My DH and kids are going to be the death of me.

[Exhaustedone]

I end up feeling emotionally and mentally battered and bruised a couple of times every week and have to skip the kids bedtime just to get into bed myself at 7pm. I also get physical aches and pains, IBS and migraines which my doctor has attributed to stress.

I have an older child who talks incessantly and asks questions constantly, a 2.5 year old who has terrible temper tantrums and cries if I give him the wrong cup, spoon or bowl. He wants to be held and cuddled constantly but only be me.

I have a DH in a high-stress job who comes home and verbally dumps his day on me as I'm juggling the kids, cooking our evening meal etc. He also talks incessantly and asks lots of questions. He is always talking, but never listens.

I get no mental space at all during the day time and by the evening, I want to curl up in a ball under the duvet. I go to work part-time but partly work from home so sometimes don't see other adults even when I'm at work. I enjoy the quiet though.

Everyone in my house seems to need my attention ALL the time.

This evening, I'm in bed again after having an IBS flare up this afternoon. I can't go on like this. I keep thinking that they will be the death of me. They need to give me some mental space. I can't think clearly at all.

They youngest still wakes during the night sometimes and will only settle for me. DH can be quite smothering and I have to remind him to give me a little space, but he will also drop us easily for his hobby which takes him away from the home for full weekends several times throughout the year.

If I mention this to anyone, they just tell me to be more like DH and do more for myself but I'm just so tired and mildly ill such a lot that I don't have the energy.

I've had a lot of blood tests over the last 12 months to rule things out but nothing has been pinpointed. My doctor just keeps on coming back to stress being the cause.

Would it be less stressful for me to just return to work full-time? I'd have less school-runs, less evenings meals to cook, less time with the toddler and I'd be a lot less available to everyone.

I've been committed to being a hands-on, very present and available mother because my own DM stayed at home until my sibling and I went to school. But I feel really taken for granted and fed up like this. Part of me wonders if I would find life even more of a juggle if I went back to full-time working, but also I have realised since lockdown that I am longing for some freedom from all of them.

I force myself out of the house to meet up with friends 1-2 times per week which I enjoy a lot, but feel tired the next day if I haven't gone to bed by 10 at the latest. I've tried taking up running, but find I'm even more exhausted and achey as a result.

I'm genuinely concerned that my life, as it is, being there for everyone else apart from me is actually making me ill.

Can I have some well meaning advice please?

That sounds really difficult for you. Could you speak to DH and tell him how you are feeling so he could listen more to you and talk abit less?

Could you have a few nights a week you just go for a walk and try and have some you time that way, might feel better than being under the duvet.

Your youngest will get older and stop needing you quite so much soon.

Hello, hang in there. There are so many women who feel like you. You aren't alone. It's like women, especially mothers, feel obliged to take on the burden of carrying the can for men and children and it causes a lot of suffering.

Are you financially in a position to have some kind of extra childcare to give you a break?

You need to sit your DH and have a proper heart to heart. Tell him how you are feeling. You can't go on like this long term.
If you've done this already, what did he say? Did he change any of his behaviour?
You do need time to yourself, even if that is just staying in a hotel room on your own sleeping! I'd kill for that at the moment too. Kids are exhausting.

I have IBS and stress is the main trigger OP. Interestingly I have had a flare up since I got divorced.
I think working full time might help in that you'd have a few hours in the day to focus and be an adult but only if you can share pick ups and drop offs fairly as running to get to the nursery is a massive stress point.
Exercise is a good stress buster. (Should take own advice instead of eating KFC).

*haven't

It is a demanding time for you; it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Don’t do things you don’t have to do. Don’t cook every night, have leftovers. Put films on for the kids. Get some cheap childcare - my neighbour’s 19 year old son is helping me. Tell your husband how he can help. Carve out time for yourself. Say no. Also running and meditation do help to clear and calm your mind. Ask your husband not to go away while you’re feeling this way. You have to be a little bit selfish. You wouldn’t expect anyone else to put up with this. Good luck

Does your youngest child attend a nursery? Also you older child do they attend a play scheme during the school holidays?.

You sound totally run down. It is exhausting to be around people who don't stop talking. You have to create a space for yourself, start curtailing your child's talk. Let them understand there's a time for noise and a time for quiet. You can create this structure, time them and reward them if you have to!

I think I'm very similar to you op. I haven't fixed most of it but one thing that has really helped is wearing massive noise cancelling headphones at night with a mellow podcast (audible do some really relaxing ones specifically for sleep). My children occasionally wake at night and would only settle for me. Now they have to settle for DH as I don't hear them - it's not foolproof but I'm awake about 50% - 75% less than I would have been also the headphones are a clear signal to DH that he needs to just leave me be. They go on, my sleep mask goes on and he can't witter on about his hobby, or tell me for the umpteenth time that I could spend as much time away doing my own things and he'll support it (which is lovely in theory but I just can't be as selfish/single minded as he is).

Anyhow, big noise cancelling headphones, a sleep mask. Maybe even both of those and a night squirrelled away in the spare room/on the sofa - somewhere where children wouldn't look for you.
I must admit I've gone back to full time at work as just having the extra time away does help (the 40min commute in my car in silence helps too!)
I hope you find something that works

I’m not sure returning to work would help unless you have childcare sorted - how old is your older DC? I’m assuming part of the problem is that they aren’t at school as they would usually be?

Is some level of nursery/childcare an option for you financially if you’re not working? You sound like you could really do with some time to yourself, so could you little one do 2 mornings of nursery or similar? That might also help him learn to be a bit more flexible - children of his age can learn that different care givers have different rules, and it wouldn’t be leaving him for long. That would give you either 1:1 time with your eldest or, if you can find something for them to do, some time to yourself. Time to think/breathe/nap/whatever is hugely valuable and stress busting.

Don’t cook every evening meal. I didn’t feel up to cooking tonight, so we had a picnic on a blanket On the sitting room floor - DD loved it. The odd takeaway won’t kill anyone. Either batch cook, or buy in ready meals - depending on your budget, you can get healthy-ish food this way e.g. Marks and Spencer simply food does some good stuff without too much added crap! Get in the habit of having a soup and crusty bread night, you can get really nice, thick soups at any supermarket. Choose to make dinner easy in different ways on half of nights.

Can I suggest regular as in most weeks go and stay in your local Travelodge?

Friday DH comes home early you go and return Saturday evening. It sounds like for health reasons you desperately need to the downtime.

Also DH will hopefully then understand just how difficult you are finding things and why...

YOU have a real DH issue in that he is not only not helping but making it worse

time for a chat

This too shall pass.... breathe and repeat! Cliché but true. Have a look at some good quality vitamins, they have helped me enormously.

I take a multi vit with iron, vit b. Vit d high dose with calcium (due to hysterectomy in my early 30's and not wanting HRT), high strength magnesium for restless legs but aids good sleep and melatonin.

I buy mine in bulk as it works out cheaper in the long run.

I sleep better, have more energy, has regulated my bowel movements and my hair and nails look great. Try it you have nothing to loose.

Yes, women, if you aren't coping with the ridiculous demands put on you, take a multivitamin. FFS.

I could have written a lot of your post

My dc are a bit older though and it does get easier, ime.

I find working full-time exhausting...maybe if I had a cushy job I could manage it. Definitely don't have a treadmill of morning rush and drop offs, work, pickups, housework. Share the drop offs/pickups.

I'm planning on arranging some childcare next week just to get time for myself. I've also had a lot of health issues recently that the GP's have put down to stress.

Do it for your dc, I think I'm better being here less often but less stressed when I am here.

Won't comment on your dh adding to your stress but think you need to do something about that! I'm often saying "one at a time " when the demands are coming from all angles

Is your older child school age but stuck at home at the moment? If so then hopefully in September when all school children go back full time, you'll get some space to breathe. If you can find some childcare then for your youngest as well, as in a regular day or more every week then I think that would make a big difference. At the moment you have no space to breathe and regroup and obviously lockdown has not helped! Your husband needs to help you more, it doesn't sound like he's taking how unwell everything is making you seriously enough.

Have you had your active vitamin B12 tested? It's important it's the specific blood test for the active amount of b12, it's specifically to test for b12 levels and possible deficiency which can make you very unwell. If the level comes back as being less than 500 it's low, but in the UK for some strange reason every trust has its own cut off figure for what they class as low enough to be deficient. Some places say it needs to be 200 or less, but actually to other countries that's very low and deficient. There is a great support group on FB I can recommend if you do find your b12 is low, it's helped me hugely. If it's not diet related deficiency then then it could be pernicious anemia, and I'm wondering if your ibs could effect your b12, I'd have to check. If you have already had your active b12 tested then you can ask for a copy of the results and if your level is around 500 or less

Oops pressed post by mistake - so just tag me if you have a lower than 500 level and you're interested in the FB group for info, my b12 was low and made me really unwell. I have to have b12 injections every two months now. It's worth checking as the exhaustion and symptoms you describe sound like common low b12 symptoms, so worth a look even if it just rules it out?

@loubieloo4 As an aside, can I ask the name of the multivitamins you take?

Your DH is a fundamental cause of your problem. IMO it would do him good to come home and engage with his dc for a couple of hours. It is very unfair for him to expect you to take on listening to him decompressing at what, for you, is the most stressful time of the day.
On a practical note, a slow cooker and a freezer can revolutionise your life. I worked mainly 3 or 4 days a week when my 3 were young. Cooking an evening meal on work days was really hard. I was also cooking for my PIL.
We lived on casseroles, pasta and similar for about 10 years.
Batch cooking and freezing saves so much time. No cooking from scratch on a work day.
I also agree with the multi vitamins and checking vit D and B12 levels.

Also, you should be able to have the equivalent number of weekends away on your own, as DH has for his hobby.

It's not been easy to have equivalent time away due to breastfeeding and a toddler who won't settle for anyone else at all during the night. We have tried a few times and he's screamed for up to 2 hours constantly on one occasion, waking up older DC and my neighbour who text to see if we were all ok!
I think I definitely have some sort of underlying illness, CFS or fibromyalgia or something similar. My doctor has referred me to a specialist but there is a huge waiting time due to covid.
I hqve suffered low b12 in the past but pernicious anaemia was ruled out. The cause was never found but I do take a high dose b12, alongside a multi-vitamin daily. I feel there is another underlying cause. DH can be very supportive and allows me to rest, like yesterday. Or, if he has a hobby arranged and my symptoms kick in, he becomes angry and says I'm doing it on purpose to prevent him doing his hobby, which tbh, is soul destroying. He will agree not to go to help with DCs, but sulks at me for days afterwards. He goes from being really supportive to being a dick overnight if my symptoms continue into his hobby day. It's hard not having a specific diagnosis. We've spoken about his talking regularly and he appreciates that he does it at inconvenient times but then loses all self awareness and does it again anyway.

Or, he will gaze into space and zone out during meal times when DCs are squabbling for our attention. (I find meal times draining) Sometimes I say "Daddy's turn to answer that question" to get him to snap out of it.

I've wondered if I'll be less stressed and have more energy if I left him. But there's a chance I wouldn't and I'd be left with the DCs with no option to go to bed at 7pm as a single parent should my symptoms kick in. I'm not sure how I would manage. Covid isn't helping get to the bottom of the cause.

If you separated he would have to have the dc alternate weekends. Maybe that would give him food for thought.

The other thing to be aware of is that even very young children pick up on tension/ stress and it really affects their behaviour.
A father who sulks and prioritises himself and his hobby over his family is not a good parent.

No wonder your younger child is only comfortable with you.