Saying I have hurt her when I haven't

[slowlyfailingaway]

I need some advice on how to deal with my dds latest behaviour. She has become increasingly naughty during lockdown, understandable it's quite a stressful time. I am on maternity leave currently so we are here all day together and have followed lockdown pretty close to the letter.

A few weeks ago she started shouting liar at me and calling me a liar whenever her dad came home from work and I told him about her behaviour during the day. but this seems to have developed into today, I asked her to play music in either her bedroom or the playroom, and she didn't want to, so she told me that she was going to tell daddy that I have kicked her and punched her in the face today 😨 I obviously haven't done anything of the sort, and was horrified. I told her that if she says things like this then regardless of if it's true or not, I will get in a lot of trouble. She doesn't believe me so doesn't care. This went on for a while so I started recording on my phone and said that if she was going to be saying things like this I need to be able to prove that this hasn't happened, the next hour was spent throwing herself at me trying to break my phone and hurt me.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I am at a complete loss

How old is she?

She's 6

Why would you get in trouble? How old is she? Are you scared of your DP?

No of course I'm not scared of him, I would imagine if she started telling people that i punch and kick her during the day that I would have a knock on my door from social services, I have absolutely no experience with anything like that.

Does she have any special needs? What consequences do you and your partner issue when she behaves like this and what is he doing to support you? Have you seeked counselling or a referral for her behaviour?

Does she sleep enough? Is her eating ok? How much sugar does she consume? Does she exercise to release energy?

Have you spoken to school? They can support you even in lockdown.

Ultimately you need boundaries and consequences if she doesn't any special needs she may need investigating.

The attention your prolonged responses are giving her such as trying to explain you would get into trouble or saying you are going to record it to prove she is lying it is fueling her continued responses.

Firmly nip any threats the bud without conversation and then distract her/divert the conversation, if she then goes on to lie to your dh, again you/he should nip in the bud and follow through with consequences, you dont need to explain yourself to her - she knows why it is wrong.

Give her plenty of positive attention during the day, why was she being sent off alone to play music elsewhere in the house? Has she been home alone during lockdown, it is tough/lonely on this age group.

She does not have any special needs no and is doing very well at school, has never been in trouble. She is definitely missing her friends but she FaceTimes then and as lockdown has started to ease we have seen family now, I can completely understand it has been hard on her, coupled with a new sibling she is obviously struggling with the changes. I make a point of spending time with her during the day, as well as doing school work with her, her dad makes a point of doing something with her when he gets home.

She has consequences to her behaviour yes, which are always followed through.

I was asking her to play her music in another room as the baby was napping, and she plays it high and sings along and makes dances, which is fine, but when the baby is sleeping she can't do that in the living room.

Why was she allowed to throw herself at you/r phone for an hour? What was the consequence for that?

@Modestandatinybitsexy

Why was she allowed to throw herself at you/r phone for an hour? What was the consequence for that?

I put her in her room, she lost her iPad for the rest of the day whereas normally she would be allowed on it after dinner for half hour, she lost the ice cream she asked for, none of it made any difference, I ended up just ignoring her and moving away everytime, and after an hour she got bored and went to do something else

Imo the solution is to stop looking after her....
Leave her dps to deal with her behaviour.
Before she tells someone outside of the family these tales and you end up having to prove your innocence.

@Sunnydayshereatlast how can she stop
Looking after her own daughter?!

@Sunnydayshereatlast

Imo the solution is to stop looking after her.... Leave her dps to deal with her behaviour. Before she tells someone outside of the family these tales and you end up having to prove your innocence.

What? She’s OP’s child.

Read her the story of the boy who cried wolf. Helped my DS understand that if he starts telling lies then no-one will believe him when he tells the truth.

You mentioned that you are on maternity, so I take it there is a relatively new sibling on the scene, plus of course the lack of school. Neither of these things excuse her behaviour but will go somewhere towards an explanation. She is clearly having some big feelings at the moment. Feelings she probably doesn't understand herself. Firstly don't engage with her threats. Speak with dh about what she is saying and agree to ignore her when she says this kind of thing. You have explained why she shouldn't say it no point going on about it. You could respond with something like 'that's sad because I love you very much and would never hurt you'. Remove yourself from her if you can if she is being violent but don't hold a grudge when she has calmed down or being pleasant again. By all means have consequences but be careful not to drag things out.

I’d love bomb her. She sounds like she creating havoc for attention.

How much 1-2-1 time do you have with her? I know you said you do but it is quality relaxing time? Do you read stories with her when she goes bed? Do you talk about things that interest her, what she finds funny. Do you laugh together?

Through out the day how much do you touch her eg, stroke her hair, tell her how much you love her, touch her arm or shoulder when talking to her. How much positive eye contact do you have?

Also don’t inflame the situation by getting your phone out and recording her and telling her what your doing. Take a step back.

Read it as dsd!!

I was asking her to play her music in another room as the baby was napping, and she plays it high and sings along and makes dances, which is fine, but when the baby is sleeping she can't do that in the living room.

The baby sleeping is the perfect time to spend 1-2-1 time with your dd, who seems to be struggling just now, instead of asking her to leave the room. Can the baby be moved to another room to nap with a monitor?

Yes on maternity, so new sibling. I am very aware of the huge changes she has been through that is completely out of her control. I try to make an effort to spend time with her during the long nap in the day, I find fun activities that I think she will like and spend some time together. I could definitely make more of an effort, it's hard when her behaviour is so difficult for the majority of the day. I will try harder.

@WeAllHaveWings

I was asking her to play her music in another room as the baby was napping, and she plays it high and sings along and makes dances, which is fine, but when the baby is sleeping she can't do that in the living room.

The baby sleeping is the perfect time to spend 1-2-1 time with your dd, who seems to be struggling just now, instead of asking her to leave the room. Can the baby be moved to another room to nap with a monitor?

We usually try and do a fun activity during this time,or play whatever she wants. I asked her to move rooms as she wanted to dance and sing, which she has to do at the back of the house or she wakes the baby, he is upstairs asleep but she is quite loud. I go with her.

I wouldn’t give it as much attention, saying you’ll get in trouble is giving her none sense power.
Also starting to record the situation is giving it more attention and quite frankly escalating it.

If you’re discussing her behaviour with you DH when he comes home in front of her I would stop and speak privately, she’s possibly being defensive.

Lies and that kind of threat should not be tolerated at all. If you’re doing plenty with her and she’s getting lots of individual time then it’s really time for some firmer discipline.
Unkind words and lies would be an early bedtime etc

There's a couple ideas to try so thankyou, I will try lovebombing her and maybe put her to bed myself more often than her dad. The boy who cried wolf is a great idea as well thankyou

There's a couple ideas to try so thankyou, I will try lovebombing her and maybe put her to bed myself more often than her dad. The boy who cried wolf is a great idea as well thankyou

This sounds quite worrying! Is this the first time? I wouldn’t of started recording though. What does her dad think? It’s sounds like a cry for help from DD. How old is the baby?

Oh no that’s awful and you are on maternity too so you must be so stressed with this! I don’t think anyone will think you would hurt her to be honest simply because kids can go through phases of these things. Of course you don’t want social services questioning you when it’s untrue though I get that, or for anyone to even consider you would do such a thing.I really liked the idea of reading her the boy who cried wolf, I wouldn’t have thought of that myself but it’s a brilliant idea. I’d say lockdown and then having a new sibling contributed to this behaviour hugely.

I think there could be a few problems here but the main thing that jumps out at me is you discussing her beahviour to your partner in front of her when he gets home. I am unsure as to why you would do this. For one, it sets a bad tone, 2) she is going to be defensive 3) you lose power and authority in her eyes.
You don't need to tell him, you deal with the situation yourself when the problem rises, then you repair with her and you move on. Your DD will be seeing her Dad as the authority figure and you as someone who has no authority. I think this is a large part of what she is doing, I think she isn't respecting your authority.
Of course you can discuss her behaviour with your partner once shes asleep but you aren't doing yourself any favours doing it in front of her xx