Breastfeeding weight loss guilt

[Eggcellent29]

Hi all

So I initially EBF my baby. He lost 10% of his body weight due to me having lost so much blood during his birth (we both almost died, I was re-hospitalised after discharge, multiple transfusions, it was a whole thing) that I was unable to produce enough milk to properly feed him.

I moved on to bottle feeding and his weight recovered quickly.

This was 4 months ago but i just can’t seem to get over the guilt. I look back at photos of him and feel so so awful that I didn’t realise I was starving him. I imagine how awful he must have felt and imagine him desperately trying to communicate to me that he was dying of starvation but I did nothing.

I can’t seem to get past this. I was so so unwell and all the doctors and nurses said he was feeding well. He rarely cried, slept well and seemed fine. I knew in my heart something wasn’t right but I could barely function and with my health in such danger I guess I doubted what I was feeling and told myself that doctors wouldn’t endanger him or me (how wrong was I!)

I feel like a terrible mother.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you get past it?

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. I had similar ish- had terrible birth with DD1 with PPH and transfusions. Baby screamed and screamed continually for first few days- she wasn't latching properly and as soon as we gave her a bottle of formula she calmed down. I'm sure she was also desperately hungry and trying to let us know. When DD2 arrived last month, I supplemented with formula immediately when it became clear bf was going to be affected by severe tongue tie so she didn't have a single hungry day.

With DD1 I found my emotional distress around feeding issues dissipated quickly when we started on solid foods

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time, OP. It’s understandable that you would be quite emotional about that.
But your child wasn’t dying of starvation. You had a bump in the toad - like many, many parents do in the early days - with his weight and feeding.
Have you spoken to your GP about how strongly you are still feeling about this? Do you have a good support system around you?

It sounds awful and I don't want to minimise your trauma, but losing 10% of body weight is not unusual in bf babies. My baby was FF from birth and still lost 5%. The midwife in the hospital said they're born with a packed lunch for until your milk comes in! You did not starve your baby.

I struggled with traumatic birth stuff including loads of guilt over things I had no control over. Time does help, but reach out for support if you're struggling.

Agree with pp, losing 10% is very common and it can take a while to get established. I don't think you should beat yourself up.

You are not a bad mum at all.. and your baby was not starved.

Be kind to yourself x

I want to thank you all for taking the time to post and for responding so quickly. I am honestly in tears from your kind words.

It’s interesting that 10% isn’t that bad. I had one HV who wanted to have him hospitalised over it, but when I spoke to them they said it was fine and to just keep an eye. I think perhaps the HV got under my skin more than I realised. She made such a fuss and due to it being lockdown other support was so limited. When I got upset she told me not to cry because me being upset would emotionally damage him and a good Mum wouldn’t do that. Which ofc just made me more upset!

I think perhaps missing out on mum groups hasn’t helped - maybe having other mums to share their experiences would have made me realise it wasn’t this awful thing that was only happening to my baby because I was such a bad mum iyswim

I know really that you’re all right that he wasn’t being starved to death. I need to stop thinking in such extremes. I love the idea of them being born with a packed lunch, haha! I will try and remember that next time I’m feeling badly about it

I have tried to speak to my GP about this and the trauma of his birth but I was told that services are stretched at the moment and that I had to make an effort not to get PND. She then told me my appointment was over and turned me out still in tears.

Thank you all so much. I do have a good support system around me but sometimes you need to hear it from other mums, you know?

My DD ended up losing 14% of her body weight but she was born at 10lb 4 and went down to 9lb 1 (ish). That was due to a severe posterior tongue tie not diagnosed until I referred her myself. We were told that if she got to 15% then we would need to go back into hospital.

We ended up combined feeding for a while until she went to entirely bottles. I don't feel guilt now although at the time I thought I had failed her by being unable to breastfeed.

DD is 18 months and thriving so I think give it time and perhaps chat with a GP if it is becoming too much.

I too had massive blood loss in labour due to a placental abruption and my baby lost 11% of his birth weight. Interestingly the cut off for intervention in my borough is 12% weight loss and I was told to just breastfeed as frequently as I could. Baby slowly regained the weight and no one seemed very worried.

You didn't starve your baby but I can completely sympathise with the worry and trauma of a difficult birth and yours must have been made much worse by lockdown and all the worries that also brings.

You’re being way too hard on yourself, losing up to 10% of birth weight is normal. My DD lost 11% and the midwives were a little concerned but absolutely no one ever mentioned hospitalising her over it. They just told me to feed feed feed and she recovered very well (she actually ended up being a very chubby baby/toddler!). You were not starving your baby!

I really think you need to speak to your GP OP about everything that's happened to you. Have you had a post natal check up? I say that because after losing blood, you can become anemic and that can effect your mood along with everything else.

It really sounds like you need some support and help going over what happened when you had him. Don't be afraid of going to the go od back to the hospital and asking for help and answers. You need this to help you heal and move forwards. Personally, I'd give the HV a wide berth, she sounds terrible.

That health visitor sounds very unkind! You weren’t starving your baby and you won’t emotionally damage him by being upset occasionally. But it does sound like you have had a hard time and aren’t getting much help from health professionals - PND is hardly something you can stop yourself from getting so your GP is also not looking great here! So please do use that support system that you mentioned whenever you need it.

My ebf dd fed brilliantly and by 10 days was back well over her birth weight. She was remarked on as “feeding really well and barely lost any weight at all”. I’ve just done the sums and she lost over 5% of her birth weight in her first few days. And like I said - she was remarked upon for being such a good feeder.

I’ve just googled and for an ebf baby 7% - 10% is normal. 5% is normal for formula fed babies. Maybe your health visiter was used to formula fed babies so forgot what is supposed to happen with an ebf baby.

So stop feeling guilty. You just had a health visiter who got her sums wrong.

It’s normal for a breastfed baby to lose up to 10% of birth weight during the first week. It’s also common for uneducated HVs to freak out because a formula fed baby is only expected to lose 5% of birth weight. So when your breastfed baby loses 10% they panic. They really should know better!

My dopey HV did the same thing. Panicked when my breastfed baby lost more weight than she’d expect a formula fed baby to lose. Tried to push me to give formula (I refused). Reported me because I wouldn’t follow her advice and she claimed I was starving my baby. Long story short, the hospital told her not to be so stupid and I breastfed successfully for 2.5 years.

Both my bf babies lost about 13% of their initial weight. It's perfectly normal and why babies have brown fat. Don't blame yourself for something that was in no way your fault, or within your control. I think this is something which is broadly unknown/misunderstood and causes unnecessary grief.

My first child that I beast fed went from 7 10 down to 7 1. Then milk came in and slowly started to regain weight. Second child breast fed born 6 12 went down to 6 6 then slowly regained. Third child breast fed born 8 12 only lost 4 onzes then regained weight. If the baby has jaundice it makes them sleepy and they often don't feed as well.

Concentrate on bonding with your baby now. It really does not matter if you breast or bottle feed. You are feeding your baby and it is now thriving.

Just enjoy your baby, they are small for such a short time. It goes in the blink of an eye.

My dd lost 12% and we did go into hospital for observation, but the doctors and nurses there weren't too concerned about it and just ensured i fed every 2 hours over night. 10% is normal, your baby wasn't starving.

Loosing 10% isnt dying of starvation. I think thats quite dramatic language to use.

Equally I had a similar experience. I have a 4 month old. He was born with sepsis, I had sepsis and I ended up with an emergency section. I also tried to BF, but the baby had lost 10% of his body weight in 5 days. I was still in hospital at this point and didnt have anything but my boobs to offer. I changed to formula as soon as I got home. In no way to I think my baby was dying of starvation at any point. In fact, I think I was in a difficult position and I was doing all I could at the time, which is largely the same as you

I’m sorry you had such an awful HV. I hope you report them.

This kind of catastrophic thinking and beating yourself up to a degree which is perhaps not commensurate with what actually happened sounds a lot like a hallmark of post natal depression/anxiety to me. I am obviously not a doctor. But please try to get yourself seen again potentially by a different GP, someone who will listen and help you.

Your HV and your GP sound like total arseholes. And any GP who says you need to make an ‘effort’ not to get PND needs a complaint made about them.
You’re doing great in spite of the appalling service you’ve received 💐

Just another person chipping in to say you’re being too hard on yourself as 10% is pretty normal, especially if you have fluids during labour as it can make the baby weigh a bit heavier artificially.

I agree with others if you can’t shake how you feel then see your GP

10% is totally standard for bf babies...pretty much everyone I know had that. Remember that your milk doesn’t even come in for the first few days so they only have colostrum. They’re born with enough weight to sustain them through that period.

It sounds like you got terrible advice from your HV and tbh this just fuels some of the anti-bf rhetoric I’ve seen where people claim that bf mothers starve their babies when in reality they’re just getting bf established in an entirely normal way.

DS2 lost 12% and was back in hospital. It's just a precaution really. They just check them over and attach a wee sack to check they are weeing. Please don't feel guilty. You did everything with your baby's interests at heart. What more can any mother do?

I honestly cannot thank you all enough ❤️ You see so much nastiness on the internet and this thread just goes to show much care there is as well

I had no idea about there being different cut offs in different areas. You’d honestly think he was at deaths door the way she made me feel about it. Like I had daily visits, sometimes twice, plus daily phone calls, daily weigh ins, it was relentless. I also saw a different HV each time which didn’t help.

I think you may be right bout PND, more the anxiety than anything else. I feel like we have bonded really well and that our situation actually brought us closer iyswim, but I do worry about EVERYTHING. He sleeps well but I don’t, I’m always checking him in the next to me etc.

I will consider trying to talk to another doctor. I’m just worried they will think I’m unfit nd try to get other agencies involved. But maybe that’s the anxiety talking?

Has anyone else reached out for support in this way? What happened?

Do raise any physical issues you’re having with your GP, and ask about MH services. Focus on self care, eg rest, food. Is your DP pulling their weight?

I experienced similar with DC1 and also had a MH flare up at a similar stage - v dark and whirling thoughts! (Did have a preexisting issue). Like your baby, despite a rocky start DC1 was absolutely fine and is now, many years on, well and strong and almost taller than me! The issue was a mental health / wellbeing one. Plus unfortunate encounters with health care professionals on an off day (at best!)

I regret not prioritising my health much sooner!