Considering termination after a planned pregnancy

[Justkillmenow]

Ok guys, this is a hard one.

Partner and I decided to start trying for another baby a couple of months ago. It took me a looong time to get pregnant with my first due to PCOS, so we thought we'd start early to avoid a massive age gap (my first is now a year and a half). Well it took one time. I know, I KNOW how incredibly lucky and blessed we have been to have it happened so quickly, but. Oh the buts.

I was over the moon when I found out, and then a week or so after everything changed. I started to get panicky and anxious. We live in a two bed right now, so we need to move to a bigger place ASAP, which means putting the place up for sale (it does need some work done) and finding something suitable and within budget. We both are low earners and at the moment I'm just working one day at the weekend to avoid paying for childcare as we don't have any family around to help out (not that they should anyway, of course). This has been working fine but we can't afford any luxuries. The plan has always been for me to stay home with the kid/kids during the week until they start nursery and school and I can put on more hours, that's why we wanted a small age gap, to shorten those years with a very tight budget.

Now it all seems bonkers to me and I can't for the life of me understand what we were thinking! There is no way we can get the house in shape and put it in the market in a reasonable amount of time. Also, I'm suffering with hyperemesis this time around, which has me drained and weak all day long, so I'm not able to do anything besides the bare minimum to keep my little one alive and well.
It's gotten to a point where I'm seriously considering having a termination. I had prenatal and postnatal depression last time around, so I know what pregnancy does to me and I know there is bound to be a hormonal component to what's going on in my head right now, but I am extremely low and worried constantly. I fear I'm jeopardising my child's future solely for the fact that I didn't want her to grow up on her own. My partner is extremely supportive and will go with anything that I decide, he was very shocked as well that it all happened so fast and now it looks like our lives are out of control.

I have a phone appt tomorrow with BPAS, and the midwife is due to call me any day now for my booking appt. I feel like I'm split in two and can't reconcile the two halfs. I'm literally going insane. Will be 8 weeks pregnant soon so I need to decide quickly, bit I don't seem to be able to reach a definite resolution.

Please, if you have any words of wisdom, however cruel they might be, have a go at me.

Imagine each worst case scenario and imagine which you would regret most.

Slow down a bit op.....why the urgency to move???.
I remember trying for both pregnancies and that positive test does make you go what in earth have we done!!

Only you can decide, but I don’t think there is ever an easy time to have a 2nd baby if that helps at all.
Can you speak to your midwife as it sounds like the sickness and perhaps depression is clouding your judgement. I’d really worry that you’d regret it if you terminated.

No one should have a go at you. You alone know how you are feeling now, and how you will feel in the future. My pregnancies were like buses, none for ever then bamb bamb bamb, I had similar feelings to you. I did what was best for me in that Situation, sorry if that’s no help, just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts .

Why do you need to sell up? Baby will be with you for at least six months, kids can share a room until the oldest is 10ish, longer if they're the same sex.

You're shocked because it didn't take you long to fall pregnant again. Obviously it's your choice to terminate or not but this baby was wanted, you can 100% make it work

Just wanted to say you poor thing. I honestly think most women have this panicked thing when they first find out they're pregnant no matter how wanted or how planned the baby is. I think they can last an hour or a week or the whole time.

I had awful hyperemesis with my second also which saw me admitted to hospital and it too made me think I can't do this especially with another little one who I couldn't do anything for. My second baby was also planned. I do think the sickness knocks you and makes you feel your making a bad decision.

Also I had two kids in a two bed and it was fine we had a small courtyard garden as well and honestly no space - we managed to get them both sharing a room somewhat peacefully after a bit of jigging about.

Don't get me wrong all babies are hard work and most pregnant women feel this way like wtf have we done. I kept thinking we wouldn't cope but we have and it's absolutely fine obviously it's been tough but the two bed thing had nothing to do with any of the hardships.

I wish I could offer you some RL support because I felt similar to you, sending you all the love and make sure your getting some iron because that can really make the sickness worse

I had a planned pregnancy and felt this way in the first trimester. The feelings lifted after 13 ish weeks but I did go on to have quite severe PND. I only mention this as with HM as well, you're really going through it. Could pre-natal anxiety / depression be sneaking in? Ah I just read the bit of your post where you said you had this last time too. I think this could be playing a big part.

No one should or will have a go at you.

I would seek help for the pre-natal anxiety and depression firstly. I know time is of the essence but you do have time do tackle things one by one.

Spelling mistakes a plenty there!

It's totally normal to feel this way. (I think anyway!)

I'm pregnant and I spent well over year discussing with my DP the pros and cons of another baby, the finances, the practicalities etc etc. We finally decided to start trying and it took me another 6 months to get my contraception removed.

I fell first try after that and am now 4 months. And completely regretting my decision. We can't afford it, I'm too old, I'll be trapped forever, it's just another thing for me to look after, I haven't got the energy, my partner won't pull his weight, the financial burden will be on me not him, I'm fat. All these things going through my head while my partner is over the moon, my mums knitting cardigans and my kids are choosing baby names. I'm exhausted.

I'm 13 weeks with my second planned baby. We are in a small 2 bed plus box room, terrible sickness, my depression spiralled as soon as i come off meds, my husband repeatedly told me not to go through with the pregnancy and has now left me. It's shit, life would be easier if i only had the one to deal with, but i know in my soul I'd regret terminating a planned pregnancy. You can and will manage if this is what you want to do. There are options for you if you don't want to. Our opinions don't matter, only yours does.

well, I would suggest you look at the perspective of time.

Firstly, you've got 7 months till the baby would be here.
Secondly, baby would be in your room for first 6-12 months
Thirdly baby and sibling can share a room when they are small, usually quite easily.

So you don't really need to move for, say 2 years minimum.

For money, it will be cheaper for you to have the 2 closer in age. Eating similar foods, passing down clothes, sharing toys etc and when the eldest is 3 (12 months from when baby is born) you will likely qualify for 30 hours childcare too.

You might be able to get some evening work from home for a little extra cash, with Corona many home based jobs are becoming available.

It sounds like you are in shock and having a panic, take a few days to think as logically as you can.

Ask yourself - when will the right time be to have another baby if not now?

I don't see any urgency to move right away. Two opposite sex children can share a room until age 10 or so or forever if same gender.

This was me.....and we chose not to continue. I had horrific antenatal depression, severe anxiety and was panicking every second. My first pregnancy was hideous with all the same mental health issues, hyperemesis, bleeding and both of us very sick afterwards.
We planned, and regretted it straight away as it was like a switch had flipped in me - instantly anxious, panicking and vomiting 25, 30 times a day. I couldn't do it all again when faced with the reality of what pregnancy does to me. It was heartbreaking but 100% the right decision for us.

Oh bless your heart, I feel for you.

I have PCOS too and had years of fertility treatment to have DS 7 months ago. 3 months ago, I then stupidly didn't use protection because I had never needed to and I only had one tube due to an ectopic pregnancy. But I got pregnant. I was terrified, we had decided no more children as my mental health was so so bad before and after the pregnancy. I had a week where my husband and I were so angry with ourselves, we rang the clinic, but didn't advance further and then I lost it. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I didn't miscarry.
I hope you reach a decision that you are both happy with. Best wishes.

Good heavens! My sister is 3 years older than me. My brother is 1 year older than me. When I was a baby all three of us were in one bedroom. Yep, a baby and two toddlers. Three cots in one room. Our parents made it work.

You will make it work. Right now your toddler can be in the second bedroom. New baby won't even be born until around February, something like that? Then the baby will be in the same bedroom with you for, maybe, six months or longer? That gets you to August/September 2021. Maybe by then you'll be ready to sell the house. Or, both children could be in the second bedroom.

You're spiraling OP. Deep breath, try to relax. As PPs have said, there is no need to move. Presumably the baby would be in your room for the first few months and then they can share with their sibling. The first stage of pregnancy is always daunting ime. It's feeling that you've started a ball rolling that you can't stop. It can make you feel trapped. But you're not trapped.
Have a chat with your GP or your MW about your MH, about the risks of depression again. The reasons you had for choosing this pregnancy are still the same but you need to tease out if you're just experiencing a wobble just now or if it's more than that.

You don’t need to move yet, and if both are the same sex they can share a room longer term, if opposite they can share for a while

Think about how you would feel if you did terminate but then had difficulty conceiving again, take your time and stop panicking, think about the pros and cons before agreeing anything

A toddler and a baby will be fine to share a bedroom, you don't need to move right now and, if you do, you'll find a way to do it.
Morning sickness is well and truly shit, but at 18 months, your DC1 won't remember anything about this period, lots of cbeebies is the way forwards. Coping with a baby and a toddler really is much better than pregnancy and a toddler.
You can do this, bit it's very normal to have a wobble.

’I had prenatal and postnatal depression last time around, so I know what pregnancy does to me’

So there’s a good chance you are suffering from pre natal depression.

I think you should talk to a good GP, one that knows your history, and tell them how you’re feeling. Remind then of your previous pre and post natal depression. Tell them you’re considering an abortion. Ask if they’ll prescribe you the most suitable antidepressants. See how you feel after a fortnight or so on medication. You may still feel the same but you’ll be making the decision from a calmer, steadier place. I think depression often skews perspective, so that all the negatives seem magnified and the positives shrink until they’re hard to see. Your home won’t grow any bedrooms but the importance of each child having their own room might wane.

Whatever you decide, good luck and I hope your sickness passes soon

HG is tough. HG in the middle of a pandemic, with another child on top is even tougher (voice of experience here).

I’d suggest talking to your GP as soon as possible and getting some proper medication in place. Then hopefully you’ll be able to think with a clearer head. Your obviously in shock and I don’t think you should make an rash decisions until your sure.

Definitely speak to your GP before making any rash decisions. You'd planned the baby for a reason and it would be terrible to have an abortion and then not be so lucky with conceiving again if you wanted another one later.

And don't worry about moving- we moved to a bigger place when DC2 was born, and 5 years later they are still sharing a room and neither of them want to move out into their own- they prefer the companionship of sharing. They're angling for DC3 to join them now and want to move the toys from their room into one of our spare rooms to accommodate the extra bed. It's going to look like a dormitory in there but it's nice that they're growing up close and want to share. It's honestly not worth worrying about the bedrooms at this stage.

I honestly think a smaller gap is so much easier (and cheaper as mentioned above). Be kind to yourself- I know it's a shock it's happened so soon but I wouldn't let things like living in a two bed properly put you off. But do what's right for you.

I have 13 months between my youngest kids, they’ve always shared a room. Work and juggling kids Is hard but the majority of families manage (nurse & police here) it’s difficult but you have a home, whilst they are small they can share even if boy/girl whilst you do any work to sell. You’re having a tough time with hyperemeses can’t imagine how awful that is. You wanted this baby I hope you can make a decision that’s right for you and your family
Take care of yourself

Oh, you poor thing. Sending you a great big virtual hug.

The house stuff is literally not a thing. Put it aside. Yes, in a perfect world maybe you'd have three+ bedrooms and a massive garden or whatever, but you don't need those things to make it work just fine with a second child. This is just your mind going down a rabbit-hole of worry.

It took me five years of fertility treatment to get pregnant and stay pregnant. In an earlier pregnancy (which sadly ended in miscarriage), I was so overwhelmed by 'what have I done?' thoughts that I was constantly thinking I ought to terminate. After I miscarried I went straight back to trying to get pregnant again. And then once I (eventually, expensively) did, I once again gradually started to feel more and more as though I'd made a horrible mistake and didn't even want to have a baby anyway, to the extent that I was convinced he'd be stillborn because that made sense to me somehow. I remember being internally really confused, at an antenatal appointment, by the midwife asking me if I'd started bonding with the baby, because why would I be doing that? And genuinely gobsmacked in the hospital when I did indeed have an actual baby. Anyway, fast forward and there's a squashy little three month old asleep under my armpit and he's actually rather lovely.

Anxiety and depression can really do a number on your mind, and it's incredibly tough. Add in HG and you must be feeling absolutely awful. I think the best advice I can give, though, is to think about that side of things - am I physically and mentally able to go through pregnancy, given its health impacts on me? - and not so much about things like trying to solve the house or big nebulous questions about your child's future being ruined. Those latter worries are just that - worries, things that anxiety is throwing at you. They are symptoms of the problem, not the problem itself.

I definitely agree with others that getting some help for how you are feeling is an important priority. I think the way to look at this whole situation is to focus on how and whether you can get through being pregnant when it has such significant impacts on you. It may be that you decide you can't, and there's no shame in that. But I think it's important to recognise that that's the problem you're currently having, not how many bedrooms you have or whatever.

Very best wishes to you and your family. Take care.

I am reading all of your responses. Thank you very much for all your kindness and compassion. You are all helping immensely x