Didn’t think through logistics of Breast feeding vs bottle

[JKDcot]

Hi

FTM here and with a 2.5 week old so it’s all very new to me

I decided to try and exclusively breast feed my son. So far it’s ok, but sore and we are both learning, but he is putting weight on so good result.

I always thought my husband and I would agree the care load. Loads of my male friends joke how little sleep they had with a newborn and how much they did.

But if I have to be awake to feed, why should my husband be up in the night? Ive just basically moved onto the spare room and I do the feed, nappy and settle back to bed. He is back at work now after paternity leave (WFH due to COVID) so he is around. But I just let him sleep 10/11pm - 7am without asking for his help.

Is this common? Do other people just assume mum does nights as we feed? I don’t resent him and he will take the baby when he can in the day so I can nap. Just feels funny he wakes up every morning refreshed and I’m shattered

Thanks

I exclusively breast fed both mine. I let my husband sleep while feeding but if baby was hard to settle I woke him to take over and do any necessary burping (his speciality) nappy etc. Tbh I rarely went back to sleep unless all was calm but at least I could put my head down!

Ask him to do more or less everything except feeding during the day so you can rest.

You are doing great. Having a tiny newborn is very hard and lack of sleep is normal! In a few weeks baby will move from being a nocturnal creature to being better at sleeping. Enjoy the tiny squishy cuteness!

We worked it by DH taking the baby after a long feed around 10/11pm and then would take baby upstairs when he came up. DH would also get up with the baby from 6am-7.30am so I could have a bit more sleep.

I fed and slept with our children till they were about 6 months old, DH slept in spare room. Never changed a nappy in the night (no poos, lucky me). At 6 months baby into the cot and my DH did the night shift from then on. Fortunately 2 of 3 slept through from then. If either of us is tired we tag team at the weekend so either can catch up on sleep.

My OH works with machinery that needs his full attention so I did the nights. I figured there was no point in us both being exhausted. Especially as I could sleep during the day when baby was tiny. I did used to wake him though on the few awful nights when I was struggling and the baby just wouldn't sleep and screamed instead and I needed some company!!
You are very early days though...by about 6ish weeks once the worst of the cluster feeding is over i used to hand baby to partner from 8 until midnight and getting that solid block of 4 hours sleep at the start of the night did me wonders whatever happened for the rest of the night!

Yes, I have bf 4 children. The first I switched completely to formula at 16 weeks and she had frequent top ups from week 1. She was my biggest baby (so far!) and I found it hard to keep up with her food demands. I suspect she was undiagnosed tongue tie. Breastfeeding by her was one of the worst experiences of my life. She didn't sleep all night until 6 months although after 4 months or so my husband would just give her a dream feed bottle and she would go back to sleep. I didn't have to get up with her unless there was a good reason eg vaccinations

My second was ebf and slept through from 7 weeks (7-7) with no wake ups. I moved him into his own room pretty quick once he was sleeping. Once I got his tongue tie sorted out (week old) he was a very effective feeder and I think he just onboarded enough milk during the day. He's a very chilled out child now. We had a regression for a few weeks at exactly 6 months (after I left him overnight with my mil who I think woke him up to "check on him"). My daughter was 2.5 when he was born so I think I was so busy with her that we just got into a very good routine and even now he likes structure. Obviously I fed on demand when he was tiny. I fed him exclusively for over 18 months.

Child no 3 (ebf) is 2 years younger. He's a fidget and can't keep still. Our house was busy and his eyes were on stalks most of the time. He was tongue tied too but snipped in hospital as I knew what I was looking for. I really struggled with a routine as there was only 4.5 years between the 3 of them. I ended up co sleeping with him and although he never really cried he would wake up on the hour all night (he never slept in big stretches in the day either) and latch himself onto me. I was so tired I just let him but obviously I wasn't getting proper sleep as I was being used as a snack dummy. He was keeping my husband awake too. When he turned 1 my husband thankfully took control (I was incapable by that stage) and picked him up and put him in his own cot. He cried for half an hour and has slept through ever since.

No 4 (also ebf) I also co slept but he got the hang of sleeping by about 7 weeks. He wasn't like number 2 who almost never woke up but overall he was sleeping through more than not (7-7). He wasn't waking for food when he did wake. He was a horrific toddler though and would arrive screaming in my room nightly totally inconsolable from about 2.5 yrs to 4 yrs old.

No 5 remains to be seen. I have bought a bedside crib this time.....

We shared the nights. Yes, I had to do the feeding with my one who was bf, but I didn't have to do all the changing, settling, fetching things. I don't think it makes sense for one of you to be absolutely exhausted while the other is fresh and ready to go for the day. You can both survive on 5 hours of sleep if you take it in turns. I would do a feed in early evening, hand baby to dh, sleep for 2 hours, do another feed, hand back back, sleep more. Dh would do whatever it took to keep them happy until about 1am so I could get as much sleep as possible. Then we'd switch. During each of our shifts, we did everything. So I would generally not wake dh up between 1-6am and would do all the feeds and changing. Then he'd get up at 6am, take the baby and I would sleep as long as I could before he went to work.

Our first was ff and he was up pretty much every feed then. He made the bottle and did the changing and I did the feeding and usually also the re-settling unless I was really tired or unwell.

I'm the one with the boobs so I do all the night feeds

Other half has always done lots of other things to help out. Things like leaving me a hot drink in a thermos mug by the side of my bed with snacks ready for when I wake up for night feeds.

Honestly, sod whatever everyone else does, just do whatever works best for the three of you - newborns are about survival, and doubly so in a pandemic lockdown with no grandparents for backup or a break.

Our daughter has just turned four months and is EBF. Luckily my husband has ended up FT WFH during the pandemic, which has been unbelievably helpful, but I also decided very early on that I'd do all the night feeds as there was no point us both being knackered - I cope better on less sleep than he does and I'm the one with the boobs so I had to be up anyway. The flip side was that looking after the baby was ALL I did - I did not wash a dish, make any food or touch the laundry for three months, he did absolutely everything, and most day nappy changes/taking her while I showered etc as well, all while working FT from the sofa next to me. I literally just sat on the sofa breastfeeding and cuddling, being waited on hand and foot.

In an extra twist, I think I stayed in the main bed for about a fortnight before I decided that it was just too uncomfortable getting up and down/ feeding in bed with a C section scar, so I moved us to sleeping on the more supportive /comfortable living room sofa and Moses basket. He felt far worse about it than I did (newborn and post-surgery wife on sofa while he slept in the bed!) but it was by far the best decision for the team, and we're all back in together now. Just do whatever works for you all and sod anyone else's view of it!

I think it makes more sense for both parents to be tired than once fully rested and the other on their knees with exhaustion. Our DS had to be held for about 6 weeks because of reflux so I couldn’t have done that by myself.

But I agree do whatever works for you and if he’s making your life easier for you when you are awake (cooking, prepping, cleaning, tidying, making you a brew etc) then that’s half the battle.

It is all about survival in the initial stages. But I don’t think it’s sustainable to be your baby’s sole overnight carer long term, particular once they start to wake for other reasons other than a feed! DS didn’t eat in the night from 4 months but still woke up now and again. I ain’t dealing with all that on my own lol.

Totally depends. Ds1 was a terrible terrible sleeper from day 1. DH would have to take over at night or I'd have got no sleep! Ds2 is a much easier baby. DH has only had to help at night a handful of times - ds2 is 8mo now. I breastfed both. If it's a case of one person not getting any sleep, then the other needs to help even if that means both of you are tired. If the baby is pretty content, breastfeeds and easily settles back to sleep, then obviously it makes sense for only the mother to be awake.

Oh absolutely, it also depends on your baby's personality/ needs - thankfully mine's a reasonable sleeper so far so I could manage doing all the night feeds, but if they're still up every hour for weeks and weeks then by all means drag him out of bed for your sanity!

DD is 5 months and EBF.

We cosleep, not through choice, but because we get the most sleep that way! Until 18 weeks, I slept in the spare room with her then we moved back in with DH.

DH has never got up with her in the night but is sometimes aware that I'm up feeding her. There is no point in both of us being tired.

He's self employed and is currently working all hours under the sun, but pulls his weight in other ways ie cooking, taking DD at the weekend so I can do hobby etc.

There is no rule book - what suits one family will not suit another. Enjoy your lovely baby.

I breastfed both mine so I did all night feeds. In the early weeks there were mornings where I was so tired I had to give crying baby to daddy for an hour or so.

There are so many other ways for daddy to help.

I had to do the night feeds too. We did mixed breast and bottle so hubby did a couple of feeds in the day so I could get rest. We didn’t introduce bottle till 6 weeks or so.

But you’re right it is exhausting, it will get better .

i think the whole point of mat leave is to enable (amongst other things) you to be up throughout the night feeding the baby. your DH is at work.

furthermore It's great to want to be equal with your partner but men and women aren't equals, biologically. he can't bf the baby. the bond between a mum and a bf baby is special and unique and something to cherish. it all goes so fast, truly. it would be a shame to give up on bf for the modern idea that our partners should be 'equal'. and there are plenty of lovely ways to bond with the baby for dads before anyone says. your baby is designed to be fed from your body.

I'm currently bf my second baby. we sleep together in spare room (we bed share) and DH sleeps in our room. so i bf throughout the night as required but it doesn't have too much impact on my sleep because of the bed sharing (highly recommend btw) . DH gets a solid night as he doesn't get to nap as needed during the day as he's at work.

i know it feels like a major upheaval and yes it really is. but honestly before you know it they will be sleeping independently and you'll get your nights back.

We did the same thing except DH got up at 5 and took the baby and I slept for two solid hours.

My second due soon ish and I'm going to do the nights as my husband will get up every day at 530 or whenever our toddler wakes up. That way I can still sleep when the baby does in the early morning when toddler is being a toddler. Doesn't matter what anyone else does though, the main thing is if you feel supported generally and if you're both happy with the arrangement. We are all different. Congratulations

This came as a real shock to me too. I had assumed we would be completely equal parents, especially as DH was at home for the first eight weeks. I had no idea of the extent to which breastfeeding meant that I would be basically all that baby wanted during that time. We started off both waking in the night, but it just felt like it was just making a point and being a bit silly pretty quickly - it wasn't getting me more sleep - so DH slept in the spare room for the first six months and I did everything during the night. He did take over for a couple of hours each morning to give me a lie-in until he went back to work.

It was a real challenge for us - we were so used to being completely equal in everything that this new dynamic of me feeling quite confined and bound and DH feeling useless. It did pass, though. We did shared parental leave so DH had three months at home with DS after I'd gone back to work which really helped reset the balance. DS is two now and I do feel we're genuine equal parents.

@LisaSimpsonsbff

This came as a real shock to me too. I had assumed we would be completely equal parents, especially as DH was at home for the first eight weeks. I had no idea of the extent to which breastfeeding meant that I would be basically all that baby wanted during that time. We started off both waking in the night, but it just felt like it was just making a point and being a bit silly pretty quickly - it wasn't getting me more sleep - so DH slept in the spare room for the first six months and I did everything during the night. He did take over for a couple of hours each morning to give me a lie-in until he went back to work.

It was a real challenge for us - we were so used to being completely equal in everything that this new dynamic of me feeling quite confined and bound and DH feeling useless. It did pass, though. We did shared parental leave so DH had three months at home with DS after I'd gone back to work which really helped reset the balance. DS is two now and I do feel we're genuine equal parents.

This is really interesting. It feels like taboo to say because everyone’s scared of saying anything that is perceived anti-breastfeeding. But I do wonder if breastfeeding is really at odds with so many other issues affecting women. There is thread after thread on here about women who have sacrificed careers, taken on just about all responsibility for kids and husbands just not sharing the load. Ultimately if women want to have children as part of a genuinely equal partnership where the man picks up his share of the hard work from day one...well I wonder if breastfeeding can really be compatible with that. Certainly breastfeeding beyond a few months can make shared parental leave more challenging, unless pumping comes easily. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for suggesting it but I do think it’s worth thinking carefully about the balance of labour that you want as parents and considering realistically how bf fits into that.

@Twizbe

I breastfed both mine so I did all night feeds. In the early weeks there were mornings where I was so tired I had to give crying baby to daddy for an hour or so.

There are so many other ways for daddy to help.

To help? Hahaha. Daddy’s don’t ‘help’. They co-parent. You start off with the bollocksery that daddy is ‘helping’ mummy with the children, and you end up with him ‘babysitting’ his own kids if you want a night out. Fuck that. Don’t set yourself up as the de-facto parent doing everything while daddy ‘helps’ a bit if he has time. You are raising the next generation of parents and passing on gender stereotypes. It’s so tempting to start with. What could be nicer than this darling helpless bundle being totally dependent on you? The breastfeeding years are short, and parenting is loooooong. Set your joint expectations early and don’t be one of the bloody thousands of women on here weeping into their tea because the ‘d’h won’t pull his weight with their three children.

@prolefeed This! With bells on! Exactly what I meant in my post, breastfeeding can far too easily contribute to the whole de facto parent situation if you’re not very careful.

I don,t see why you mooved rooms. But if your awake and he is asleep no need to towake him.But he can do more during the day, more nappies, more cooking, getting baby dressed, bathing baby etc.

This is really interesting. It feels like taboo to say because everyone’s scared of saying anything that is perceived anti-breastfeeding. But I do wonder if breastfeeding is really at odds with so many other issues affecting women. There is thread after thread on here about women who have sacrificed careers, taken on just about all responsibility for kids and husbands just not sharing the load. Ultimately if women want to have children as part of a genuinely equal partnership where the man picks up his share of the hard work from day one...well I wonder if breastfeeding can really be compatible with that. Certainly breastfeeding beyond a few months can make shared parental leave more challenging, unless pumping comes easily. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for suggesting it but I do think it’s worth thinking carefully about the balance of labour that you want as parents and considering realistically how bf fits into that.

As I said, it wasn't permanent or insurmountable - and I think it's unfair to blame breastfeeding too much. We now have a much more equal split than any other couple I know, including all those who formula fed from early on.

I did, personally, find breastfeeding very hard to maintain when I went back to work, and for me shared parental leave felt more important for us as a family than continued breastfeeding (I stopped at eight months). Many people would say the opposite, of course.

@lisaSimpsonsbff sorry I didn’t mean to use your post to make my own point or speak for you. I just thought your post threw up an interesting issue. I also have a very equal parenting relationship with my DH (both work the same reduced hours to cover childcare etc.) and it’s so depressing how much of a rarity that really is. I can never work out if it’s the men that won’t step up or the women who, when it comes to it, don’t want them to (want to go as part time as possible themselves, for example).

It is one of the benefits of bottle feeding you take it in turn doing nights do both parents co parent equally.

Feeding your baby is not a small effort, it takes time and effort.. there is no point In you having to get up, and him also having to get up.

Unless you express or move some feeds to formulas, and then he does night feeds then as long as you’re breast feeding you by design need to be responsible inc feeding to sleep, night feeds, morning feeds etc. It will also limit time you can be away from your baby Ie it needs to be between feeds.