Considering termination after a planned pregnancy

[Justkillmenow]

Ok guys, this is a hard one.

Partner and I decided to start trying for another baby a couple of months ago. It took me a looong time to get pregnant with my first due to PCOS, so we thought we'd start early to avoid a massive age gap (my first is now a year and a half). Well it took one time. I know, I KNOW how incredibly lucky and blessed we have been to have it happened so quickly, but. Oh the buts.

I was over the moon when I found out, and then a week or so after everything changed. I started to get panicky and anxious. We live in a two bed right now, so we need to move to a bigger place ASAP, which means putting the place up for sale (it does need some work done) and finding something suitable and within budget. We both are low earners and at the moment I'm just working one day at the weekend to avoid paying for childcare as we don't have any family around to help out (not that they should anyway, of course). This has been working fine but we can't afford any luxuries. The plan has always been for me to stay home with the kid/kids during the week until they start nursery and school and I can put on more hours, that's why we wanted a small age gap, to shorten those years with a very tight budget.

Now it all seems bonkers to me and I can't for the life of me understand what we were thinking! There is no way we can get the house in shape and put it in the market in a reasonable amount of time. Also, I'm suffering with hyperemesis this time around, which has me drained and weak all day long, so I'm not able to do anything besides the bare minimum to keep my little one alive and well.
It's gotten to a point where I'm seriously considering having a termination. I had prenatal and postnatal depression last time around, so I know what pregnancy does to me and I know there is bound to be a hormonal component to what's going on in my head right now, but I am extremely low and worried constantly. I fear I'm jeopardising my child's future solely for the fact that I didn't want her to grow up on her own. My partner is extremely supportive and will go with anything that I decide, he was very shocked as well that it all happened so fast and now it looks like our lives are out of control.

I have a phone appt tomorrow with BPAS, and the midwife is due to call me any day now for my booking appt. I feel like I'm split in two and can't reconcile the two halfs. I'm literally going insane. Will be 8 weeks pregnant soon so I need to decide quickly, bit I don't seem to be able to reach a definite resolution.

Please, if you have any words of wisdom, however cruel they might be, have a go at me.

You need to take care of yourself right now as a priority. Realistically, this is probably depression and anxiety talking, not really you. I think if you can imagine the choice between a couple challenging years but a baby you very much wanted and the alternative, which is still challenging (a bigger age gap also presents challenges), but the possibility that you may not get pregnant again so easily.

You absolutely do not need a bigger house. You can certainly have two young children in a two bed house. Baby will presumably sleep with you for the first months and you can easily plan to sleep together for a year or more. Or if you find you absolutely must sleep separately, then consider putting them together or getting a sofa bed for the lounge and you and your partner sleep there. Both of mine have slept with me and dh until they were 2 and 3.5 respectively, so you can easily buy yourself some time. You can easily manage it for another 2 years or more.

I personally have a large age gap (because I wanted to go back to work and we were happy to pay for childcare for both of them). But if you aren't able to go back to work with one in nursery, then it makes good sense to have both now, make the most of the time when they are little and then get yourself back into work. This means you have time to plan ahead for how to manage school runs and flexible working and you won't be doing two drop offs/pick ups to two different places. Great.

But in the meantime, take care of yourself. Get yourself some support and take some time to clear your head.

Thank again for taking the time to write a response, I really appreciate it. If I do try and put together what scares me the most about either option it would look like this:
What I fear the most about going ahead with the pregnancy:

1. Getting stuck on low paid jobs forever and not being able to afford basic commodities for my already existing child. I do feel like splitting out budget right now is a betrayal to her, because she's already here.
2. Not having a third bedroom is a problem for me. Last time my PND lifted when I put my little one into her own room when she was 3 months old.

I know this is not a standard procedure and not everybody will agree to this, but it was my doctor who actually suggested it as at that moment I had lost my sense of identity and was always feeling like I couldn't breathe. Getting back that tiny bit of my own space to be able to get into bed without worrying about how much noise I was making and being able to read and talk to my pattern before going to sleep played a massive rol in getting my sanity back. So it does worry me very much.

What I fear the most about having a termination is what I feared before getting pregnant, plus obviously the guilt, but I'd very much deserve it and it would be only fair for me to suffer after having behaved in such a reckless manner.
This would be the thought of my little one growing up on her own. My partner doesn't have much family left (3 relatives) and none of them either live close nor have or will be able to have any children. My personal relashionship with my family is its own separate story, but I come from a background of abuse and I'm not in contact with them. The main thing is that when we die, she'll be on her own. My only hope is that by then she would have hopefully have her own family, however that might look like (friends, a spouse, children...).

So this is me back at the beginning I suppose.

Hey OP - we had 2, and were in a 2 bed house til the youngest was about 2 years old. They shared a room

Whatever you decide, everything will work out x good luck

Update: I just had my consultation with EPAS and they told me to ring in a couple of days. They said that it wouldn't be ethical to discuss treatment further as I sound very unsure. The lady was lovely and I didn't feel judged in the slightest. Also she didn't make me feel like I wasted her time.

Hi OP, good to see your experience was a positive one 😊 it's good that you have some space to really think about your choices.

Second children are supposedly a lot cheaper than first children as you already have toys/clothes/etc to use again. Is there any particular reason that you can't see your newborn going into DD's room at 3 months? You say the age gap is small so night wakings, while inconvenient, won't be detrimental to school or anything like that at the moment.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to and get an unbiased opinion from?

Just wanted to quickly say that my sister and I grew up in a tiny 2 bed flat and shared a room until one of us moved out (until we were 19 and 20 respectively, ). It was fine, we were fine, thr only annoying thing was her using the bloody hairdryer at 6am

So I'd say don't worry about the size of your house!

How are you doing now op? Hope all is well and you're coping with everything. X

@DamnYouAutocucumber thanks for checking!
I was actually planning on giving you all an update, even if it's just for future visitors sake.
I did book an appt with BPAS to have a termination, but the night before it became clear to me that I didn't want to do it. It doesn't mean that I'm no longer scared and anxious, but the thought of going through with the termination filled me with sadness, so we have decided to stick to our original plan and actually keep the baby that we were so excited to try to make.

We are aware that is going to be really hard, and that money will be tight for another few years before I can go back to work fully, and that the family dynamic that we love so much is about to change forever, but I already felt all this things when I got pregnant with my first, so I refuse to let fear take over. We'll make it work.

I'm still suffering with prenatal depression and anxiety along with hyperemesis, so it's still really tough and not a day comes by where I don't question my decision to keep my baby, but now I know for sure that I wouldn't be able to go through with the alternative it's a bit easier, as I just have to get on with it and that's that. Now and then I look at my little one and think that she's about to gain a family member, one that she'll hopefully have for the rest of her life, and that gives me a bit of peace.

Thank you all for your support, it was invaluable at a very difficult time. If any of you is reading this and going through a similar thing, please feel free to comment here or message me xxx

I recently found out I am pregnant with DC2 and like you, I have PCOS so thought conceiving naturally or so quickly after DC1 (who took fertility treatment) was not going to happen easily.

We also live in a 2 bed place and some of my first worries were about how we were going to make that work with a baby and a toddler - could they share a room? Would we need a bigger car? How will we do this financially? We're not in a position to move easily either. I've found myself spiralling with thoughts of how we will cope, even wondering if DC1 will be OK sharing a room and whether it's fair to her!

I've had to be realistic though and get those thoughts in check because we do want this baby, even if timing was a bit unexpected. I think you can too, as pps have said: the baby will be in your room for the first 6 months; having a toddler and a baby sharing a room when the time comes may have its difficulties but they are also young and will adapt quickly to a new normal; you may already have everything you need from your first baby (at least big ticket items); having children close in age gets certain things out the way at the same time (nappies, weaning, sleep disruption)

I think though you have to do what feels right for you and your family. It will be made a lot worse by feeling awful and unwell, so be kind to yourself.

Honestly OP, I really don't understand what you're worried about. Your children could share a room for many years. You don't really need to move at all! My nieces share a room (aged 6 and 4). My friend lives in a 2 bedroom rented houses and has 3 strapping teenage sons sharing a room!! Obviously not ideal but there's no need for you to terminate a pregnancy over this issue. If you don't want the baby for another reason then that's different but you're putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself over nothing! There's no way I'd consider terminating a pregnancy because they'd have to share a room. In many places in the world there are whole families sharing a room.

Ah I see you've made your decision. Ignore my last post. Wishing you all the best!