Debating 3rd baby - welcome advice or experience

[Bruce2]

Hi there

I don't normally post on these forums but I'm hoping ladies could give me some past experience or thoughts.

We currently have 2 children together
One naturally conceived and another via IVF (both ours)
We have 6 years between then due to the fertility issues we experienced ttc no.2
We always wanted 3 children, for us it seemed the perfect number
However we have a few concerns about going for IVF again to try for no. 3

1. Our eldest has ADHD and ODD - now it's not awful and we're currently getting medication to help manage. Yes the eldest can be difficult at times and takes a lot of the focus in the family dynamic but we make sure our second child gets a lot of 1 on 1 time with us so they don't feel left out. She's a very happy, easy, content little thing. Nursery have no concerns she has ADHD and say she's very ready for school socially and emotionally.

1. We have big age gaps so between 1 & 2 there are 6 years. If we had a third there would be almost 5 years between 2 & 3.

So effectively we would have a 10.5 year old, an almost 5 year old and a newborn. Our 2 do play together (not all the time, and do bicker like normal siblings I imagine) I just worry that having them all so spread out they'll never be close

1. Cost. We live in south east and rent is high as is childcare.

We have given our eldest a lot of opportunity. Tutors to help with schoolwork as they're so distracted in class they fall behind. I worry that we won't be able to same for the others (who may not need it mind you!) then they grow up to resent us for not giving them the same focus.

1. Age - I'll be 36 this year and wonder if I should just call it a day

Any advice or guidance in these issues would be much appreciated

Thanks

Apart from 3 being "the perfect number" - what would another baby add to the family? It's above the replacement rate, so there's an environmental impact that should be considered.

I'd also be very, very wary of having another child just as your SEN child is about to start secondary school. There's a lot of upheaval and change and disruption at that point, and having a newborn will take up a lot of your time and attention that your elder child will need.

Then there's all the extra cost involved in having 3 - a bigger car, bigger house, more expensive holidays, more nursery fees - what if your new baby had additional needs or was unwell? The risks are higher once you're over 35.

I think you need to be very logical about this.

Valid points thanks.
The reason for wanting a 3rd is partly selfish broodiness (I never got to enjoy my 2 as babies as I went back to work full time so quickly) and partly as we hope to give our second child a sibling they can relate to more....obviously this isn't guaranteed.

Definitely something we need to think more about. Thanks for taking time to reply

I had my first at 18, then my second when he was 5. I always wanted 3 but for many reasons we decided sticking at 2 was best. I really struggled with that decision for a while, but managed to convince myself that it was for the best. My youngest is going to be 7 this year and I'm now pregnant with number 3. If I'm honest I'm really struggling with this pregnancy, I'm very I'll for a start (now on medication number 3 to try and help and I'm only 10 weeks) I did such a good job of convincing myself that I didn't want anymore children, that I just can't feel happy about this one, and can only think of the bad things (Ds 2 was a devil baby, and I'm convinced this baby will be the same). People keep telling me you never regret having another child, but you might regret not, but honestly, I don't think that's the case.

I dont think 36 is too old but if i needed ivf and already had two children, one with additional needs, id think long and hard about it.
Personally, i enjoyed having 3 children, maybe its because youre more practiced but generally its easier to go from 2 to 3 children than it is from 1 to 2 children.
There are practical considerations like finding a car that fits 3 car seats but if oldest dc is 10 then that might not be such a problem , also family tickets/deals tend to cater for the standard 2 adult 2 children family.
Your time will be stretched but its not impossible, 1:1 time when you have 3 dc is more challenging as you are outnumbered and probably you will have less time for yourself and less spare cash but tbh it quickly becomes the norm and everyone adjusts. We also always wanted 3 children but after 2 ( one of each) tbought we were done but eventually the longing for a third child won the day! No regrets 😁
2 years later we also then had an unplanned number 4, 4 dc i was worried about but frankly you just get in with it and very quickly you can't imagine it any other way

Thank you for all your experience and advice. Appreciated.

All very valid and really gives me something to think about!

The car & house situation doesn't really bother us at all. We have a 4 bed and our eldest doesn't use a car seat anymore. Again day trips and holidays, we can get round that ok. Not seen as an issue for us.

The nursery Fee's - that's a different story. That's the one financial burden that's giving us fear. And then just that feeling of guilt that we might not be able to give the last 2 the same support as eldest...but again, they might not need it. Our second seems very capable but never know what future holds.

I suppose it's just the "are my kids far enough apart in age as it is without introducing a newborn again because mummy is broody"

They would love another sibling, the eldest encouraging it actually I just don't want any children to feel left out or have a crappy childhood as they feel we helped our eldest more than them.

Thanks again for everyone's opinions. I'll share with hubby tonight

I'm also an only child so I wonder I feel guilty as I had all my parents attention every day so very unusual for me to split time...
Maybe I'm overthinking it too much

I'm pregnant with my third at the moment.
DS is 13 and DD is 9 so much bigger gaps.
I have been fortunate to not have fertility issues and I'm slightly younger (30) and my DH is 40, this is our first baby together.
I would do what you think is right for your family, no one else's opinions matter.
I decided to have another because we have so much to love to offer a new baby and I wanted to share a child with my husband.
I also didn't want to get to 40 and regret not having another.
Good Luck with whatever you decide but honestly it's totally your choice and you're going to get a mixture of responses which will leave you more confused.x

That's true. It's something we've wanted for a while.
We tried 2 frozen embryo transfers one in 2018 & one in 2019 but they both failed and I thought maybe it was life's way of telling me to give up but I can't nudge the desire to have third.

Nice to hear from someone who also has bigger anger gaps.
I'm so jealous of the families with 3 really close together!

I just want to be realistic about my age and other factors etc.

But you're right overall

Thanks

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I had my first at 18, then my second when he was 5. I always wanted 3 but for many reasons we decided sticking at 2 was best. I really struggled with that decision for a while, but managed to convince myself that it was for the best. My youngest is going to be 7 this year and I'm now pregnant with number 3. If I'm honest I'm really struggling with this pregnancy, I'm very I'll for a start (now on medication number 3 to try and help and I'm only 10 weeks) I did such a good job of convincing myself that I didn't want anymore children, that I just can't feel happy about this one, and can only think of the bad things (Ds 2 was a devil baby, and I'm convinced this baby will be the same). People keep telling me you never regret having another child, but you might regret not, but honestly, I don't think that's the case.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes a bit more smoothly Sending lots of love. I'm sure everything will fall into place one baby is here Must be difficult for you now though xx

Have you thought about how the pandemic influences things... no-one knows just now when baby groups and playgroups may be able to reopen. So you may spend your time with the new baby being stuck in the house (as I’m finding!). It’s much lonelier when you can’t meet up with anyone.

No I hadn't thought that far ahead to be honest, I'm hoping in 12 months time it'll be a bit better than it is now but it's not crossed my mind.
Maybe because I didn't attend baby groups with my first 2 so isn't a priority but I see what you mean.
Between school runs and work I doubt I'd have much time for groups tbh

Have you factored in the cost (emotional and financial) of IVF again?

I wouldn't.

• chance of more severe SEN in 3rd child, especially now you're older, which wpuld take away time for existing children
• the environment doesn't need more people
• it'll be very difficult to find things you all enjoy together
• sleepless nights, pregnancy etc on top of your existing parenting tasks (but that one's maybe just me, I'm pretty lazy. But imagine doing all you do now with a baby/toddler too)

@DeepSleepBathSoak

I wouldn't.

• chance of more severe SEN in 3rd child, especially now you're older, which wpuld take away time for existing children
• the environment doesn't need more people
• it'll be very difficult to find things you all enjoy together
• sleepless nights, pregnancy etc on top of your existing parenting tasks (but that one's maybe just me, I'm pretty lazy. But imagine doing all you do now with a baby/toddler too)

Interesting first point Can you tell me which site to look at for more evidence please? I didn't know that SEN was higher in third children

Sorry I didn't mean in 3rd children generally, more that your 3rd child would have a higher chance due to family history and your age.

@BenScalesIsAGod

Have you factored in the cost (emotional and financial) of IVF again?

Yes both factored in right at start of our conversation in December last year. Hubby doesn't work so he can help with school work & shopping if I'm feeling a bit rubbish from either the treatment itself or from the emotional turmoil of it doesn't work as this is our last hurrah at it. No more tries after this one if we go ahead. We'll just count ourselves fortunate and get on with life

@DeepSleepBathSoak

Sorry I didn't mean in 3rd children generally, more that your 3rd child would have a higher chance due to family history and your age.

Ah ok

Yes, that's a fair analysis.
It is a worry that we have 2 SEN yes.

And with mr being 35 it's a higher risk I get that. Another reason for against I suppose

FWIW I have a child with SEN too (and one NT), so I know how much harder work it is, and his difficulties are relatively mild. I would still struggle with two like him, or him plus another with more severe SEN. I would like 3 in an abstract way, but stuck with 2 for the reasons mentioned in my first post. Liking an easy life being one of them!

If you have thought it through and you still want a 3rd, why not?

35 isn’t old!

Please don’t have any more children. Think of the planet they will have to live on.

@BenScalesIsAGod

35 isn’t old!

It's only because I had my first at 25 so maybe old isn't the right word... I think I mean, I have a very established family already :) so another big age gap!

@Mirrorxx

Please don’t have any more children. Think of the planet they will have to live on.

Yes I understand from an ecological perspective then it's above the "replacement" rate I am taking that into consideration

It is a big gap but it doesn’t really matter if you want another.

@Mirrorxx @DeepSleepBathSoak
Wow!! I think your comments are very rude and uncalled for.

It's actually non of your business if she decides to have another child or anyone else for that matter.
"Think of the planet" "we don't need more people" very very rude and unfair.