (I fed both into toddlerhood which I don't regret at all, just would have liked a bit more of a break)! However I am aware this view is a bit focussed on the early years, as now they are def close enough in age to play together which may not be quite the case with a longer age gap. Plus my husband is a slightly older parent so he was quite keen to get on with no 2. I expect when they are teenagers I may have a different perspective again.

I have 2 lots of 3 year gap, so 6 in total between eldest and youngest.

I've loved that the 3 year olds have been old enough to understand what's going on when the new baby arrives, and also old enough to be OK to entertain themselves for a short while so I could feed the new baby. Mine are not great sleepers, but we're sleeping through consistently by 3 which was helpful with a newborn arriving.

Less good aspect is that just as we were getting out of the baby stage, we had another- 9 years of nappies and really high child care costs and not enough sleep have taken their toll. I'm loving having the wee one about but I am also starting to see the light as we head towards them getting more independent. If you have more than 2, the gap between oldest and youngest widens- 6 years is bigger than I'd really wanted but mostly OK, though there are plenty of times when eldest/youngest has to compromise with activities. Middle one has it pretty good on that front though!!

3 years 11 months worked perfectly for us. One of the main factors was not having 2 in paid for childcare which would have been too expensive- I didn’t want to not work and DP works away one week per month with no family near. Alternatively my sis had 3 under 4 which worked for them but her DP was a SAHP and both sets of GPs within 5 min walk so never had to pay for childcare/worry about it. I think anything between 2-4.5 years can work depending on your circumstances.

I have a 20 Month gap and to be honest it's been great :)
I defo recommend 18-20 months to anyone.

My 3 year gap is working out ok

I’d planned on between 3.5-4 years but this is working out ok

Older one is potty trained and going to nursery soon

That extra 6 months older might have made a big differed

4.5 age gap is working out well here. No jealousy. Am able to give them both time and attention. They luckily adore each other.

There is less than 2 years between me and my sister and we fought our entire childhood. I know other siblings who are close in age who were best friends. So it just depends on hour kids.

Some things I hadn’t even thought of! Thank you.

Childcare isn’t going to be too rough because we’ve got doting grandparents in a position to help a few days a week.

I’d certainly like to get these sleepless nights out the way sooner rather than later So was inclined to go for as short as possible age gap but 2-4 years seems to be most popular For sensible reasons.

Let’s hope we’re lucky enough to get that far
😃

I have a 15 month age gap which is very hard in the beginning but great if you have proper help. I unfortunately got PND but it is good they are very close to each other and are never lonely. They are not in the same school year and go to different schools so not competing. They play together and are roughly at same stage in terms of books etc so discuss stuff, play chess together, socialise together, have shared friends etc.

I've got just over 2 years gap. At the moment they're 18 months and 3.5 and during lockdown have become playmates. It's really nice to see. I can see the attraction of slightly more than 3 years as funded childcare kicks in. My dh has 7 years between him and his little sister and he never had a sibling relationship and we've also got friends with 5 + year gaps and they find going out on day trips hard because they're not in the same stage.

For me because we don't have family near by I had a strict upper limit for how big an age gap would work for us. I figured it would be very difficult to do outings and activities that suited both children by myself and (pre covid) we had several holiday plans that would be simpler with children of a similar age.

Entirely depends on your circumstances, but for me I would say 2 years. Or up to 2.5 years at most (if that's possible of course!!)

This is what I want for my children.

They will be "in to" things at the same time which will be useful, and especially good if they're the same gender. It will be a crazy time at the beginning, but probably easier for parents not to "have to start again" say 5 years later.

They say that siblings with an age difference of 7 years or more are not really siblings (well genetically they are of course!) because they are never at the same stage in their life. Eg never at primary school , secondary school at the same time, not "into" things at the same time, eg not sharing toys.

All depends on circumstances of course. Some parents might want a longer break so mum can go back to work for longer, or maybe your first child will suit being an "only child" for a bit longer.

No right answer I don't think!