Friend constantly moaning about baby - what can I do?

[LittleMrsMama]

Hello,

My friend has spent the last 9 months constantly complaining about her baby. Every day I get around 5 messages from her saying how hard it is, how she only got 5hrs sleep last night. She won't let anyone look after her baby so she can get some sleep (even her husband), and hasn't left the house with the baby in public the whole time he's been alive. I've been a great friend the last 9 months, listening trying to provide support, giving her lots of hugs when I can. I've been so worried about her and very aware of post natal depression (she hadn't been diagnosed with it but I know it's very common).

If I'm really honest we have started to lose our friendship because she only ever talks about the baby (negatively) and isn't interested in anything to do with me. I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and I've had so many bumps along the way with the baby's health but when I've said anything she's just responded with a sad face and then sent photos of her baby and moaned about sleep. I would absolutely love a healthy baby! Her whole social media feed is about the baby and she has no other topic of conversation or interest in anything other than her baby.

Particularly now after 9 months and probably my hormones making me grouchy I'm getting very drained by it all. Is there any way I can help her and salvage the friendship? I'd never say it to her but in my head I'd want to remind her how lucky she is to have a healthy happy baby and that 5 hours sleep is fairly normal for a baby and that she needs to start her life again (even with restrictions she could go on walks or picnics with the baby). I feel guilty and like a bad friend even writing this post, I really don't mean to be insensitive but it's really taken it's toll on me to the point I dread seeing that I have a message from her because I know it'll be negative and hard to respond to.

Please help!

Have you tried inviting her out yourself? You could maybe propose a socially distant walk or picnic - especially now, when you'll be tied up yourself very soon, you could put it to her as doing something for you that would mean a lot to you, and maybe that would tempt her out?

Time to talk tough! I think youd be doing her a favour by gently putting some of these points to her, suggesting she might be depressed and that she should seek professional help!

I'd never say it to her but in my head I'd want to remind her how lucky she is to have a healthy happy baby and that 5 hours sleep is fairly normal for a baby and that she needs to start her life again (even with restrictions she could go on walks or picnics with the baby)

I agree that you shouldn't say this to her (although understandable that you're thinking it!) - it would be a bit dismissive and unhelpful at a time when your friend is clearly struggling a lot. However, would it be possible to try and let her know that her constant focus on herself and her baby is draining for you, as her friend? Could you tell her that her messages can be hard to respond to because they're so negative? She may not realise, or have faced up to the fact that she's coming across in this way. I don't know if that sounds a bit harsh, but if I was her I think I'd rather hear some honest truths like that than lose a friend. Having said that, looking after yourself is clearly your priority - hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

I would say “I think it’s time to talk to your GP or HV” and just keep repeating that.

She should have thought about that before spaffing a kid out. It’s common knowledge babies/children are hard work.

Could it be PND? Sounds like she is not coping well, maybe she should talk to her HV or GP.

Honestly she sounds pretty unwell.
She's miserable, she doesn't let anyone else look after the baby and she hasn't taken it out of the house for 9 months?
That's a really unhealthy situation for both of them.

If she was my friend I'd tell her what I think. Some people are oblivious to their behaviour. She could have PND but you won't find out unless you talk to her about her lack of appreciation of what you're going through too. Friendships should be two way.

I have a friend who was exactly the same. Everything changed when her baby turned 12 months and her maternity leave ended. She went back to work full time and put the baby in nursery. It seemed that being a SAHM with a baby just wasn't for her. Her "baby" is four now and she's a great Mum now that her baby has turned into a little "human"!

I had a similar situation, supported a friend through multiple losses and when she fell pregnant I was ecstatic for her, kept checking in that she was okay, calming her (understandable and reasonable) nerves at keeping this baby.

Since I've told her that I am pregnant, she's been stand offish, aloof, and nowhere near as interested in me or my friendship!

So my advice to you (and me!) Is to just take a step back. Focus on you and your soon to arrive loved one.

Might she had PND?

She is incredibly negative, the 9mo has never left the house (massive alarm bells!) Doesn't let Dh look after the baby (alarm bells!)

This is not normal.

I'd be thinking possible pnd too if I'm being honest. I agree with the suggestion to keep referring her to HV/GP.

I've been there for plenty of friends in the early days of motherhood & it is normal for them to have a moan but it's always been reciprocal.

I agree with 5 hours is pretty normal (& with one of mine would have been amazing) but when you're in the middle of it it can feel awful & never ending.

Tread carefully, LittleMiss. Your friend sounds like many other people who have a young baby. It's uncomfortable for you to be the one constantly having to listen to her complaints but thank goodness there is someone who listens, she would be ten times worse if she had nobody. It will stop when you have your baby, you won't have the time or energy to keep responding to her.

This won't last forever and she will probably be better when she is eventually back at work.

@furbabylife thats really unfair - if you havent been around babies a lot and its your first, theres nothing that can prepare you for actually how hard it is.

I think maybe say some very gentle, well thought out words about the situation.

I do agree with PP about how being a SAHM isnt for everyone. Its defo not for me and thats ok.

If she’s draining you - start responding less and less to her messages only responding when you feel your in the right place too.

You’ve been a good crutch to her (I’ve had PND it can be tough) but when you helping her becomes a negative effect on you - create some distance.

Start preparing and getting excited for your new baby don’t let her suck that away.

I do feel for her because it is such a shock bit I can also understand how you feel too.

You could just reply and say yes, no one says having a baby is easy. Maybe meet up for a picnic? Or something.
You could say the more babies are stimulated and use their energy up the better they should sleep.
Sounds like the baby will be bored stiff if it's never even gone out.

Sad for everyone really

Exactly, furbaby , all people who choose to have a kid ever go on about is how hard it is, how it gets harder each year, witter on and on about every aspect of it. Why not believe them?
OP have you asked her what she wants you to say? Like, is she dumping her emotions onto you (unpleasant), or asking for advice? If wanting advice, then why isn’t she proactively making changes to improve her lifestyle choices? You don’t have to keep listening to her whining.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene thats really unfair - if you havent been around babies a lot and its your first, theres nothing that can prepare you for actually how hard it is

I have no babies in my family, never held a baby, never babysat a baby but from my observations of parents and children the whole thing looks absolutely horrible. Backbreaking awful hard work on top of permanent sleep deprivation. You don’t have to be exposed to children to know this!

Why are you on Mumsnet, @FurbabyLife?

You sound like you’ve been a really good friend OP and I think you deserve the same in return. Obviously your friend is going through a really tough time but that doesn’t mean she can’t acknowledge that you are too and be supportive about your pregnancy and the difficulties you’ve had. I don’t think there’s an easy solution here as your friend is obviously not in a great state of mind - I think either you take a step back from this friendship or you have to be honest with her about how you feel to which she probably won’t respond well, although she may surprise you. I think carrying on as you are won’t be good for you, it sounds like this friendship is starting to ware you down.

It's not good for baby to not go outside for 9 months, they need fresh air and sunlight, hasn't she got a health visitor? maybe you could speak to your health visitor about your concerns and see what they say? i do agree that you should probably speak to her and just say your concerned as her friend, she has probably got PND, maybe invite her for a walk?

Ffs @HollowTalk don't be dense. Anyone can come on Mumsnet and there is plenty here for childless or childfree people.

I have no babies in my family, never held a baby, never babysat a baby but from my observations of parents and children the whole thing looks absolutely horrible.

Well thanks for your incredibly well-informed views there, heaven knows what we were all doing before you came along to set us right.

Meanwhile, this woman seems to have possible PND or at least not be doing very well mentally. It’s not normal to not let anyone else look after the baby including its dad and never leave the house for 9 months. There isn’t anything you can do to fix it OP but you aren’t obliged to listen to constant negativity either. If I were you I’d point out to her kindly that she really seems to be struggling here and that perhaps her HV or GP would be a better person to talk to about it.

Sounds like PND/anxiety to me, having been there myself.

Anyone can come on Mumsnet and there is plenty here for childless or childfree people.

Yes, there is, but is “spouting forth on your views about how mothers complain too much on a thread about a mother who is genuinely struggling” really one of those things?

I don’t have dogs, I don’t swoop in on threads about people having an upsetting time with their dog to say “ugh I just cannot FATHOM why people bother with dogs, nasty smelly hairy things.”