Can I just have a moan??

[FedUp196]

Everything feels hopeless today. I have a 16 week old baby and I feel like I’m constantly worried about EVERYTHING. I don’t think there’s been a minute since she was born that I haven’t been worrying about something. I’m pretty sure it’s affecting my sleep as I just can’t seem to sleep properly anymore even when I’m exhausted. Is this normal?? Baby sleeps pretty much as I’d expect at her age (from what I’ve read), but even when she’s sleeping I can’t seem to take advantage and sleep too!

And are all babies just generally.. well grumpy?
I try and do everything I can for her, all the basics plus making sure she gets time on her play mat, walking around pointing things out, singing songs to her with actions, talking to her, smiling and pulling faces and being bright and animated with her, putting her in a bouncer or swing, sitting her on my knee in all different positions to try and make her comfortable and so she can see the room from different angles, trying tummy time, reading to her. All of these things entertain her for a bit but then she always ends up getting whingy and restless and at that point I either feed her (if a feed is due) or use the pram to get her to sleep. I feel guilty just trying to get her to sleep all the time but I never know what else to do when she’s fed and I’ve tried all the different ways of entertaining her and she’s still restless and unhappy. She does have sleep cues too (rubbing her eyes mainly) which I try to respond to. I really want there to be some recognition on her face or something when she sees me but I don’t think she views me as any different to anyone else— that’s silly isn’t it?

Also, I thought breastfeeding was going really well but for the last week or so it’s become an absolute chore. She’ll feed well for a few minutes and then throw herself backwards like a starfish and whinge. I’ll keep trying for a bit and then when she won’t cooperate I’ll try winding her and/or switch her to the other side. This works for a bit and then she does the same again. Has anyone experienced this? I’m not sure whether it’s wind or needing to poo, the flow of milk being too fast or too slow, the way I’m holding her or what. I’ve tried to deal with each potential issue in turn but nothing seems to add up to being the real cause. And because of this her feeds are shorter and I’m worried that she’s now not getting enough to eat. But she doesn’t seem to cry a lot after so maybe she is full? Do breastfeeds get shorter anyway as babies get older?

My final moan for now is that since the baby was born (first week of lockdown of course) I have barely left the house. Firstly because of Covid, but also because of being so bloody anxious in general about taking the baby out. What to dress her in so she’s not too hot or too cold, how to make sure she’s protected from the sun, how to make sure she’s protected from other people’s possible Covid germs, what if she poos (her poos often leak through her clothes) or what if she unexpectedly wants a feed? Despite all this I’ve pushed myself to start taking her out for walks around our local estate with my partner and the dogs, finally made decisions on how to dress her and convinced myself that with full cloud cover and the pram hood up she’ll be safe from the sun etc etc., and then when we get out she just whinges the whole time. (I keep saying ‘whinges’ because that’s what it’s like, it’s hardly ever a full cry just a persistently loud statement that she doesn’t want to be doing whatever she’s doing.) So there I am finally out of the house which is so good for me because I’ve been in for so long, and then it gets ruined by the baby not being happy and puts me off going out again. And I’m embarrassed because other people are out walking and I feel like her yelling is really loud and I’m not dealing with it other than trying to adjust her clothing if she might be hot/cold or saying soothing things which don’t make a difference. Other babies seem to love going out in their prams and I know lots of mums use this for getting their little ones to sleep, but if anything it keeps my baby awake! I was wondering if it’s just that she’s not used to being out and it could be sensory overload? But it’s gutting because I think I need to be out more for my own sake and I really want her to enjoy it.

I don’t have anyone to talk to in RL because I feel embarrassed and like a total failure. I’ve always been very independent but parenthood seems to have broken me! My partner tries his best and he does share the workload with the baby but he is working full time in a new job (WFH) and he isn’t really that available for me to talk to. I also worry that he thinks I’m just a complete moaner and never happy despite being on maternity leave and having the baby that I very much wanted.

Oh god this has turned into an incredibly long post. If you’ve got this far, thank you. And if you have any advice, thank you even more!

I feel duped by all the stuff I read before she was born like ‘all they want is to be close to their mum’ and how they’re comforted by mum’s voice and smell etc. It really feels like I could be anyone off the street and that being near to me doesn’t make any difference to her day! Btw I probably sound totally frazzled and neurotic but I try not to be like this with the baby, I try to be really smiley and warm with her. I do absolutely adore her aswell, get rushes of overwhelming love towards her every single day. Just wish I felt like I was succeeding.

I’ve come to the conclusion that worrying about nap times/ bedtime is pointless I spent weeks obsessing about it bough 4 different books, loads of research spoke to a sleep consultant but you can never control how long they nap so focus on awake windows ( which you are) before 6 months I think it’s almost impossible to have a predictable routine and bedtime will naturally be later ours is half 9.... I found it easier when I dropped the bath in evenings as I think because she likes the bath it was “hyping “ her up so although the bath story feed bedtime sounds great I scrapped the bath and it’s working better..... we do it in morning or afternoon..... I also felt less stressed when I stopped tracking stuff unless you are worried about their weight there is so little you can do with the information and it takes a LOT of energy..... if you need someone to vent to or message let me know I know how you feel

Welcome to parenthood! I think you need to stop trying so hard! When I was a baby, mothers used to just dump them in their prams in the garden and leave them to amuse themselves/cry themselves out until the next feed.

I am not suggesting that this is the way to go, but when I was reading all the things you are trying to do with her (change her position so she gets a different view of the room etc.) I felt I was losing the will to live!

Babies do rule the roost when they are little and your life revolves wholly around them, but - if you allow it - that will gradually change. They do need lots of attention but they also need to be gradually absorbed into the general life of the household and find their place in it - as part of it, but not the whole of it.

Your baby is just a bit too young to be involved in what is going on, and this is the most difficult phase. I know when mine were little I would have things that I wanted to get done during the day and they would become a part of that. They "helped" me!

Honestly this will pass and you will move into a whole new phase, which will also bring its challenges, but a change is as good as a rest!

Do not, whatever you do, feel remotely guilty about doing all the things that parents do to keep sane - stick her in her pushchair and wheel her about for a bit - hopefully she will drop off for a few minutes and you can get a cup of tea and a pee!

I shudder when I see young Mums who feel that they have to do everything right and by the various books/websites. Parenthood is about finding the right way for you and, as long as you are not being actively cruel or neglectful, then your little lass will survive, learning along the way that life is not perfect and that she is just a small cog in the wheel.

Do whatever gets you through was the advice I was given - and even if it is not the letter of the "law" as decreed by the books, you getting through is an achievement in itself.

Take heart - things will get better.

@Mischance thank you for this bit of perspective! I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to do everything ‘right’ and lost my common sense a bit I think! I will definitely take your advice and try to relax a bit 🙂

@mischance thank you for that responce. I have a 16 week old and I needed to read that

- you are welcome.

I completely sympathise with you; I have a 20 week old and even though I also have a 3 year old I’d forgotten what hard work having a young baby is. With my first I started to enjoy being a parent far more once she turned 1 and we could do more things, her personality came out and life didn’t revolve around feeds and naps quite so much.
It feels very relentless at times! My DS has just started rolling and he seems happier now that he can move himself around and doesn’t rely on me to entertain him constantly

Yep, me too in large part. My daughter is 21 weeks chronological age /17 weeks corrected age (which is an extra bit of fun to play with when agonising about milestones), and it's bloody tough, and just absurdly so in lockdown - solidarity and biscuits, it's the only way.

I hear you totally on the constant second guessing yourself - I used to run a big team at work, and I spent fully five minutes this morning agonising about long sleeves vs short sleeves vs cardigan vs suncream! Go into a shop and risk immediate death by Covid vs stay indoors and what if baby never sees any other human beings and grows up to be a hermit in the woods - honestly, I bore myself

I just keep saying to myself that we'll all get through it, and they're quite hard to break in the meantime. Remember how out of our depth we felt on their first few nights? We'll learn, they'll change, we'll make a few errors then learn again. Repeat until they shove off to university/ get married with kids of their own.

Also, on the feeding, I thought you might appreciate this

Thanks also @Mischance - I needed to read that today as well!

@DuvetCaterpillar I absolutely love that meme my baby to a T! You sound exactly like me, hermit in the woods haha! Yep, have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and ride out each phase as it gets thrown our way!

Ooh, I'll tell you what did help - I used to find I got into a right old swither in the middle of the night about settling her back to sleep (feed to sleep vs ride out the full wake cycle and see if she can self settle a bit vs some other batshit idea probably). I wrote myself instructions in big black marker pen taped to the wardrobe - do X for day naps, Y at bed, Z for night wakings. It really helped cut down the sleep deprivation- related indecision!

Love this idea! But... how did you decide on X, Y and Z??

Well, I figured the primary objective was to maximise sleep, since overtired babies won't learn well, and then secondary objective was learning to fall asleep in places that aren't me, and that as she gets older, she'll be able to pick up sleeping skills more easily.

So Z is get her back to sleep ASAP by any means necessary during night wakings, which is mostly feeding until sound asleep then transfer. I've read proper habit forming doesn't really start until six months, and if need be I can deal with it at that point when her little brain is older. It helps she's a pretty good sleeper anyway though, just by quirk of nature.

X and Y are a lot less sacrosanct, but basically equate to my trying something once only at each nap, then prioritising her sleep and feeding to sleep / holding her through the nap or whatever is necessary so she rests, rather than repeatedly doing 'drowsy but awake' or whatever and getting her more and more tired. I've gradually managed to move her from falling asleep on my boob, to my shoulder, and now falling asleep next to me on my bed, so on a flat surface without movement. She did for a lovely fortnight or so accept napping in her cot if I put her down the moment her eyes shut, but that changed, so working her back up to it. Babies seem to be two steps forward one step back in that regard!