Worried about DD13

[clicketyclick66]

I’m up the walls about my youngest daughter aged 13. She refuses meat and rarely eats cheese or eggs, only drinks oat milk. She bought a beautiful M&S swimsuit the other day, it was a size 14 but didn’t fit her - it fitted me so I’ve taken it (it was expensive, she had removed the labels so it couldn’t be returned). She’s very upset that it fits me and not her, she says she wants to go on a diet and is reusing to eat. I’m trying to find vegan recipes to cook for her, but there’s so little protein in them - it cannot be enough for a growing teenage girl! She also needs calcium for her growing bones. She won’t go for a walk with me because she’s afraid of who she’ll meet, she’s so self conscious!
She used to be involved in many activities- gymnastics, ballet and running! But she stopped wanting to do these activities and I didn’t want to force her.
I need to help her before she goes back to school in September. She is tall (5’8”) and already feels awkward as she’s the tallest girl in her year. Now she thinks she’s ‘fat’ which I’ve reassured her she isn’t. Infact I have never mentioned weight in this house, I don’t own a weighing scales as I believe they’re an enemy! I’ve always believed in exercise and activities and healthy eating.
Can anybody advise me, especially with the vegan cooking?

Gosh, you're a nasty one OP. 'Here, that swimsuit you like doesn't look good on you, I'll have it, because I'm so much more attractive than you!' I'm sure that isn't how you phrased it but that's the message.

Wow, to call the OP nasty is rather harsh! I agree it might have made her daughter feel bad it I don't think that was ever her intention! It sounded to me like she didn't want her daughter to lose her money. That would be depressing to a 13 year old too.

We've all had an item of clothing that hasn't fit for whatever reason that's made us feel shit. It's horrible and even more so to a 13 yo who is feeling self conscious about their body.

OP, perhaps research some vegan meals together with your daughter and put a menu together? If she, feels like she's eating well, she might begin to feel better about herself. I second Yoga, with Adrienne, which I find calming and uplifting.

I hope she, starts feeling better. Who'd, be a teenager again?!

Singlemum81, thanks for that suggestion! I don’t want to rock the boat but I’ll try it!

Hailtomyteeth and infinitegerbils, you clearly believe you are perfect parents who never put a foot wrong and when someone else does they are evil, nasty, etc. I’m sure your kids find fault with some things that you do. You are both clearly judgemental, that’s a nasty trait.
Single mother81, I have just returned the swimsuit!!!’ Thank you so much.
Carne2020, thank you for your kind words. But she’s more upbeat as my tankini is too loose for her!

Oi! Look at my message again. I come in peace @clicketyclick66

From your OP and consequent posts if you fear your DD is possibly at risk of disordered eating have a look at the book “Just Eat It” by Laura Thomas PhD. She’s frank and upfront and speaks very candidly about how we are all guilty of funny things about food and weight - just read a review or something as I’m poorly articulating.

Ok infinitegerbils, thank you for that - I’ll have a look on Amazon! I’m not feeling the best this morning. The swimsuit is gone now so more issues with that!

Er, no, I promise you I am a far from perfect parent (my dd used to be on MN, maybe I'm in Stately Homes) but I never did that. My mother, now, she was a different story. Do give your child a break. With you bragging about how fabulous you are and then interfering in what she eats, she'll never learn to value herself.
The tone of your opening post is all 'oh what can i do, I'm in better shape than my 13 year old and she doesn't eat the right things! Please confirm for me that my child is fat and I'm so special.' Maybe you aren't like that. But it's worth a review. You could save your child a lifetime of pain by being a bit more tactful (not grabbing clothes she likes that don't fit her for yourself) and by allowing her access to a properly planned and supervised diet - supervised by an impartial group, not a family member.

Hail, I’m not even going to credit you with an answer to your outburst - you sound deranged! You should have got a part on Fawlty Towers, you would give us all a laugh!
I wish to thank the rest of you lovely people for your advice and help which I have taken on board!

Would the mums who follow vegan diets mind pm’ing me their typical daily menu?

OP, you sound like you're doing everything right, but please please don't use the word diet when you're talking to your DD. It's one of those red rag words that even if you're just talking about being vegan, she might hear it as you saying she needs to diet. 13 is such a bonkers age, please be super, super careful.

I sound perfectly sane. You just lack self-awareness.

@hailtomyteeth sorry love, you absolutely do not.

Is your daughter actually vegan? I only ask as one of the flags (not red, more pink) for disordered eating can be (not is) engaging in veganism as a method to - put simply - be ultra selective and prohibitive about food in plain sight as it were.

Just be mindful.

The tone of your opening post is all 'oh what can i do, I'm in better shape than my 13 year old and she doesn't eat the right things! Please confirm for me that my child is fat and I'm so special.' Maybe you aren't like that. But it's worth a review. You could save your child a lifetime of pain by being a bit more tactful (not grabbing clothes she likes that don't fit her for yourself) and by allowing her access to a properly planned and supervised diet - supervised by an impartial group, not a family member.

I just want to say OP, that I did not get this from your initial post at all. Hopefully you were tactful about suggesting it might fit you as you are (presumably) shorter, but as you thought you couldn’t return the swimming costume it makes perfect sense for you to buy it off her if it fitted you, to save her being out of pocket. A lesson to not remove the tags from things without trying them on! You also made it quite clear that you didn’t think your daughter was overweight, to the extent that I thought you might be a bit in denial. As it turns out she’s obviously not at all overweight, so the fact that she thinks that she is is worrying. I haven’t got much to suggest regarding that, but I would be mindful of it when discussing meals with her and keep an eye on her for potential eating disorders.

I take the Wellwoman vegan multivitamin, which might be worth buying for her. It doesn’t have calcium in (I do take a separate natural calcium supplement too, even though I’m not convinced I need it!) but it does have pretty much everything else in. I had to have some blood tests done recently and iron and B12 levels were absolutely fine. Good luck!

Infinitegerbils, she was vegetarian but has veered towards being vegan lately. Like you said I am worried it is the start of an eating disorder. I feel the only way I can manage this is to have a menu of simple meals I can make for her and freeze the rest - I was worried mainly about protein but not any more after reading some of the replies. I was simply lost as I’m making meat dishes for the rest of the family. She bought B12 supplements, I’ll have to set up some kind of Alex that she remembers to take one every day.

Problemwiththeeyes, I refuse to mention the word diet in my house! I don’t own a weighing scales (I laugh when I recall my DD17 going for speech therapy and being docked marks when she thought a picture of a weighing scales was a calculator!) I have always been more geared towards exercise and keep fit.

Telephonetroubles, thank you for your lovely post - you have my situation to a tee! I think Hail is someone that likes to throw in a different opinion to liven up a thread!
I actually saw that supplement in the health shop today - I will buy it next time!

Just to clarify - at 5ft 8 and 10 stone approx she is a perfectly healthy weight. I'm also surprised the 14 didnt fit her - I'm a size 14 at M&S and am 5ft 8" and 13 stone!

More importantly, she is at a vulnerable age for body image and eating difficulties. Try to focus about talking about food in terms of health and not putting too much emphasis on it (for example talk about healthy foods as making you feel good, rather than calling unhealthy foods naughty or bad, you can talk about how a little bit of soul food is good for us mentally etc).

Keep an eye on the veganism as it can be a way to restrict food but it may also just be that she feels passionate about it. As others have said get a B12 supplement and look up some fun recipes and how to get adequate proteins. Maybe try to help her find some exercise she will enjoy as exercise is important. Again, try not to talk about exercise in terms of weight loss and more about health and how we feel.

Daydreambrlievers, I managed to return the swimsuit today and got my money back - DD13 then bought herself a pair of jeans, they are size 12 and fit her perfectly! This is the swimsuit she bought
www.marksandspencer.com/padded-one-shoulder-bandeau-swimsuit/p/clp60440892

As it happens, I was making French toast for my DD17 (the usual Saturday evening treat) and DD13 wanted some too! So the panic is over, she said she’d prefer to get a swimsuit from the sports shop as all the other M&S swimsuits have ruffled fronts - to hide over 40s tummies like mine! And the mixed bean and vegetable crumble I made her earlier will last another couple of days!

Daydreambelievers, she went out for a walk with me this evening, then we had to run home as it started raining heavily!!!

@clicketyclick66 FWIW I think you are a wonderful mum, from all I have read. I am not vegetarian or vegan and I have my reservations about how healthy that may be but you going all the way to accommodate your DD is just really sweet and something a loving parent would do. Also that story about scales/calculator made me chuckle. Your DD is super tall, she is happy to grow up in such a loving home!