my abusive partner has disappeared

[Huddersfieldlass]

My partner of 9 years has disappeared since monday he never returned home after work so only has his clothes he was stood up in.
He is very controlling he texted me out of the blue pn monday whilst at work and told me to stop breast feeding our son and to give him solids that afternoon. I was surprised where this was coming from and remembered we had seen his mum the day before. Her advice is always very old fashioned and she is interfering when it comee to our son. I questioned him if thiw was cominy from her. He immediatley got mad we had a back and forth exchange qnd then he cut off all contact from me and i havent seen him again... but this isnt first time this is what he does if i dare to question him.

Hes disappeared 3 times since having a c section with my son. First time i was still very ill after c section and lock down had just started so it was scary. Hes done this countless times before our son. Hes addicted to pain killers. Hes obtained illegally prescription pain killers and cocaine qnd weed and had that delivered to house since having our son. Hee used it and denied hes on it..je drives aggressivly..he kicked a hole in the wall over the way i loaded the dishawasher. Hes grabbed me by the neck 3 years ago qnd got a police caution..hes abused and controlles me for years he makes me feel dependent on him.like i cant cope without him. Hee waiting for me to ask him to come back now. But i cant do this anymore its killing me. I feel scaree being here alone he could kick at the door anytime. Ive packed up some of his things but he hasnt been in touch. Ive told his mum i havejt seen him since monday but she doesnt seem bothered. I just feel so guilty if im dojng the right thing breaking us up after 9 years and 1 child. Theres loads of stuff thats happened this is just the immediate stuff i can think of. Thank you

You don't need him
Your dc don't need him
See a solicitor about getting him out of your life
Report the abuse

yes hes on birth certificate.
House in both our names.
My mum lives on other side of country to me. Ive told friends before bits and pieces not everything they have said leave him. But its not that easy. I know it should be but this has gone on for years. He bourght another kitten at christmas as a surprise present for me. So we have 3 cats now so not easy just to get up and go but i realise now why he kept buying th cats (without discussing with me) it was to keep me here when he disappears. Its like ive just woken up you dont realise how scary it is the reality of my whole life is just built around being here for him. Thats scary.

I have a key in front and back door and padlock on gate at back of house and i have been using a lock on bedroom door. Ive told his mum im scared of him she doesnt want to accept it.

Keep your phone on you at all times ready to call the police if he comes back.

If you feel up to it report all the abuse you have suffered by his hands to the police now. Then they won't let him come back to the house.

Gather all important documents birth certificate, passports, marriage certificate, bank details, etc hide it. (Loft is a good place or give to a trusted friend)

Gather up a run bag, put spare clothes, toiletries etc in case you need to get away quickly.

Please leave him, you don't need him x

Hopefully he's gone for good, I would stop engaging with his mother too

My ex left after trashing the kitchen , scaring Ds ( baby at time)

I went to a refuge spoke to him days later. I asked him what he expected to happen - he said he would apologise, then come home and things carry on as they were.

I am going to sound harsh - get rid of the cats .

Hes texted me a load of abuse just now but ive ignored it. No you dont sound harsh at all, i thought of that as well this morning. There more his then mine anyway.

He's getting angry because you're not dancing to his tune. You're supposed to be begging him to come back. Don't do it. You and your baby deserve so much better.

@MashedPotatoBrainz

He's getting angry because you're not dancing to his tune. You're supposed to be begging him to come back. Don't do it. You and your baby deserve so much better.

This

Ignore.
Lock doors.
Be ready to call 999 if he comes to smash his way in

Contact the police about the abusive messages and a solicitor about an occupation order

Could his Mum have the cats?

Oh op this is such a difficult position to be in and such heartbreak in there either your first lo But please, there is no doubt that, from what you have written, he is a dangerous abuser.

You need to get your ducks in a row as mumsnet likes to say. Get copies of important documents, photos, mortgage and bank statements somewhere safe. Have a get away bag and plan in case you have to make a quick exit if he becomes dangerous.

The cats is tricky but you should find a local shelter they could go if you do have to leave. Its heart breaking to give up a pet (I've always had animals growing up and have a cat now) but it may be the most sensible thing to do and safest for them. What if he decides to take his anger out on one of them?

I'm sending you loads of strength op. If you need more advice, try the relationships board too. There are people there who have escaped situations of domestic violence, abuse and lived with people with addiction. They are a fountain of knowledge and support.

What the PPs have said but also, stop treating his mum like your confident. She's not your friend. Don't tell her anything!

Yes, change the locks. Keep your phone charged and with you at all times. Tell the police about the previous abuse and ask them to put an alert on your number that way they'll come quicker if he tries to break in etc.

Good luck Op, it's a long and horrible road that many of us have walked and lived to tell the tale, (sadly not those who never got out) you can do this!

Refuge have a very powerful video out at the moment with Maxine Peak in it. Give it a watch to give you some strength