Sending a baby to nursery at 5 months.... how do you get through the guilt?

[caniborrowafeeling]

I'm starting a new role in 3 months and will have a 5 month old beautiful baby girl by then. The opportunity is great and was more £££ than I thought, so it would be daft to turn it down.

I can't negotiate a later date, have tried that and they said they would look at another candidate if it was later. So that's out.

So its now looking at nursery! I feel super guilty at the prospect but right now we have one income and it would be a game changer for us financially and for me career wise.

But how do mums overcome the guilt? Help!

It's only in the past 12 years or so that mat leave has been a year - I have a 13.5 year old and paid Mat leave was only 6 months then and so I went back to work and he went to nursery 3 days per week at 6 months old. It's fine - your baby will enjoy the stimulation and play and learn to get on with other children . You will feel guilty for a bit until you both get used to it then it will be fine!

Blimey don't sweat it.

My two went at 6 months and then 7 months as we didn't have so much maternity leave.

Guilt will last for one morning then you'll realise that you can still function and enjoy the adult world

Be very selective about the nursery you choose. Check, check and check again.

You gotta do what you gotta do. It can be hard at the beginning (usually harder for you than the baby), but if it's what you have to do because you need to work then there's absolutely no point beating yourself up about it. DC2 went to the childminders from about 6 months (a few days to start with) and he was absolutely fine!

I went back at 7 months with my first as we couldn’t afford any longer at the time. It may be reassuring for you to know that he has had his last day in reception today and is the most sociable lovely little boy. He has always been slow to conquer physical things such as climbing etc but has always been super advanced socially and has tonnes of friends all of which I put down to him being in nursery from such an early age. So try to see it as an opportunity for your little girl to have new experiences and learn new things.

Why can't you negotiate a later start date? You are entitled to however many weeks may leave! Is it a new company as well as new role? If not I would say it's discrimination. The role is yours and to not give it to you because you're on mat leave is wrong.

That aside, there is no reason to feel guilt. We work for a better life. That better life is for ourselves and our children. You will have more money to provide the basics and more!

Children that go to nursery have much more focus on their development and education.

Being away from your child makes you appreciate them more and being in a working environment helps with mental health.

If children go earlier they are less likely to experience separation anxiety as this is developed later and they will already be comfortable by the time it does.

So find a good nursery and celebrate getting a new role!

Why can't you negotiate a later start date? You are entitled to however many weeks may leave! Is it a new company as well as new role? If not I would say it's discrimination. The role is yours and to not give it to you because you're on mat leave is wrong.

That aside, there is no reason to feel guilt. We work for a better life. That better life is for ourselves and our children. You will have more money to provide the basics and more!

Children that go to nursery have much more focus on their development and education.

Being away from your child makes you appreciate them more and being in a working environment helps with mental health.

If children go earlier they are less likely to experience separation anxiety as this is developed later and they will already be comfortable by the time it does.

So find a good nursery and celebrate getting a new role!

Mine went to nursery FT at 4.5 months old. He settled straightaway with a very caring, small team in the baby room, had huge amounts of hugs and attention from them, and was a well attached baby and toddler (and a hulking great teenager now).
I didn't feel guilty (and nor did DH, but no one asks about dad guilt when they go back to work) as it was the right thing for our family, and the nursery was great. No regrets

My DD went at 4mths one morning a week then 3 days at 6mths and was absolutely fine.

The only thing I wold recommend is looking for a nursery which has a specific baby room where the really little ones are so that they have time to settle and develop in a smaller environment than with lots of other older children.

Trust me they will be completely fine but you need to prepare yourself to be upset about it so make sure the start of nursery isn’t your first day at work - give yourself at least a week to get used to them being at nursery before you try to go straight from
Nursery to work.

You are doing this for the best for your family, I told myself that I'd look to reduce hours or take leave when the kids were a bit older and I've done that round last year before school.

Have you considered a childminder? A bit harder to find but in my experience a good childminder becomes another member of the family, it made it much easier to leave my baby. You'll need recommendations from other mums.

Good luck.

My first went at 5 months, my second at 9 months. They loved it! I used to peek through the door when I arrived for pick up and they were having so much fun! They really thrived at nursery amd I'm sure yours will too.

Both of mine were that age when I returned to work. I felt that nurseries seemed too big, noisy etc for such a young age. We went down the childminder route for this reason. Never regretted it. A home environment. They get out and about lots. Baby groups etc. Very flexible and personal.

Mine went at 9m and was fine. He's gone back after lockdown at 18m and is struggling so much with the separation (not helped by the current arrangement of having to hand him over at the door). Younger was definitely easier all round in my experience.

She will be absolutely fine, it’s a short term pain for long term gain. Plus she’ll have an absolute whale of a time doing all sorts of activities there.

Don’t feel guilty. I went back to work when dd was 3 months. Wasn’t through choice but needs must and actually it was the best thing all round. I didn’t particularly enjoy maternity leave, rubbish maternity pay, and many other reasons.
It’s not affected her one little bit and she’s a happy, sociable, chatty 2 year old.
Maternity leave never used to be as long as it is now. My dm only had a couple of months off and it made no difference to me.
Don’t let anyone else make you feel guilty either. I got ‘you only get this time once’ hand on heart I have to regrets and I don’t feel I missed out.

*no regrets

My first started childcare at 9mo. I hated all the nursery settings we looked and and felt too guilty when looking around them. So clinical, cold, agency staff etc.

We finally looked at a home-from-home setting, a childminder (and her mum as assistant) in her family home with her own kids plus another couple of younger toddlers and it felt right and I stopped feeling guilty because I knew that baby would be in a warm family environment. Lots of cuddles etc.
So I think it's partly about the setting you're leaving them.
Another that helped at first was getting a message and pic of baby happy and smiling (and fed!).

I didn’t have any guilt. She loves nursery and is very bonded to her key person. I enjoy my job and hated mat leave/ full time parenting. Does anyone ask fathers if they feel guilt?

"But how do mums overcome the guilt?"

How do dads overcome it?

By maintaining your career, you are protecting your financial independence and security, your sanity and self-confidence, and you'll be a strong role model for your DD. (Disclaimer: not saying SAHMs are not!! Just trying to be positive about working mothers.)

Also, if you establish yourself in your new role now, you may well find that you're in a position to negotiate flexible or part-time hours later, and when your child is older you'll both appreciate the time together even more.

Maternity leave in the USA is non existent (you can take 12 weeks unpaid) so most babies are in nursery very young, 6 weeks was commonplace. Don't worry, it will be fine

Can you afford a nanny or would you think about a Childminder? You might feel better leaving her in a more home style environment than a nursery. I was dreading leaving baby dd with someone I didn’t know but I visited our current childminder for the first time and it made me feel much better as she was just lovely (and 2 years later is still lovely and dd adores going there)

I did it and have zero regrets. It was the right thing for me to do, not only did I go into a major promotion (and major pay rise), but I also feel like my life isn't defined solely by the fact I had a baby six months ago.

It's not easy - especially if you're going back full time (I did) but I make strict time where I focus solely on DS (5-7 every evening, one full weekend day) with zero distractions, tech etc. I also have a very supportive DH who works super flexibly so that helps.

DS loves nursery and all of the staff there, he gives the biggest smiles when he arrives, and I do think it has accelerated his development (initial few words, sitting up, pulling himself up, standing etc).

I imagine it's not for everyone, but my experience has been really positive.

I think if thats the choice you make then its about sucking up the consequences ie the guilt.

If you want people to assuage your guilt im sure there will be plenty who have done the same as you who will come along and do that for that for you .

Ultimately its about values and which you prioritise . ( it really is - that isn't meant to be snotty )

I picked a childminder rather than a nursery.

This isn’t the same as fathers so it’s a bit silly to use that comparison. A mother has grown the baby inside her body, may or may not be breastfeeding, and if on maternity leave has spent 24 hours a day with the baby since it was born. A father generally can go to work knowing the baby is safe and happy in the arms of its mother. I’m sure OP wouldn’t have the same feelings if she was leaving DD with her DH.