my abusive partner has disappeared

[Huddersfieldlass]

My partner of 9 years has disappeared since monday he never returned home after work so only has his clothes he was stood up in.
He is very controlling he texted me out of the blue pn monday whilst at work and told me to stop breast feeding our son and to give him solids that afternoon. I was surprised where this was coming from and remembered we had seen his mum the day before. Her advice is always very old fashioned and she is interfering when it comee to our son. I questioned him if thiw was cominy from her. He immediatley got mad we had a back and forth exchange qnd then he cut off all contact from me and i havent seen him again... but this isnt first time this is what he does if i dare to question him.

Hes disappeared 3 times since having a c section with my son. First time i was still very ill after c section and lock down had just started so it was scary. Hes done this countless times before our son. Hes addicted to pain killers. Hes obtained illegally prescription pain killers and cocaine qnd weed and had that delivered to house since having our son. Hee used it and denied hes on it..je drives aggressivly..he kicked a hole in the wall over the way i loaded the dishawasher. Hes grabbed me by the neck 3 years ago qnd got a police caution..hes abused and controlles me for years he makes me feel dependent on him.like i cant cope without him. Hee waiting for me to ask him to come back now. But i cant do this anymore its killing me. I feel scaree being here alone he could kick at the door anytime. Ive packed up some of his things but he hasnt been in touch. Ive told his mum i havejt seen him since monday but she doesnt seem bothered. I just feel so guilty if im dojng the right thing breaking us up after 9 years and 1 child. Theres loads of stuff thats happened this is just the immediate stuff i can think of. Thank you

Dump his stuff and change the locks.

Will he stay away?

Dump his stuff and change the locks.

Will he stay away?

I'm so sorry you have gone through this. Get a locksmith out tomorrow to change the locks first of all, and I would ring the national domestic abuse helpline for further advice (0808 2000 247). They are open 24/7 so you could call now. All the best

Are you in a legal/financial position to take this opportunity to completely cut ties? Could you get the locks changed while he's out, and let the police know there may be issues when he returns? I know it sounds drastic but this is such a bad situation for you to be in and he's given you a brilliant opportunity to get rid for good.

His mom isn't concerned because she knows where he is

Leave him gone.
You need to change locks.
Keep him away
He tried to kill you. You don't need him nor does your son.

If he part owns the home she can't just change the locks.
keep a key in the door, make it so he can't get in but don't change the locks if he is part owner.
Make sure your phone is charged and with you at all times.
I'd call the Police and have him as missing, not forgetting to mention the drug delivery.
I bet he's at his mums.

He's at his mum's.

You should take this chance to get rid of him OP. He's abusive and you deserve better, and your DC certainly doesn't need to grow up in this environment.

I agree with pp he’s at his mums. She is facilitating his abuse.

Please call 101 and tell them your situation. It would be good to have it logged.
If he does reappear to kick the door in phone 999.
Some advice here:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

I hope someone will come along shortly with solid advice about what you should do.
I just feel so guilty if im dojng the right thing breaking us up after 9 years and 1 child
You are absolutely doing the right thing, not just for you. You know how scared you feel now wondering if he will come back and kick the door in, you don’t want a 2...4....6 year old to be feeling that same fear. It great you have realised you need to get away.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/housing-advice/

Can you leave a go to refuge? Then no worrying about his return? He won't be able to hurt you anymore x

Does he own part of the home? Is his name on the mortgage or rent agreement

You need to get away from him op for you & your baby sake. This is the perfect opportunity. Do you not have any family that can help or support you at the moment?

Change the locks and let him stay away. Why would you want to be with such an idiot. X

He is at his mums or she knows where he is do you have somewhere safe you could go to. Is there a family or friend that can come and support you.

This sounds terrible and you do not want your child exposed to this. Please leave for your child's sake if not your own.

Be wary of the man who is threatened by a breastfeeding woman. This is also a tactic of men who have intentions of separating mums from their children longer than is natural. I find it fairly sinister.
Clearly he’s at his mothers and the longer he’s there, the better.

Sounds like you’ve had a rough time because of him.

Please contact the local domestic abuse charity if you haven’t already. Do you feel safe in the home you’re in if not can you stay with someone with your child?

I agree with a previous poster who said use this time to cut ties and end the relationship. It’s sounds awful. You may have been with him
A while but do you really want him acting this way throughout your child’s life?!

How old is child..

is this yours or both your homes...is the lease mortgage in yours his or both name?

Difficult with the day but I would consider contacting a solicitor to get a restraining order.

You know this is abusive... this is not healthy for you or your child.

Do not stop breast feeding at this point..

Honestly? Take the opportunity to leave. Phone the domestic abuse helpline. Try and go to a refuge.

The fact that he's gone is a blessing and an opportunity for you to take control.

Thanks to everyone for your help. My son is 5 months old. It is our second child. Pur first son died at 1 day old in 2018 he was born in a very poorly state deprived of oxygen during the birth at hospital. My partner has been worse towards me since this happened. He hasnt had any counselling although we both suffered from PTSD. His mum says things like 'why wont he get help ? ' when i told her this week that hes gone again and i dont want him back here. Shes asking me though, like im still responsible for him. She doesnt want to take responsibility of him and wants me to continue to cope with him. She knows majority of whats happened but i think she blames me because shes an abuser herself. She doesnt really think that either she prides herself on the fact she never has needed counselling, like ot deserves a medal. Its all that that she fills his head with like its a sign of weakness and one of reason i dont think hes done it.

Unless you have been in this type of relationship its hard to understand why people stay. But we stay because it wasnt always like this we were happy once and back packed round world together. He has always had more of a controlling personality but im naturally a bit happy go lucky so in a way it helped to add some balance to my life at first. We both brought something different too each other. Its only over time and events that its become on unbalanced and one sided like this. My dad died in tragic circumstances a couple of years into relationship i found him on floor alive after a bad stroke. We also struggled to have a baby of our own having 4 unexplained miscarriages over 6 years. One of which we found out baby had died at the 12 week scan which was traumtaic. Ive had different tests and treatment for that and then the death of our son. So i have been very venerable for a long time and depended on him. I think his way of coping was to become more and more controlling. He tried to show his love and care for me by doing all cleanig and cooking in house but that became obsessive i couldnt do anything or he would loose it if it qasnt how he would do it or re do it all. Even when i was off work and wanted to help. He recently made me a sandwich (he doesnt ask what i want to eat just makes this stuff unasked for) i couldnt eat it because i was breast feeding and baby was being fussy when he gave me it without a plate. I had to put it down he got upset and threw it in bin without telling becuase i didnt eat it straight away. I then made myself something when i realised he had thrown it away and baby was settled but he got upset again cos i was making myself something. If i hang washing out on line he has to go out and re do it all. Theres so much. I cant say anything to him he leaves a mess round the house when he shaves in bathroom he leaves all the hair everywhere. I cant say anything to jim about it though, cos he then retaliates and starts saying well what do you do.. you do this and that and it could result in him walking out. So i just clean it up.

When i was heavily pregnant i was on mat leave i put the stuff in dishwasher. He opened dishwasher when he got home and wennt mad about how i had loaded it. I walked away from him and went in living room. He started packing his stuff to leave. I begged him not to go i couldnt cope without him at that point, i felt so useless and

With any luck he has gone for good.

This is a toxic relationship and you need to separate. It will not be good for your DS living in this type of environment. He has become very controlling and abusive and it seems he is taking everything that has happened out on you. He obviously needs help with this but you cannot be responsible for how he acts towards you. You need to ensure a safe and stable environment for you and your child.

He is a horrible abuser and will be an awful father to your DS growing up. You owe it to your little boy to give him the best life possible and get away from this scum. I know it’s hard but you’ve got to put him first now. Please don’t let him grow up in this household

What’s your housing situation? Is it rented, owned and in who’s name? You’re not married are you?

Is he on the birth certificate?

Have no confidence. J knew he would go for days and days again. So he kicked a hole in wall. I dont know i think this is partly my fault ive accepted this behaviour and tried to normalise it. But its not normal for either of us.

His mum was the abuser in her relationships i think now. She gives me orders about my son via my partner When he was 2 weeks old she said put weetabix in his milk to make him sleep longer. She doesnt like it if i dont comply with her. I cant cope with them both monitoring me now its way way too much. He just does everything she says. My partners sister in law has been austrocised by the whole family because she wouldnt follow what was instructed by her ove her 5 and 7 year olds. They dont speak now at all. And shes suffered a lot form it all all the abuse shes expereinced. I just see that and see my future. I cant do it.

But need to keep repeating that to myself. I have contacted an abuse chairty earlier this week there is no refuges available right now have to keep ringing everyday. They have put me in touch with a solicitor but before solicitor can soeak to me need to fill in a form and send id. Need to buikd up strength to do all that today. I need an occupancy order but dont want him to get a criminal record. I have allowed this to happen i habe accpeted him back for far too long. I should have stopped it a long time ago. I just thought i could fix him. I blamed myself because of the miscarriages and thought having a baby would help us. I was wrong.

I feel pathetic and upset for him too. This is like a scripted play we have been through this so many times. He wants me to text or ring him to ask him back he will either be raving mad or apologetic when he turns up. I cant do it though i have to stay strong but iam worried about him i dont want him to do anything stupid.

We have a mortgage together but i paid deposit (i sold my car and went for 18 months without a car he didnt pay in anything but carried on doing drugs) which is in mortgage that i have more ownership of property due to this as we arent married.

I only recently found out how bad his drug habit was. I thought it was just recreational when he went out although thats not good either i could cope with it. He hid how bad it was he is very secretive, because im on mat leave i was home when drugs where delivered to our home with our baby son inside he was at work.

I confrontee him and he disappeared again went to his mums and would not discuss it. I felt like i couldnt raise it without being punished so left it. I tried to discuss it again 2 weeks ago and he started to go mad so i dropped it.

I feel like im behind even the cats in our home. Im totally worthless. Im nothing to him. I need to keel reaffirming to myself this cant go on thanks everyone