Didn’t think through logistics of Breast feeding vs bottle

[JKDcot]

Hi

FTM here and with a 2.5 week old so it’s all very new to me

I decided to try and exclusively breast feed my son. So far it’s ok, but sore and we are both learning, but he is putting weight on so good result.

I always thought my husband and I would agree the care load. Loads of my male friends joke how little sleep they had with a newborn and how much they did.

But if I have to be awake to feed, why should my husband be up in the night? Ive just basically moved onto the spare room and I do the feed, nappy and settle back to bed. He is back at work now after paternity leave (WFH due to COVID) so he is around. But I just let him sleep 10/11pm - 7am without asking for his help.

Is this common? Do other people just assume mum does nights as we feed? I don’t resent him and he will take the baby when he can in the day so I can nap. Just feels funny he wakes up every morning refreshed and I’m shattered

Thanks

Ebf ds 7months and I've done all nights and booted dh to the spare room as I'm cosleeping, which means I get a reasonable amount of sleep. For the last 2 months or so ds doesn't even wake me every time, he kind of shuffles over and helps himself to a feed. Most of the time a quick feed settles him back to sleep so even though he's still up every 2/3 hours it's not so bad. I do use my 'up all night with the baby' card to get out of things I don't want to... dishes/hoover/cooking? Off you go dh!

With dd who is now 5 we ff as she refused bf and I got terrible support. Naturally with ff dh did his 'share' of the night feeds, but dd was also a shocking sleeper and never did more than 45 minutes of sleep until she was about a year old so we were on our knees. I think even if she'd been bf dh would have stepped in when he could.

It really does depend on the baby, if you can cosleep and bf and baby will settle fairly easily with a feed you barely have to wake up. I've found bf to be amazing for nights, so much easier! And there's no difference with the bond between dh and the babies.

I guess it's each to their own but my dh often got up during the night to help, he would do nappies, fill hot water bottle (for me), make a cup of tea etc.. And he is a hospital doctor so works long hours.

Oh and no way would we have slept in separate rooms. I couldn't imagine not having dh next to me.

A lot of people do this, I have a friend with a newborn at the moment and her husband sleeps in the spare room and gets a full night's sleep every night. It is normal, and if you're happy with it then that's fine! I think if you're up a lot trying to settle that doesn't involve feeding. That's when your DH should be stepping in.

My first DC was difficult to settle and liked to be held a lot in the night, so I would BF then pass him to DH to settle, we'd basically tag team that way so we both got a tiny bit of sleep (but were both shattered!). I switched to FF after a month and then DH would always do a night feed.

Second DC was easy to settle between feeds so until we switched to FF after about 2 months, DH was getting a good night's sleep. Not a full one no doubt as he was in the bed with me, not the spare room, but I was able to just feed DC2 then put him back in the crib straight after, no fuss.

I BF my two and therefore did all the night waking. As I was on mat leave and H was working it didn't seem unfair and it was pointless for us both to be up at night. He pulled his weight in the daytime. I often do slept with baby and just fed on demand so it wasn't as big a disruption as bottle feeding where you need to physically get out of bed to sort bottles.

It’s very tricky, especially when you’re so tired. We mostly co slept at the beginning which helped us both get more sleep. When we did move her into her cot, dh was always the one who went to get her and put her back down again. I think our reasons for that are fairly unusual though, I had very severe SPD in pregnancy that continued postnatally and it was very difficult for me to get in and out of bed for a long time so he was saving me from the pain really. He’s also the infuriating type that can fall asleep in a blink too, whereas I take a long time to drop off so it wasn’t so bad for him having to get up as he was always able to fall back asleep very quickly. Now dd is 14 months she’s was weaned off the breast a few months ago as I was just not dealing well with the tiredness. Now she’ll take a bottle (finally!) dh is always the one who wakes up with her in the night. He sees it that I’ve had a year of broken sleep and it’s his turn now. I’m loving it . I think him having to be very hands on right from the beginning because of my mobility problems, which thankfully seem to have all but disappeared, has helped in so many ways. He’s never ever complained, whereas I’ve wept with tiredness on many occasions. I think you’re ok not to change the nappy at every feed, I’ve only ever done that if there’s been a giant poo or the happy is very obviously full. If you’re struggling with tiredness and feel ok doing it, I’d give cosleeping a try. It meant I got more rest

I figured I'd get less sleep if i ff regardless of dh doing some of the night feeds and as he had a long hours stressful job it didnt seem right anyway.
But as others have said, I got more weekend lie-ins, dh did more chores and to be honest the night waking was very minimal when I co-slept.

I did all the night feeds breastfeeding but I would urge you to ask for help. I would wake my husband about 6am / 6.30am on mornings where I'd had a bad night so he could take the baby while I got an hour of so sleep before the next feed / him starting work. If he's getting a good nights sleep then he can pitch in more in the day. Yes he's working but you've got a 24 hour a day job at the moment! I'd say any time your husband can take the baby so you can get a nap take it. Most newborns sleep better and for longer when held by someone.

Although you're doing the night feeds, there is a convenience factor to breastfeeding as there's no bottles to make up, sterilise and wash. It's also great when you're out and about. After I got in the swing in it, I felt like the night feeds were worth it for the overall convenience. Plus when it stops hurting it really is a lovely bonding experience. You're doing really well but ask for help. You're dh is already getting a great deal with a full nights sleep, don't let him push his luck with lie ins too. You don't resent it now but I can guarantee you will a few months down the line!

I did the nights with both of mine while bf, but when ds2 came along dh was on toddler duty if he woke or needed anything in the night and would wake early to take both children and start breakfast while I had 30 mins to myself on a morning.

Dh drives for a living and does not do well on little sleep naturally so it was a no brainer for us.

Ultimately you have to find out what works for you. If dh takes over at some point in the evening so you can have a bath or wakes earlier so you can have a lie in or a tea in bed in peace. I've never understood the couples who both wake and do a bit each to make it equal, it always seemed pointless to both be tired.

Hmm I disagree about getting up at night - don't disagree about sharing the load.

On Pat leave he should have been doing the lions share of the domestic duties, while you got up at night. But now he is back at work he needs a good night sleep to bring in an income for you and your child. Also whats the point in you both being groggy and what do you want him to do ? Lie awake watching you feed?

I've got 4dcs and did nights with my breastfed three and mostly with my bottle fed DS3 too, as DH struggled a lot more with getting back to sleep.
The key is to find another time that he can take the baby, maybe early in the morning, maybe before bed, so that you can either catch up on sleep or just have a bit of time to yourself. As the babies have got older, we've often had DH in charge of naps for a bit (whether rocking and shushing, or just walking around with a baby in the sling in the early days) - it's good for their bonding, your sanity, and helps ensure the baby can fall asleep in different ways and with different people.

Whatever you want to do, congratulations and be kind to yourself! 2.5 weeks in with your first is so so new and you will find your way.

At this stage, if exclusively breastfeeding I think it is easier if you do the nights. When they're tiny, BFing back to sleep is a really handy tool. I didnt appreciate it with my first and felt so frustrated with it all. My OH tried to help but between us we were bouncing the baby, rocking, arguing all night! Second time I just went with it and it was so much easier. My OH moved into spare room and we co-slept (needs to be done safely, if you do it - no pillows, alcohol etc..) I was very tired but more relaxed as I felt i control. First time I was both tired and stressed!

OH was a real help later on at settling ds when I was ready to give up co sleeping at 5 months. As ds couldn't small milk he settled better and our roles reversed.

Do what works, but in my experience giving a bottle at night as well as BF wont actually get you more sleep. You have a whole new set of problems like a windy baby who still requires the boob to be happy!

On the whole it seemed silly for my husband to be awake when it was me bf- but as many have said he could take over the early morning cuddles and tbh when I became so delirious I had to start waking my husband and ask him to change and burp her before and after I fed before I collapsed.

DH was/is the lighter sleeper so I could just sleep without worrying about keeping an ear open, he'd then either nudge me awake or pass me the baby. I'd feed and if he still was awake and the baby needed changing/burping/rocking he'd do it, otherwise not. I never had to wake him up, but if he was awake then he'd help out. And he usually was. And if a second child woke up, he'd have to deal with that anyway. Or if there was a nasty nappy change and I couldn't find my glasses. Or the baby was awake but I needed a wee before feeding.

DS is 6 months and EBF. Bottle refuser otherwise DH would do a few nights ( he really wanted to but DS had other ideas! ) so I do all the nights and let DH sleep as hes a paramedic. In the early days of 0 sleep and uster feeding, he'd get up and make me a cup of tea and bring me biscuits and we'd sit together for half an hour or so which was really lovely while I was getting to grips with BF.

He works shifts so DS will be feeding sometimes when he comes in from work and again, he'll make us a cup of tea and we'll have a catch up. He'll take DS in the morning if he's not at work and I'll have long shower ( rarely go back to sleep when I'm up for the day ). I also don't see the point of both parents being tired if one person can get decent sleep.

Oh he also does pre bedtime for DS ( bath, massage, wind down time with light projector ) and then i take over and feed him.

My (ex now) DH used to help by fetching baby, thus allowing me to sit up, grab some water, get settled. He then dozed while I fed baby, then woke up to change nappy if necessary and return baby to crib or cot.

We never slept apart. It was considered a shared thing.

I did the nights because I breastfed - it is what it is. I was still in my 20s with my first and thoght nothing of partying all night up until then, so feeding a baby at night didn't seem that shattering big deal some make it out to be. I just rested during the day and left housework & melsl to DH. I'd much rather feed my baby than clean the house so that worked for me.

One top tip - don't check the time or count how many times the baby gets you up and you don't always need to change the nappy. As time goes on you can practically feed in your sleep and drop back off without fully wakening and let the time just pass as it will.

This is interesting, reading the different strategies. We shared the night duties - for the first few weeks exclusive BF so DH settled LO after feed and we sorted any dirty nappies together (first time parents!). After a free weeks I couldn't handle it any more so we added a bottle of formula once a night. Then we took it in turns to sleep in the spare room, half the night each.

I should add - I never splept in a separate room - with our first we only had one bedroom anyway. Cot by the bed, baby in bed, fed, back in cot, repeat as needed without gettin out of bed.

My DH finds it so easy to fall asleep whereas I find it really hard to get back to sleep so if I'm woken in the night I'll be up hours. So, what works for us is if she wakes, DH will go through, check her nappy, change if necessary, then bring her through to our bed. He then instantly falls back to sleep and I feed her lying down then take her back through to the cot.
This works for us because she doesn't wake much in the night, she's relatively easy to settle back to sleep as long as she's been fed, and with me not getting up and changing nappies, I find it a bit easier to get back to sleep. If DH found it as hard as me to get back to sleep, we wouldn't do it this way as there'd be no point in both of us being tired. But he literally is asleep in seconds!
So, I think you have to do what works for you.

I did all the night wakings and will again. There’s seem little point in having two grumpy sleep deprived people. He does other things and does get up if I can’t get him back to sleep.

No. Baby is 7 weeks here. We share the load overnight.

Baby sleeps in co-sleeper next to dhs side of the bed. Mainly so I could get in and out of bed easier after birth, but its worked out better.
I feed baby, dh takes him and resettles him back into the cot. Some times thats literally i hand baby back and he is straight to sleep, other times dh will rock him 10 mins first or be the one soothing him with hand in cot. Dh changes him overnight also if needed.

It makes a huge difference to me. For example last night Baby fed 9pm, then straight to sleep. Woke 1am, fed 15 mins, dh rocked him 10 mins and back to sleep. woke 4am, I fed him 1hr on and off until 5am. Still wouldnt rettle, so dh got up and changed him and rocked him back to sleep by 5.45. It meant i could got straight back to sleep after 1am feed, and whilst baby was changed and rocked at next feed. So An hour extra in total for me. I fed baby for 1hr 15mins overnight. So Dh ended up with a pretty even amount of sleep between us.

Other nights baby will feed longer and go straight to sleep so dh hardly needs to do anything, and the odd night baby has been super unsettled then i have fed and soothed for an hour or two, then dh swapped over.

We don't change nappy overnight all the time, just when he's pooped, or if unsettled and we think it may be as he is wetter than usual.

In the daytime, I am already back to trying to squeeze in a few hours work (due to covid fiasco), and dh is working from home, so we both need an equal ish amount of sleep, and both can't really spend the daytime napping.

In 3 children DH has never gotten up in the night.
I BF them all and it was jus unnecessary.
He also worked long and erratic shifts and I wanted him to focus on work and not crashing the car when driving home at 4 am.

Never been a problem for us.

I ebf and did all the night feeds. My husband helped with setting him a lot though, especially when he has been going through sleep regression. He would take on the wake ups that weren't for a feed, for example.

He did offer to do night feeds, but it seemed more of a faff to warm a bottle in the middle of the night. I also got engorged quite easily so would mean pumping the feed he did - basically I was happy to do it 99% of the time as it was easier.

I wouldn't have expected DH to be awake just because I was. Tiredness is shit; why would I want that for two when it wasn't necessary?

The way we did it with both of ours from fairly early on, was that I expressed a bottle which DH gave to DC on their first waking, about 11pm. So I could go to bed at 8ish and then not get woken until after midnight. It helped. Though expressing was a pain too!