Worried about DD13

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I’m up the walls about my youngest daughter aged 13. She refuses meat and rarely eats cheese or eggs, only drinks oat milk. She bought a beautiful M&S swimsuit the other day, it was a size 14 but didn’t fit her - it fitted me so I’ve taken it (it was expensive, she had removed the labels so it couldn’t be returned). She’s very upset that it fits me and not her, she says she wants to go on a diet and is reusing to eat. I’m trying to find vegan recipes to cook for her, but there’s so little protein in them - it cannot be enough for a growing teenage girl! She also needs calcium for her growing bones. She won’t go for a walk with me because she’s afraid of who she’ll meet, she’s so self conscious!
She used to be involved in many activities- gymnastics, ballet and running! But she stopped wanting to do these activities and I didn’t want to force her.
I need to help her before she goes back to school in September. She is tall (5’8”) and already feels awkward as she’s the tallest girl in her year. Now she thinks she’s ‘fat’ which I’ve reassured her she isn’t. Infact I have never mentioned weight in this house, I don’t own a weighing scales as I believe they’re an enemy! I’ve always believed in exercise and activities and healthy eating.
Can anybody advise me, especially with the vegan cooking?

Why didn't the size 14 fit her, too big or too small?

Ps a vegan diet can be very healthy, educate yourself about calcium and protein, there's some great vegan recipes on the food board.

If you're being perfectly honest with yourself, is she actually a healthy weight? The issue with a vegan diet is unless you're putting a lot of time, effort and money into meal planning, it's very easy to just load up on white carbs.

Could you do at home exercise with her? Something like Yoga with Adrienne could be good, toning and strengthening and all about paying attention to your body.

A good vegan diet provides plenty of protein and calcium.

Hi pinkyredrose, good morning! She said it was tight around her bottom and riding up when she tried to fit it around her bust.- I assured her it was because it was probably designed for a shorter person. I haven’t seen it on her, she refuses to put it on for me.

What about things like lentil or chickpea based curry?

I'm vegan and have no issues with lack of protein. Beans, pulses, lentils loads of greens. Some mock meats have loads of protein in them too.

Can you get her a swimming costume, and other clothes, from the tall range? Some shops have them. New look does, and is perfect for a teenager. That might prove to her that she isnt overweight, shes tall.

I'm vegan and raising vegan children we have a very healthy diet full of protein. Maybe join some vegan groups online to gets advice.

Maybe keep the swimsuit for her as incentive? Encourage her and listen to her reasons for wanting to be vegan and change her way of eating.

Tbh is a 14 is small on her she's probably overweight. Definitely start making vegan food for her, she sounds very self conscious, it would help her to know that you're on her side.

Theproblemwiththeeyes she is a perfect weight - she’s just under 10 stone (she weighed herself last week on my sister in laws scales!). My older daughter aged 17 does joe wicks every morning and gymnastics 3 times weekly via Zoom - sometimes DD13 will join her.

I appreciate all your replies - they’re coming in too quickly for me to answer! Rosy, can you direct me to where the weekly vegan menus are?

I would not wear the swimsuit that didn't fit your daughter.

My mother would tell you that she never mentioned weight, never shamed me etc. She did, however, fail to hide her glee when as a 12 year old with nothing smart to wear she loaned me one of her blouses and it fitted me. She said "that's sad." She meant, of course, that as a 12 year old it was sad that I was a similar size weight and frame wise as her. I am 50 now and that moment is etched in my memory at how ashamed I felt to not be smaller at 12 than my mother at 42.

I think it's really damaging to young girls when parents, however accidentally, send messages that they can wear their daughter's clothing better than the daughter. It is shaming. I know from your pov it's just a pragmatic reuse of a piece of clothing. From her pov it's telling her "I am slimmer than you".

5”8 is tall for a 13 year old girl but it’s not that tall for a woman (if you see what I mean, I think it’s borderline for needing ‘tall’ clothes depending on the company) so I’m not sure if the swimming costume wouldn’t fit because of that. My sister is 5”7/5”8 and as far as I’m aware she doesn’t have issues with most items of clothing not fitting. I’m assuming that the size 14 didn’t fit because it was too small, if you ask yourself honestly is she overweight? A size 16 would be overweight for most people, even at 5”8. I say this as someone who was an overweight child and teenager (around a size 14, but I’m only 5”5) who wishes their parents had gently done something about it at the time. It might just be that this is an abnormally small size 14 though!

Regarding a vegan diet, it can be very healthy if you put the effort it... but you do need to put the effort in! Lots of pulses, beans and tofu, and you can use some of the vegan meat substitutes and soya milk/yoghurt too if she’ll eat them. Most people who eat meat eat far too much protein, so it’s probably not as bad as you think. She won’t need as much calcium as you think either, but there are plenty of supplements around if you’re worried

What height is she? Swimsuits are tight, they'd be useless if they were loose but I'm around 9.5 stone & 5'6" & a 14 would be far too big for me, especially once in the water. I tend to buy tankinis now as I'm long in the body (sat down I'm slightly 'taller' than 6' Dh) because I find swimsuits can dig in on my shoulders, is that what she meant?

While I wouldn't choose a vegan diet they're perfectly healthy if done properly.

Sorry managed to miss the height in your op til I re-read Yes separate top & bottoms may be the way forward.

You need to do some research with her together about healthy vegan food and find some fun exercise she'll enjoy.
But she's 13 and a swimsuit which was too small for her, fit her mother - that's incredibly humiliating for a teenage girl (not your fault, but its incredibly understandable for her to be upset). Her reaction is normal.
Keep that swimsuit aside for now and don't wear it in front of her this year (until the pain has died down - if it fits you know, it will fit you next year). This summer she'll view it as reminding her of her weight.

Cross posted with your update about her weight, sorry. She’s clearly not overweight!

Valambtime, you are right - the great thing about M&S clothing is it still looks good 5 years later! I have an issue with it too, I’m the same height and if I raise my arms it exposes more of my bust! I’m sceptical that it doesn’t fit her - all her other clothes are size 12 and fit her okay! But she seems hung up on that swimsuit!
Thank you all for your replies so far!

Hi, it sounds to me as though this could be more of a self esteem and body image issue than a weight or recipe issue? Could that be the case? Was she wanting to be vegan before she had any concerns or worries about her body? If not, she could be hoping it’s a weight loss strategy. There’s nothing wrong at all with a vegan diet and it can be very healthy but cutting out food groups for the primary goal of managing body image and self esteem issues could be a very unwise route. She is at a difficult time when her body may be changing a lot and the societal pressures are huge. Add to that the emotional challenges of adolescence AND the anxiety provoking times we are living in.

Hailtomyteeth I’m not nasty, you don’t know me. She was initially upset because she had spent her babysitting money on it and couldn’t return it - so I bought it off her. See! Anyway, have a nice day!
Bernards, thanks for your suggestion about the tankini- I think I’ve had a breakthrough - I got her to try a tankini I bought in the M&S sales last year and - it’s too loose on her! So I think it’s the swimsuit. It’s tight around my bottom too, but like you said it has to be tight in the water.
And thanks so much to the other posters with your meal suggestions - and the poster who said meat eaters eat too much protein, that is so reassuring! You are all so good!

Mummyorigin, thank you so much for your lovely post - you are right, the last few weeks of lockdown have turned her into a hermit. She has been keeping in contact with her friends on snapchat, but is probably nervous about going back to school.
She has generally been following a vegetarian diet the past 2 years, which was ok but now she doesn’t want any dairy products which is more difficult for me. But I am reassured by the posts from you lovely mumsnetters regarding vegan living I feel more reassured.

Snuggybuggy thanks for your suggestion - I’m off to buy ingredients for a chickpea curry!
1 micemouse she actually loves new look - I’ve never gone in there with her as I cramp her style :D

Just jumping in to give some advice regarding returns to M&S.

I used to work in M&S and returning clothing without a label is absolutely fine, maybe email customer services and verify that before taking it back to the store.

The only thing they'd look for is the proof of purchase (though that's often ok too, and you'd be offered a credit receipt) and hygiene sticker in the crotch

@Hailtomyteeth

Gosh, you're a nasty one OP. 'Here, that swimsuit you like doesn't look good on you, I'll have it, because I'm so much more attractive than you!' I'm sure that isn't how you phrased it but that's the message.

Is there a slimming group with a vegan option, that would accept her at 13? Don't go with her. She needs her own identity, not to be in your shadow.

I’m actually on the side of the above poster here, even if it’s overly harsh.

Should anything like this happen in future DO NOT take “her” clothing for yourself if it doesn’t fit her, even if it fits you like a glove because like it or not, the message cited by the OP above is true.

OP, is she vegan hence the request for vegan recipies?