Can I just have a moan??

[FedUp196]

Everything feels hopeless today. I have a 16 week old baby and I feel like I’m constantly worried about EVERYTHING. I don’t think there’s been a minute since she was born that I haven’t been worrying about something. I’m pretty sure it’s affecting my sleep as I just can’t seem to sleep properly anymore even when I’m exhausted. Is this normal?? Baby sleeps pretty much as I’d expect at her age (from what I’ve read), but even when she’s sleeping I can’t seem to take advantage and sleep too!

And are all babies just generally.. well grumpy?
I try and do everything I can for her, all the basics plus making sure she gets time on her play mat, walking around pointing things out, singing songs to her with actions, talking to her, smiling and pulling faces and being bright and animated with her, putting her in a bouncer or swing, sitting her on my knee in all different positions to try and make her comfortable and so she can see the room from different angles, trying tummy time, reading to her. All of these things entertain her for a bit but then she always ends up getting whingy and restless and at that point I either feed her (if a feed is due) or use the pram to get her to sleep. I feel guilty just trying to get her to sleep all the time but I never know what else to do when she’s fed and I’ve tried all the different ways of entertaining her and she’s still restless and unhappy. She does have sleep cues too (rubbing her eyes mainly) which I try to respond to. I really want there to be some recognition on her face or something when she sees me but I don’t think she views me as any different to anyone else— that’s silly isn’t it?

Also, I thought breastfeeding was going really well but for the last week or so it’s become an absolute chore. She’ll feed well for a few minutes and then throw herself backwards like a starfish and whinge. I’ll keep trying for a bit and then when she won’t cooperate I’ll try winding her and/or switch her to the other side. This works for a bit and then she does the same again. Has anyone experienced this? I’m not sure whether it’s wind or needing to poo, the flow of milk being too fast or too slow, the way I’m holding her or what. I’ve tried to deal with each potential issue in turn but nothing seems to add up to being the real cause. And because of this her feeds are shorter and I’m worried that she’s now not getting enough to eat. But she doesn’t seem to cry a lot after so maybe she is full? Do breastfeeds get shorter anyway as babies get older?

My final moan for now is that since the baby was born (first week of lockdown of course) I have barely left the house. Firstly because of Covid, but also because of being so bloody anxious in general about taking the baby out. What to dress her in so she’s not too hot or too cold, how to make sure she’s protected from the sun, how to make sure she’s protected from other people’s possible Covid germs, what if she poos (her poos often leak through her clothes) or what if she unexpectedly wants a feed? Despite all this I’ve pushed myself to start taking her out for walks around our local estate with my partner and the dogs, finally made decisions on how to dress her and convinced myself that with full cloud cover and the pram hood up she’ll be safe from the sun etc etc., and then when we get out she just whinges the whole time. (I keep saying ‘whinges’ because that’s what it’s like, it’s hardly ever a full cry just a persistently loud statement that she doesn’t want to be doing whatever she’s doing.) So there I am finally out of the house which is so good for me because I’ve been in for so long, and then it gets ruined by the baby not being happy and puts me off going out again. And I’m embarrassed because other people are out walking and I feel like her yelling is really loud and I’m not dealing with it other than trying to adjust her clothing if she might be hot/cold or saying soothing things which don’t make a difference. Other babies seem to love going out in their prams and I know lots of mums use this for getting their little ones to sleep, but if anything it keeps my baby awake! I was wondering if it’s just that she’s not used to being out and it could be sensory overload? But it’s gutting because I think I need to be out more for my own sake and I really want her to enjoy it.

I don’t have anyone to talk to in RL because I feel embarrassed and like a total failure. I’ve always been very independent but parenthood seems to have broken me! My partner tries his best and he does share the workload with the baby but he is working full time in a new job (WFH) and he isn’t really that available for me to talk to. I also worry that he thinks I’m just a complete moaner and never happy despite being on maternity leave and having the baby that I very much wanted.

Oh god this has turned into an incredibly long post. If you’ve got this far, thank you. And if you have any advice, thank you even more!

It's good to have a moan, so go right ahead! I think you deserve a medal doing this in lockdown. I went back to work at 13 weeks (shared parental leave) because I went out of my mind with relentlessness and boredom.

No advice as such, but if it makes you feel any better, my baby didn't really know who I was until she was about 8-9 months. We didn't really have a good bond until quite recently (she's now 1yo). It will come in time.

Be kind to yourself. Do you have any friends or family you could see for a moan even if it's just sitting in your garden? It really helps to break up the monotony.

Hi! I also have a 16 week old. Its absolutely relentless isnt it? I get the 5pm each day when my partner comes home and think 'thank god another day is over'. My baby goes to nursery one day a week in 3 weeks time and I CANNOT wait!

Ahhhh OP I have a 7 month old DD and so much of what you've written is familiar! I echo what @Ihaveoflate said - it really is a matter of time. I had a spectacular low point at around four months, where I felt pretty much the same as you do now. And dear god - the drudgery. So many boring repetitive household tasks. It's so, so hard.

But things have improved massively and I think this is down the baby developing. Your DD will start to genuinely smile, she'll start to recognise you, she'll start weaning at around six months which is a whole new adventure for both of you (although admittedly that can be frustrating sometimes too!) I think your confidence will grow as well - I used to be slightly overwhelmed at the thought of taking DD anywhere and was almost grateful for lockdown. But, like you, I forced myself and in time it became much easier.

I absolutely promise you - things will improve! Just keep going

Be kind to yourself. You sound like a really good mum. I have a 2year old and a 7 week old. I remember 4months being a tricky time breastfeeding my older one as he just wanted to look around, had to go into a dark room or else he wouldn't concentrate. His feeds did get shorter too. As long as getting wet and dirty naps it won't be anything your doing.

Have you got the wonder weeks app? Often more fussy behaviour is due to leaps and its handy to see they are in a leap so it's nothing you are doing wrong.

I worried so much with my first but my second I don't have time too and she seems fine! Good luck, it is so hard with lockdown and being a mum is hard💐

My older DC hated the pram so I just put him in the sling all the time, it also means you have to worry about what they wear less as get your body heat etc. My poor 7week old is never out of the sling let alone a play mat 🤦🏼‍♀️

I found the first few months mind-numbingly boring, totally relentless and exhausting. I couldn't understand why everyone else was cooing and giggling all day with their babies while I dreaded each day (and night!). It does get better, very slowly, but don't be worried about putting a well-fed and clean baby in its cot to whinge and moan on its own, shut the door and have a shower, cup of coffee or just a silent scream! You don't need to entertain baby all day and tbh it won't be good for either of you. Look after yourself as well, good luck x

I think our babies are the exact same age, born 26th of March, it’s been incredibly isolating because of lockdown I empathise so much, I don’t have a garden and my little girl moans in the pram too and it actually feels like I’m being held hostage by a baby..... I’ve done a few online baby sensory classes so I have an idea of how to play with her but 95% she looks at me with disdain.....I’ve still not seen my mum Or any of my family as they in Ireland And honestly it’s been shit, none of the lovely maternity leave stuff I imagined..... no advice other than I think once the babies get more reactive it will be more fun, and hopefully they get used to the pram.... be kind to yourself it’s been a bizarre set of circumstances to have a baby and the early days are lonely and boring..... things will get easier I hope

When my son was 4 months old I went to the breastfeeding clinic because he was doing exactly the same as yours, refusing feeds. I was so worried. There was another mum there with the same issue.

Turns out it's because baby is so much more efficient at bf that they don't need to suck for ages anymore so they get all their milk much faster. What baby is telling you is they are full.

Dc2 just turned 4 months and was exactly the same!

I'm also wondering how to entertain a 4 month old but mostly I just leave him to it while I run after the toddler!

I can’t tell you how much better these replies have made me feel! Thank you so much for taking the time out to support me, it really means the world

I also have a four month old and it’s recently become really, really hard. He’s so demanding in the day and I can’t ever get him to nap. I also feel disappointed with how my maternity leave is panning out because of lock down. I love him so much but the days have become really difficult. I find that I’m doubting myself all the time and feel like I’ve failed at this already! Hopefully it will get easier with time 🤞

Hello, moaning is perfectly justified, as being a mum is bloody hard. And yeah all this stuff sounds pretty standard and it sounds like you are doing a good job overall and you are listening to your baby. It's just really hard when they are tiny. Doubly hard when you are stuck indoors, I find long walks invaluable so please persevere!

Some babies are definitely more sensitive than others. My DS went through a phase of hating his pram. But he LOVED a baby sling, I picked one up cheap on ebay. I would strip baby down if it's warm and pop a sun hat on. My son has only fallen asleep in the pram 3 times (he is now 18 months), whereas my DD slept in it virtually every time I took her out.

Regarding breastfeeding, yes, they get much quicker at it. Throwing herself back and arching could be frustration about speed of the flow, or maybe a bit of wind. Check latch is really deep, as if it is too shallow she will find it harder to draw down the milk swiftly, and could also be sucking in air if the latch isnt perfect. Baby will take whatever milk she needs, do not stress about it. Do make sure you are really well hydrated - I can't emphasise that enough. Make sure your pee is pale straw coloured!

The constant worry you are experiencing doesnt sound extreme, but keep an eye out for symptoms of PND, as feeling like a failure, feeling unable to cope etc is possibly a bit of a sign. It can creep up on you really easily.

Take care, xx

This all sounds very familiar to me! I think the tiredness and monotony really take over about the 4 month point, just as the baby is going through a tricky spell. Naps have been such a challenge for us. I’ve felt stuck in the house because I’m constantly in a cycle of trying to get him to nap and him napping on me. Luckily in the last couple of days, he has started to nap for longer and not always on me (he is 19 weeks) so I am getting more stuff done and able to make more of the time in between.

I hope things improve for you soon, it sounds like you are doing a great job!

OP, are you me??? I feel exactly the same! My baby is 17 weeks and honestly, your story could be mine. He hates the pram, but i take him out in it every day none the less for my own sanity. Always seems grumpy, likes playmat, bouncer etc for about 5 mins, then screams to be picked up. Once picked up he fidgets and whinges because he doesnt want that either. Feeding is exactly as you described at the moment (although I FF), he used to take a 6 oz bottle, now he just faffs around all day, drinks an oz then flails and arches. Then up all night feeding, the little git! Naps are a nightmare, I have to stay with him the entire time or he'll wake up every 2 mins, plus will only nap in the cot, so im trapped in the house most of the day. And where as he used to wake up twice in the night like clockwork, its now 4 or 5 times and ge takes ages to go back down. I feel the same as you - other half finishes work at 6, we bath baby and then other half takes him up to bed at 7, and im just so grateful for a few hours of peace!

Im assuming its just a leap he's growing through, but I am not enjoying it! Just waiting for him to be older so we can interact more. No advice, but you are not alone!₩

The bit about breastfeeding happened to me too OP. DC suddenly got my co quicker at feeding around 3 months, he would pull off and I would try to get him back on as I couldn't believe he was full!

my co = much

Help. I feel like this at 7 weeks?!? It’s just so relentless and I’m so tired. Haven’t had any external help because of COVID. And husband as nice as he is works full time and even though he’s WFH it’s no help.

I am at a loss what to do to get any space to relax. Baby feeds constantly and won’t sleep so I can’t get a break.

@JKDcot it's incredibly hard. You said your DH is working full time. When he's not working, it needs to be 50-50 as far as possible. Are you breastfeeding? If so, he can wind the baby, change nappies, hold the baby so you can sleep for a while.

I ended up expressing two bottles a day so that DH could give me a break by feeding DD while I slept. Is that something you would consider?

If you're not breastfeeding then your DH really needs to step up.

Your DD will start to genuinely smile, she'll start to recognise you

The genuine smiles happen between 6-12 weeks according to everything I’ve read, so hopefully OP is getting plenty of those by now.

As a mum to a 12 week old I totally empathise with everything you’ve said OP. Hope to post more tomorrow when I’m less tired!

Hi all

My husband saw how tired and overwhelmed I was last night so he took boy from 8pm-4am to let me sleep.

I think he found it hard, had multiple feeds , nappy changes and baby difficult to settle. He’s just handed him back saying he is hungry (baby) but I think husband is exhausted and needs a break

Part of me feels pleased he knows now what I do every night and might have more empathy. Bigger part of me feels guilty to both I was not helping. What if my baby is anger with me? I feel really selfish.
Husband will be shattered for work also. I suppose he can get through one day. Sorry to moan

Hi

My baby is 16 weeks too. I have found the wonder weeks app really helpful in explaining the different leaps and why the baby's behaviour changes during these leaps. It seems really accurate - according to the app my daughter is currently in leap 4, which I'm guessing your baby might be experiencing too...

I've found that getting a bath in the evening (after feeding baby so my bath isn't disturbed!) helps me relax.

Also, I've had moments of carrying my daughter home whilst pushing the pushchair as she wouldn't settle in it, but she seems to be getting used to it more and more now. As long as she is fed and nappy changed before the walk!

Sounds like you are doing a great job xxx

@JKDcot it's great that your DH took the baby for a few hours last night to give you a break. This needs to happen regularly. He cannot expect his life to carry on as normal and for you to look after the baby all the time because he is working.

Perhaps you need to come to an agreement on how you can both get some rest? This might not work for you two but in the early weeks/months my DH would take the baby from roughly 9pm to 2am so I could sleep, and then he would sleep from 2am to 8am (ready to start work at 9am). Then at the weekend he would do a longer night to give me a proper break.

Talk about it and see if you can work something out that suits you both

A few people have recommended the Wonder Weeks app, including in RL, but it doesn’t seem to resonate for my baby at all. For example at the moment she’s supposed to be in a ‘sunny’ phase but I wouldn’t describe her as sunny except for a few minutes at a time of cute smileyness dotted throughout the day- the rest of the time it feels like she’s grizzling and asking for something different to whatever I’m doing. (And a lot of the time she seems far more ‘sunny’ in response to my partner than me 🙁)

I’m not sure whether I’m not very good at identifying the signs the app talks about, for example when it says she’s ‘identifying patterns in her body’, what does that even mean? And like does she ‘express enjoyment by watching’ or ‘want more physical contact while nursing’? I’m not actually sure? My baby was born at 37 weeks and the app says it adjusts for this but it still doesn’t seem to align. Am I just crap at noticing my baby’s development??

My partner gives one bottle of expressed milk a day. We want this to be the last one of the day before her evening sleep, so 7-8ish, but because nap times (and hence feed times) aren’t consistent, this can sometimes be more like 9pm. In fact thinking about it sleep patterns are causing a few problems. I have tried loads to get her down for shorter morning/afternoon naps and a longer lunchtime nap, but this never happens. Instead I decided to just focus on awake time— once she’s been awake for an hour and a quarter or so and seems grumpy/rubs her eyes etc., try to get her down so she doesn’t become overtired. This tends to work, but the length of her nap is never consistent- sometimes 30 mins and sometimes 2 hours. I aim to feed her every 3 hours if she’s awake, or if not I let her sleep, and then these two things combined lead to zero routine. She occasionally seems hungry sooner than 3 hours and if so I’ll feed her sooner (she doesn’t have major hunger cues tbh, it’s always just something I try if she’s whinging, not obviously tired, and it’s been over 2.5 hours since the last feed). We try and bath her around 6pm every night with the hope of establishing a bedtime routine, but she resists sleep afterwards and gets very fussy and overtired so that when her bottle comes around (3ish hours after the last feed, whenever that happened to be), she drinks a bit then refuses it and is a nightmare to settle. My partner does the settling while I express milk for the next night, and he always tells me to go to bed in the spare room afterwards so I can sleep until the ‘night feed’ (anywhere from 3am-6am). But I feel so guilty leaving her and I can always hear her crying in the next room refusing to settle, and I know my partner needs sleep for work. I have sleep problems anyway as I’ve said, so I’m probably getting about 4-5 hours of decent sleep a night and the rest is either dozing or wide awake. On the plus side we have had lots of nights where she’s slept between 5 and 8 hours at a time, which is amazing! If only I could sleep at the same time! I think I’m on edge because I don’t know when she’s going to wake up? Plus I’m always checking her to see if she’s breathing argh . I worked out that she’s getting a total of between 12 and 14 hours in a 24 period- that’s not really enough is it? No idea how to get her to sleep more though!

Can you tell my mind is just wrecked by all this? Not even sure I’ve conveyed it properly, or whether it’s coherent to anyone else reading it! But it has helped a bit to splurge it all out onto the screen.

Blimey, another never-ending stream of consciousness! Sorry! Believe it or not I was actually a pretty normal intelligent person before I had a baby!

Oh I also want to say that we did have a bit of a natural night time sleep routine for a bit: fussy early evening, sleep roughly 10:30pm-4:00am, feed, back down easily until about 8:00am. Not every night but most nights, but that seems to have gone to pot now. Last night she finally slept around 11:30pm, woke up at almost 6:00am (great except I woke up at 4 and couldn’t get back into a proper sleep), fed and then was fussy going back down again, eventually asleep around 7:20am and awake at 9:00am (I slept too for a bit of this). Fed her again and she fell asleep at the boob which is where she still is now!

@FedUp196 it's really hard and I remember living this - in fact I came on here, totally despairing, asking for advice too! Frustratingly the advice was "all babies are different and what you're describing is totally normal" which, whilst true, didn't help my state of mind!

Have you tried the Huckleberry app? It takes a few days of logging everything but then once you send off the logs to them, they'll give you some advice on what to do regarding routine. It cost about £15 but was well worth it for me, I found their report really useful.

@RedPandaFluff I’ve just downloaded Huckleberry and it looks really good so far- thanks for the tip! I’ve been trying to keep track of everything using the Notes app which is clunky and obv not very conducive to spotting patterns and stuff so I already feel like this will make me more organised. Partner isn’t keen on paying for the report as he thinks these things are all just a money making scheme but I’ll talk him round 😉

@HathorX that’s the other thing- babywearing! We have a baby bjorn carrier, partner used it when she was small and although she used to protest going into it it did calm her down and help her fall asleep quite a few times. I hated using it because I felt (stupidly) like she was all scrunched up and couldn’t breathe properly. I’ve recently started trying it again now she’s bigger and has slightly better head control, I find it super comfortable compared to carrying her around but again she complains going into it (even though she likes being carried around upright facing me, which is basically the same position as the carrier). She goes quiet when walking round for a bit and then gets into a sudden rage where she starts arching her back and screeching.

So we’ve also bought a ring sling, partner did some research and got it off Amazon. But I just can’t get it to work! Have watched several YouTube videos which make perfect sense but can’t get her into it so she feels secure, just feels like she’s going to fall out of the bottom of it (I’ve been trying the way where she’s facing me at the front and has ‘froggy legs’ so supported under the bum with the bottom rail round the back of the knees). This isn’t helped by the fact that she writhes around and moans while I’m trying to get her into it, but even if she wasn’t I’m not sure I’d be able to manage it. Everyone raves about slings but it feels like yet another thing I can’t do! Any tips? It’s not a stretchy one mind, could that be part of the issue?

She also won’t take a bloody dummy! We have three different shapes and it’s a flat no to all of them. She pulls a face as if she doesn’t like the taste?! It would be amazing if she would take one because she obviously needs help falling asleep at times. She tries to suck her hands and sleeves but I’m not keen on this, partly because it’s a hard habit to break but also because I’m paranoid about all the germs going into her mouth especially as we have cats and there’s always cat hair around.

Jeez. It’s one thing after another! Do I have a difficult baby or am I being a drama queen?