Sending a baby to nursery at 5 months.... how do you get through the guilt?

[caniborrowafeeling]

I'm starting a new role in 3 months and will have a 5 month old beautiful baby girl by then. The opportunity is great and was more £££ than I thought, so it would be daft to turn it down.

I can't negotiate a later date, have tried that and they said they would look at another candidate if it was later. So that's out.

So its now looking at nursery! I feel super guilty at the prospect but right now we have one income and it would be a game changer for us financially and for me career wise.

But how do mums overcome the guilt? Help!

My DD started at 8 months and loves it. Eats really well because of the variation in food while there. She's now a perfectly happy little 3 year old who's dying to get back to see her friends in a couple of weeks.

The earlier they start the easier in my opinion.

No regrets.

My first dd went to nursery at 5 months. I felt momentarily guilty but honestly, others from my baby group followed soon after at 6 months and the ones that took a year ML then had a much harder time settling their dc into childcare.

As long as my dd was fed and cuddled she was happy at nursery. I used to arrive 20mins early and breastfeed her onsite and then feed her again at pick-up before heading home.

She's now a sociable, independent, loving 8 year old home-body.

My 4 year old twins, on the other hand, who had been home for the first three years, had a terrible time settling in to nursery and are so, so clingy!

It was very normal just 15 years ago so doesn’t horrify me. It’s probably easier to settle at that age than at 12 months too.
You do need to choose a place you feel really happy leaving your DD at,

• somewhere you feel she is lucky to be at.

My kids started 6,5,7 months. I can't really answer your question as I didn't feel any guilt.
Actually I was delighted for them all the activities, other babies, lovely food cooked & served 'on time'! To me it seemed the ideal day for my babies. No issues with settling in or being clingy when start that young.
I enjoyed being back to work again I found the repetitive routine of babies hard use my brain differently at work.

Well done with the job having done well with your career and being proud of your own achievements of very important too and your child will also benefit from that.
Took some parental leave when eldest two in school I feel that they & I got more from those weeks than would few extra weeks when babies.

Mine went to nursery full time at 4.5 and 5.5 months. No issues settling them at that age and they have always loved nursery. In the mornings the two of them run in holding hands and I don’t even get a goodbye! They have so much fun and it’s brilliant for their development. Meanwhile I get to continue with a career I love and earn a good salary. I make sure I never bring work home and outsource jobs like cleaning so that the time we have at home together is entirely focussed on the children.

nurseries seemed too big, noisy etc for such a young age. We went down the childminder route for this reason. Never regretted it. A home environment. They get out and about lots. Baby groups etc. Very flexible and personal.

I would agree with this.

Let's be honest a nursery/child minder is qualified experienced childcare expertise providing stimulating and enriching environments. And while I loved my 5mth old DD's very much I was often busy doing cooking, cleaning, washing, school runs or evening sitting on the sofa watching homes under the hammer or furiously mumsnetting to make sure I was doing everything right. I was not giving my child 100% of my attention.

Don't feel guilty you are making a perfectly rationale decision and you will love the time you have together even more.

I agree with many others. When my first child was born I only had 14 weeks paid leave and went back to work when she was 5 months old. It was hard at first, but she was fine. She went to a nursery one day a week and a childminder the rest of the time. At that age, I preferred the childminder, which seemed like a more natural environment for her.

I can’t give you advice on how to cope sending your baby to nursery at 5 months old, but I can tell you I work as a nursery nurse in the baby room at a nursery and the care we give to the babies is exceptional, a good nursery will help you feel at ease listen to all your worries and follow your Instructions for your baby to the letter as well as giving you fantastic advice, we’ve had many parents in your position and we do all of the above to help and it really does help, it’s a good age to settle them into nursery as the babies form bonds quickly and strongly and the parents see this. I do however advise that you research the nursery and visit it, book in some settling in sessions ( most nurseries offer these for free) and see how you feel during these sessions. I hope this helps.

My third started at 3.5 months old for 2 days a week and was spoiled rotten. She was 4 weeks early and tiny, everybody loved her and she got loads of cuddles and attention. She still sees one of the managers now (she’s 9) and complains she can’t go to after school club.

My first son went at 5.5m, i remember the first morning i dropped him i cried all the way to work.
but actually he was well cared for and i returned to a job i loved.

It is hard but if you choose the right nursery, she will get plenty of love there too. The lockdown made me appreciate nursery more than ever before and I have sworn never to feel guilty again! You will all be fine and she won't remember when she grows up. She will only remember being with you x

Firstly nursery staff are amazing and she will be fine!

As another option could your partner take shared parental leave? We did this and ended up receiving enhanced parental leave pay from both employers so ended up better off than if I'd taken a full year. (That wasn't the reason for me going back, I just needed to for my sanity)

Mine went at five months, to a place where they didn't speak his language. He survived and will be doing medecine in said language in September. Did him no harm. It's much, much worse for us.

Realistically what is there to actually feel guilty about? It just societal pressure that tells us it's not right. The babies are left with paid professionals who have been specifically chosen and have chosen to work with kids.

Would you feel guilty leaving them with family? There isn't any difference to the child.

I wasn't comfortable with a CM when DD was little. I liked that there were many watchful eyes in a nursery whereas I felt a CM could say they did X all day but may not have. I've had bad experiences with CM but with hindsight I think CM from the beginning would be better. When she was little they worked in shifts and sometimes there were people she didn't know or like and she would cry when handed over. If it was her favourite staff she would reach out to them and then look at me like... well go then!

Realistically what is there to actually feel guilty about? It just societal pressure that tells us it's not right. The babies are left with paid professionals who have been specifically chosen and have chosen to work with kids.

Would you feel guilty leaving them with family? There isn't any difference to the child.

I wasn't comfortable with a CM when DD was little. I liked that there were many watchful eyes in a nursery whereas I felt a CM could say they did X all day but may not have. I've had bad experiences with CM but with hindsight I think CM from the beginning would be better. When she was little they worked in shifts and sometimes there were people she didn't know or like and she would cry when handed over. If it was her favourite staff she would reach out to them and then look at me like... well go then!

It’s harder for the mum than the baby. But I’ve been there and You (and baby) will be ok I promise I felt awful when I left my youngest at nursery at 5 months but I am self employed so I had no choice, as no work, means no pay. I had exhausted my savings.

I won’t lie, prepare yourself for the beginning to be hard. In the first month I struggled and felt all the guilt but the nursery staff were wonderful and reassuring and I totally trusted them which helped.

In hindsight it was really positive for DS as he never knew any different so we never had any issues about settling or being clingy or missing me. He’s 3 now and still at the same nursery and it’s like a second home. He talks about the staff all the time in a positive way which is lovely.

Compared to my eldest child who didn’t start nursery til 15 months and never settled and hated it and had real separation anxiety issues. That was harder as it lasted until he was 4 and went to school and I felt worse as he would be able to tell me he hated it and didn’t want to go!

My first daughter went to nursery at just over 3 months old and I did feel massive guilt but we'd taken on a huge mortgage just before I fell pregnant and my work only paid statutory mat pay which was a ludicrously small amount compared to salary.

I did have a few teary mornings (me, not my LO!) and I felt a little bitter at times when I would see my SAHM friends having all that time with their children but my eldest is a teenager now and through her life has shown incredible independence and a real 'go for it' approach. We're very very close and I'm so proud of what she's become, I don't think the nursery 'made' her like that but what I'm trying to say is that it didn't stop her from being the wonderful young lady she is now.

Like another PP above the absolute best advice I can give you is that you choose the nursery that feels and looks right to you, even if it's the most expensive option in the area. If you get even a tiny whiff that it's not a light, bright happy place then move on to looking at the next one!

I dropped off DS1 at nursery for the first time at 5 months and virtually danced out of the door with the relief. He went 2 days per week and I had one day pw of freelance work.

Guilt is a waste of energy and emotion. Your baby will be happy and cared for. Ignore anyone including those on this thread who tries to make you feel bad and enjoy the times you have together. As women who need to work have done for centuries.

Mine went childminder at 5 months and she loved it!! The first week is hard but I can see how much she loved it and the interaction with others. She now jumps out of my arms to childminder when we get there and that totally reassured me she loves it there.

Mine went at 6 weeks because I only got 12 weeks mat leave, had to stop work at 34 weeks due to SPD and she was 2 weeks overdue! Luckily I was a teacher and I went back th day before the Christmas holidays so got an extra 2 weeks. I always knew that would be the case and got into the mindset of it very early on. It was a killer physically though! She thrived in nursery.

I never did really but plenty manage it guilt free. I started back two days when she was 11months and I hated sending her. It was a new job for me as well and it was very stressful because she was always ill with every bug going and nursery were constantly ringing me to leave work and pick her up for at least the first two years.
Wouldn't even consider a child minder though. Not enough accountability imo.

I went back to work when DD1 was 3 months. In some ways it’s easier when they are so little because they know no different. DD2 was 9 months and it was harder on her, I think, due to being used to me as her main carer until that point. You will feel guilty no matter what age your DD is when you go back to work but it will pass. The key is finding childcare that you are happy with.

I think guilt is a loaded term. You have no reason to feel guilty. If you have emotional dissonance with using childcare at this stage in your baby's life, then that's something that you should be guided by. Obviously, you need and should factor what the job will give you (money, confidence, career building), and how much you NEED those things (do you need the increase in salary, do you need to feel valued in your career [its ok to say yes]?)Only you can balance these decisions. Make the right one for you.

Do not be guided by guilt of not being at home, nor the capitalist myth that we all need to be churning out £££ to have any purpose in life.

Yes, have a look at shared parental leave, if you have a partner. We did this both times; I went back at about 7 months each time and was very very glad to. Sets you up for proper shared parenting.

Also, the baby room workers at the DCs nursery say it's much easier to settle them at 6 months- 9 months to 1 is about peak for separation anxiety, so you'll probably have an easier ride of settling in at that age.