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Original poster

EBF baby staying with dad overnight

32 replies

Banksy20 · 01/07/2020 20:41

Hi,

My daughter is just over 10 months old. She's EBF, we co-sleep and I boob to sleep for naps and throughout the night. Unfortunately, things didn't work out with me and her dad but he still plays a very active role. He wants to have her to sleep over at his but I have said it would be hard before one year old. I should add that she refuses bottles of both expressed and formula milk and won't take either from a sippy cup or 360! He thinks I'm being awkward but I am just really worried that she will be hungry and feel abandoned by me. Has anyone experienced anything similar or can anyone offer any advice? I left her once overnight while me and her dad were still together. She was 2 months old but at the time took bottles and was fine. Dad is hoping to have her for 24 hours, once a week but I have said we would need to build this up and hope she accepts cow's milk! She does drink water and eats three solid meals a day as well as occasional snacks. Also, dad lives a 45 min drive away so I'm worried that she won't be close by if she needs me. Any advice welcome! Thanks.

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Embracelife · 01/07/2020 20:44

She will be fine.
Does he see her regularly?
Is he hands on?

endofthelinefinally · 01/07/2020 20:46

A court would not agree to this.
Is there a particular reason he must have her overnight?
Shorter visits are usually recommended at this age, especially if breast feeding.

june2007 · 01/07/2020 20:48

At 10 months I would let him go, if she has three meals and drinks from a cup then I wouldn,t worry. Mine were BF including at night at that age, but they were ok when left with grandparents.

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BuffaloCauliflower · 01/07/2020 20:50

You don’t have to agree, and it sounds like it wouldn’t be in your child’s best interests at the moment, all things considered. Build up to it in a few months. You might find and takes a bottle or cup more readily when you’re not there though, when boob isn’t an option.

Tonz · 01/07/2020 20:55

Let her go with her dad and see how it goes. She will be fine

PrayingandHoping · 01/07/2020 20:56

I wouldn't let her go. That would be too distressing for the child to have to go cold turkey like that!

Much better to establish her sleeping through the night and drinking from a cup at home with you first

Doyoumind · 01/07/2020 20:56

I wouldn't agree yet. At that age, with breast being her only source of milk, I can't see a court agreeing to 24 hours, though by the time you got to court she might be old enough. I would delay until you feel she is ready. How much time does he spend with her now?

853ax · 01/07/2020 20:56

Worth a try may find that she will drink bottle for him. I don't think she would feel any abandonment.
If it doesn't work he won't be offering another over night visit so fast.
If this going to be the arrangement going forward would it be best to start it now while she still young?
One of my children very bad sleeper I would have to feed multiple times at night at that stage. Went away to a hen to get a phone call morning that he woke once when offered a bottle wouldn't take it and went back to slept all night!

Twizbe · 01/07/2020 20:57

My LG refused bottles but will take cups.

By 10 months she wasn't feeding overnight so as long as I could be there for the 10pm and 7am feeds it would be ok.

Could you perhaps stay in a nearby hotel for that night? You can go to do the feeds and then leave and have a proper pamper night off? You'd also be closer so if she doesn't settle you can come back?

At this age, babies won't ask for milk if mum isn't there and annoyingly they will settle in different ways for others.

Has he done bedtime with her before?

BendyLikeBeckham · 01/07/2020 21:00

its too soon. Why does he have to have her overnight? Does it fit better with his work plans?

I would say no and work out a suggestion that fits better with her routine and needs. It doesn't matter about his.

ComfyCosyGood · 01/07/2020 21:09

I have a million ongoing issues with my abusive ex about my 18 month old DS and he's trying to take me to court for custody and this is something I'm really scared of. My DS is fully weaves food wise but is still breastfeeding a lot, and at least twice a week in the night and he feeds to sleep and in the only person who's ever gotten him to sleep for bedtime. PP saying that at 10 months your LO is old enough, in my opinion she isn't as my 18 month old definitely wouldn't cope without the boob. I wouldn't do it, and I'm so scared of the courts forcing me to.

1moreRep · 01/07/2020 21:22

she will be fine, time with her father is just as vital for her well being as time with you.

Original poster

Banksy20 · 01/07/2020 21:24

Thanks everyone. He just wants to spend more time with her which is where the 24 hours comes into it. He tries hard but can't settle her as well as me or my mum can and he hasn't done the bedtime routine since before lockdown. I'm hoping we don't have to go to court as we have already been to mediation and that seemed to help. The most time he ever has her for is 8 hours as that's the same amount of time I spend away from her when working. I'm putting it off until she's 1 as I've said breastmilk is the main source for her at the minute. Unfortunately, I don't feel like she has that great of a bond with him as she only sees him 2-3 times a week (once for the 8 hours, the other 1-2 times for a couple of hours due to the distance) and he video calls her every day but I just feel like she doesn't really know who he is. X

OP posts:

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/07/2020 21:27

Yeah he can cope a couple of months waiting. It's about your babies needs not his. Good choice to hang on

Sittinonthefloor · 01/07/2020 21:29

1morerep - it isn’t. Why does he want her to stay the night? It’s clearly not in HER best interest, and no of course you don’t have to sleep is hotel & have a ‘pamper night’. If you are bf she can’t go, end of. A night in a fancy hotel wouldn’t be a lot of fun and the pampering happens in the day + not allowed at the mo anyway.

AIMD · 01/07/2020 21:30

I’d personally want to hold off a couple more months and maybe use the next couple of months to build up to the overnight ( eg doing slight longer visits, visiting his house more to get used to the room she will sleep in etc).

My children both refused bottles, it was an absolute pain in the arse. Having said that the times I did have to leave them with their dad (only a couple) overnight they were both fine. Also mine both moved towards being off breast milk between 12-18 months and at that time my husband got them to sleep much easier than me. I think if I was there they wanted milk but if I wasn’t they accepted a cuddle and sips of water/cows milk instead.
I personally think that if he is a good, hands on dad and they have a good bond an overnight from about 1 year seems doable.

Embracelife · 01/07/2020 22:11

During those 8 hours does she have a nap? How does that work. ? Extend the time to 9 10 12 hours.
If he wants to be involved that s good.
The more he does the easier it will be.

Pumpertrumper · 01/07/2020 22:31

I wouldn’t be sending DS I’m afraid.
I do however commend ex for trying to see DD as much as possible and would be carful not to sour the relationship or make him feel excluded from parenting.

Rather than saying no I’d explain how distressing not having boob in the night would be for DD and how this could lead to her being very upset with him and difficult to settle. You want their time together to be positive experiences. Is it an option for him to stay with you, perhaps a spare room? Or you stay with him the first time DD visits overnight? If he’s not seen the reality of bed sharing and night time boob feeds he may genuinely not get why it’s a big deal.

Casmama · 01/07/2020 22:39

I went back to work when my ds was 10 months old and ebf and wouldn't take a bottle but i then had to go away for work for 2 nights. He was fine and we went back to feeding as soon as i came home.
If you don't feel she knows who her father is then i think that is even more reason for him to spend extended time with her. I was always best at settling my kids but having boobs was a huge advantage!
If she is eating 3 meals a day she is getting plenty of nutrition so sent her with some expressed milk and a cup and let him figure it out.

I think you are actually being a bit selfish here under the guise of doing what is best for your dd - i dont think preventing her from staying with her dad is doing that.

Davodia · 01/07/2020 22:42

At 10mo my DS definitely still needed milk and comfort. He wouldn’t sleep without a breast and would become distressed. A decent father wouldn’t inflict that on his child.

Dillydallyingthrough · 01/07/2020 22:44

She will be fine, I disagree that it's in your child's best interests not to go, I think its very important that she spends time with her involved, hands on father. And 45 mins is not the other side of the world.

Embracelife · 01/07/2020 22:46

if you had yo go into hospital overnight what would happen ? Your mum would cope right? Her dad would cope?
It s fine to leave it bit but ultimately you ll need to let him give it a go if he is loving and trusted person

Original poster

Banksy20 · 01/07/2020 22:54

Unfortunately, due to the situation I can't stay at his (the woman he left me for now lives with him, along with her daughter) and I did suggest he stay here but he doesn't want to due to the above situation. I don't think I am being selfish, I am genuinely concerned about how my daughter will be. I let him see her as much as he wants and keep him updated with pics/videos/messages throughout each day as I really want him involved. I think I will go with the suggestion of gradually building up the time they spend together and then see about her staying over but maybe not quite up to the 24 hours until she is a bit older. Thank you everyone for your advice and comments x

OP posts:

Original poster

Banksy20 · 01/07/2020 22:57

@Embracelife I had never thought of it like that! So thank you. I suppose the longer I leave it, the worse my anxiety will be but at the end of the day, as many have pointed out, it's not about me, it's about her and this will help her build her relationship with her dad x

OP posts:

chubbyhotchoc · 01/07/2020 23:00

I'd be saying no to that if you have any doubts. It's certainly not unreasonable if she's breastfed at night. No court would make you.

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